I had an Epiphany

The other day, I was being very introspective and in my feels. And that led me to an epiphany.

I am at peace.

I’ve certainly got a long way to go to be completely comfortable in life and I have my very off days - but for the most part, I am simply at peace.

For a really long time (is this my favorite way to start a sentence?) I was always in turmoil. Always struggling to not let the actions and words of others affect me.

From traumas to friendships to work — I would internalize everything and allow it to completely control my inner peace.

Through therapy, and a whole lot of commitment each day, I think I’ve got an initial understanding of how to combat that.

I’ve made myself happy.

I detach from things and people who bring me great stress, I put a lot of time towards the things that make me feel whole, and I repeat over and over to myself — that is not yours to control.

I haven’t ever been a judgmental person. It’s not in my nature. BUT, I do think that when I’m unhappy with myself, I find ways to be unhappy with others. I’ll be less patient with a coworker or I’ll make a snippy comment about a friend.

Lately, that’s not been a thing. For the most part, I have more patience, less internal bitterness, and more namaste.

Because I am a very instant gratification, what’s the purpose, when do we achieve the goal type A person — I want to have tangible results on things. Even therapy. And after a year of steadily committing to it, I was thinking where has it brought me and what has it taught me.

And the biggest thing I realized is this peace. The ability to let things go as not mine to own. And to genuinely not feel on the defensive 24/7. To not constantly be waiting for what’s next and allowing my anxieties to convince me of things that simply are not true.

Everything is not perfect, but all the sparkles are falling into place. I’m not naive enough to believe everything will be sparkles and rainbows forever, but I am confident I have better tools to manage the storms. Acknowledging that I am at peace gives me the realization that I have all the tools in front of me. When things get hard, I have everything I need to get through it.

My biggest piece of advice for those of you struggling with anxiety is to find peace within yourself. Figure out what that looks like and how to achieve it. And harness it. Go back to that place whenever you can. Write down what gets you there. Create a toolbox that you can rely on when things get tough. Because they will. They always will.

I had an epiphany the other day, and it has everything to do with the faith I have in myself.

Peer Pressure

The other night I was watching the Sex & the City of the millennial generation - The Bold Type! It features the journey of 3 best babes working at a women’s magazine in NYC. It’s love, sex, friendship, life - all set in today’s times.

The episode revolved around the idea of that in between space that exists in the world of sex and dating that isn’t sexual assault but it’s a form of peer pressuring someone into doing more than they wanted to. The example in the story line (give or take a few colorful details) was two friends who were leaving a party and the male told the female it was too cold to walk home so he asked to stay at her place. She made it clear she didn’t want to engage in anything sexual but during the time they were at her place she felt guilted (new word, you’re welcome) into hooking up with him for a myriad of reasons.  The woman wrote an article on the culture of pressuring women into sexual experiences like this and whether or not the guy in the story is in fact a bad guy. And that sparked a lot of debate in my mind.

I’ve absolutely been there. And I’m not sure I ever really thought about it as anything but a grey area that I probably wouldn’t have engaged in sober or in a different situation, but I did it because I was drinking, felt bad, felt like I owed the guy, etc. etc. Yet today, I’m not sure I identify those men as bad men. I don’t respect them as much as I would a truly consensual partner, but I wouldn’t call them predators.

On the other hand, I think there’s something to be said for pressuring someone into any sexual encounter as a really not okay thing.  It’s pretty damn obvious when someone does not want to take something any further. Whether they say so, seem hesitant, it’s pretty damn simple to ask are you sure or walk away. Pressuring someone and then going through with it knowing you’ve done so, that’s pretty disgusting.

And 'I’m not just putting this on the men. This can happen truly from either gender but I hear about it a lot more within my community of women. There are countless examples of “I felt that he wouldn’t like me anymore if I did’t” or “I didn’t have anywhere else to stay, I thought I owed him at least that." or the “He bought all my drinks.” We all have those stories. Chances are, you also never thought about them as a man who took advantage of you but you may have felt icky about it.

The more and more I think about it, the more I review my past situations, the more I do identify it as really wrong. Fessing up to it as such and working to be better moving forward is a really critical part of the change.  

Like a lot of incidents of sexual assault, sexual harassment, etc. I think this all boils down to needing to have more open dialogue with each other. You might not intend to be harmful, but intent doesn’t equal outcome. Train yourself to have the tough conversation about consent. To consider how the other person is feeling before you move forward. Peer pressure doesn’t necessarily make you a bad guy, but it doesn’t make you a good one either.

Ownership

It’s the beginning of the year, the holiday season is over, and it’s me - so I’m going to reflect! I talk a lot of past relationships and dating, but I don’t think I’ve ever really talked about me as a partner in the past. Buckle up kids - this is gonna be good.

Growing up, I was really insecure. I’ve been told I came off really confident, so props to me for that fake out when I was constantly unsure of who I was.  

Spoiler alert, when you don’t love yourself, it’s really hard to be successful in loving others.  

I was a really bad girlfriend in high school. I was jealous, played games, and was overall unfair. Back then, I didn’t see it that way, but now I laugh at what a lunatic I was. Ok I get it, in high school nobody knows what they are doing. We all think we are going to marry that person and ride off into the sunset. You can’t tell us anything different because you just haven’t loved anyone like we have. Pause for dramatic storm out.  

Thankfully I grew up. And I found a way to love myself. It’s taken awhile. And it’s not always been pretty. I have pushed people away, been a jerk, but I’ve also been a pretty decent catch.  

What I’ve figured out along the way is that at times when I’m not feeling my best self, my relationship doesn’t go well either. I’m a bad girlfriend because I’m being a bad partner to myself first. 

That’s deep right? Thought of it myself, thanks so much.  

 We spend a lot of time talking about those who did us wrong. Who were bad partners. There are so many fire memes about exes. But do we look at who we were in relationships?

Now if your mate was abusive or an overall POS, this isn’t where you try and look at where you went wrong in the relationship. Forget those people, that wasn’t you. That was them. Love you, mean it.

But chances are in at least one relationship, you might haven’t been the best either. Were you in a bad place? Unwilling to compromise? Unable to communicate? Unfaithful? It happens. It doesn’t make you a bad person or less of a catch.

Take the time to evaluate who you are in your relationships. The more self aware you are, the stronger you will be as a partner in the future. And when you are aware, you’re more in tune with what you’re looking for in a relationship. End result? You have more successful relationships.

Think about it. How often do you see your friends in bad relationships because they’re unsure of who they are, unaware of the bad partner they’ve been, and unwilling to admit to any of those things? I can think of at least three friends without missing a beat who I know will not have successful relationships until they confront the partner they  are.

I’ve been a bad girlfriend. I’ve been too busy, too insecure, too set in my ways. Knowing that now, reflecting on why I was that way, helps me to be a better person and partner now. It also has turned into me making better choices about who I date. When you love yourself and know how you deserve to be treated, you don’t settle for anything less.

Reflecting on painful breakups and relationships that caused you distress is not easy. It’s generally the past we prefer to bury away forever. I encourage you to drag it out anyways. Get really uncomfortable with your dark and stormy so that you can experience your bright and shiny.