You and Only You

Stop expecting you from other people.

I say this to myself about 100 times a day. I sincerely struggle with the fact that not everyone at work and in life meets my effort, sincerity, and compassion.

I work really hard, I care a lot about being aware of others, I care a lot in general. I sit here and I’m like I don’t give any fucks, but I do, I give all of them.

Truth is, not everyone else does. Some people are OK existing in a status quo. They are less aware of what others think and feel. And that makes me insane.

But I can’t change it.

There really is nothing wrong with people who exist in a level of bare minimum. It’s not actively rude or bad, but to those of us who exist in the consistent level of striving for excellence; it is the absolute worst.

Learning to remind myself that it is unrealistic and unfair to expect ME in other people is one of the hardest things I have ever had to deal with. I actively struggle with this every single day, all day long. It has caused me heartache, hurt feelings, and misplaced anger because I really do not comprehend that other people do not share my values.

I know I’m not the only person who struggles with this idea that the way we are is not a standard expectation in society. People are not required to exist on that next level.

So how do you stop yourself from going crazy?

First, you have to remind yourself to set realistic expectations when interacting with the everyday human. You’re going to have to do this a lot throughout the day. And realize this isn’t about you. How others choose to live, is their own choice. It is not about you.

Second, you have a responsibility to be up front about your needs when it comes to your personal relationships. With a partner, friend, or family member - let them know what matters to you in a relationship. If you need them to commit more, say so. But realize that you may lose people in your life because they cannot match your efforts. Figure out what matters more, keeping them in your life or having them meet your expectations. Because they are not required to meet those expectations, it is not wrong for them not to.

Lastly - I think at work it’s worth singling out that you only need to worry about you. Not everyone is an overachiever. Stay in your lane. If it isn’t affecting your ability to do your job, it’s not your business. By nature, I want to take on more, grow, and push the limits of being the best. I have absolutely allowed the fact that others don’t do the same to frustrate me. I’ve allowed myself to get involved in things that aren’t my business. And now I’m actively removing myself from those equations. Because that’s on me.

My greatest weakness is that I do not fully comprehend not everyone is me. What I need to do is realize that my superpower is that nobody else is me.

Whatever is your biggest flaw can become your biggest asset. It’s all about how you choose to harness it. For years I let my expectations of others cripple me but now I use it to help me grow.

Have expectations, but don’t let them define your life. Expect the best but don’t be broken by the worst. Hold others to a higher standard, but don’t dictate the standards they choose for themselves.

You - and only you - are responsible for what you give and get out of life. Act accordingly.

Life is a team sport

Everything in life relates back to sports. Nothing makes me more sure of that than experiencing the overwhelming support from friends, family, colleagues - even acquaintances as I’ve been open about my life journey.

And nothing has been made more clear to me than the idea that life is a team sport. You cannot get through life without a team.

Yet in America, we are very much living under leadership that tries to show us it is every white man for himself. What has thankfully come from that is a large group of people who refuse to be anything but compassionate for others. That’s where I’m currently moving each and every day.

The older I get, the more I see our country promote hate and divisiveness, the more I want to be patient, loving, caring, and engaged in life as a teammate.

What does it mean to be a good teammate in life?

Look, I cannot teach you how to care about other people. We shouldn’t have to show you a bunch of graphs and evidence as to why you should care. There is no help for the people who do not understand caring about other human beings matters.

This is for the people who care.

Being a good teammate is leading from a place of compassion. It’s thinking about life as an ecosystem that requires diverse entities in order to survive and thrive.

It means not operating from a place of greed. It means knowing you can have it all and more, so maybe helping someone else with the more that I have would be a really great thing to do.

It’s giving support to people who might need it more than you.

It’s saying I don’t know your struggle but I support you in going through it and being brave enough to share it.

It is acknowledging that we are all different, yet all equal in our value as a human life.

For me, it’s finding more patience and less judgement for others. It’s listening to their stories, hopes, dreams, and fears and simply saying I hear you. And it’s finding a way to help whenever I have the capacity to do so. It’s admitting I am privileged and while I don’t owe anyone anything because of that, I have the opportunity to be an ally for those who do not share my privilege.

I challenge you to figure out what you can do to be a better teammate in the world and work towards that. We can’t all make it if we don’t work as a team. Life ain’t fair, that ain’t your fault, but it ain’t worth the ugliness to pretend it’s every man for himself.

Look, maybe it isn’t important to you to be a good human. Maybe you don’t think helping others is a priority. That’s between you, yourself and your maker.

All I’m saying is, being on a team works for everyone. It’s the best way to leave people and this Earth a better place.

We're Waiting

I am so proud to see women everywhere speaking up. Women are demanding equality, refusing to be complacent with abuse, and we are not backing down. But the thing is, women are always speaking up. It’s just usually for everyone else. What I’d like to see is men speaking up for the women they love and receive so much support from.

Women are the strongest human beings on the planet. We can do anything. And yet, we shouldn’t have to do everything.

I want to see men speak up. I’m waiting for men to say you shouldn’t have to do this alone.

When it comes to abortion, sexual assault, workplace equality - it takes two to tango. There are men involved and affected. Speak up.

Say my partner had an abortion and it was the best thing for me too. This girl I had a one night stand with got pregnant and she chose to have an abortion and I support her right to choose what to do with her body because SHE and ONLY she knows what is best for that body.

