Peer Pressure

The other night I was watching the Sex & the City of the millennial generation - The Bold Type! It features the journey of 3 best babes working at a women’s magazine in NYC. It’s love, sex, friendship, life - all set in today’s times.

The episode revolved around the idea of that in between space that exists in the world of sex and dating that isn’t sexual assault but it’s a form of peer pressuring someone into doing more than they wanted to. The example in the story line (give or take a few colorful details) was two friends who were leaving a party and the male told the female it was too cold to walk home so he asked to stay at her place. She made it clear she didn’t want to engage in anything sexual but during the time they were at her place she felt guilted (new word, you’re welcome) into hooking up with him for a myriad of reasons.  The woman wrote an article on the culture of pressuring women into sexual experiences like this and whether or not the guy in the story is in fact a bad guy. And that sparked a lot of debate in my mind.

I’ve absolutely been there. And I’m not sure I ever really thought about it as anything but a grey area that I probably wouldn’t have engaged in sober or in a different situation, but I did it because I was drinking, felt bad, felt like I owed the guy, etc. etc. Yet today, I’m not sure I identify those men as bad men. I don’t respect them as much as I would a truly consensual partner, but I wouldn’t call them predators.

On the other hand, I think there’s something to be said for pressuring someone into any sexual encounter as a really not okay thing.  It’s pretty damn obvious when someone does not want to take something any further. Whether they say so, seem hesitant, it’s pretty damn simple to ask are you sure or walk away. Pressuring someone and then going through with it knowing you’ve done so, that’s pretty disgusting.

And 'I’m not just putting this on the men. This can happen truly from either gender but I hear about it a lot more within my community of women. There are countless examples of “I felt that he wouldn’t like me anymore if I did’t” or “I didn’t have anywhere else to stay, I thought I owed him at least that." or the “He bought all my drinks.” We all have those stories. Chances are, you also never thought about them as a man who took advantage of you but you may have felt icky about it.

The more and more I think about it, the more I review my past situations, the more I do identify it as really wrong. Fessing up to it as such and working to be better moving forward is a really critical part of the change.  

Like a lot of incidents of sexual assault, sexual harassment, etc. I think this all boils down to needing to have more open dialogue with each other. You might not intend to be harmful, but intent doesn’t equal outcome. Train yourself to have the tough conversation about consent. To consider how the other person is feeling before you move forward. Peer pressure doesn’t necessarily make you a bad guy, but it doesn’t make you a good one either.

Rollercoaster of Life

Life is like a roller coaster.  It's a series of ups and downs, highs and lows, twists and turns - you are never always on top and you are never stuck at the bottom.  

There is a lot of pressure in society to constantly be on.  To define success by always being in a great place.  But in reality - life is in constant transition.  You cannot possibly always have it all and to pretend you do is a really sad, exhausting lie.

In my past - I have fallen victim to the  pressure to prove myself.  To show those around me that I am in fact successful because I'm always onto the next step.  Truthfully, I've had some incredible success, failures, and unfortunate lessons that weren't really a success or a failure.  I've been laid off, accepted my dream job, been unemployed for 6 months, made a Division One track program, been consistently injured, felt incredible about myself, and been at the absolute bottom of the bottom.  

The point is - stop trying to be anything to anyone but yourself.  Stop pressuring yourself to prove you're a success to the masses and start focusing on how you define success for yourself.  

I used to define success by money and career status.  The more I've grown and asked myself why I felt that way - the more I've learned that my success is surviving my struggles, finding joy, and creating relationships that make me feel good.  

Do I want to have a successful career with financial stability?  Absolutely.  But I want a career that gives me passion, happiness - and fills my bank account so that I can travel and spend time with my humans.  I don't care if I'm the CEO of the Universe - that might impress Facebook, but if I'm unhappy, that's a failure.

Equally - a year ago I was laid off from a job I hated.  I made the decision to move home because I didn't want to build a life in LA anymore and financially - I needed to be smarter.  I was 31 and living at home.  It took me 6 months to find a job I was willing to accept and build a future on.  During that time - I was told by people very close to me that I was failing.  That I had done so much only to fall so far.  At first - I was mortified and started to believe what I was being told.  But something happened - I also got really protective of myself.  I did not consider myself failing.  Was it easy?  Was it where I wanted to be?  Absolutely not.  But I did not fail.  I was not at my lowest low.  I needed that time to regroup, make sure I was setting myself up for success financially, and to not rush into another bad situation.  I am not embarrassed by that time in my life.  It was part of my rollercoaster.  

In relationships, in careers, in health and in happiness - life will not be a constant peak.  You will fall and tumble and fall again.  You will rise and stay so high and then plateau and peak again.  Every single person in the world lives by this pattern.  You are not unique in having the roller coaster experience.  Take comfort in the fact that we all go through things that none of us see.  And remember in that vain - because you can't see everyone's highs and lows - we are all fighting battles and celebrating successes you know nothing about.  

You don't owe your story to anyone.  You don't have to show the world anything but what you choose to share.  The more you find the confidence to do what lights your world on fire - the less you need validation from society around you.

You are the one who has to live with each choice you make.  The people you're trying so hard to show your amazing life to - they don't matter.  They aren't part of your story, they're spectators to the world you present to them.  What do you want your life to look like, feel like, and say to your soul?