Haunting Season

My whole life has revolved around goals.  And plans.  And the idea that life is not meant to be wasted.  You must achieve, check off the boxes, and maximize success everywhere.  

Because of this, I'm constantly living in this world of feeling haunted by failure.  By a feeling of not having accomplished enough.  

I'm haunted by not hitting milestones.  I'm haunted by things I should have.  I'm haunted by the what if's.  

Obviously, if you've been reading my blog religiously, you know I've worked really hard to combat this idea of the perfect plan.  And realistically, a lot of the standard life milestones aren't even things I want for my life.  But there are those days when I feel haunted nonetheless.  

We exist at this weird time where the generation before us bought into the traditional plan but our generation is all about the nontraditional path.  

So how do you combat the haunting blues?  Honestly, I'm not sure if you should.  I think the best thing you can do is let them happen, understand the source of where they're coming from, and then move on with what makes you happy.

Great, easy enough but can you get a little more specific Ashley?  Because it's truly not that easy at 2AM on a Saturday when you're convinced you're a complete failure, a little intoxicated, and a lot of unsure how to come back from it all.  I feel you.  I've been there.  A lot.  

Something that haunts me often is my romantic status.  Growing up and well into my 20's, I was always attached to someone.  I assumed I would be married by 30 because that's the plan.  The more I realized I'd never actually been alone, the more I took a good look at the unhealthy relationships, the more I saw that I didn't in fact know what I wanted in a partner - the more I knew I needed to be completely single.

But now I'm 32.  I have moments where I think I'll never get married or I'll be SJP Sex & the City style and have my wedding at 45 - and I freak TF out.  I spiral into thinking did I miss the one for me?  Am I ever going to meet a man I can stand for longer than a week?  Am I destined to be single forever?  And down the rabbit hole we go.

Lately - I've even spent time missing someone I never even fully committed to.  Ill sit here and convince myself I should put myself out there, give it a chance, reach back out.  

But then I stop myself and I start to take charge.  I listen to the root of my fears and start to realize I'm freaking out because of feeling out of control in other aspects of my life.  That this in fact has nothing to do with my romantic situation at all.  I am looking for areas to find control in order to avoid the lack of control in the other chapter of my life.  Because realistically, I am quite content with my romantic status.

The sooner I'm able to understand the reason behind my psychotic hauntings, the sooner I'm able to get perspective and stop them altogether.  And the sooner I can go back to focusing on what I'm passionate about.

We are all haunted by this plan we (or society, or our parents, or whomever) create for ourselves.  Quite often we give ourselves unnecessary heart attacks because we think we aren't meeting these plans.  Take the time to feel the fears, diagnose where they're coming from,  and then refocus on what's important to you.  It's ok to be haunted, it's not ok to live in fear.  Failure isn't defined by milestones, it's defined by how much you allow fear to rule your life.

Ashley Silva: Published Author

For years I have been a lot of talk when it comes to my passion projects.  I focused on work and building my career and let the things that make me feel alive slip to the side.  And then - one year ago - I started my blog.  For an entire year I have posted three times a week.  365 days of committing to a passion project and it feels damn good.

10 years ago I started talking about writing a book.  I didn't know what I wanted it to be about but I knew I wanted to one day be a published author.  Well here I am - with lots of drafts, notebooks full of ideas - and books about how to publish a book.  But alas - no book.

So now - I'm committing myself to making this passion project a reality.  It may take me 6 months, it may take me 6 years - but I am going to publish a book.

And now that I'm saying it out loud, publishing it on my website (which I plan to continue keeping up with - for the fans obviously) - it makes it a must do.  It's a little scary making a public declaration because there's more pressure to follow through.  But I've dedicated myself to improving my personal life and living out all of my crazy dreams outside of my career.  And I have every intention of never going back to the life of the career tunnel vision. 

Well rounded boss babes are deeply fulfilled in their personal lives.  And publishing a book will make me feel like I can conquer the world.

