For a Season

Since I was a wee sequin I had a really weird relationship with friendships. I’m intensly loyal and a team player. I truly thought that it was on me to make friendships work for life or there was some shame if you didn’t stay friends with someone. I also thought if a friendship wasn’t working I had to have some serious sit down conversation with that person to talk it out. For me, I have trust issues. I hold a lot inside. When I share parts of me, I fear that if a friendship ends, someone is going to use that against me. Or share my personal secrets with the world. A whole mess of issues right?!

At 35, I have finally figured out that’s all shit.

Friendships should absolutely be invested in. But let me let you in on a little secret — most friendships are for a season.

And sometimes shitty people do share your personal secrets. But that’s not on you. Those are shitty people.

But if we are very lucky, we will have a friendship or two that lasts a lifetime. Mostly though, friendships evolve as you do.

It took me far too long to get completely comfortable with myself, to evolve into the real me, and to genuinely be happy with who that is.

I’ve evolved greatly since I started making friends - OBVIOUSLY. As anyone should. As everyone should.

Specifically in 2020 I did work to better myself. To address my traumas and to not let anyone but myself decide who and what matters to me. My greatest influence is now ME.

Add on top of that and everything that 2020 was, I really took a hard look at what my values are, who shares those values, and who gives me life versus who drains me.

And I started to phase out the people who don’t match my values or that drain my energy.

Early on I had a bit of a blow up with a really close childhood friend. I’m talking 25+ years of friendship. She really deeply hurt me and we spent time apart. I truly thought the friendship might be over. To me, it was worth the conversation to explain how hurt I was. This person has been there through a lot of phases of my life and is important to me. She took time, I took time and she came back and stepped up. I can tell I matter to her and she values my friendship enough to put the work in. We have more real conversations. If anything, I think its going to make us stronger.

Then COVID hit in March, and with that came restrictions and tough choices that a lot of us have had to make. Then racial tension hit an all time high and more tough choices had to be made.

2020 has been a year that people really had to step up and prove they are the values they talk about. People have really had to show up and take a stand. If not with their words, with their actions.

I’ve watched a lot of people I thought would hold to their values completely disappoint me. And while I have spoken up to many, a lot of these folks aren’t open to listening or seeing the selfishness of their ways. They don’t get it. They really think because you can do something means it’s ok. They don’t even consider the affects on others. The awareness isn’t there. Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should.

Who you are is who you are in hard times. It’s who you are when tough choices have to be made. How you react at that time, that’s who you are.

My values don’t align with those people or those choices. I’m also not one to sit back and avoid the conflict by smiling and faking my way through it. 2020 has been some serious shit. I plan to be on the right side of history. If anything, I am ashamed I haven’t done more before. That won’t happen again.

So I distanced myself from some friends. Because my energy is bigger than sitting in the comfort I could so easily choose. I’m moving to a new phase and that means some friendships will slowly fade away.

I’m proud of myself for that. I’m proud that I didn’t need the conversation. I didn’t need the big dramatic anything. I’m proud that for me, it’s about just moving on and recognizing that some friends are for a season.

I think its important to know that we are also seasonal friends for our friends. I’ve changed a lot in the past few years, 2020 more than ever. And who I am now doesn’t align with the pahses of life some of my friends are in. And that’s ok.

Being able to acknowledge that some friendships are for certain seasons in life is critical to growing up. It’s a bit sad it took me this long to understand that.

What I understand now is there is nothing wrong with me and there’s not really necessary anything wrong with these friends. It’s just understanding that friends you gravitate to serve a purpose for you at that time in your life. And the relationship works for you both until it doesn’t. And that’s ok. Priorities change. Values can change. Sometimes those values are put to the test and not everyone is willing to live those values they talk about.

It matters that I continue to prioritize my own values and needs in friendships. That I don’t allow outside noise to cloud my judgement or influence my emotions. It’s been life changing so far and I refuse to go back.

And If you are lucky enough to have some friends that you know will last a lifetime (I am so grateful to have a few of you!), apprecaite that. Feed those relationships. They are your soulmates. You should also apprecaite the friends you have for a season. They’re valuable and they helped you become who you are, for better or worse. But also understand and respect that some friends are for a season for a reason. Wish them well and continue on your journey.

