The Feels

I don't remember the last time I cried. In most cases, it is very easy for me to maintain an even demeanor. I can store away negative emotions for years. Because of this, it is often assumed that I am cold. Harsh. Mean. Selfish. I've been called it all.

The truth is - I feel things very deeply. I internalize most emotions for years. I am highly sensitive to how I make others feel.

I am also really terrible at processing and showing outward emotions to the universe.

The truth us, a lot of people out there process feelings differently. Whether it stem from a need to protect oneself or simply just be the way someone is, it's not easy to be the person who doesn't show a ton of emotion.

I'm an excitable human being. I'm full of energy. For me the issue is I'm unable to process and show the sad/angry/difficult feels. I shut down or I go into problem solving mode.

I always considered this part of me as a great weakness. I've tried to force myself to show emotion when it's considered appropriate to do so. But I can't.

I've brought this inability to show emotions to my therapist and what I've learned is that surprisingly, there's nothing wrong with me. I am not cold. Harsh. Mean. Selfish. And it's not my responsibility to change how I process feelings to make someone else more comfortable.

The real hard hitting truth? There's no right way to process emotions. There's no requirement for how to show emotion. And those of us who do not showcase our feelings in a way that society says they must be shown - are not broken.

And those who do show emotion loudly and frequently - are not dramatic.

Instead of trying to fit people into emotional vs not emotional boxes, try to understand how they process their feelings and why. In order to have a successful relationship (in romance, families, business, friendships) you will need to invest time in figuring out how your people tick. And when you do, validate that their way of operating is important.

For me, the best way to get into my heart, is to tell me you know I have a kind soul and I'm wonderful the way I am.

I'll never be the outwardly emotional human, but I will always be feeling the most internally.

Check in with your people who don't give you all the feels loudly, quite often we are the ones nobody asks about because it is assumed we are okay.

And stop beating yourself up because you experience and express emotions any one way. There's no rules for how to feel. All the world asks is that you do.

The Feels

The other day - my girlfriends were asking me how I feel about a guy I'm talking to (IDK what the cool kids call it these days.) And I couldn't answer the question.

I don't do feelings.  I don't remember the last time I cried.  I generally don't speak to how I feel.  But lately, I've gotten to the point where I don't even know what I'm feeling.  I've learned to ignore, shut down, and avoid feelings so much that I can't accurately gauge how I feel about a lot of things.

And that's not healthy.

A lot of people tell me I'm tough.  Strong.  But not understanding my own feelings, not allowing myself to feel all the feels - that's not strong, that's stupid.

It served as a little wake up call for me.  A big wake up call actually.  I've dealt with a lot emotionally over the past year and I've done a lot of avoiding emotions about it all.  And I've utilized distractions.  I've done everything possible to kind of give up on the situation - pretend its not there. I've let a lot of people tell me a lot about how I supposedly feel. But now I'm at a place where I'm genuinely worried about my inability to connect with how I feel.

So I'm taking action.  I don't want to continue on a path of neutral. 

Now considering I'm clearly not the best person to guide me in the feelings department - I'm asking for help.  I've made an appointment with a therapist so that I can talk to a neutral party - which heavily appeals to my sense of reason.  But I also think that its going to force me into some uncomfortable moments - and that's what I need to figure this whole thing out.

On top of seeing a therapist - I've started journaling.  I bought one of those prompt journals on Amazon with all the stars on the review and I'm actually using it to help me write down my thoughts at the end of the day. 

Sure - these are probably obvious solutions and two really basic steps to working through the feels.  But its a really big step for me.  Writing all of this out loud for the three of you who read this - it's a lot for me.  Admitting that I'm in a little bit of a scary place - is really hard for me.  Vulnerable is a bad word in my world.  It's a weakness.  But in an effort to grow, to stick to being the best version of me, and getting the most out of this awesome life I was given - I've got to be brave.  And in doing so, I hope that maybe someone out there will read this, and they'll feel brave enough to ask for help too.

Asking for help isn't shameful.  We've got the whole world backwards when it comes to mental and emotional health.  What's shameful is not getting help from the experts.  What's shameful should be settling for a life of neutrality, of less than our best.  Don't ever feel shame for recognizing you're in a time of need.  And don't wait until it's really bad. Reach out, get help, and get back to awesome.  

Guts.

My whole life my mom has told me to trust my gut.  For any situation, any experience, any major decision, listen to your gut feeling.

I'm an extremely logical organized individual.  When it comes to feelings, I'm pretty horrible at making decisions.  Because I don't often take the time to figure out how I'm truly feeling - I don't often know what I'm feeling or what my gut says in any situation.  I try to make logic of everything, gather information and to make an informed decision. 

The problem with that is feelings aren't logical.  They often don't make sense.  And when you're not emotionally informed and in tune with yourself - it's near impossible to be able to decipher their meaning.

When I accepted the last job I took, I felt a little off about it.  I don't know why but something told me that I shouldn't take it.  But on paper it was perfect.  It was a step up in title, in salary and would look incredible on my resume.  Within a few weeks of starting that job - I found out I was right, it wasn't the right fit. 

Shortly after moving to Los Angeles, I entered a new relationship.  Again, my gut told me it wasn't going to work.  He's a perfectly good person but the timing, and the mutual effort just wasn't there. But I jumped all in even though I had big hesitations.  It lasted a few months before ending. 

Recently, I've been working on feelings.  I'm trying to actually feel them, communicate them and understand what they mean.  And I've noticed the more I build my emotional intelligence - the better decisions I've been making as a whole. 

It's not easy and I still have to learn to entirely trust my gut, but I'm giving more weight to the gut feelings instead of solely relying on facts.  It's completely foreign to me and terrifying to make important decisions on faith, but its also critical to my growth and my happiness. 

As I'm embarking on my next journey, I'm taking a huge leap of faith and basing my decisions on my gut feeling.  And I've got to say - it's really empowering.  I highly encourage everyone to step outside of their comfort zone and to listen to your gut.  The mind is so very strong, but there's nothing like that feeling you get, that you can't explain, that knew all along what to do.