Panicked

It is obviously a very strange and stressful time in our world right now. Everywhere we turn there is more scary news about the Coronavirus. And that’s causing a panic.

We should absolutely be taking this very seriously. It is a very serious virus and has proven to shut down entire nations. But there is absolutely no reason to panic.

I obviously life with anxiety. And I’m scared too because I have a compromised immune system.

I am also a realist. And I care about myself and others. So I am choosing not to panic. I am also choosing to self quarantine. You should be doing these things as well.

If you have anxiety, this is a challenge. So let’s talk about to make it easier.

Limit Exposure

I mean this literally by social distancing but I also mean in the form of a digital detox. Stay informed with reputable and real sources (aka stop listening to the White House), but limit the amount of negative information you are exposing yourself to. Log off social media where a lot of the information available is wrong. Turn the channel if you’ve already spent time updating yourself for the day. The more you take in the content that is negative, the more you will panic. Turn it off, turn off the thing that is exacerbating your anxiety.

Stay Occupied

Distractions are everything. Been meaning to clean out your closet and donate old clothes? Is that book your friend recommended gathering dust on your bedside table? Still have that Pilates class waiting in your DVR? Do those things. Choose positive distractions during this time. Do all the things we all put off in our regular busy lives. And if it doesn’t bring you joy, don’t do it.

Create a Safe Space

You’re going to be spending a lot of time at home. Put in the work to make it a safe and comfortable space for you. Prepare with the supplies you need (prepare, NOT panic), make a cozy space, clean and organize. Do everything you need to do in order to feel joy and calm in your space. The more you feel “at home” the easier it is to actually spend well, all of your time there.

Invest in the right kind of social

No, not social media. We are social beings, we need that connection. FaceTime your family and friends. Text with them. Send cards, emails, tag the memes! Continue to remain connected in a healthy low risk way to the people that are important to you. Even the most introverted person in the world is not going to survive with no human contact.

Keep moving

My fitness game the last week has been on point. Get outside. Go for a walk (if you’re in a suburban or rural area, city kids sorry - keep your workouts at home), sit outside, get a workout class in (virtually). Mental health is connected to physical health. Don’t sit too long. Don’t sleep all day. Get moving.

Eat healthy

Again, health body, healthy mind. You can still order groceries online. Cool healthy meals. Eat healthy snacks. You’ve got time to show your Pinterest board the recipes you’ve been saving are actually going to be out to use. Sure, indulge, but eat as healthy as you can.

I know, things seem bleak right now. Things are hard. They’re straight up not fun. And for a lot of people, they are terrifying. Show up for yourself and others by doing the right thing. Stay home. Be kind. Help others where you can. We will get through this, but we have to do it together.

Perfection

Growing up my safe space has always been to aim for perfection. When I fall short of that, I dwell in a really negative space. If I make a mistake at work, I say something unkind — I am not able to let that go.

Perfection is not attainable. It is not real. It’s not even really cool.

Yet at 34, I still cannot run far from that need to be perfect.

Growing up an athlete, it is ingrained in you to be the best at everything. And if you’re not the best, you work harder until you are. I have carried that throughout my adult life. It’s exhausting.

I spend a lot of time in therapy learning to cut myself a break. Because in reality, I’m not perfect and I never will be.

Something I have started is spending time talking positively to myself, about myself. I’m supposed to work to make at least 50% of the thoughts in my head positive. That sounds easy but I’d say 90% of my thoughts are not kind.

Every time I speak negatively in my head to myself, I am challenging myself to say something positive to counter that mean thought.

Being a perfectionist with anxiety is a bit of a curse, and it truly doesn’t work. Especially given that I often don’t have a filter. Retraining you’re mind to focus on the good, well it just makes the good better. It amplifies the sparkle and makes your whole world shine.

I know I’m not alone. A lot of former athletes (and a lot of humans in general) relate to the need to be perfect. It’s all we know to strive for.

