I guess therapy works

It took me a few years to stick with therapy regularly and do the work. Because you can go to therapy, but not actually participate in a way that makes it effective. Or you’re with the wrong therapist. A whole lot of things have to align for therapy to stick and actually make you change. Including being in a place to invest in becoming better.

I’m not great with feelings. Because of trauma and being an athlete, I am the best at turning off my emotions and getting shit done. It’s both a skill and a problem.

But eventually, I became exhausted of my own bullshit. I was tired of not getting the most out of life and always feeling ‘meh’ or worse than meh. Or not being able to control my anxiety + PTSD.

I’ve slowly evolved, grown and become better for myself and others, but not in any meaningful way until the last year. But more and more, I’m finally having those moments they tell you about. Where you handle a situation better than old you would have. I’m less frazzled in situations that used to cripple me. My priorities are different. My inner circle is tight and I’m quicker to cut out people who don’t create peace in my nervous system.

I’m still not a crier. I don’t know if that will ever change. And I still struggle with opening up when I’m struggling, but I do open up. I do say “I’m having a hard time with my mental health.” And while that may seem small, for me, that’s night and day. I speak openly about my PTSD and triggers. If I need to remove myself from a situation, I do. I don’t apologize for that, I just express my needs and follow through. I no longer suffer to avoid speaking about it.

More often than not, when I have therapy, I learn something new about why I am the way I am or how I can become a better version of myself.

Therapy works. And not the trendy therapy words or workbooks or toxic way in which folks have weaponized mental health. Therapy works in a way that fundamentally changes who you are when you’re willing to go there.

Therapy is a lot of work. It’s really hard. If you’re doing it right, it’s the hardest thing you’ll ever do. But without it, I’m not sure where I’d be. So if you’re looking for a reason to make your life better, to learn to better cope, to have better relationships - to just get more goodness out of the world we spend so little time in - go to therapy. And do it right.

Panicked

It is obviously a very strange and stressful time in our world right now. Everywhere we turn there is more scary news about the Coronavirus. And that’s causing a panic.

We should absolutely be taking this very seriously. It is a very serious virus and has proven to shut down entire nations. But there is absolutely no reason to panic.

I obviously life with anxiety. And I’m scared too because I have a compromised immune system.

I am also a realist. And I care about myself and others. So I am choosing not to panic. I am also choosing to self quarantine. You should be doing these things as well.

If you have anxiety, this is a challenge. So let’s talk about to make it easier.

Limit Exposure

I mean this literally by social distancing but I also mean in the form of a digital detox. Stay informed with reputable and real sources (aka stop listening to the White House), but limit the amount of negative information you are exposing yourself to. Log off social media where a lot of the information available is wrong. Turn the channel if you’ve already spent time updating yourself for the day. The more you take in the content that is negative, the more you will panic. Turn it off, turn off the thing that is exacerbating your anxiety.

Stay Occupied

Distractions are everything. Been meaning to clean out your closet and donate old clothes? Is that book your friend recommended gathering dust on your bedside table? Still have that Pilates class waiting in your DVR? Do those things. Choose positive distractions during this time. Do all the things we all put off in our regular busy lives. And if it doesn’t bring you joy, don’t do it.

Create a Safe Space

You’re going to be spending a lot of time at home. Put in the work to make it a safe and comfortable space for you. Prepare with the supplies you need (prepare, NOT panic), make a cozy space, clean and organize. Do everything you need to do in order to feel joy and calm in your space. The more you feel “at home” the easier it is to actually spend well, all of your time there.

Invest in the right kind of social

No, not social media. We are social beings, we need that connection. FaceTime your family and friends. Text with them. Send cards, emails, tag the memes! Continue to remain connected in a healthy low risk way to the people that are important to you. Even the most introverted person in the world is not going to survive with no human contact.

Keep moving

My fitness game the last week has been on point. Get outside. Go for a walk (if you’re in a suburban or rural area, city kids sorry - keep your workouts at home), sit outside, get a workout class in (virtually). Mental health is connected to physical health. Don’t sit too long. Don’t sleep all day. Get moving.

Eat healthy

Again, health body, healthy mind. You can still order groceries online. Cool healthy meals. Eat healthy snacks. You’ve got time to show your Pinterest board the recipes you’ve been saving are actually going to be out to use. Sure, indulge, but eat as healthy as you can.

I know, things seem bleak right now. Things are hard. They’re straight up not fun. And for a lot of people, they are terrifying. Show up for yourself and others by doing the right thing. Stay home. Be kind. Help others where you can. We will get through this, but we have to do it together.