The coolest thing about life is that we get to meet and be part of so many people’s lives. Even if only for a brief time, you impact the lives of others and they impact yours. That’s pretty damn magical.

Thankful in 2019

It’s time for my annual Thanksgiving post! This year I am thankful for fierce female friendships.

It’s no secret that I am a passionate feminist. Truly we all should be. Equality is important and women empowering women, that just gives me all the feels.

I’m thankful for the women in my life who are showing me that I’m a strong, loyal, loving, kind, and fabulous person. I’m thankful when they support me without judgment. I am thankful when they call me out when I’m not giving my best. I am thankful they love me fiercely always.

I’ve never been one to trust easily. I am much more a independent human than I am with a pack. But I am also extremely loyal and identify strongly as a team player.

Having women in my life who show me that I can trust them, come to them when I need help, and that they’re on my team too - that’s something that I never knew I could have.

This Thanksgiving, I am so thankful for you my fierce female squad. You absolutely know who you are and I just love you so much for showing me that women can be anything, everything, none of the things, whatever we want to be. You are my team, my family, and I am forever grateful for you.

Get a new table.

A friend posted an article on Facebook the other day that had me clapping in my living room. The article talked about finding a table to sit at where you’re not worried about being the topic of discussion in a negative way. And never in my 33 years of life have I related to anything more.

For reference, here’s the article. It’s a quick read that leaves you clapping and cheering for the wonderful author.

The whole point is that if you’re sitting at a table and the conversation revolves around judgments, criticism, and negativity - when you get up, guess who that’s going to be aimed at? YOU. It means if you’re with a group of women who like to gossip, chances are you’ve been the topic before. A lot of us grow up thinking that is normal. That women just gossip and that’s the way we are.

It’s not. If that’s the table you’re at, leave. Ger a new table and new friends. Immediately.

Life is too short to spend time with people who don’t respect you enough to be your biggest cheerleader. Your friends should be empowering you to be your best self. They can keep it real with you, but they should not be bringing you down.

Bottom line - if you’re at a table that’s bringing the negativity, leave. Do not pass go, do not collect $200, leave. And find you a table that’s willing to support you fiercely. If your tribe isn’t lifting you up to believe you can do anything, dump them. Dump them now. move on, and move on fast. And don’t you dare look back!

Peer Pressure

The other night I was watching the Sex & the City of the millennial generation - The Bold Type! It features the journey of 3 best babes working at a women’s magazine in NYC. It’s love, sex, friendship, life - all set in today’s times.

The episode revolved around the idea of that in between space that exists in the world of sex and dating that isn’t sexual assault but it’s a form of peer pressuring someone into doing more than they wanted to. The example in the story line (give or take a few colorful details) was two friends who were leaving a party and the male told the female it was too cold to walk home so he asked to stay at her place. She made it clear she didn’t want to engage in anything sexual but during the time they were at her place she felt guilted (new word, you’re welcome) into hooking up with him for a myriad of reasons.  The woman wrote an article on the culture of pressuring women into sexual experiences like this and whether or not the guy in the story is in fact a bad guy. And that sparked a lot of debate in my mind.

I’ve absolutely been there. And I’m not sure I ever really thought about it as anything but a grey area that I probably wouldn’t have engaged in sober or in a different situation, but I did it because I was drinking, felt bad, felt like I owed the guy, etc. etc. Yet today, I’m not sure I identify those men as bad men. I don’t respect them as much as I would a truly consensual partner, but I wouldn’t call them predators.

On the other hand, I think there’s something to be said for pressuring someone into any sexual encounter as a really not okay thing.  It’s pretty damn obvious when someone does not want to take something any further. Whether they say so, seem hesitant, it’s pretty damn simple to ask are you sure or walk away. Pressuring someone and then going through with it knowing you’ve done so, that’s pretty disgusting.

And 'I’m not just putting this on the men. This can happen truly from either gender but I hear about it a lot more within my community of women. There are countless examples of “I felt that he wouldn’t like me anymore if I did’t” or “I didn’t have anywhere else to stay, I thought I owed him at least that." or the “He bought all my drinks.” We all have those stories. Chances are, you also never thought about them as a man who took advantage of you but you may have felt icky about it.