What if we changed the narrative and strived to be great as we are? If we focused on how badass we are? If we let ourselves be flawed and be thankful for that?

I challenge you to spend more time living and less time focusing on how to live perfectly. When you thrive in spaces that are uncomfortable — you might just find some of the most magical moments of your life.

I had an Epiphany

The other day, I was being very introspective and in my feels. And that led me to an epiphany.

I am at peace.

I’ve certainly got a long way to go to be completely comfortable in life and I have my very off days - but for the most part, I am simply at peace.

For a really long time (is this my favorite way to start a sentence?) I was always in turmoil. Always struggling to not let the actions and words of others affect me.

From traumas to friendships to work — I would internalize everything and allow it to completely control my inner peace.

Through therapy, and a whole lot of commitment each day, I think I’ve got an initial understanding of how to combat that.

I’ve made myself happy.

I detach from things and people who bring me great stress, I put a lot of time towards the things that make me feel whole, and I repeat over and over to myself — that is not yours to control.

I haven’t ever been a judgmental person. It’s not in my nature. BUT, I do think that when I’m unhappy with myself, I find ways to be unhappy with others. I’ll be less patient with a coworker or I’ll make a snippy comment about a friend.

Lately, that’s not been a thing. For the most part, I have more patience, less internal bitterness, and more namaste.

Because I am a very instant gratification, what’s the purpose, when do we achieve the goal type A person — I want to have tangible results on things. Even therapy. And after a year of steadily committing to it, I was thinking where has it brought me and what has it taught me.

And the biggest thing I realized is this peace. The ability to let things go as not mine to own. And to genuinely not feel on the defensive 24/7. To not constantly be waiting for what’s next and allowing my anxieties to convince me of things that simply are not true.

Everything is not perfect, but all the sparkles are falling into place. I’m not naive enough to believe everything will be sparkles and rainbows forever, but I am confident I have better tools to manage the storms. Acknowledging that I am at peace gives me the realization that I have all the tools in front of me. When things get hard, I have everything I need to get through it.

My biggest piece of advice for those of you struggling with anxiety is to find peace within yourself. Figure out what that looks like and how to achieve it. And harness it. Go back to that place whenever you can. Write down what gets you there. Create a toolbox that you can rely on when things get tough. Because they will. They always will.

I had an epiphany the other day, and it has everything to do with the faith I have in myself.

I'm sorry

Part of growing and accepting myself has revolved around not being sorry for existing. Women specifically have often been taught to exist quietly. We apologize often, beg off compliments, and often try our best to blend in.

I’ve never been able to blend in. And I never will be.

I am forever guilty of begging off compliments, sharing credit when its mine to own, and apologizing for being a really big personality.

It’s exhausting.

And the more I grow and love myself, the more people are intimidated by that. I’ve been called arrogant, too much, bossy - honestly I’ve heard it all.

When you choose to love yourself, to stop apologizing for existing, you have to accept that not everyone is so brave. They may try to break you down because they cannot do what you have done. That is not yours to own.

Start recognizing when you apologize or belittle yourself. Take the time to stop, correct the behavior, and move forward. The more you do so, the more you’ll find you stop apologizing.

I’m not saying I’ve mastered the art of this skill. I have my moments where I make myself smaller to make others comfortable. But I’m trying.

The fun part about refusing to be sorry is that the less I do it, the more confident I am. I love myself more. I get this insane sense of faith in myself and what I can do for this world.

Who are you to shrink yourself to make others comfortable? What if you could change the world but you stayed small because you weren’t able to stand up and say I won’t apologize because I have so much to give. I say it often because it seems to prove true with each day - but you have one life. One chance to get the most out of it. Would you rather simply exist or unapologetically thrive?

Thankful

Thanksgiving again? 2018 was fast and furious man. But here we are. And now I’ve got to write about what I’m thankful for. This year, as I embark on a new career journey, I am thankful for my ethics. Weird right?