So you heard it here first - I am working on a book!  I still don't know exactly what it will be about, but it will be funny and it will reflect the extra sparkle that I am.  Stay tuned because I'm going to need all of you to buy it and make me filthy rich.  Passion projects are after all supposed to fulfill my ultimate goal of retiring on a secluded island full of puppies and wine.

Thank you for all your support sequins!

What Makes You Happy Now?

I read a blog recently about a woman who went through a really hard time in her life.  She was at a standstill.  Her entire world had been shattered and it seemed impossible to go back to her everyday reality.  So she quit her job.  She packed up her life.  And she decided to travel the world.  The plan?  To keep doing what makes her happy RIGHT NOW. 

She decided to stop worrying about the burden of the future and take things one single moment at a time.  To focus on what made her happy in the moment.  And as she continued to do what made her happy, rather than worry about the incredible anxiety that comes with planning out the next forever - she slowly relaxed.  And she was actually happy.

I relate to living a life of planning, of control - of the strategy leading up to the happy ending.  But what I've missed is that there's no happy ending.  Life ends.  The journey is what is meant to be enjoyed.  You can strategize all you want - but none of us are getting out alive.  Is it really worth spending 50-60+ years working for the happy when you could just be happy now?

So here's what we're going to do - because I'm going to need a team to get me out of my head and into my heart - we are going to work on happy now.  We are going to worry just a little bit less about tomorrow and the next day and the 10 years from now.  And we are going to be realistic - because after all - I may be open to impulse - I am not open to becoming an outright hippie.  It's just not who I am.

Step One - Start Small

I've spent 31 years as a control freak.  And although I've been working to change that - it's hard to change a stubborn woman like me.  So wee start small.  If I want to take a nap instead of clean, I'm going to take the nap.  If I want a mini cupcake instead of yogurt for a snack, I'm going to eat the cupcake.  If binge watching a TV show I've missed will make me happy, catch me on the couch.  And if I want to go for a walk in the middle of my workday, I'm going to do that too.  The point - maybe you can't quit your job and travel the world right now - but you can engage in small activities that will boost your mood and elevate your happiness until you can get there.

Step Two - Decide what happy means to you

The more you listen to your heart and what makes it smile - the more you'll start to realize what makes you really happy.  Because now that you're taking a moment to get in touch with your level of happiness - you're making yourself more aware of what really does fill your soul.  Start to write that down.  Rate things based on level of enjoyment.  Become acutely aware of what happy means to you and start channeling your focus in those areas to really maximize instant happy. 

Step Three - Think Bigger

Once you become an expert in your own happiness, find a way to turn the little happiness into big happiness.  Get strategic.  Make everything happy.  Realize that when you're not happy, or doing something that doesn't bring you joy - you can check yourself and engage in a way that makes the moment happier.  Not everything is going to make us happy - but when we are more aware of what does - we are more easily able to get back to happy more quickly.  Additionally, say travel is what makes you happiest - turn those lunchtime walks to weekend trips.  And those weekend trips into week long adventures.  Turn your small moments into big ones.  Instead of buying things - walk on the beach, hike a mountain - you're mixing instant happy with saving money for long term happy. 

Life isn't about planning a happy ending, it's about making every single day happy.  We can't control what happens to us and we cannot control anyone else.  But we can be active participants in our own joy.  We can change our attitude and change our entire life with how we choose to live it.  I've always believed that happiness is a controllable.  It's a choice.  And if its what you value - you'll make it a priority.  Not tomorrow, not for the future, but NOW - and for the rest of your life. 

Really Put Together People vs. Me

Thanks to social media, it is now easier than ever to see people looking really put together while you're just trying to get to work on time without spilling coffee on your white shirt.  You know who I'm talking about - the girl who's on the beach laughing in some candid shot; hair perfectly blowing in the wind just living the dream.  The people who post pictures of their Pinterest crafts and they actually turn out like the photo.  I am not one of these people. 

