Diary of an Anxious Person Part 32

I've gotten a lot of really positive feedback around my posts discussing my journey with anxiety. I truly appreciate getting the notes letting me know you think I'm brave, you relate to how I feel, and encouraging me to keep speaking up.  As a direct result of that feedback, I've decided to start a series of blogs that delve deeper into living with anxiety.  

As a disclaimer - I'd like to make sure that those of you reading know this is just MY specific journey and the inner workings of ME.  Every person living with anxiety is unique and you should never feel badly about whatever your journey looks like.  You should also not think of anything I say as scientific fact.  Look to the experts and do what works for you.  I'm merely speaking about my personal struggles and triumphs because I think its important not to hide behind my mental illness.  I am not crazy.  There is nothing wrong with me.  And there's nothing wrong with you either.

Today - I'm talking openly about what my anxiety feels like and how it makes me engage within my own head space.

Lately I've struggled with controlling my anxious thoughts.  And its been really frustrating.  Things in my life are going really well.  I'm obsessed with my job and the people I'm working with.  I love what I'm doing, I feel challenged.  My personal life and home life are pretty much drama free as well right now.  My health has been off, but I'm working through that and confident I'll be just fine.  And yet - I'm extra anxious.

I get anxiety over silly things.  Leaving my dog at camp for an extended period of time.  Loud noises like thunder late at night.  Not being on schedule for well anything.  Things that I have zero logical reason to be anxious about have my heart racing.  And that only feeds the anxiety.  The most frustrating thing about anxiety for me is that it's not an easy on and off switch.  I know when my anxiety is making me irrational.  I know when my fears are unfounded.  It's not as easy as saying - this is ridiculous - let it go. 

I'm really self conscious about my anxiety.  And in general, I'm not a self conscious person.  About anything.  I could probably stand for a little self consciousness in areas of my life, but with my anxiety, I get really quiet.  I worry there's still that stigma.  At work I have a fear it's a weakness.  I'm constantly assuming people around me think of me as crazy or that I'm of less value.  And that doesn't feel good. 

My anxiety has me constantly overthinking, overreacting, and overstressing.  It feels like 1,000 thoughts at once.  It feels like my heart is racing and my chest is pounding.  It feels like all of my fears and worries are all poking me at once saying "but what if."  It feels exhausting.  For me, having anxiety feels like I'm not good enough, not strong enough, not worthy enough of a normalcy that I crave.  Anxiety keeps me from expressing myself well.  It keeps me from focusing well at times. 

Anxiety for me feels like an all encompassing burden.  A little monster in my head.  And one that until very recently - I never thought I could properly control. 

BS.

A big part of my growth this past year has been learning to call myself out on my own bullshit.  Getting really honest with myself without the BS has truly been the most difficult part of growing up and taking control of my own journey.

I'm really hard on myself.  There's nobody out there who judges me and pushes me more than me.  Chances are if someone has thought something negative about me, I've thought of 400 other things on top of that.  But I also have a tendency to shut out others and place blame where it doesn't belong.  What I've learned from all of this is that I am the only one responsible for my happiness and my situation.  Regardless of how anyone else treats me, whatever may happen to me - it's on me to clear the BS and move forward. 

Let's talk examples.  If you've got a friend who repeatedly shows you they're not that great of a friend - yet you keep going back expecting a different result - that's on YOU not on that friend.  Sure, they might be a jerk, but clear the BS you tell yourself about how they treat you and how you don't deserve it, and walk away.  YOU are creating the negative situation by allowing someone to treat you in a negative way. 

What about things out of your control?  Illness, injury, layoffs, crime, etc.  Certainly these things are horrifying and not your fault.  But if you wallow and choose to say "I didn't deserve this" and focus on an unfair situation, that's on you.  That's feeding yourself BS and excusing yourself from takin responsibility.  Life is often really unfair, but choosing to live in a negative space because of that - that's on you.  And its caused by you.

We all do it.  We all feed ourselves BS for one reason or another.  We say I cant workout today because we are too tired, we excuse our negative attitude because we've had a hard week at work, we spend money we don't have because "we deserve a treat."  It's kind of part of life to feed yourself the bullshit and to believe in it.  But for most of us, there's that little voice in the back of our head that says, this is bullshit and you know it.  That voice is the one I choose to listen to.

I've had the most challenging time in my life in the past year and it forced me to confront that voice.  It forced me to get really honest with myself and realize that I can't control the uncontrollable, I cant feel bad for myself because of how others choose to live their lives, I cannot get anywhere by blaming bad work situations.  I realize that none of these things are my fault - but what is my fault is choosing to let these things control my happiness. 

It's been extremely difficult to confront the control freak in me, to look at that little brat in the eye and say - not today Satan!  It's been eye opening really freaking unpleasant to face my own BS and to stop allowing it to excuse my mood or my behavior.  It's retraining my entire way of thinking and it's not easy.  But what I've learned is that it relieves a lot of stress and unnecessary emotions when I'm real with myself.  I'm already living wit anxiety so being able to take a little bit of that unnecessary stress away is huge.  When I do have successful days that are BS free, I am happier, healthier, and able to have a better quality of life. 

So how do you become Zen and perfect like me you ask?  You call yourself out.  On everything.  Don't let yourself slide on any of the bullshit you feed yourself.  Don't want to workout?  Don't blame your job or your 34 year old back injury that's fully healed, just say I don't want to workout.  Don't blame your boss for hating your job and being miserable.  Change your attitude or change your situation.  Keep it 100% with yourself.  And from doing so, you'll learn a lot about yourself and what makes you happy.  And you'll eventually learn how to live your best life. 

Ditch the BS and take a chance on being responsible for your everyday happiness.  I promise it's the hardest most miserable thing ever, but when you finally start to see results, it's a powerful feeling.