Let me explain. I have really high standards when it comes to ethics. I believe in doing what’s right essentially 100% of the time. There are very few instances in which I’m willing to compromise my commitment to that.

It’s caused me quite a few issues in the workplace as well as in my personal life. And that’s been frustrating. It’s really hard for me to understand how anyone could not act ethically. I’ve lost out on good jobs, friendships, relationships – because I refuse to compromise that value.

I sort of always thought that would be my lot in life. That I was doomed to just have the uncomfortable situations where I refuse to compromise my ethics and I’m shamed for it or it causes me to lose out at work.

I was hired at my recent gig in large part because of who I am. My commitment to being authentic and highly ethical. I want to be a good human and do what’s right and finally, I’m somewhere that appreciates those things about me. Is it perfect in its own right every time? Absolutely not. And I’m willing to say they’ve got work to do. But the transparency and willingness to change is huge.

I am so thankful for it. I love these parts of me and I don’t ever want to have to compromise them for anyone. Being valued for them, feels so incredible.

I’d say to anyone out there who questions a quality about themselves, stop. Stay the path. Eventually, the thing that may be holding you back somewhere will be the thing that propels you farther than you ever thought possible.

I’m at a one of the largest most respected and sought-after companies in the world, and I haven’t compromised a damn thing to get there. I’m me and that’s enough.

Be thankful for the best parts of you that go unappreciated. Eventually, they’ll be what sets you apart in the best way. It’s not always the easiest process nor is it the quickest, but it’s worth the commitment to what matters to you. To being authentic to you and your highest values.

Along the same lines – I am thankful for the people in my life who have the same high ethics. The people who just really want to be better and do better for not just themselves, but for people they don’t even know. I see what you do each day to give back, to be kind to strangers, and to educate yourselves, and I appreciate you.

I am beyond thankful for you because you would never think to ask be to compromise my own ethics. In fact, a lot of you push me to be even better, and that’s incredible. I’m not perfect. I don’t aim to be. But I aim to be a decent human being and that’s important today.

Mostly I’m thankful for being able to appreciate these qualities in myself and others. I’ve become annoyingly introspective in a healthy way these days and it builds my confidence to know and love these things about myself. Unless you’ve lived the unhealthy criticism life, you don’t know how freeing and just plain good it feels to be able to acknowledge something awesome about yourself without qualifying it.

I know a lot of people sit around the table at Thanksgiving and talk about what they’re thankful for. I challenge you to go beyond the surface. Maybe doing it in front of everyone isn’t for you but take some time to yourself and think of what you’re most thankful for within yourself, and within the people around you. It doesn’t take long and it can provide you with a quick confidence boost (and probably mood boost) when you do. It’s the beginning of the Holiday season folks. Lots to celebrate. Lots to be thankful for. Lots to look forward to.

The Holiday season is definitely my favorite time of year (basic babes unite) because it allows me to reflect, set my intentions, and eat. Whatever, that last one is your favorite too.

What are you thankful for sequins? Let me know if you do something nontraditional during the Holidays to express gratitude. I’d love to hear about it!

My Best Me

ITS OCTOBER! October is where I'm my best me. It's the month of my birth, Championship baseball season (GO GIANTS...even when they're not in it), college football is in full swing, the air is crisp, the leaves are changing, and Halloween/Pumpkin life has arrived. The way a lot of people feel about Summer is the way I feel about October. I thrive the entire month.

Do ya'll have a time of year when you feel you're at your best? Like you can conquer the world?

This whole idea of living your best life at a certain time of year got me thinking, how do we bottle that up and use it throughout the rest of the year? It seems silly to only be your best you for part of the year. That's a lot of other time spent not being your best you, and that's a lot of time you could be doing so.