A Case of the Sads

Anxiety has been a constant in my life as long as I can remember. As a child I was misdiagnosed with depression but thankfully, that’s not ever been something I’ve dealt with.

Recently though, I’ve had random cases of the “sads.” It’s never a long term thing, and it’s never as horrible as stories I’ve heard from others who truly suffer from it — but it’s not pleasant to go through.

I didn’t even understand it at first. The feeling of general just sad and the inability to know why. It' was an overwhelming lack of energy, not wanting to be social and a loss of appetite. For someone who doesn’t experience those things, I found it especially unsettling.

Thankfully, I have tools in place to manage my mental health in a really positive way.

I prioritized therapy, spoke up to the people around me, and I took the time I needed for self care.

I don’t have depression. So it’s a lot easier for me to sit here and say I did those three things and I pulled myself out of the darker time. However, regardless of what mental health struggles you have - you have to prioritize managing it.

It’s really easy to say that you have anxiety or depression and sit on that as a crutch in life. Sometimes people even use it to excuse really bad behavior. And that’s all it is, an excuse.

Having a mental illness is not an excuse to be a bad person.

Having a mental illness does make life a little harder day to day. Sometimes a lot harder. And I think that means that you can ask people to be patient with you, but it does not mean you can ask people to accept you if you refuse to help yourself.

Mental illness isn’t fair, and neither is life. You have to put in the work. You have to utilize the resources available to you (and I do realize I am privileged to have all the resources I do). There are resources. Some have to work harder to get to them, but they are there.

Most of all, it really starts with acknowledging what you deal with and committing yourself to putting in the work to exist day to day.

Some days I’m at my worst, and I need to step away from people and places in order to just be by myself and process. And some days I have to ask for help - something I’m very uncomfortable with. None of it is easy, but it is important.

Bottom line, it’s ok to have the sads sometimes. It’s ok to feel complete overwhelming anxiety. Never be ashamed of those things. It’s not ok to use those ailments as a crutch as you operate through life.

I'm sorry

Part of growing and accepting myself has revolved around not being sorry for existing. Women specifically have often been taught to exist quietly. We apologize often, beg off compliments, and often try our best to blend in.

I’ve never been able to blend in. And I never will be.

I am forever guilty of begging off compliments, sharing credit when its mine to own, and apologizing for being a really big personality.

It’s exhausting.

And the more I grow and love myself, the more people are intimidated by that. I’ve been called arrogant, too much, bossy - honestly I’ve heard it all.

When you choose to love yourself, to stop apologizing for existing, you have to accept that not everyone is so brave. They may try to break you down because they cannot do what you have done. That is not yours to own.

Start recognizing when you apologize or belittle yourself. Take the time to stop, correct the behavior, and move forward. The more you do so, the more you’ll find you stop apologizing.

I’m not saying I’ve mastered the art of this skill. I have my moments where I make myself smaller to make others comfortable. But I’m trying.

The fun part about refusing to be sorry is that the less I do it, the more confident I am. I love myself more. I get this insane sense of faith in myself and what I can do for this world.

Who are you to shrink yourself to make others comfortable? What if you could change the world but you stayed small because you weren’t able to stand up and say I won’t apologize because I have so much to give. I say it often because it seems to prove true with each day - but you have one life. One chance to get the most out of it. Would you rather simply exist or unapologetically thrive?

Love Me Some Me

Recently there is a movement for self love. And that’s a movement I am here for. As someone who spent years unsure of who she was and who still continues to struggle to show myself the love I so freely give others, I deeply appreciate this moment in time.

I love love. I love celebrating Valentine’s Day. I’m here for the engagement announcements, the weddings, the new relationship love - all of it is such a positive time. I’m here for celebrating love. And the love I want to celebrate most of all in life is self love.

For the 300th time, because I’ve certainly written about this before, if you do not love yourself, you will not have a successful relationship with anyone else. You may find a mate, marry them, spend the rest of your life with them - but unless you’re also deeply in love with yourself, that forever love is not at its best.

Self love is a constantly evolving process. I don’t know many people who feel rainbows and unicorns about themselves 100% of the time. I certainly have my off days and I think that’s ok. You can’t be on 100% of the time. But if most of the days you can say I love who I am, that’s a huge win.

For me, the first step in learning to love myself was to get honest with myself. I had to first drop all of the lies I told myself and I had to write down what I don’t love about who I am. For example, when I was in my 20’s and single, I would tell myself I loved that life. The truth? I wasn’t comfortable being single. I pretended to enjoy it but I was not happy without a partner, which is why I was always talking to or dating someone. Now, I’m very comfortable single because I understand that having a good relationship is what counts. Being single doesn’t make me less than like I thought it once did.

