Thanks to social media, it is now easier than ever to see people looking really put together while you're just trying to get to work on time without spilling coffee on your white shirt. You know who I'm talking about - the girl who's on the beach laughing in some candid shot; hair perfectly blowing in the wind just living the dream. The people who post pictures of their Pinterest crafts and they actually turn out like the photo. I am not one of these people.
I consistently spill things on my outfit, am wearing my shirt backwards, and most certainly all candid shots of me are not attractive. Case in point - my girlfriends and I took jumping shots on the beach in Malibu a few months back. They all look adorable. My hair is whipped across my face and I look like I'm going to fall and break an ankle at any moment.
No matter how hard I try - I am simply doomed to be one of those people that you wonder how they make it through a day. So I'd like to do make a list - because God I love lists - detailing things that have actually happened to me, because being really put together is really overrated.
- I once got a concussion at work from falling out of my chair, rolling down some stairs, and hitting my head on a wall.
- The Los Angeles City Fire Department paused to laugh at me standing in the street in my underwear BEFORE running upstairs to stop the fire I set in my microwave.
- While trying to hang up a poster I staple gunned my finger to a wall.
- Went to work once wearing two different shoes.
- In Colorado it was really cold. I wore extra thick polar bear socks under my slacks at work. When I crossed my legs in a big meeting, it was extremely easy to see my non business like socks.
- In college I had to make up the timed mile for Fall training (I ran track in college) bright and early one morning. I ate yogurt about 30 minutes before I ran. I finished with a 6 minute mile - and then proceeded to throw up in front of the entire football team who was also practicing at that time.
- I've gone places with mascara only on one eye, more than once.
- I got on a flight to Houston once. I meant to go to Sacramento.
- In one day I backed into a dumpster and a pole at Trader Joe's. Literally within hours of each other.
- For an entire day I wore a work blouse inside out. Didn't realize this until I got home that evening.
- During an autograph session with an athlete I was working with, basketballs started rolling off the table - at which point I said "Come on...Your balls are everywhere!" Didn't realize anything was weird about this statement for 10 minutes.
- My first day of work at a new job my boss told me we were going to a meeting. It was cold and snowing and I said "Should I wear my clothes?" ...instead of should I bring my coat?
- I bought a fun work appropriate red lipstick that I wore ....it was on my teeth for half the day.
- When I hung up with the head coach of the team I was working for I said "ok love you bye" because I'm so used to saying it to friends and family. I didn't even realize I said it until he made a joke about it the following day.
- During an event I was updating the SVP about details of setup when I realized somehow this really expensive giant glitter sign (duh) had been glued to the floor. I screamed into the phone "GLITTER EMERGENCY" and hung up. Surprisingly he understood and had no further questions.
- Went to the gym with a hole in my yoga pants. Didn't understand why all the men were really into me that day until I got home and saw where the hole was located. Should have charged a fee.
- In high school I was convinced I could dye my hair blond myself. I have red understones. My hair was pink for two weeks because we went on vacation the following day.
Needless to say - I believe I've proven my point. I am not effortlessly put together. I am consistently in awe when I make it through the day looking like the sparkling bombshell that I am. And yet I am surprisingly incredible at what I do for a living (and proud of it). People pay me to be really put together and make flawless magic happen. And I always do.
Talk to me about your stories. Are you one of those really put together people that I'm jealous of (Dove I'm looking at you!)? Tell me your secrets. Because I'm convinced they pull you all aside and teach you special secrets when you're born and the rest of us are me.