Older + Wiser(ish)

Contrary to what you would believe if you looked at me, I am in fact aging. In fact, I’m going to be 40 next year! And while that sounds absolutely wild, it’s also something I’m grateful for.

And yet, even I am not immune to what it’s like aging as a woman in the world. There’s so much pressure to stay hot, look young, be it all. Women are “old” while men are “in their prime.” I hate it. It makes absolutely no sense. But there are times in which I understand it and fear aging too.

My 30’s have been the absolute best years of my life. Truly, my 20’s were fun, but they were a shitshow. My 30’s are where I’ve done the most growing, learning and becoming my best self. I can only hope my 40’s will follow this pattern.

So how was women do we focus on the good parts of aging?

1. Do you: Plain and simple, do what makes you happy. Stop the noise of “I shouldn’t and I should” and do what brings you joy. Forget the trends, the diets, the cliche advice. Want to wear a mini skirt at 60? Rock it babe. Want to start a new career at 40? Get after it! Refuse to get work done ever? Age gracefully queen. There’s no rules. You’re the one who has to do this journey, don’t do it for anyone else.

2. Worry less about what others think of us: Ok, yea, this one is the hardest. But actively choosing to block the noise when others have opinions on how we look, what we do - is critical to aging. Because there will always be someone saying we look too something, are wearing something we shouldn’t, that we need Botox — the list goes on. So what. That’s a reflecting of them, not us.

3. Be an ally: I’m a girl’s girl. I’m going to compliment you in the streets, hype you up at work and give you the hard truth when you need it. Actively choose to lift up other women on their aging journey. Compliment strangers of all ages. Be patient and kind with older and younger folks at work alike. When another woman chooses to age differently than you, support her. Champion other women for choosing what works for them.

4. Create value for yourself outside of your physical appearance. As we get older, our bodies and looks change. There are going to be times we don’t love that. You have to find value in yourself outside of your physical body. I hope you find ways to love how beautiful you are at every age, but I hope first and foremost you remember the only person it matters you look good for is yourself and what that means to you. And that your looks are the least interesting thing about you.

5. Find gratitude: It truly is a gift to age. Especially in a world I’ve seen so many friends and family lose that privilege. Learn to be grateful you have the opportunity to age and experience all that comes with. So many don’t have that opportunity.

Aging is wild as hell. I feel like I was both 18 yesterday and 22 last week and that I’m still 24 now. It’s wild to be an age that I used to think was so far beyond my scope that surely I can’t be there yet. And I’ll struggle with that, but I’ll also find ways to live the rest of this life aging with joy.

I guess therapy works

It took me a few years to stick with therapy regularly and do the work. Because you can go to therapy, but not actually participate in a way that makes it effective. Or you’re with the wrong therapist. A whole lot of things have to align for therapy to stick and actually make you change. Including being in a place to invest in becoming better.

I’m not great with feelings. Because of trauma and being an athlete, I am the best at turning off my emotions and getting shit done. It’s both a skill and a problem.

But eventually, I became exhausted of my own bullshit. I was tired of not getting the most out of life and always feeling ‘meh’ or worse than meh. Or not being able to control my anxiety + PTSD.

I’ve slowly evolved, grown and become better for myself and others, but not in any meaningful way until the last year. But more and more, I’m finally having those moments they tell you about. Where you handle a situation better than old you would have. I’m less frazzled in situations that used to cripple me. My priorities are different. My inner circle is tight and I’m quicker to cut out people who don’t create peace in my nervous system.

I’m still not a crier. I don’t know if that will ever change. And I still struggle with opening up when I’m struggling, but I do open up. I do say “I’m having a hard time with my mental health.” And while that may seem small, for me, that’s night and day. I speak openly about my PTSD and triggers. If I need to remove myself from a situation, I do. I don’t apologize for that, I just express my needs and follow through. I no longer suffer to avoid speaking about it.

More often than not, when I have therapy, I learn something new about why I am the way I am or how I can become a better version of myself.

Therapy works. And not the trendy therapy words or workbooks or toxic way in which folks have weaponized mental health. Therapy works in a way that fundamentally changes who you are when you’re willing to go there.