Writing down the things I dislike about myself is still to this day a really powerful thing for me. It’s saying out loud the pieces I think are awful. And then it’s understanding WHY I feel that way. Because a lot of those things are actually absurd or they’re things that others love about me. When you write these things out, they’re tangible and you’re forced to dive into perspective. I’m most often able to easily eliminate a few of those by simply working through the feelings behind the insecurity. And the rest, I take to therapy or I work on how I can adjust them to not be a daily hindrance to my self love.

Another example - I’ve been an athlete my entire life. That means a lot of my self worth is directly connected to my body. Having to train sometimes 4-5 hours a day, meant that for most of my life, I had a pretty dang bangin bod. I also am blessed to have great metabolism. But when I stopped being a competitive athlete, hit 30, didn’t always eat as healthy - my body shape changed. I’m not 130 pounds of pure muscle anymore. I’m curvy, sometimes I’d dare say I feel chubby. Body dysmorphia is something I’ve struggled with on and off since I can remember. I have to remind myself often that my body has been through a lot. And it’s given me some of the best moments of my life. And I make myself thankful for those things. I’m extra mindful when I’m not body positive and I do things that make me feel good about myself. I do fitness activities that make me feel confident. I don’t workout to punish myself, I workout because it’s something I love to do. I’ll change my diet to be a little healthier. And I cut myself a break during Holidays or vacations when I indulge more. I am patient with myself.

Something that is also really helpful for me is to write on post its things I love about myself and leave the notes around my home, car, and office where they’ll serve as reminders throughout the day. It’s silly and may not work for you, but I’m easily motivated. When I read these positive reinforcements I think to myself - HELL YEA YOU ARE! If I really need some love, I’ll ask my friends to tell me what they love most about me. Often times our friends love the quirks about us that we may even consider negative. Again, perspective helps.

I hope this Valentine’s Day you’re celebrating lots of love with the people around you that you love. I hope you see this day as a day for everyone, more specifically and most importantly - for YOU. Celebrate your love with those most important to you, but celebrate the most important relationship (the one with yourself) FIRST.

Happy hearts and love day sequins!

Tough as Nails

This one is for the introspective folks. The ones who are hard on themselves to the point of emotional abuse. The people who are constantly evaluating themselves. The folks who put themselves down in a way they’d never ever take from anyone else.

I’m type A. Like if there’s an A+, I’m that. I’m a born and bred athlete. An overachiever. A perfectionist. I’m all these things and more. And while I am such a cheerleader for everyone else - I am such a bully to myself.

I’ve got this thing I say to friends when they’re hard on themselves:

“HEY! Stop being mean to my friend!”

But as I’ve been in therapy, the more I’ve discovered, I am the exact opposite to myself. I’m seriously kind of an asshole to myself.

I call myself not good enough. I’m not smart enough. Funny enough. Wealthy enough. Thin enough. Muscular enough. Driven enough. Achieved enough.

And I’ve had enough.

I’m sure we’ve all heard this:

You are deserving of the love and respect you give to others.

And we are. But breaking a cycle of abuse is not easy. When you’re in your head abusing yourself, there’s nobody else in there to stand up for you. It’s literally you vs you. I think self abuse is the hardest to break. Most of the time, we don’t realize the extent to which we do it.

I’m not even the one who noticed how abusive I was to myself. My therapist started to take note of how I spoke about myself. How I qualified any positive attributes and highlighted negative ones. How qualities I portrayed as negative in fact were anything but.

It turns out, I don’t think that highly of myself.

And that’s kind of sad because I’m a pretty dope person. I’m kind, caring, loyal to an extreme degree, and you know what? The list goes on and on.

Women especially are bred to downplay our qualities. At work, at home, we are taught to be humble. To give credit to the group. To put ourselves second.

I’m a strong independent feminist and I am still the biggest victim of this lifestyle.

I want it to stop though. Because I am worthy of the intense amount of love and support I give to other people. I deserve to say I’m smart. I had a really good idea. I crushed that project. I’m a good person. I’m beautiful - both inside and out. And I deserve to say those things out loud with no qualifications.

I have bad days where I hate everything about me. And sometimes I have to fight myself to stop doing that. I have to distract myself. It’s a constant internal battle not to let internal Ashley be an asshole to the Ashley in the world who is pretty damn great.

I think at the end of the day, I’m type A+. I’m always going to struggle with this. And I’m grateful for that. Because the qualities that are bad, they also allow me to achieve all the great things I have. You don’t get to be a Division One athlete by being easy on yourself.