As always, I'm using me as an example for this exercise. What makes me feel my best me? I'm very affected by weather. I hate heat. I like when it's chilly and I need greenery. I need open spaces and to see blue skies. I'm also a huge sports fan. In the Fall, all the best sports are in their prime. I'm also a kid at heart, I love my Birthday and celebrating myself. It's all sparkles and smiles and being surrounded by people I love.

Ok -so let's break that down.

Weather: LOL Ashley you cannot control the weather. It cannot be Fall all year round. But you can escape to where it feels a little more Fall. When its unbearably hot where I'm currently living, I can escape to somewhere cooler. Hate Winter? Get yourself to the Caribbean for a lovely getaway. The point is, you are not a tree, move!

Sports: I freaking love the sports. I hate that brief period of time that it's not football or baseball season, its torture! But I can find other sports to get interested in. And I can reminisce on past moments that made me super happy in sports. Are you big into flowers and it's not spring? Have some flowers delivered to yourself and keep them in your home for an instant smile. Too hot for a cup of warm tea and a blanket? Turn the AC up and indulge!

Birthday: Cool, so realistically I can't change or add days for my birthday. But I can celebrate myself other days. Had an awesome day at work? Great let's get ice cream! And when I think about it, what I love most about my birthday is the people I share it with. I get more time and attention with the people I love. Why wait for a day? I can spend more time with the people I love any day! Chances are the days you like the celebrate are because of the people around you and the way they make you feel. So stop waiting for a given day, see them because they matter to you every single day.

A million things align for us to be our best selves. And we can find a million excuses for when we aren't our best selves. It's all controllable even when its uncontrollable. LOL - what does that even mean? It means when you can't control things, control how you react. Choose to say whatever bad day, let's get drinks. Ok office jerk, forget you - headphone times! Adjust the day and make it more conducive to living your best life.

It's time for the lesson. Stop waiting for the best time of the year to live your best life, to be your best you. Figure out why Summer/Fall/October/December are your favorite time of year and figure out how you can recreate those feelings the rest of the year. Being your best you for a short period of time is wasting a long period of time that you could be thriving. Don't let the rest of the year suck because you're not in prime you season. Make every moment a moment you can live your best life as your best you.

Destination Addiction

The first time I ever moved away from home was at 26. Up until that point I never lived farther than an hour flight from where I was born and raised. When I made that move, it was to grow. I wanted to get out of my comfort zone. But soon after, I moved again. And again.

It wasn't until recently that I heard of the idea of destination addiction.

Destination Addiction is a preoccupation with the idea that happiness is in the next place, the next job, and with the next partner.

Every time I was unhappy in my current situation, I left. And while I was searching for that next city or job (or quite frankly running from the current relationship), I was missing out on what was in front of me.

Truth is, happiness can be created any time. It's about your attitude and your effort. You're always going to want for more. A better job, better partner, better home - that's a constant. Very rarely do all the stars align for perfect. And when it does, it's very brief. But when you choose to focus on the joy, to put the negative in a box at the side, you allow for happiness in the present.

I think back to times I was unhappy and how I let it consume me. My only focus was to get out. Get to the next destination. And while I won't downplay the times I was truly miserable, if I had refused to allow those parts to take over my entire world, I would have made room for a lot of happiness.

I missed out on events, developing friendships, and new adventures because all I could see was what could be next. You don't get a redo on what you miss out on. I don't get to go back and attend the birthday party. I don't get a second chance with everyone I no longer have relationships with.

Having a longing for more, for better is okay. Allowing those feelings to become all consuming, are not. Being able to understand that happiness is not the next job, relationship, or destination is one of the most critical life skills you could ever learn.

Happiness is possible whenever, wherever, with whomever as long as you're open to it.

It's up to you - do you want to live 75 years chasing the next best thing or do you want to get up everyday and truly live?

I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T

We are going to do Independence day a little differently this year.  I'm all in for celebrating America, but this time, I'm celebrating the independence of the United States of ME.