The more and more I think about it, the more I review my past situations, the more I do identify it as really wrong. Fessing up to it as such and working to be better moving forward is a really critical part of the change.  

Like a lot of incidents of sexual assault, sexual harassment, etc. I think this all boils down to needing to have more open dialogue with each other. You might not intend to be harmful, but intent doesn’t equal outcome. Train yourself to have the tough conversation about consent. To consider how the other person is feeling before you move forward. Peer pressure doesn’t necessarily make you a bad guy, but it doesn’t make you a good one either.

Greater Expectations

As a follow up to expectations I wanted to talk about how to show people what you expect of them. Something I struggle greatly with is showing people how I deserve to be treated. I think this is a multi step system and I’ve been stuck on step one for 33 years.

Everyone talks about treating others as you wish to be treated. I got that part down. Like I’m really good at being a good human. I prioritize people and relationships that are important to me. I go above and beyond to show people I care. I’m your teammate when you need me. I’m sincerely tops at this part of the whole show people how you want to be treated. If this were a review at work, I would test off the scale in this category. Bonuses everywhere.

The place that I fail and should be fired at is when others don’t reciprocate this treatment, I don’t move on. I’m unsure if nobody shared this with me but if you very clearly show people how you wish to be treated and they do not treat you in this manner, you need to take back your energies and utilize them elsewhere. That shit blows my mind.

If I’m being the most best awesome friend, partner, colleague, mentor - WHATEVER - and it’s not being reciprocated, I need to move on. If you’ve shown someone, told someone, given them time to give you the same energy and care you give them, and they still don’t, that’s on you. They have shown you your worth to them and all you are showing them is that they can walk all over you and you will not leave.

Is this something ya’ll knew and nobody slipped me a memo?

I’m telling you, my world has changed. It’s certainly a struggle, but it’s a huge relief to take back my sparkle and use it on relationships with people who have decided I am worth their same energy. I never realized how much of my time and emotions I allowed to be controlled and drained by other people.

I’ve started to pull away the commitment I’ve given to some relationships and expended that energy on myself and those around me who don’t drain me. And it is wildly fulfilling. I’m less moody, I have more time to enjoy good people, and I am confident because I’m not being dragged down by relationships that don’t spark joy. Yea, back to that whole Marie Kondo Hunger Games edition. It works guys, really really works.

When you think about it, it’s simple. Time is energy. When you put a lot of time into relationships that aren’t creating equal value, the energy is really negative. So a lot of time, a lot of negative equals a lot of not feeling awesome. I think scientifically that’s how it’s classified.

Ultimately people prioritize their relationships based on the value they feel that person brings to their world. If you bring a lot of value and joy to someone’s life, they aren’t letting that go. If they let you go, it’s no knock on you, it’s just not the right human connection for you. Wish them well, let them go, and find your joy.

We should have greater expectations of others, but we should also have them of ourselves.

The Buddy System

With the high rates of depression and suicide in the news these days, the world has been encouraging each other to check up on people around us. And to really do it. To say “hey, are you ok?” and listen to that answer.

The more we show up for each other and truly listen to what we are saying, the more we are able to say “I’m here for you.” That’s a really powerful thing. We live in a time where people are more connected than ever but feeling lonelier than ever.

It’s also really easy to get caught up in our own lives. We are all busy trying to survive and thrive and that’s ok. It’s ok to know when you really need to be in the zone and focus on yourself.

Here’s what I’m finding though: when my team checks on me, I feel more accountability to check in with myself. It also forces me out of whatever hermit life I’ve sometimes sunken into and encourages me to engage. When people ask me how I’m doing and honestly want an answer, my heart grows times ten. I feel valued, respected, and heard.

The people in my life have really shown up for me in a buddy system way lately and I’m so grateful for it. I have lived so long as the one you don’t check up on. The one everybody knows is going to be ok. And while that may be very true, it does not mean I don’t struggle. The more my humans show up for me, the more I want to open up and share my life with them. It makes me feel safe, something I don’t often feel when it comes to sharing my life with others.

The point is, show up and create a buddy system. We all struggle. We all need that check in once in awhile to get through the dark times. Work with your inner core to get the phone tree going. Never let your people feel alone. Find a way to spend 5 minutes each day saying hey, I’m here for you, whatever you need.