Therapy is a lot of work. It’s really hard. If you’re doing it right, it’s the hardest thing you’ll ever do. But without it, I’m not sure where I’d be. So if you’re looking for a reason to make your life better, to learn to better cope, to have better relationships - to just get more goodness out of the world we spend so little time in - go to therapy. And do it right.

Unconscious Bias

I’m pretty "woke.” I like to stay informed fight for equality, talk to people that are nothing like me. But I am not perfect. And I’ve got a lot of unconscious biases to move away from.

The other day I made a comment about a photo and how in the Lululemon ad it looked like the woman had a penis in her leggings. In no way was it meant to be negative towards the trans community. It was more poking fun at Lululemon, a company famous for its biases towards really thin women. My coworker made a really valid point: women can have penises too.

It didn’t matter that I didn’t mean any offense. It could be offensive to someone. I get it, we are all so very offended these days. But this falls into the category of something that I could put effort into being more aware. I believe it is my responsibility as a feminist to make everyone feel equal and loved.

I’m also not saying I should feel guilty or like I did anything wrong. The truth is, I’ve grown up in a very straight hetero normative world. That’s really all I’ve known because its my experience. I have to unlearn those experiences to some extent to welcome in new norms.

Why is this important? Why can’t everyone just “be less sensitive?” Sure, we can go that route, and that’s fine if that’s really how you want to live. I personally believe in equality. I want to experience that for myself and for future generations. So I’m willing to put in a little extra work, to ensure that I’m changing my unconscious biases and making the world easier for others.

I think we’ve actually become less sensitive and more selfish. We get so outraged and point so many fingers and instead of figuring out what something means, we just lash out. We are uninformed and we aren’t talking to each other and that’s creating a lack of safe space for really everyone.

Instead of becoming angry or defensive - take a deep breath. Have the conversation with an open mind. And if ultimately a little compassion and a little extra effort on your part can make someone else more comfortable, how is that not worth the energy? I’d hope that someone would do the same for me. We all have to live here, let’s make it livable.

Career Corner: Some Advice

It has been a minute since I’ve provided any sort of career advice!

Something I’ve been working on in my own career journey lately is making myself a differentiator. What that means is what can you do to make yourself stand out at work so that when it is time for raises, promotions, and bonuses - you are at the forefront of management’s mind?

Here’s what I’m doing.

Master your role

First and foremost you need to be a master of your role. This should be your number one priority at all times. You cannot expect to be rewarded for anything until you know how to excel at what you’re paid to do. Additionally, any networking you’ve done, any side projects, none of those matter if you are only mediocre at the job. Be the best at what your roles and responsibilities are before anything else. That is your brand.

Next Level

Once you’re completely mastered your current role, look to what the next step responsibilities are and start mastering those. For example, if a promotion for you means managing others, start to be a leader on your team. Support others, provide growth opportunities, share feedback. Become someone that is a resource for the rest of the team. Be seen as a leader among your peers.

Learn Learn Learn

Never stop learning. If your company provides growth training or opportunities to attend conferences, take them. I work in tech. I am constantly having to reeducate myself on our technologies and solutions as well as teach myself about the ever changing new tech in the world. Never ever get comfortable in thinking that you are an expert. There is always something more to learn.

Differentiate

Figure out an area that your company or team is lacking and provide solutions for growth. Showcase the skills you have that can fill this void. I am passionate about hospitality and creating one of a kind experiences. I work at a company with endless resources to accomplish this. So I’ve challenged myself to go the extra mile and provide next level experiences for our customers.

Network

Always be networking. But effectively. It’s about who you know, but it’s also about the relationships that are authentic. And back to number one, the best networking you can do is be great at your job. You will get noticed when your brand is associated with excellence. It’s also about making meaningful connections. Don’t always look for the highest ranking person in the room, they truly rarely have time for you (rightfully so). Get to know people in the room that can provide a mutually beneficial relationship and that can teach you something. Be respectful of their time. Be authentic. Don’t be someone who only reaches out because they need something. Networking shouldn’t be a forced fake interaction. It should be real and make sense for two people.

It seems simple, but that’s a lot of things to put in place. Put the work in. Be a good person. Go above and beyond. Be authentic. And when it’s your time, give back to the next generation.

Good luck out there sequins!