It's been a year (or like 200 years) of trying to figure out how to be this badass human on my own.  To stand as me, for me, and to not apologize for that.

So this 4th of July, I'm going to celebrate all of the things that make me an independent human being. Big or small - we gonna celebrate them all!  And in keeping with my no apologies sentiment of late, I'm not going to provide an explanation for these reasons I'm celebrating. It doesn't matter, all that matters is that I value them.

I pay my own bills

I've moved to three states where I haven't known a soul

I got the dream job

I left the dream job

I broke up with the person who was wrong for me

I walked away from the amazing job offer that couldn't pay me my value

I expressed my feelings to a friend who wasn't making me feel appreciated

I committed to the hard cutoff 

I said I miss you

I traveled to Europe for two weeks

I have kept up my blog for almost two years

I learned how to schedule self care and stick with it

I got a side hustle, and made it successful

I paid off debt

I found a fitness routine that I'm in love with

I stood up against injustice 

I got educated and took steps towards preventing familial cancer

I've done a lot.  And taken a lot of steps that I'm very proud of.  I've got a lot of goals and steps towards being even more independent, but I'm proud of myself and how far I've come to better myself.

2018

Happy New Year Sequins!

I have no idea what just happened to 2017 because I swear to God I just moved to Texas 20 minutes ago, but here we are, January 1, 2018.  Holy shit.

I'm sitting here trying to reflect on 2017 and I honestly just have a lot of memories on an airplane watching Girl's Trip 32 times laughing obnoxiously while Carol from Iowa shot me dirty looks from peasant class.  STFU Carol, let me live my first class life.

2017 brought me to yet a new state.  It brought me a whole new career in a whole new industry I honestly knew nothing about.  For the first 6 months, I mostly got by on charm and pure grit.  The second 6 months I've questioned myself, my skillset, and everything about what I know.  And at the end of every day, I have reminded myself I didn't get here without earning every moment.

2017 brought me the strength to commit to my mental health.  It got me into therapy, into actually trying to tell my anxiety to step TF off, and it's challenged me to chill out.

2017 has brought me a body I'm in love with more than I have been since being 98 pounds and growing boobs.  Because of my discovery of new ways to workout that don't bring me pain, I am physically stronger, healthier, and happier.  And I'm surely not 98 pounds.  Still got those boobs though.

2017 has brought me new people.  Who knew a liberal agnostic loud crude (but really pretty) California girl could find one of her closest friends in a Christian big hearted Texan (Be cool guys - she was born in California and her family is just the bees knees). 

2017 has brought me closer to me.  It's challenged me to face things I frankly don't like thinking about and forced me to feel things I'm not fond of feeling.  Because of that - it's given me confidence in this sparkly yet out of her mind woman I've become.  It's also taught me when to face my flaws, apologize when I need to - and move TF on when I don't.

2017 I don't really know if you even happened because I swear it's still January and I just got to Texas, it was snowing and I couldn't by alcohol before Noon on Sunday.  But here we are - 2018 and I'm itching to see where it takes me.  All I know is don't miss me with that First Class ticket.

The Reason for the Season

I'm so basic when it comes to the Holiday season, I can't stand me either.  I'm a sucker for the glitz, the cheer, the food - everything.  And while I may not be religious - I'll never forget the reason for the season is gratitude.

Gratitude for a time to reset, a time to be with the ones you love, and time for appreciating the possibilities of the future.

It's pretty true the Holidays are quite Hallmark.  But this is probably the one time that I couldn't care less.

So much of life is a hustle.  It's a routine of work hard, work harder, find time for fun, sleep, and repeat.  Having an entire season dedicated to finding time to slow down and believing in magic is something we can all afford to let consume us a bit.

I am grateful for the time off, the extra time spent with my family and friends, and the extra sparkle in the world.

Whatever the reason for your season - I hope it brings you joy and I hope you have the best Holiday season - whatever that means to you!