But it’s acknowledging when those things are healthy and when they’re unhealthy. It’s healthy to say Ashley, stop being lazy, get outside and get your workout in because you know fitness makes you happy. And it’s not ok to say Ashley you’re fat, you’re ugly. That’s not only wrong, its not helpful.

Start to identify the language that’s not helpful. Write it down. Tell yourself to stop. And keep practicing that. Ask your friends to stop you when you’re bashing yourself. It’s possible to train yourself to change. Eventually, you even start to believe the positive things you tell yourself.

Being tough as nails is awesome. Part of being tough is learning to say no to the bully that lives inside of you. There are enough people in the world who are going to tell you no. Who will criticize you and put you down. You cannot control those people. You can control yourself.

Be tough enough to love yourself more than you hate yourself.

Meditation Monday

Cool, so it's Friday. But Meditation Friday doesn't sound right. I brought you daily mantras last month and this month I'm expanding our hippie lifestyle to include meditation. 

I've always been a skeptic of meditation. I can't sit still longer than 5 minutes without seeing a shiny object and abandoning the stillness for more exciting adventures. 

Recently, I discovered an app called Headspace. It's free for the basic sessions and then you can subscribe to more advanced levels as you progress in your practice. 

Headspace is the first and only experience I've ever had with meditation. This is not an ad, I downloaded the app at the recommendation of a Psychologist that is heavily respected in his field. 

You start out meditating for 3 minutes. And as easy as that sounds, I've got ADHD and anxiety - getting me to focus on nothing for 3 minutes and just feeling my body in its current space - that's damn near impossible. But I challenged myself to commit to 5 days of the introductory course and I did it!

It certainly wasn't easy, but it's definitely been beneficial to me and calming my anxious thoughts before bed. For me, bedtime is where I struggle. It takes me ages to fall asleep and I don't remember the last time I've slept through the night. Taking a few minutes to clear my head before I go to sleep has helped me to have more success in my snoozing habits.

Now I have to be honest, I did fall off the Headspace meditation game for a few weeks while I was abroad. But the cool thing is, it's so easy to catch back up with whenever you are able to make the time. 

I'm a big fan of the specific categories they offer within the app as well. There's sleep, flying, school, work, EVERYTHING that keeps us stressing in the world. 

The best part - it's not a bunch of hippie nonsense that weirds me out. It's simple, straightforward, and just asks you to get in tune with yourself. 

If you're looking for some natural help with anxiety, stress, or fears, download Headpsace and give meditation a try for 5 days. If it doesn't work for you, you've really only wasted a good 15 minutes of your life, and we all know you waste way more time than that tagging friends in memes. 

Diaries of My Anxiety Part 328632

It's been quite some time since I updated you on the adventures of my anxiety.  Oddly - I don't feel like I've been living my best life and yet my anxiety has been a lot more in control than I can ever remember it being.  And here's why:

• Consistent therapy
• The right medications
• Boundaries
• Self Care

Therapy

Due to my crazy schedule, I don't always get to therapy weekly.  But I never miss more than once week.  That is my rule.  Therapy has provided me such a safe space.  It gives my very analytical mind a third party with no skin in the game to bounce my anxious thoughts off of.  My therapist is a good fit for me because I feel comfortable enough not to do anything but be myself.  I'm honest, open, and I don't justify anything.  Therapy is such a critical tool in my arsenal because it helps me to view myself and my problems in a way that I maybe had not seen before.

The Right Medications

I had never seen a psychiatrist until I moved  to Texas.  In Texas, you have to see a psychiatrist in order to be prescribed with mental health medications.  And what a difference it has made.  I've been on one form or another of antianxiety or depression medication since I was a teenager.  But I never felt quite right with what I had been on.  Seeing a psychiatrist has entirely changed that.  She understands I don't want to be controlled by medications and that I'm willing to put in a little more work to not rely on them.  If you're  taking medications to help your mental health - make sure you are educated and involved in what you're being prescribed.

Boundaries

I talk a lot about boundaries.  And I used to think I was pretty decent at setting them.  Turns out, I'm not.  I let people take advantage of me in my personal and professional lives.  Until recently.  I've almost become a bit ruthless in the way that I set boundaries now.  If I'm burnt out at work, I say no to new assignments.  I simply refuse to travel.  I am vocal about my exhaustion.  And while one day, it may bite me - it's worth it.  In my personal life, if friendships exhaust me, I pull away.  If relationships aren't providing me joy, I leave.  Certainly I have moments of weakness, but having the power within me to say no - is absolutely fueling my confidence.

