Diary of an Anxious Person Part 32

I've gotten a lot of really positive feedback around my posts discussing my journey with anxiety. I truly appreciate getting the notes letting me know you think I'm brave, you relate to how I feel, and encouraging me to keep speaking up.  As a direct result of that feedback, I've decided to start a series of blogs that delve deeper into living with anxiety.  

As a disclaimer - I'd like to make sure that those of you reading know this is just MY specific journey and the inner workings of ME.  Every person living with anxiety is unique and you should never feel badly about whatever your journey looks like.  You should also not think of anything I say as scientific fact.  Look to the experts and do what works for you.  I'm merely speaking about my personal struggles and triumphs because I think its important not to hide behind my mental illness.  I am not crazy.  There is nothing wrong with me.  And there's nothing wrong with you either.

Today - I'm talking openly about what my anxiety feels like and how it makes me engage within my own head space.

Lately I've struggled with controlling my anxious thoughts.  And its been really frustrating.  Things in my life are going really well.  I'm obsessed with my job and the people I'm working with.  I love what I'm doing, I feel challenged.  My personal life and home life are pretty much drama free as well right now.  My health has been off, but I'm working through that and confident I'll be just fine.  And yet - I'm extra anxious.

I get anxiety over silly things.  Leaving my dog at camp for an extended period of time.  Loud noises like thunder late at night.  Not being on schedule for well anything.  Things that I have zero logical reason to be anxious about have my heart racing.  And that only feeds the anxiety.  The most frustrating thing about anxiety for me is that it's not an easy on and off switch.  I know when my anxiety is making me irrational.  I know when my fears are unfounded.  It's not as easy as saying - this is ridiculous - let it go. 

I'm really self conscious about my anxiety.  And in general, I'm not a self conscious person.  About anything.  I could probably stand for a little self consciousness in areas of my life, but with my anxiety, I get really quiet.  I worry there's still that stigma.  At work I have a fear it's a weakness.  I'm constantly assuming people around me think of me as crazy or that I'm of less value.  And that doesn't feel good. 

My anxiety has me constantly overthinking, overreacting, and overstressing.  It feels like 1,000 thoughts at once.  It feels like my heart is racing and my chest is pounding.  It feels like all of my fears and worries are all poking me at once saying "but what if."  It feels exhausting.  For me, having anxiety feels like I'm not good enough, not strong enough, not worthy enough of a normalcy that I crave.  Anxiety keeps me from expressing myself well.  It keeps me from focusing well at times. 

Anxiety for me feels like an all encompassing burden.  A little monster in my head.  And one that until very recently - I never thought I could properly control. 

Panic Room

I was diagnosed with anxiety as a teenager.  I've been on various medications, in therapy, and actively working to control what can be a debilitating condition since I can remember.  I don't like to talk about my anxiety because there is still a lot of judgment that comes with admitting I live with a mental health condition that is easily misunderstood and often brushed off as not real.

Anxiety is very real and depending on the level of severity - something that is extremely disruptive of everyday life.  Things that are no big deal to most people, create extreme stress for me.  Brief interactions create hours of dwelling on meaning for future relationships both personal and professional.  Mistakes often feel like entire life failures.  I have absolutely irrational fears that control my reactions when faced with those situations.  There are times when I can become so overwhelmed I completely breakdown and shut out everyone around me.  Causing me to miss out on momentous occasions and critical experiences I regret not being part of.  And thus the cycle repeats.

Hearing about those things - from someone who is so outgoing, positive, and sparkly - is often shocking.  But I think because of who I am - its important for the stigma that I talk about my anxiety and how I learn to live my life with something that could easily keep me from living my best life.  The important thing to understand is that despite bad days and stressful situations - I get up, I show up, and I put the work in to keep my anxiety under control.

Chances are - someone important to you has anxiety.  We are certainly not a rare breed.  We are the people who never sit still, the ones who stress about being on time, who always have a plan, and who have an answer to everything.  We don't like not being in control so we are over prepared and overthinking everything.  We don't take things at face value and we can't let it go.  We are the friend who you describe as high strung, overachieving, and probably a bit neurotic.  We know we are all of these things.  We are hyper aware we do all of these things.  We fully understand we are being extra - but its not as easy as taking a deep breath and getting over it.

The absolute worst things you can say to someone who suffers from anxiety:

• It's not a big deal
• Just breathe
• Get over it

Having anxiety is not a choice.  Simply moving past whatever is causing the anxiety is not a choice.  The only part of anxiety that is a choice is actively learning about your personal life with it and how to maximize life as someone with the disorder.  If you're reading this and you have anxiety - it is your responsibility to take an active role in managing your triggers, reactions, and preventing big episodes.  It's on you to get therapy, learn what calms you down, seek medicine - do whatever you need to do to put the effort in for a normal life.

If you're reading this as someone who loves a person with anxiety, and that person is doing their part to manage the condition, you have a responsibility to support that person too.  If that person is important to you - then make understanding their anxiety important to you.

Here's how to be supportive of your anxious person:

• Accept your person for who they are: Again, anxiety is not a choice.  Accept this and accept your person for who they are, mental health condition and all
• Talk about it: Ask questions.  Be open with your person and ask them what it feels like, what their triggers are, and how you can help ease the disorder with your reactions.  Be open about how it affects you too.  There needs to be a safe space for open communication.
• Learn about it: Do some research.  Read a book.  Google reputable sources.  Whatever it is, learn about the science and the advances and concerns about anxiety.  It's not all the same.
• Set Boundaries: Anxiety is a lot to deal with.  If there are things you can't deal with, be up front about unhealthy situations.  It's on you to support the people you choose to love, but it's not on you to deal with abusive behavior.
• Let go of the stigma: Anxiety is prevalent.  Don't treat people who suffer from something they haven't chosen like they're less than.  Keep an open mind and shut off your instinct to judge.  This goes back to learning.  The more educated you are, the less need you feel to judge.

I don't talk about my anxiety with many people.  But the people close to me know it very well.  They are my home team and I could not do this without them.  I'm hoping by sharing my experiences with you, you'll realize anxiety doesn't affect one type of person and it doesn't discriminate.  It's possible to be happy and sparkly and successful - and live with sometimes crippling anxiety.  I have a mental health condition and I don't believe that makes me any less amazing than anyone else in this world.