Tell us about a time you probably pressured someone into doing more than they intended to, and say I’m sorry, I was wrong. If you see someone groping a woman in a bar, stop it. At work, if a woman is being treated unfairly, say so. Don’t interrupt women in meetings. Ensure you have women at work and that those women have a voice.

Speak up.

And stop pretending it is scary to do so.

Nobody knows the right thing to say. ASK. Ask how you can be an ally. Ask what can I do if I see this happen and how can I best show that I am on your team and you matter.

Get involved.

Have open conversations with women around you. Listen to how they feel. Be willing to accept honest feedback regarding your own behaviors. Actively work to change any attitudes or actions that do not promote equality or safe environments for women.

Like any marginalized group, women need allies. We need brave men who are willing to be advocates for our journey. Just as POC need white people to say whoa fellow white people, we are a problem in these ways and here’s how I plan to be better - women need men to do the same.

Is it easy? Nope. But thank your privilege you have the ability to choose whether or not to speak up, we do not have that luxury. Acknowledge that privilege. And then get over it and get to work.

Do the women in your life matter? They should. They are human beings. Do the women in your world inspire you? They should, they’re changing the world. Do the future women in your life motivate you to be a better man? They should, they are our future.

Women are mothers and CEO’s and Doctors and teachers and caregivers and partners and world class athletes and friends and most importantly, human beings deserving of an equal shot at this life we are living.

Show them you not only believe that, but you’re willing to talk about it until it becomes a reality.

Open to More

I have not always been so informed. I have not always been as vocal regarding political and social issues. I admit I have said and thought ignorant things in my life. And I’ll probably misunderstand a few more.

There came a time when I would be in conversation and honestly not know enough to give an opinion. Or I would form an opinion without ever really understanding another viewpoint.

Full transparency, I didn’t get Black Lives Matter and I was opposed to kneeling for the national anthem. I didn’t get it and I was immediately offended by both of these things.

I don’t know the turning point but eventually I started having open conversations with people who thought differently than I do and I asked really honest uncomfortable questions. Thankfully I was able to speak with people who didn’t get defensive or angry, they appreciate my eagerness to see things from another perspective. And the more I learned about both of these things, the more I changed my mind.

That’s the key to what’s happening right now. Instead of focusing on learning other perspectives or listening to new views — we want to be right. We want to win. And when we lead from a place of competition, we all lose.

Quite frankly, the reason we are so “divided” is because a lot of people refuse to accept truths. I used to think it was divide of political opinion, but now I realize it’s a divide between right and wrong. Those claiming it’s a divide politically, they’re wanting to justify their hate and that’s how they do it, by pointing fingers at the group they’re oppressing.

The truth? Slavery was widely accepted. Not allowing women to vote, widely accepted. Not allowing gays rights, again almost unanimously accepted at one time. The people who fought against these ideas, they were called traitors, troublemakers even. Disruptions to the norm. But enough people got together to talk about it that soon change started to occur.

The truth about America? We were built by a group of white men who governed in favor of white men. There’s no mention of women in the Constitution at all. Certainly persons of color were not given equality. So the system we built - I hope it’s broken because it was broken from the start. America wasn’t built to protect everyone. That’s what we fight for. It’s also really important to understand the difference between when things like women being allowed to vote occurred and black women were allowed to vote. Persons of color do not have the same experiences and get afforded the same rights just because it becomes a right for white people. Same with other minorities like Native Americans and Asians.

I think a lot of people in my life have seen my transition from passive to active as annoying. And I think that’s such a privileged way to look at things. I am very privileged. Certainly I have my struggles as a woman, but I’m a white woman, so I still am afforded some luxuries women of color are not. And I feel passionately about being on the right side of it all. I care a lot about equality for myself and for the people around me. And that’s why I’ve chosen to get educated and speak up.

To this day, I’ve got a lot to learn. And while I probably won’t agree with every social/political issue in the liberal world, I do tend to lean more liberal socially. Fiscally, you might find yourself surprised to know I’m a bit more conservative. For me, each issue is its own issue. And it’s not necessarily about siding Republican or Democrat.

I’m open to more than the defined roles we’ve been given.

Now I’m also not ignorant to thinking I can vote third party and our problems will be addressed. Quite frankly, I’m voting Democrat right now as much as possible because the GOP has created such a horrific environment that we need a shake up to get back to neutral. I’m voting blue across the bord because I have to. We can’t afford to continue letting the GOP remain in charge. I am honestly disgusted with anyone who thinks differently.

The point is - be open to more than you know now. I can’t stand hearing Americans complain about illegals and politics and politicians and yet you don’t vote. And you don’t know anything about politics or social issues. There’s no excuse for that level of ignorance. If you don’t vote and are able to - you define privilege.  And its unacceptable. Your opinion is unnaceptable and you don’t get to have it if uou don’t vote.

Be open to listening to people who are nothing like you. Be open to learning and forming your own opinions based on real research. Be open to evolving. Just be open to more.

You’ll never have too much information. You’ll never be an expert on it all. You will always be able to talk to more people, learn more, and become a better citizen of the world around you.

And if people are open to change and learning, embrace them for it. Stop shaming folks who used to be in the wrong and have been brave enough to want better. I’m sick of this competition that makes you better because you “knew from the start.” It doesn’t encourage change and acceptance when you bully others who want to get there simply because they took longer. Help them so you can help America. 

If this horrible situation has taught us anything, it’s that we all might have been a bit ignorant to the real America. Like a lot ignorant. And we cannot afford to ever go back. Be open to more.