I know it probably seems like my whole life I've been this happy, sparkly, positive Polly. I talk a lot about shiny things and glitter and rainbows. But alas, I have not always been the Sunshine that I am today. And even being the ray of sequins that I am - I have days where my sparkle dulls just a little.
Today, we talk about the type A people out there who are harder on themselves than anyone could ever be to them. The people who get caught in a cycle of negativity and quickly spiral to a really dark place. They think one negative thing about themselves and it shoots off in twelve directions with thirty two other negative thoughts and on repeat this adventure goes.
If you're one of those people who is a perfectionist, an overachiever - an I'm never good enough thinker - this post is for you. I hear you dwelling on the small mistakes, doubting your skills, over analyzing every inch of your appearance. I feel you suffering internally while you smile on the outside. And I heavily relate to the overwhelming cloud that hangs over you when you're in a downward spiral.
BUT - there's hope! There's a way out. And while I'm not an expert - I can speak from my heart and my own fight to get to a place where I am able to avoid the spiral - and I hope that if you're reading this, I can help you from a survivor's experience.
Acknowledge the Cycle
In order to be able to start healing, you need to acknowledge you're in a bad place. You have to stop hiding behind the smile and accept there's a real issue. You can't brush it off as a bad mood or a bad day - you have to say I have a lot of these, I get really negative, and this is a problem.
Commit to Change
This is all sounds very 12 step and maybe that's why that's a successful program - but the basics ring true here too. You acknowledge the problem and now you have to make the decision to actually change. You can't keep letting the cycle repeat itself. And you can't complain about it if you're not willing to make moves to make it better. So before you go further, honestly ask yourself if you're willing to put the effort in for change.
Acknowledge Your Triggers
We all have triggers. The things that we are most insecure and the most sensitive about. Figure out those triggers and write them down. Face them head on and acknowledge what they are to you. Try to understand why they're triggers. Get to the root of why they exist so that you can figure out how to combat them. My triggers are my body, success in my career, and letting people down as a friend.
Avoid Your Triggers
I know, this is exactly the opposite of what I just told you. But for me - being able to beat my triggers required me avoiding them for a period of time to allow the wounds to heal. I grew up a competitive athlete. Until I was probably 24 - my body was pretty damn awesome. But I don't workout 4 hours a day anymore nor adhere to the best diet all the time. That's caused me to be extremely critical of myself and the way my body looks. I used to be absolutely awful to my body. I hated it so much I would call myself the worst names possible. So I stopped looking in the mirror and started focusing less on what I looked like and more on how I felt. If you compare yourself to people on social media, get off social media. If you dwell on your mistakes, make yourself busy so that you don't have time to think about them. The point is - pull yourself away from whatever is pushing you into a downward spiral until you're able to be around those things and cope effectively.
Take an Active Role in Your Happiness
Replace the negativity with positivity. Make a list of 25 things that make you happy. These should be small things you can do with little effort and with no planning. Some of the things on my list are go for a run, eat some chocolate, cook a meal, go to a fitness class, call a friend, write, and snuggle with my puppy. Create a list of realistic things that can give you an instant mood booster so that when you feel yourself getting to a negative place, you have a way to stop, say I'm not going to let myself spiral, and in turn you do something that makes your heart happy. You should be doing things every single day that make you happy. And yes, THINGS, not one thing. Many things. Your day should consist of lots of happy.
Hold Yourself Accountable
Its going to be the toughest struggle. And there will be days that suck. There will be days that take you back to that negative place. Hold yourself accountable. Stop yourself when you start to go south. Do not allow yourself to fall down. Recognize that you're in your head and your triggers have showed up and tell them no. You get 5 minutes to feel negative and then you stage a come back.
Call on Your Team
We've all got our support system. Call on them for help as you commit to getting better. Friendship is about being there for each other. And you need your squad in order to get through the hardest parts of your life. Ask them to help you be accountable to this new journey. When you start to get negative, ask them to call you on it. And don't allow yourself to get upset with them when they do call you out on your unhealthy behavior. Being in a negative cycle affects the people around you, getting better makes their life better too - let them help you.
Allow Space for Your Triggers
When you've gotten to a place that you're able to experience negative things without spiraling, slowly start to incorporate back in your triggers. For me, that's been looking in the mirror more at my body. It's been facing mistakes without allowing them to define me. It's never allowing not being perfect to take away from the amazing woman that I am. For you, that may be incorporating back in social media, it may be dating again, whatever it is - being able to have them around you without breaking down is the goal. It's accepting yourself for your flaws but seeing them in a new light. It's controlling what you choose to control and then letting go of what you cannot control.
Own Yourself
The key to happiness is being able to be you, as you are, alone. It's being able to love you, as you, for you, without validation from anyone else on the planet. It's being able to exist in a world of triggers and being able to stand up and say NO. I am enough and I don't need anyone else to prove that because I know its true. Until you can live in a world where you define you, uplift you, and love you - the negative spiral will never leave you.
As always - do what works for you. Get help where you need help and don't you ever feel like there is anything wrong with you for feeling the way you feel. Life is a battle. It's a constant test. But the beauty of that test is that you've got all the tools in your arsenal to not only pass, but to thrive. Sometimes I still feel utterly stuck, and helpless, and despair. But because I've chosen to work every single day to be better and live the best life I can - I don't stay in that bad place long. At the end of the day - I've got a lot to offer this world - a hell of a lot of sparkle to give. I'm more than my triggers. And I know you are too.
#SparkleOn
