Open to More

I have not always been so informed. I have not always been as vocal regarding political and social issues. I admit I have said and thought ignorant things in my life. And I’ll probably misunderstand a few more.

There came a time when I would be in conversation and honestly not know enough to give an opinion. Or I would form an opinion without ever really understanding another viewpoint.

Full transparency, I didn’t get Black Lives Matter and I was opposed to kneeling for the national anthem. I didn’t get it and I was immediately offended by both of these things.

I don’t know the turning point but eventually I started having open conversations with people who thought differently than I do and I asked really honest uncomfortable questions. Thankfully I was able to speak with people who didn’t get defensive or angry, they appreciate my eagerness to see things from another perspective. And the more I learned about both of these things, the more I changed my mind.

That’s the key to what’s happening right now. Instead of focusing on learning other perspectives or listening to new views — we want to be right. We want to win. And when we lead from a place of competition, we all lose.

Quite frankly, the reason we are so “divided” is because a lot of people refuse to accept truths. I used to think it was divide of political opinion, but now I realize it’s a divide between right and wrong. Those claiming it’s a divide politically, they’re wanting to justify their hate and that’s how they do it, by pointing fingers at the group they’re oppressing.

The truth? Slavery was widely accepted. Not allowing women to vote, widely accepted. Not allowing gays rights, again almost unanimously accepted at one time. The people who fought against these ideas, they were called traitors, troublemakers even. Disruptions to the norm. But enough people got together to talk about it that soon change started to occur.

The truth about America? We were built by a group of white men who governed in favor of white men. There’s no mention of women in the Constitution at all. Certainly persons of color were not given equality. So the system we built - I hope it’s broken because it was broken from the start. America wasn’t built to protect everyone. That’s what we fight for. It’s also really important to understand the difference between when things like women being allowed to vote occurred and black women were allowed to vote. Persons of color do not have the same experiences and get afforded the same rights just because it becomes a right for white people. Same with other minorities like Native Americans and Asians.

I think a lot of people in my life have seen my transition from passive to active as annoying. And I think that’s such a privileged way to look at things. I am very privileged. Certainly I have my struggles as a woman, but I’m a white woman, so I still am afforded some luxuries women of color are not. And I feel passionately about being on the right side of it all. I care a lot about equality for myself and for the people around me. And that’s why I’ve chosen to get educated and speak up.

To this day, I’ve got a lot to learn. And while I probably won’t agree with every social/political issue in the liberal world, I do tend to lean more liberal socially. Fiscally, you might find yourself surprised to know I’m a bit more conservative. For me, each issue is its own issue. And it’s not necessarily about siding Republican or Democrat.

I’m open to more than the defined roles we’ve been given.

Now I’m also not ignorant to thinking I can vote third party and our problems will be addressed. Quite frankly, I’m voting Democrat right now as much as possible because the GOP has created such a horrific environment that we need a shake up to get back to neutral. I’m voting blue across the bord because I have to. We can’t afford to continue letting the GOP remain in charge. I am honestly disgusted with anyone who thinks differently.

The point is - be open to more than you know now. I can’t stand hearing Americans complain about illegals and politics and politicians and yet you don’t vote. And you don’t know anything about politics or social issues. There’s no excuse for that level of ignorance. If you don’t vote and are able to - you define privilege.  And its unacceptable. Your opinion is unnaceptable and you don’t get to have it if uou don’t vote.

Be open to listening to people who are nothing like you. Be open to learning and forming your own opinions based on real research. Be open to evolving. Just be open to more.

You’ll never have too much information. You’ll never be an expert on it all. You will always be able to talk to more people, learn more, and become a better citizen of the world around you.

And if people are open to change and learning, embrace them for it. Stop shaming folks who used to be in the wrong and have been brave enough to want better. I’m sick of this competition that makes you better because you “knew from the start.” It doesn’t encourage change and acceptance when you bully others who want to get there simply because they took longer. Help them so you can help America. 

If this horrible situation has taught us anything, it’s that we all might have been a bit ignorant to the real America. Like a lot ignorant. And we cannot afford to ever go back. Be open to more.

Mind Games

Growing up as an athlete, I've never been comfortable with feelings.  I operate from a place of maintaining toughness, avoiding discussing emotions, and distracting myself from my problems.  I rarely if ever cry, I keep serious things close to the vest, and I never take time to consider if I'm mentally healthy. 