Often times people don’t want to ask for help, or don’t know how. They may even beg off support. But we all need it. Whether that be delivering meals, sending a text, sitting with someone in silence, find a way to show up. Showing up is what matters.

Think of it like being a little kid. You had to have a buddy who you were responsible for. Ya;ll had to stick together and get each other through the day. This is what you’ve been training for. Stick with that buddy and get them through the day.

Tidying Up - Hunger Games Style

Ya’ll Marie Kondo is THE pop culture moment. Her book and her show on Netflix have inspired an entire movement. Simplifying clutter has been around for a few years but in late 2018/early 2019 with everything going on, we seem to have become addicted to minimalism and countering consumerism.

I love that life and I’ve been working to consume less, make smarter purchases and overall spend my money on experiences rather than things. Where I’d also like to extend this idea of tidying up is to the people we surround ourselves with.

The idea of what brings you joy very much applies to human relationships as well. We deserve peace, simplicity, and joy in the friendships we build with friends and family.

So let’s get Hunger Games about this idea of tidying up. If a person does not bring you joy, let them go.

I know, there are so many complications with that. From work to friends to family, sometimes you simply cannot remove yourself from a relationship entirely. But there are people who can be bid farewell. Do so. And then minimize your time with people who don’t bring you joy but are a necessity sometimes within your circle of life.

When you do this, watch how much calmer, simpler, and more joyous your life becomes.

When you remove the drama and negativity piece by piece, you are brought peace.

As I get older, I become less bothered by people who serve no purpose for me. On social media, I block people who are nothing but headaches. That’s the beauty of social media, we choose the content we engage with. In real life, when friends or family members bring me great stress, I limit my time with them, phase them out, or directly let them know the relationship is no longer working.

And I commit to it.

That’s what the biggest piece is - staying strong. If you are able to make these choices confidently and truly stick with them - that is where you will find the benefits. If you’re constantly stressing about the outcomes, what others think about you or these choices, you loose the opportunity to enjoy the benefits.

Relationship Goals

I freaking hate the idea of relationship goals. You know what my relationship goals are? They're to love myself and have a healthy confident relationship with me, myself, and I. I'd also like to have strong, happy, reciprocal relationships with the people I love around me.

Social media is a highlight reel. It's like Sports Center Top 10 for couples. And I find the couples that aren't in the healthiest, happiest relationships, are the ones posting relationship goals style content the most often.

Relationships are not easy. They're not perfect. When I hear a couple talk about never fighting, I know that couple isn't in a healthy mature place. People fight. Being monogamous takes work. To never disagree, fight, or struggle in your partnership, that's just not realistic.

To that end, its certainly every person's right to post whatever they want on the socials. It's truly nobody's business what you choose to share with the world. Your relationship is yours to put in the world however you see fit.

But I'm a human being. And you're annoying AF when you're out here pretending your love life is rainbows and unicorns when I damn well know your shit is one argument at Taco Bell away from completely imploding. And it is my business if you're sharing those pieces with me but fronting for the rest of the world on Facebook.

In my 20's I shared alllllll of my relationships on social media. I was young and in love and proud of whatever moment I was in. But I'm an adult now. And I know, that for all the times my romantic life seemed like a fairy tale, it certainly wasn't. From the abusive boyfriend who other women gushed about as being a dreamboat, to the one with the drug problem who seemed like a hero, there were flaws. Again, mine to share as I saw fit. But what I've learned is that the healthiest relationships are the ones you rarely see on social media. You catch a photo, a cute tag, but there's not that incessant need to say "look at how happy we are."

The less time you spend posting about your relationship, the more time you spend actually being in the relationship. If you're truly happy and developing a strong partnership, you understand the importance of that existing in the privacy of your personal world.

And for the women (and men) who constantly feel like they're not measuring up to the relationship goals of celebrities and their own friends - remember, what you see on social media, that's a show. It's carefully crafted, controlled content chosen because of the feeling it gives the person posting it. Whether that be genuine joy or compensation for something that's not measuring up, don't buy into the very small picture you see.

Relationship goals are a hashtag, and we all know those don't stay relevant long.