I consistently spill things on my outfit, am wearing my shirt backwards, and most certainly all candid shots of me are not attractive.  Case in point - my girlfriends and I took jumping shots on the beach in Malibu a few months back.  They all look adorable.  My hair is whipped across my face and I look like I'm going to fall and break an ankle at any moment.

No matter how hard I try - I am simply doomed to be one of those people that you wonder how they make it through a day.  So I'd like to do make a list - because God I love lists - detailing things that have actually happened to me, because being really put together is really overrated. 

• I once got a concussion at work from falling out of my chair, rolling down some stairs, and hitting my head on a wall.
• The Los Angeles City Fire Department paused to laugh at me standing in the street in my underwear BEFORE running upstairs to stop the fire I set in my microwave.
• While trying to hang up a poster I staple gunned my finger to a wall.
• Went to work once wearing two different shoes.
• In Colorado it was really cold.  I wore extra thick polar bear socks under my slacks at work.  When I crossed my legs in a big meeting, it was extremely easy to see my non business like socks.
• In college I had to make up the timed mile for Fall training (I ran track in college) bright and early one morning.  I ate yogurt about 30 minutes before I ran.  I finished with a 6 minute mile - and then proceeded to throw up in front of the entire football team who was also practicing at that time.
• I've gone places with mascara only on one eye, more than once.
• I got on a flight to Houston once.  I meant to go to Sacramento. 
•  In one day I backed into a dumpster and a pole at Trader Joe's.  Literally within hours of each other. 
• For an entire day I wore a work blouse inside out.  Didn't realize this until I got home that evening.
• During an autograph session with an athlete I was working with, basketballs started rolling off the table - at which point I said "Come on...Your balls are everywhere!"  Didn't realize anything was weird about this statement for 10 minutes.  
• My first day of work at a new job my boss told me we were going to a meeting.  It was cold and snowing and I said "Should I wear my clothes?" ...instead of should I bring my coat? 
• I bought a fun work appropriate red lipstick that I wore ....it was on my teeth for half the day.
• When I hung up with the head coach of the team I was working for I said "ok love you bye" because I'm so used to saying it to friends and family.  I didn't even realize I said it until he made a joke about it the following day. 
• During an event I was updating the SVP about details of setup when I realized somehow this really expensive giant glitter sign (duh) had been glued to the floor.  I screamed into the phone "GLITTER EMERGENCY" and hung up.  Surprisingly he understood and had no further questions.  
• Went to the gym with a hole in my yoga pants. Didn't understand why all the men were really into me that day until I got home and saw where the hole was located.  Should have charged a fee.  
• In high school I was convinced I could dye my hair blond myself.  I have red understones.  My hair was pink for two weeks because we went on vacation the following day. 

Needless to say - I believe I've proven my point.   I am not effortlessly put together.  I am consistently in awe when I make it through the day looking like the sparkling bombshell that I am.  And yet I am surprisingly incredible at what I do for a living (and proud of it).  People pay me to be really put together and make flawless magic happen.  And I always do. 

Talk to me about your stories.  Are you one of those really put together people that I'm jealous of (Dove I'm looking at you!)? Tell me your secrets.  Because I'm convinced they pull you all aside and teach you special secrets when you're born and the rest of us are me.

Birthday Babe

TOMORROW IS MY BIRTHDAY!  EVERYBODY PANIC!  BUY ALL THE GIFTS!  THROW ALL THE GLITTER!

Tomorrow I'll be 31 years old!  What a journey these past 31 years have been!  Getting older is absolutely terrifying and amazing at the same time.  I spent a really long time unsure of who I was, constantly trying to be whatever perfect is, and I am so thankful that today I am finally loving the woman I have become. 

You could say I'm a late bloomer in that I took longer to choose a career path (I'm still holding out for Disney Princess), I spent years dating the wrong men (the last guy is the one who finally kicked the habit for me), and I hated my body instead of celebrating all the insane things its done for me (thank you track booty).  But here I am.  31 and I feel like my dreams are just starting to come true.