Security

For the first time in my adult life, I feel financially secure. Let’s get real about what I mean here. I spent a lot of time working in roles that didn’t pay well. A lot of which groceries do I have to buy and where can I eat Top Ramen? A lot of ok if I pay my rent, I can’t go to the bars with friends this weekend. That’s what I mean by times I wasn’t financially secure. I’ve always paid my bills, I’ve never experienced abject poverty. I am lucky.

But there is something to be said for money buying happiness. I get it, money doesn’t solve all our problems, but having it certainly doesn’t hurt. My life is less stressful because I can pay my bills and travel the world. I can go on a shopping spree and it’s not going to throw me off balance. A weight has been lifted off my shoulders because I don’t have to worry what I’ll do if something needs to be done for my car. Money has bought me some sort of happiness by removing some of the stresses I used to have when I didn’t have any.

Money controls a lot of our culture these days. In every aspect of pop culture, money is king. Our generation is weirdly about excess and minimalism. I’m even confused about it all. But what I’ve found is that the more I have money, the more I want to save. Oddly having financial security has motivated me to lean more towards minimalism because I prefer to spend on experiences and save the rest.

I’m also more humble and appreciative of the journey I’ve been on financially because I never thought I’d get to this point. I honestly remember feeling like I was drowning and would forever be living counting every last penny to survive.

What’s the point of this not quite sob/not quite humble brag story? Not too sure in all honesty, it’s more of a revelation I had and wanted to share in all this noise about money not being able to buy happiness.

I sort of wanted to speak to the idea that a lot of people - usually people well off, like to say money can’t buy happiness. Truth is, I think in a way it very much can. It can buy you less stress. It can buy you security. It can buy you food. Health.

Bottom line, as we talk about finances and money in our culture and in social as well as political settings, I think being mindful of socioeconomic status is critical. Money can buy happiness. And sometimes, its not even a lot of money needed to do so.

Rather than a lesson, I’d like to say this should lead to some reflection and discussion around money, happiness, and the way in which we look at the connection between the two.

What do you think? Can money buy happiness?

I'm sorry

Part of growing and accepting myself has revolved around not being sorry for existing. Women specifically have often been taught to exist quietly. We apologize often, beg off compliments, and often try our best to blend in.

I’ve never been able to blend in. And I never will be.

I am forever guilty of begging off compliments, sharing credit when its mine to own, and apologizing for being a really big personality.

It’s exhausting.

And the more I grow and love myself, the more people are intimidated by that. I’ve been called arrogant, too much, bossy - honestly I’ve heard it all.

When you choose to love yourself, to stop apologizing for existing, you have to accept that not everyone is so brave. They may try to break you down because they cannot do what you have done. That is not yours to own.

Start recognizing when you apologize or belittle yourself. Take the time to stop, correct the behavior, and move forward. The more you do so, the more you’ll find you stop apologizing.

I’m not saying I’ve mastered the art of this skill. I have my moments where I make myself smaller to make others comfortable. But I’m trying.

The fun part about refusing to be sorry is that the less I do it, the more confident I am. I love myself more. I get this insane sense of faith in myself and what I can do for this world.

Who are you to shrink yourself to make others comfortable? What if you could change the world but you stayed small because you weren’t able to stand up and say I won’t apologize because I have so much to give. I say it often because it seems to prove true with each day - but you have one life. One chance to get the most out of it. Would you rather simply exist or unapologetically thrive?

My 384th Mid Life Crisis

I’m really introspective. I’m constantly evaluating where I’m at, who I am, what I’m doing and how I can make adjustments to grow and be better. I want to maximize who I am and what I can do in this world. Because of that, I have a mid life crisis at least every other year. It’s so unnecessary and so annoying. And so me.

For someone who’s a all glitter, puppies, and sports - I’m quite the deep thinker. It’s never far from my mind that I’ve got a limited amount of time and I’m already about 1/3 into this thing and there’s no redo. It feels like walking up the stairs forever without seeing the top. And its not getting off on any of the floors to stop and see the sights. It’s just climbing and climbing and it never ends.