Self Care

I am pretty bad at self care.  I always used to think I was practicing it but until my therapist sat down with me and showed me examples of self care - and then told me that I can create my own version of self care - I was wrong.  Self care should be practiced daily.  Not once a week, not burning out until I need an entire weekend of it.  Daily.  So that's what I do.  I take time each day to really do things that I know reset me.  Whether that be working out, watching TV, talking to friends, writing - whatever - I do it.  And I don't explain myself when I cancel other plans to put me first.

My anxiety is and always will be a constant battle.  I'm going to feel incredible for periods of time, and utterly hopeless others.  I hope that what I have to say and share when it comes to my anxiety helps inspire you to take control of whatever mental health struggle you have in life.  Because it is possible to live your best life with anxiety or depression - or whatever it is you struggle with.  It's extra work, but nothing worth it ever comes easy.

Headphones On.

As much as I've always been perceived as someone with supreme confidence, I do have moments of weakness where I worry about what other people think of me.  At work, in the family, with friends - I'll get stuck in a what do they really think of me phase and what I have started to remind myself is:

"What other people think of me, is none of my business"

Let that sink in.  We often talk about things that are nobody else's business but what about the things that are none of your business?  For the most part, what other people think of you has a whole lot more to do with them than it does you.  And regardless of who you are, chances are, someone has said something unkind about you.  At work, in our personal lives - its human nature to have opinions about other people.  Realistically, know those things aren't going to aid you in being a better you.  So make them none of your business.

In the workplace, I am a force.  I have incredibly high standards for myself and quite frankly, not everyone has the same standards for themselves.  That makes me a target for people who can't or don't want to keep up.  

On social media, I am vocal.  I have strong opinions regarding social and political issues and I'm not afraid to stand up for those opinions.  That makes me a target for people who love to argue.

In my personal life, I am a firecracker.  I'm the loudest person in the group and I'm always talking.  That makes me a target for people who aren't as spirited.  

I'm not a blend into the world type of human.  I've had a lot of people say a lot of really awful things about me in every facet of life.  Sometimes I let it get to me, but more often than not I understand that when you're someone who reuses to fade into the crowd, a lot of people are going to try and bring you down.  Let them.  That's none of your business.

"Lions don't concern themselves with the opinions of sheep."

It's the most cliché quote in the whole book when it comes to gossip - but it's something I repeat to myself as often as possible.  The real leaders, the dreamers that turn into doers, the best people - they're kind, they're focused, and they know that what other people say about them, is none of their damn business.

Remembering Yourself.

In an entire sitting on a flight to New York I read Ashley Grahams new book: A New Model.   for any woman who has ever struggled with body image - I highly recommend this book.  It's an extremely empowering novel that celebrates body diversity, body positivity, and the power of the female form.  But the part that really resonated with me was with how much I celebrate the beauty of other women, as much as I'm the first person to call out the great qualities of people around me - I am deserving of that kind of love too.

It's really important to me to celebrate the uniqueness of human beings.  I am that person in public who will tell strangers I love their outfit, their hair looks incredible, or they have a contagious smile.  I think if we all spent a little more time complimenting and lifting each other up, the world would be just a little bit softer.  But when it comes to myself, I'm kind of an asshole.

There is no negative thing anyone could say to me that I have not thought about myself.  I'm the first person to point out my flaws and I am constantly thinking about how to improve who I am. And while it's important to always be growing, it's equally important to appreciate who you are NOW. 

I recently started getting back into therapy and it's hit me like a ton of bricks that as much as I do love who I am - I am still really mean to myself.  I criticize where I'm at in my career, how hard I'm working out, nit pick at my appearance, worry about how committed I am to the people around me - etc. etc. etc.  And that is really exhausting.  And really unnecessary. 

So I'm working on looking at how kindly I treat others and figuring out how to be as kind to myself.  I'm an exceptional human being, in theory - I get that overall - I'm good people.  But learning to celebrate that every day and give myself the compliments that I give others, is absolutely necessary.  I'm out here doing my best too and my best is pretty dang good - I deserve love and celebration and compliments too.

There's a difference in self love and celebrating the self.  I truly do love who I am.  But being able to celebrate that love and confidence is critical to a healthy mentality.  So here's how I solve, because we all know I love a good list:

1. Everyday I write down something I love about me
2. T-H-E-R-A-P-Y
3. Learning to call myself and hold myself accountable when I get too judgmental of myself
4. Surrounding myself with people who are positive about themselves
5. Chill the F out

That's where we are.  Baby steps and small celebrations.  Hold me accountable and help me make this happen my sequins.  I'm kind of awesome, and I need to stop being such a jerk to myself because I certainly would never put up with anyone else treating me the way I treat me sometimes! 

#SparkleOn