She has feelings.

Ya’ll I cried for the first time in about 346 years the other night. And I did it front of two really good friends as well as in front of half of San Francisco. Nothing like really going all in right?

I had a complete and utter breakdown.

I think the excessive wine we drank helped, but I also think I hold everything in so much that it builds and like a volcano, sometimes I erupt.

And I cannot stop dwelling on it.

I’m mortified that I allowed myself to show that side of myself, in public, in front of people over a really traumatic time for me.

If you’re a regular reader, you know that I’ve really opened up a lot in the past few years. I’ve discussed traumas that have happened, I’ve been actively involved in social issues, and I’ve been committed to therapy.

It’s a lot.

I never stopped to realize just how much. And I think in wanting to be all of these things, I didn’t take time t check in with myself.

Thus, an embarrassing breakdown.

I know that the people who love me understand me for everything that I am; but a really large part of me has that fear that because I have been the rock for so long, I’m not allowed to have feelings. I get extremely self conscious about showing any emotions and worry that I won’t be valued if I grow and change into this person who has normal feelings all the time.

To be honest, I don’t have a big lesson here. I don’t have news of a breakthrough. It’s just a story of where I’m at and the realization that you can take all the steps in mental health to live your best life, and still get caught struggling.

But without showing emotions, how do the people that love you know that you love them? If you don’t open up all the parts of you to the most important people in your circle, you’re not trusting them with yourself. That doesn’t make you strong, that makes you unable to fully experience relationships.

I guess the lesson is to get back up, to keep doing what makes you feel whole, and know that the people who love you, they’ll keep doing so.

The Feels

The other day - my girlfriends were asking me how I feel about a guy I'm talking to (IDK what the cool kids call it these days.) And I couldn't answer the question.

I don't do feelings.  I don't remember the last time I cried.  I generally don't speak to how I feel.  But lately, I've gotten to the point where I don't even know what I'm feeling.  I've learned to ignore, shut down, and avoid feelings so much that I can't accurately gauge how I feel about a lot of things.

And that's not healthy.

A lot of people tell me I'm tough.  Strong.  But not understanding my own feelings, not allowing myself to feel all the feels - that's not strong, that's stupid.

It served as a little wake up call for me.  A big wake up call actually.  I've dealt with a lot emotionally over the past year and I've done a lot of avoiding emotions about it all.  And I've utilized distractions.  I've done everything possible to kind of give up on the situation - pretend its not there. I've let a lot of people tell me a lot about how I supposedly feel. But now I'm at a place where I'm genuinely worried about my inability to connect with how I feel.

So I'm taking action.  I don't want to continue on a path of neutral. 

Now considering I'm clearly not the best person to guide me in the feelings department - I'm asking for help.  I've made an appointment with a therapist so that I can talk to a neutral party - which heavily appeals to my sense of reason.  But I also think that its going to force me into some uncomfortable moments - and that's what I need to figure this whole thing out.

On top of seeing a therapist - I've started journaling.  I bought one of those prompt journals on Amazon with all the stars on the review and I'm actually using it to help me write down my thoughts at the end of the day. 

Sure - these are probably obvious solutions and two really basic steps to working through the feels.  But its a really big step for me.  Writing all of this out loud for the three of you who read this - it's a lot for me.  Admitting that I'm in a little bit of a scary place - is really hard for me.  Vulnerable is a bad word in my world.  It's a weakness.  But in an effort to grow, to stick to being the best version of me, and getting the most out of this awesome life I was given - I've got to be brave.  And in doing so, I hope that maybe someone out there will read this, and they'll feel brave enough to ask for help too.

Asking for help isn't shameful.  We've got the whole world backwards when it comes to mental and emotional health.  What's shameful is not getting help from the experts.  What's shameful should be settling for a life of neutrality, of less than our best.  Don't ever feel shame for recognizing you're in a time of need.  And don't wait until it's really bad. Reach out, get help, and get back to awesome.  

Guts.

My whole life my mom has told me to trust my gut.  For any situation, any experience, any major decision, listen to your gut feeling.

I'm an extremely logical organized individual.  When it comes to feelings, I'm pretty horrible at making decisions.  Because I don't often take the time to figure out how I'm truly feeling - I don't often know what I'm feeling or what my gut says in any situation.  I try to make logic of everything, gather information and to make an informed decision. 

The problem with that is feelings aren't logical.  They often don't make sense.  And when you're not emotionally informed and in tune with yourself - it's near impossible to be able to decipher their meaning.

When I accepted the last job I took, I felt a little off about it.  I don't know why but something told me that I shouldn't take it.  But on paper it was perfect.  It was a step up in title, in salary and would look incredible on my resume.  Within a few weeks of starting that job - I found out I was right, it wasn't the right fit. 

Shortly after moving to Los Angeles, I entered a new relationship.  Again, my gut told me it wasn't going to work.  He's a perfectly good person but the timing, and the mutual effort just wasn't there. But I jumped all in even though I had big hesitations.  It lasted a few months before ending. 

Recently, I've been working on feelings.  I'm trying to actually feel them, communicate them and understand what they mean.  And I've noticed the more I build my emotional intelligence - the better decisions I've been making as a whole. 

It's not easy and I still have to learn to entirely trust my gut, but I'm giving more weight to the gut feelings instead of solely relying on facts.  It's completely foreign to me and terrifying to make important decisions on faith, but its also critical to my growth and my happiness. 

As I'm embarking on my next journey, I'm taking a huge leap of faith and basing my decisions on my gut feeling.  And I've got to say - it's really empowering.  I highly encourage everyone to step outside of their comfort zone and to listen to your gut.  The mind is so very strong, but there's nothing like that feeling you get, that you can't explain, that knew all along what to do.