I don’t know why its at its most extra this year, but for some reason being 33 hit me really hard. I started thinking I was old. Too old for this, too young for that. Past my prime for this milestone. Too far from hitting that one. And the more I talked to friends in a similar life stage as I’m at, the more I realized I’m not alone. Everyone is out there questioning who they are, where they’re at, and what they should be doing differently.

I think part of living in a world where you have these really high expectations and you’re constantly thinking about every little detail of your life is that you hold it inside. You feel like a freak because that’s a heavy load of thoughts/feelings/fears. So it becomes this burden that you don’t dare speak out loud, making it heavier and heavier to carry inside. You fear speaking it out loud because it makes it real. And it makes it open for judgment.

Realistically, you’re not alone. Super not alone. I think a lot of people around you will say they’ve got the same exact fears at any given time. They’re worrying about their job, their finances, their relationships, their age, their skin, their clothes — every single thing — all the things! And there truly are so many things.

Now I’m not saying you should get out there and share all the thoughts in your head about this every time the mid life crisis creeps up. That’s next level and people have things they have to carry on their own. We all got a lot of shit to do. But you can confide in your people. You can say woah hey, this one is especially overwhelming can we hash some things out? And if you need more than a friendly ear and a glass of wine, call a therapist.

Therapy is my absolute favorite place for mid life crisis thirty. It’s a safe space with a neutral party who is ready to help talk you off the ledge and remind you that you’re not in fact crazy, you’re just really hard on yourself. You can make lists and do worksheets and its actual heaven for type A folks. I’m currently keeping a very detailed sleep journal for my therapist and I’m obsessed with the fact that it gives me an action point for helping myself.

If it’s a mini mid life crisis - you can take out your toolkit and manage that shit at home. Get in tune with where you’re at. Make your own list of things you love about yourself, things you’ve achieved, reasons people love you. Check off the bucket list items you’ve gone and done. And make a new list or vision board of where you want to go/what you want to achieve next. Setup a plan to achieve those things. I find when I can see a plan or a list in front of me, I’m able to get an idea for the bigger picture and calm myself the hell down. It gives me space to take a deep breath. To feel a little more in control of my situation and the path I’m on.

We also have to address the annoying societal standards in the world. I don’t know who invented these but sincerely stop. If I have to see one more Instagram model filtered and nipped and tucked and be told I have to be gorgeous and funny and smart and I’m going to lose it. Thankfully our generation is taking a stand and trying to move forward, but there are still a lot of life stages dictated by society/customs/religions/parents. It’s really hard to push back on these things. Especially when they’re family/faith/culturally based. At the end of the day though, you are in charge of your plan and your life. You have to understand that there are sincerely no rules to how life happens. Your stages might look differently than others and the expectations others have for you. And that’s okay. Remind yourself of this often. Life is hard enough, you don’t need the added pressure of pleasing others.

You also need to accept that you can’t control everything. The world is going to get wild and weird and you may have to zig where you planned to zag. Life has its own plan for you. That plan could involve more twists and turns than Carol who landed the dream job at 21 and found the dream guy at 22 and - you see what I’m saying? That’s not for you to plan. That’s for you to experience.

The mid life crisis life is hard. It’s not for the faint of heart. It’s also really manageable and becomes less of a looming cloud if you take control to the best of your ability. Do whatever you have to in order to maintain balance. Leave yourself notes, set reminders on your phone, get out and do more of what makes you feel alive and thriving - whatever it is, don’t allow those mid life crisis to steal your confidence. Chin up sequins, life is made to be designed, and you, you’re custom.

Open to More

I have not always been so informed. I have not always been as vocal regarding political and social issues. I admit I have said and thought ignorant things in my life. And I’ll probably misunderstand a few more.

There came a time when I would be in conversation and honestly not know enough to give an opinion. Or I would form an opinion without ever really understanding another viewpoint.

Full transparency, I didn’t get Black Lives Matter and I was opposed to kneeling for the national anthem. I didn’t get it and I was immediately offended by both of these things.

I don’t know the turning point but eventually I started having open conversations with people who thought differently than I do and I asked really honest uncomfortable questions. Thankfully I was able to speak with people who didn’t get defensive or angry, they appreciate my eagerness to see things from another perspective. And the more I learned about both of these things, the more I changed my mind.