The Story.

Most everyone has people in their life that are the bad part of their story. A boss who is a jerk. An old partner who cheated. An abusive family member. A friend who broke our trust. But do you ever stop to think...

We are all the bad in someone else's story.

I certainly haven't and I'd like to think I'm a pretty conscientious human being.

Realistically it's true. There are people out in the universe who still pine for you, harbor anger for you, or resent you for a perceived wrong.

We are all someone's biggest regret, sworn enemy, or worst boss.

I'm not entirely sure what the motivation behind whomever said this quote was but for me it's about perspective. It's about reminding myself every situation in life has two people with two different perspectives on what transpired.

Reminding myself that perspective plays such a large role in every encounter, I am moved to be a little bit more compassionate and a little bit more in control of negative outbursts.

Being the bad part of someone else's story also reminds me that I have control over what controls me. There are people who the mere mention of their name gives me anxiety or heartache or anger. And that's on me. Just like for these people that hold the same emotions for me, the responsibility is on them to determine how long they want to allow those feels to control their lives.

We are all intertwined. Connected in ways we may not truly understand. The more you strive to be a better human, a responsible human (for yourself), and an aware human, the better juju we all have in each other's stories.

At the end of the day, you don't get to write the book for someone else. The character you play might not be one you'd like to portray, but its not yours to write. Good or bad, do your best to understand its not always yours to write.

Inspiration Everywhere

Today I want to celebrate the people in my world who inspire me.  I don't think we look around at the people in our world enough and give them credit for the role they play in our lives.  Certainly we get complacent in our routines and although we appreciate the humans that make up our tribe, we may not always consider why they're a constant force in our days.  

For the purpose of this blog - because you don't know any of these people, I'll use initials.  

GC (Friend) - GC passed in 2013 of breast cancer.  She inspires me everyday to never settle, take risks, and never stop laughing.

KH (My Aunt) - My aunt passed away in March of this year.  She was vivacious, passionate about giving back, and always treated you as if you were the most special person in the world.  She inspires me to be kinder.

CC (Friend) - CC is a friend I've known since we were little tiny sequins.  She is accomplished, constantly working on herself, and has recently committed herself to traveling the world.  She inspires me to cut people a break and to continue to put myself out there.  

KM (Friend) - KM is part of my girl tribe.  She lives life with an open heart.  She inspires me to let my guard down and keep my heart vulnerable.

JR (Friend) - JR is also part of my babe tribe.  She is a risk taker and an advocate.  She inspires me to be a strong woman and to take chances on my dreams.

BDS (Best Babes) - The BDS is my girl gang.  There are 5 of us.  These women are accepting, loving, supportive, and nonjudgmental.  They inspire me to love myself.

My Family - I have a large family.  We are all quite unique (thank goodness for that).  Each one inspires me in a different way but overall, these people inspire me to rely on others.  To never let myself be alone.

JK (Friend) - I met JK when I moved to Dallas.  She's a creative.  She's also in tune with her feelings.  She inspires me to not be ashamed of the way I feel.  And to talk about it more.  

DB (Friend) - DB and I met at work.  She celebrates everything.  She inspires me to celebrate more and to never need an occasion to make someone feel important.  

AO/SG - My Dallas work tribe. These women are brilliant, hardworking, kind people. They inspire me to keep learning and to never doubt my skill set. 

PH (My Cousin) - PH is my baby cousin. He recently lost his mom. He is the smartest person I know, the kindest and most loving family member. He inspires me to challenge myself in all the ways I’m afraid to challenge myself. 

KC (BFF) - KC can survive and thrive anywhere. He doesn’t judge. He doesn’t stress. He’s my hype man. He inspires me to know my worth.  

KW (Friend) - My Girl is fierce. She is the best mom. She works hard. She inspires me to be my authentic spicy sassy self because there’s nothing wrong with a bad ass woman with a big heart.  

Obviously there are A LOT of people who inspire me, not all listed here.  The point is, I'm surrounded by some incredible human beings.  

Do yourself a favor and think critically about why the people in your world exist there.  It will give you a greater appreciation for the real ones, and potentially a way to cut the ones loose who don't deserve your time.  Who inspires you everyday?