I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression early in life.  I've taken some form of medication for as long as I can remember to help me combat those chemical imbalances.  Thankfully I grew out of the depression but my anxiety can range from mild to severe on a daily basis.  While these are both really common ailments in society, I've never openly talked about suffering from them. 

When I was in college, I was attacked at knife point.  I was 17 years old and in a cast with a broken foot and extremely vulnerable to my attacker.  The next day when I spoke to my Sprints Coach about what happened, his major concern was about my mental health.  This was the first time I had ever had someone talk to me about how I was feeling emotionally, not just how I was physically.  He suggested I meet with a psychologist on staff to just talk.  I stuck with the sessions for maybe a month.  But having someone I respected in my world of sports and competition speak to mental health so openly - opened my eyes even a small bit to the importance of mental health.  That is was okay to get help.

There's a stigma with mental health.  A mental illness is often correlated with a crazy person.  We are taught that to show emotion is weakness.  To say "I'm not okay" is a sign of someone who is less than.  It's embarrassing to admit fear.  To say, I'm sad.  So we internalize it.  We "stay tough."  The fact is 1 in 5 Americans suffers from some form of mental illness in a given year.  That can range from anxiety to depression to bipolar disorder.  60% of those people don't get help. 

In 2008 I started a new job that turned out to have an unhealthy unethical environment.  I lost my Gammie, with whom I was very close.  I finally decided to call it quits for good with an on again off again boyfriend.  I had a medical issue that took about 6 months to diagnose and resulted in surgery and later an infection.  Eventually I got to a point where I was not ok.  Now mind you I have an incredible support system.  My family and my friends are so supportive and so incredibly willing to go above and beyond to care for me.  But I still couldn't express how poorly I was coping.  Eventually, in order to help my case with what was happening at work, I stared going to a therapist. 

The extent of my discomfort with emotions was easily seen by the therapist I began working with.  I could barely open up to him about anything.  It took a full year of weekly appointments for me to fully trust him and talk about something other than work stress. But what I learned slowly was that to not talk about my problems, to pretend they don't exist, and to try and internalize everything is extremely dangerous. 

I've been in and out of therapy since 2008.  And I still struggle to deal with emotions.  Until very recently, some of my best friends had no idea some of the things I've dealt with in life.  I've never told them.  Close family members are just now learning about silent battles of years past.  But I'm starting to be open.  I'm starting to make a conscious effort to be stronger than the stigma.  Be stronger than the fear of being weak. To let people care for me as I care for them.

So what's my point?  I like to think I'm someone that at least a couple people respect.  And I think those people might be surprised that the bubbly, sparkly person that I am has ever battled depression and anxiety.  And those same people might think that the happy Ashley is fake because surely you can't have anxiety and be like me - but you're wrong.  I'm truly this ridiculously sparkly.  So my point is that its ok to speak up.  It's ok to say I'm not ok.  And having anxiety or depression or OCD or whatever you may have does not make you crazy.  It makes you human. 

I continue to struggle.  My anxiety causes me to be an incredibly in control person.  For me to write about this in a very public setting is a big step.  It's making a bigger commitment to be open about mental health.  Because I truly believe your mental health is just as important as your physical health.  And that's why I will continue to do everything I can; from therapy to yoga to glitter - to keep working on my mind as much as I work on my body. 

Make a point to talk to your humans.  Your circle of chosen unicorns.  Open up to them.  Talk about your feelings, the things you experience, and let your relationships flourish because of it.  Allow people to be there for you.  Don't pretend everything is amazing if it isn't.  Give your people a chance to support you back to amazing.

And if at any point you get to a place that you need more than a friend, please do not ever hesitate to call a professional.  Ask for help.  There is incredible strength in knowing you need more than a hug and a glass of wine.  It's a battle you should never have to fight alone.  You are loved and you can get better and I sincerely hope you know that you're stronger for seeking a source of change. 

Lastly, I encourage everyone to become more educated and comfortable with the term mental illness and what that encompasses.  I encourage you to show compassion.  I insist you pay attention to the people around you.  Stop telling people "it will get better" or "get over your anxiety" or refer to mental illness as crazy.  Be compassionate.  Be open minded.  Make your loved ones comfortable enough to come to you before it gets bad.  We all go through so much, we all handle it so differently.  Remember that everyone around you is fighting a battle you don't know about.  It's not a competition, let's work hard to ensure we all make it out and thrive.

#SparkleOn

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