That’s the key to what’s happening right now. Instead of focusing on learning other perspectives or listening to new views — we want to be right. We want to win. And when we lead from a place of competition, we all lose.

Quite frankly, the reason we are so “divided” is because a lot of people refuse to accept truths. I used to think it was divide of political opinion, but now I realize it’s a divide between right and wrong. Those claiming it’s a divide politically, they’re wanting to justify their hate and that’s how they do it, by pointing fingers at the group they’re oppressing.

The truth? Slavery was widely accepted. Not allowing women to vote, widely accepted. Not allowing gays rights, again almost unanimously accepted at one time. The people who fought against these ideas, they were called traitors, troublemakers even. Disruptions to the norm. But enough people got together to talk about it that soon change started to occur.

The truth about America? We were built by a group of white men who governed in favor of white men. There’s no mention of women in the Constitution at all. Certainly persons of color were not given equality. So the system we built - I hope it’s broken because it was broken from the start. America wasn’t built to protect everyone. That’s what we fight for. It’s also really important to understand the difference between when things like women being allowed to vote occurred and black women were allowed to vote. Persons of color do not have the same experiences and get afforded the same rights just because it becomes a right for white people. Same with other minorities like Native Americans and Asians.

I think a lot of people in my life have seen my transition from passive to active as annoying. And I think that’s such a privileged way to look at things. I am very privileged. Certainly I have my struggles as a woman, but I’m a white woman, so I still am afforded some luxuries women of color are not. And I feel passionately about being on the right side of it all. I care a lot about equality for myself and for the people around me. And that’s why I’ve chosen to get educated and speak up.

To this day, I’ve got a lot to learn. And while I probably won’t agree with every social/political issue in the liberal world, I do tend to lean more liberal socially. Fiscally, you might find yourself surprised to know I’m a bit more conservative. For me, each issue is its own issue. And it’s not necessarily about siding Republican or Democrat.

I’m open to more than the defined roles we’ve been given.

Now I’m also not ignorant to thinking I can vote third party and our problems will be addressed. Quite frankly, I’m voting Democrat right now as much as possible because the GOP has created such a horrific environment that we need a shake up to get back to neutral. I’m voting blue across the bord because I have to. We can’t afford to continue letting the GOP remain in charge. I am honestly disgusted with anyone who thinks differently.

The point is - be open to more than you know now. I can’t stand hearing Americans complain about illegals and politics and politicians and yet you don’t vote. And you don’t know anything about politics or social issues. There’s no excuse for that level of ignorance. If you don’t vote and are able to - you define privilege.  And its unacceptable. Your opinion is unnaceptable and you don’t get to have it if uou don’t vote.

Be open to listening to people who are nothing like you. Be open to learning and forming your own opinions based on real research. Be open to evolving. Just be open to more.

You’ll never have too much information. You’ll never be an expert on it all. You will always be able to talk to more people, learn more, and become a better citizen of the world around you.

And if people are open to change and learning, embrace them for it. Stop shaming folks who used to be in the wrong and have been brave enough to want better. I’m sick of this competition that makes you better because you “knew from the start.” It doesn’t encourage change and acceptance when you bully others who want to get there simply because they took longer. Help them so you can help America. 

If this horrible situation has taught us anything, it’s that we all might have been a bit ignorant to the real America. Like a lot ignorant. And we cannot afford to ever go back. Be open to more.

My Best Me

ITS OCTOBER! October is where I'm my best me. It's the month of my birth, Championship baseball season (GO GIANTS...even when they're not in it), college football is in full swing, the air is crisp, the leaves are changing, and Halloween/Pumpkin life has arrived. The way a lot of people feel about Summer is the way I feel about October. I thrive the entire month.

Do ya'll have a time of year when you feel you're at your best? Like you can conquer the world?

This whole idea of living your best life at a certain time of year got me thinking, how do we bottle that up and use it throughout the rest of the year? It seems silly to only be your best you for part of the year. That's a lot of other time spent not being your best you, and that's a lot of time you could be doing so.

As always, I'm using me as an example for this exercise. What makes me feel my best me? I'm very affected by weather. I hate heat. I like when it's chilly and I need greenery. I need open spaces and to see blue skies. I'm also a huge sports fan. In the Fall, all the best sports are in their prime. I'm also a kid at heart, I love my Birthday and celebrating myself. It's all sparkles and smiles and being surrounded by people I love.

