A Case of the Sads

Anxiety has been a constant in my life as long as I can remember. As a child I was misdiagnosed with depression but thankfully, that’s not ever been something I’ve dealt with.

Recently though, I’ve had random cases of the “sads.” It’s never a long term thing, and it’s never as horrible as stories I’ve heard from others who truly suffer from it — but it’s not pleasant to go through.

I didn’t even understand it at first. The feeling of general just sad and the inability to know why. It' was an overwhelming lack of energy, not wanting to be social and a loss of appetite. For someone who doesn’t experience those things, I found it especially unsettling.

Thankfully, I have tools in place to manage my mental health in a really positive way.

I prioritized therapy, spoke up to the people around me, and I took the time I needed for self care.

I don’t have depression. So it’s a lot easier for me to sit here and say I did those three things and I pulled myself out of the darker time. However, regardless of what mental health struggles you have - you have to prioritize managing it.

It’s really easy to say that you have anxiety or depression and sit on that as a crutch in life. Sometimes people even use it to excuse really bad behavior. And that’s all it is, an excuse.

Having a mental illness is not an excuse to be a bad person.

Having a mental illness does make life a little harder day to day. Sometimes a lot harder. And I think that means that you can ask people to be patient with you, but it does not mean you can ask people to accept you if you refuse to help yourself.

Mental illness isn’t fair, and neither is life. You have to put in the work. You have to utilize the resources available to you (and I do realize I am privileged to have all the resources I do). There are resources. Some have to work harder to get to them, but they are there.

Most of all, it really starts with acknowledging what you deal with and committing yourself to putting in the work to exist day to day.

Some days I’m at my worst, and I need to step away from people and places in order to just be by myself and process. And some days I have to ask for help - something I’m very uncomfortable with. None of it is easy, but it is important.

Bottom line, it’s ok to have the sads sometimes. It’s ok to feel complete overwhelming anxiety. Never be ashamed of those things. It’s not ok to use those ailments as a crutch as you operate through life.

She has feelings.

Ya’ll I cried for the first time in about 346 years the other night. And I did it front of two really good friends as well as in front of half of San Francisco. Nothing like really going all in right?

I had a complete and utter breakdown.

I think the excessive wine we drank helped, but I also think I hold everything in so much that it builds and like a volcano, sometimes I erupt.

And I cannot stop dwelling on it.

I’m mortified that I allowed myself to show that side of myself, in public, in front of people over a really traumatic time for me.

If you’re a regular reader, you know that I’ve really opened up a lot in the past few years. I’ve discussed traumas that have happened, I’ve been actively involved in social issues, and I’ve been committed to therapy.

It’s a lot.

I never stopped to realize just how much. And I think in wanting to be all of these things, I didn’t take time t check in with myself.

Thus, an embarrassing breakdown.

I know that the people who love me understand me for everything that I am; but a really large part of me has that fear that because I have been the rock for so long, I’m not allowed to have feelings. I get extremely self conscious about showing any emotions and worry that I won’t be valued if I grow and change into this person who has normal feelings all the time.

To be honest, I don’t have a big lesson here. I don’t have news of a breakthrough. It’s just a story of where I’m at and the realization that you can take all the steps in mental health to live your best life, and still get caught struggling.

But without showing emotions, how do the people that love you know that you love them? If you don’t open up all the parts of you to the most important people in your circle, you’re not trusting them with yourself. That doesn’t make you strong, that makes you unable to fully experience relationships.

I guess the lesson is to get back up, to keep doing what makes you feel whole, and know that the people who love you, they’ll keep doing so.