I'm not sure if you've noticed - but I'm horribly terribly most awful when it comes to dating. I don't know how to function in a world based on feelings. There is only one romantic situation in which I feel most comfortable:
Long distance.
I know - you think I'm drunk. Long distance relationships suck. But to me - they're also not very real. I can exist in a world of not ever having to truly commit myself to someone because realistically, its' not going to work anyways. I'm mitigating the emotional risk. Its strategic dating.
Before you judge me - let's remember I am in fact in therapy and yes my therapist is aware that I often leave the state rather than simply not date someone. I'm what you should can call emotionally a nightmare. They should study me - honestly I half expect my therapist to suggest this soon.
Long distance relationships give me the butterflies of the relationship, but it's forced to go at such a slow pace - from such a distance - that I don't believe it's even a thing. Hence - there's no real risk, or reason that I've got to push myself emotionally. I like that. That's just unhealthy enough to keep my therapist in business for years.
Now half of you are in long distance relationships or really into the fairytale and you're super offended right now. You're thinking that's not my relationship, mine is successful and healthy and very real. You know what? It might be. Seriously, what do I know?
But for me - it's a sick balance of what do I do with my hands and please love me. I don't even know what that means. It sounded very introspective though. Can I also clarify that I'm purely speaking to starting relationships as long distance? If you've known each other and been friends or dated before becoming long distance - that's ideal - that's extra strategic dating and I need you to let me in on that because I think that's where I'm going to find my forever.
This all sounds really cynical, and I've got a surprise for you - I'm openly cynical about the long distance game because it represents everything unhealthy about the way I date. The underlying evolution here is that long distance relationships have taught me my trigger for unhealthy dating patterns.
Pay attention - the breakthrough is coming ...
I often choose relationships that are destined to fail.
It took me 31 years to process that dating the guy who isn't nice to me, cheats on me, isn't ready to commit - he's not the guy for me. But you're 32 - I KNOW, can I finish? This past year I've spent giving my time and energies to men who are nothing like that. They're good men. They're in it for the real deal.
And that's made me suspicious AF.
I've seen all the bad ones - and I've probably been a bad person to date myself at times - so when you give me a man who shows up and is inherently kind, I'm attracted to him, and he's not in it for himself - I want to know his angle.
Fast forward to where I'm at now. I have a gentleman suitor in my world who throws me for a loop. I've known him for a long time. We've developed as friends and whatever and I'm 75% sure that while we are not in a place to be an us right now - he's 98% real about his feelings and he's not just in it for this flawless bod.
And that's a trip. We aren't dating. We are not together -
Still single ya'll, please inquire within -
- ANYWAYS -
We are absolutely in no way a thing. He's a free agent (but don't inquire within, get your own). Because of the nature of the places in life we are right now - I don't necessarily believe it can ever be a thing. And I think that helps me have a more authentic relationship with him. I absolutely say the wrong things, I self sabotage, and I'm awkward. But because I know my triggers, I'm in an extra healthy place to test new me.
Do I secretly hope it could be the real deal one day? I do. And that's how I know, as much as I try to play it cool, I'm going to be ok in love.
I'm aware of my triggers, I'm facing them, and I'm evolving. And really, in a world where we are all just looking for someone to be weird with - that's all you can hope for.