Ok -so let's break that down.

Weather: LOL Ashley you cannot control the weather. It cannot be Fall all year round. But you can escape to where it feels a little more Fall. When its unbearably hot where I'm currently living, I can escape to somewhere cooler. Hate Winter? Get yourself to the Caribbean for a lovely getaway. The point is, you are not a tree, move!

Sports: I freaking love the sports. I hate that brief period of time that it's not football or baseball season, its torture! But I can find other sports to get interested in. And I can reminisce on past moments that made me super happy in sports. Are you big into flowers and it's not spring? Have some flowers delivered to yourself and keep them in your home for an instant smile. Too hot for a cup of warm tea and a blanket? Turn the AC up and indulge!

Birthday: Cool, so realistically I can't change or add days for my birthday. But I can celebrate myself other days. Had an awesome day at work? Great let's get ice cream! And when I think about it, what I love most about my birthday is the people I share it with. I get more time and attention with the people I love. Why wait for a day? I can spend more time with the people I love any day! Chances are the days you like the celebrate are because of the people around you and the way they make you feel. So stop waiting for a given day, see them because they matter to you every single day.

A million things align for us to be our best selves. And we can find a million excuses for when we aren't our best selves. It's all controllable even when its uncontrollable. LOL - what does that even mean? It means when you can't control things, control how you react. Choose to say whatever bad day, let's get drinks. Ok office jerk, forget you - headphone times! Adjust the day and make it more conducive to living your best life.

It's time for the lesson. Stop waiting for the best time of the year to live your best life, to be your best you. Figure out why Summer/Fall/October/December are your favorite time of year and figure out how you can recreate those feelings the rest of the year. Being your best you for a short period of time is wasting a long period of time that you could be thriving. Don't let the rest of the year suck because you're not in prime you season. Make every moment a moment you can live your best life as your best you.

The Future is Still Female

I often talk about being a woman and how hard that can be in a culture that favors men. Today I'm going to give specific examples of areas it's hard to be a woman and how you can become a strong woman by turning that situation in your favor. Sometimes all it takes is a shift in perspective to shift the odds in your favor.

1. The Glass Ceiling

We all know about the wage gap. It's real. It's really hard to be a woman in a world that places men in charge more often than women, that pays women less for the same work, and that still chastises women for being strong when it praises men for the same behavior. Acknowledge these things and forget them. Do what men do. Ask for what you deserve, and be prepared to walk away if you aren't given it. Own the idea as your own, stop giving credit where credit is not due. If you're called a bitch for standing up for yourself, stop the dialogue right there. Don't be intimidated by the attempts to shut down your strength. It takes a lot of energy and confidence to put these things into action. You have to believe in yourself and you will have to repeat these things over and over. But men don't apologize for being loud. They take the credit, sometimes when it's not theirs to take. And they ask for the raise. The only way for you to get the same respect, the additional money, the title - you've got to speak up. And you've got to ignore the people who shame you for these things. The right company, the right culture - they'll recognize the value you provide, and they'll appreciate the strong woman you are because it benefits their bottom line as much as it does yours.

2. The Harassment

Harassment happens daily for most of us. Between cat calls, inappropriate behavior, unwanted touching, and so much more - women face a lot of behavior that's just plain wrong. It gives us emotions that ranges from uncomfortable to legitimate fear. Quote honestly, I'm with Iliza Schleisinger, it stems from the fact that men are born stronger than women. They know that we can't overpower them in most cases. And that's what stops us a lot of times. Even when we get brave and speak up, there's that little moment you think "Oh shit, is he going to kill me?" And that sucks. However, not saying anything, that's even scarier. Take the power away. Call out the abuser. And if you have to, take appropriate legal action. In the workplace, at the grocery store, at the bars, stop this behavior in its tracks. And when you see it happening to others, say something. You don't owe anyone their comfort when they've stolen yours. You don't have to laugh. And you don't have to explain yourself. If you feel unsafe, that's enough to justify a response. Call it out, take proper recourse, and continue doing so. Let them call you angry, let them claim they weren't interested in you, let them shame you. That's not on you, that's on them. They know what they did was wrong. Encourage your male counterparts to speak up too. Talk to them frankly, explain how these things make you feel. How they're not ok. That's the only way we stop this. By not allowing it to slide by without a word.

3. Feminists are Angry Man Hating Women

First of all, we are angry. We are angry because we want equality. But feminists don't hate men. The only thing feminists want are equal rights. When you hear people labeling feminists as man haters, dykes, or other derogatory misguided comments - correct these people. Often times, you can't change their minds, but you should sure as hell try. There are a lot of uneducated people, sadly, a lot of women, who have no idea what feminism is. Maybe they're shown poor examples or maybe, they're ignorant - bottom line, stop and make the correction. Feminism isn't going anywhere, best to show we are a force to be reckoned with in the best possible way. And be a good example of what it means to be a feminist. The strongest way we can push our agenda is to exist as strong women. Watch the way you speak about women and men. Are you living a life that shows equality is your focus? Check yourself and make changes where you need to in order to truly focus on what being a feminist means.

4. The Pressures of looking perfect

This one is my favorite because what does perfect even mean? Personally, I have no desire to look like a lot of IG models/real models/celebrities. My ideal body type is strong, healthy, and a little curvy. For someone else, they prefer to be thin with minimal curves. The point is, whatever your ideal body type is, that's what perfect is. Additionally, you aren't made to please anyone else. It's not our job to look any certain way for a man (or women if you're gay). You don't owe looking any which way to anyone. Sometimes, I look disgusting and I have the audacity to go out in public when I do - and I won't apologize for that. Stop comparing yourself, stop getting yourself to a place that's unhealthy or unhappy because you need to look a certain way. Begin to talk about yourself and others in a really positive way. Compliment each other on the things you love about you. Instead of focusing on looks, celebrate the successes of who you are. Start young. Teach little girls they're more than how they look. I like to leave myself post its that remind me what I love about me. Some days it is physical (cute butt), but often times it has more to do with who I am. And STOP judging other women based upon their looks. We all judge but redefine how you look at women. Start seeing the positive things (hey girl, love your style) rather than either hating on a heavy/thin woman, change the dialogue because her looks have nothing to do with you.

5. That's not ladylike

Fuck. That. Shit. Seriously. What is ladylike? You know what's ladylike? Being whomever and whatever you like. We already have to give birth (if we so choose), let's go ahead and not make any other demands of a woman, because that's already superhuman. If you want to swear, dress "like a man" (ok society, whatever that means), not step foot in a kitchen in your life - do it. There's no rules. Men and women do not need to fit into defined roles. Being ladylike is owning your truth. Remind people of this when they try to say otherwise. A woman's place is wherever she damn well pleases. The best way to combat this viewpoint is to simply live your life your way. Don't fit into any mold you don't want to. And don't apologize, don't explain - just live your life for you. And live it well.

6. Women who are single are unhappy

This one is so absurd I almost just ignore it. Being single is where I've learned the most about who I am and become the best most confident version of myself. Having an awesome partner is super dope. It makes the adventure a lot of fun (and less expensive). But I don't hate being single. When I'm single, I get to grow and learn a lot about me and who I want to be. Not all single women are looking for relationships. We are not attempting to wife you all. I think the best way to fight back on this one is to laugh. Society is built to back this statement until the death, so countering it is super hard. You get labeled the angry single spinster. You become the bitter one who hates men. There really isn't anything you can say to fight it. So ignore it. Laugh it off. And then keep living your best single life. Quite honestly, instead of arguing about it and your own insecurities (which is the only reason anyone believes in this one), I'd rather be traveling Europe, sipping on sparkly drinks on the beach, or getting my sweat on in a super awesome Pilates class. This one has nothing to do with you and everything to do with the insecurities society has placed on people.

You know what - this one is going to become a series. There are so many examples of situations in which its so difficult to be a woman. And so many ways to combat them. And so many ways to gain a whole lot of confidence in doing so. I hope these help. If you've got situations to submit, shoot me an email, I'd love to address your specific concerns! Get out there and thrive ladies. We are in a time to make a difference and effect change, do your part by being authentic to the cause of equality!