For like my whole life I thought your 20’s were the best years you had. I thought 18-30 were your prime years to live life at 110 mph, hanging on for dear life and just living. Minimal responsibility, hot bodies, cheap drinks, no expectations of really having your shit together.
At 34 I often wonder, is the party over?
Now given we are in a pandemic, wildfires blazing, politics just out of fucking control, this could be just a 2020 panic attack. Earths mid life crisis perhaps?
For me, my 20’s were a constant rager. I think I spent 98% of my 20’s drunk, in sequins and making questionable choices. I can think of more than one occasion where I was a fucking nightmare. The too drunk friend, the friend who you’re worried is lost in a ditch, the friend who is perhaps too good of a party girl. Don’t get me wrong, I was many times the responsible friend, the one who you know has your back and if I do say so myself — the funniest teammate we got. But at times, I was just the biggest mess. Surely some stems from insecurity, some stems from wanting to prove to myself that my traumas don’t define me, and other stems from really liking to party hard!
And yet, I’ve spent far too many hours lately thinking about why I miss my 20’s so much.
Here’s why I think that is (YAS - she loves her a list!)
Your 20’s are low pressure
When you’re 22, people have really low expectations for you. When you party too hard it’s an LOL, see you next weekend. You do that at 34 and you’re a train-wreck (I've been her too, my bad!). But it’s nice to make mistakes without people judging you as hard. So what if you threw up in the Taco Bell drive thru bag while still driving like a boss, you’re 22, so cute for you! Don’t have your dream job yet? It’s ok sweetie, you’re 24, can you even do math yet?
There’s no aging in your 20’s
I hate me too but for all of my 20’s I basically looked 25 max. I often still get mistaken for late 20’s. Good skin, good genes, honestly I don’t deserve it. I wrecked my body in her 20’s and she still never aged. I miss late nights, not having a skincare routine, eating too much and still looking like a godt damn bombshell. Now I have bread and I can’t wear jeans for a week. Don’t do all 60832 steps of my skincare routine? My entire face is red, broken out and growing thorns. Give me 24 year old Ashley’s skin and body again please. She didn’t appreciate her then.
Love is for the future
I have commitment fears. A lot of people have let me down in life and the only consistent has been that I always got me. I loved being in my 20’s because nobody expected me to settle in and get married. There was no “she’s single, what’s wrong with her?” “she’s got a whole roster of men she’s stringing along, she’s so cute what a babe” Now at 34 people are like - is she a lesbian? I’ve always always had a nice little group of men on a roster. From serious relationships to men on the bench, I’d never experienced life without having male attention until I turned 30. Whatever I know, what a hard life bitch. Thing is, women in our 30’s who are single, everyone assumes you’e unhappy. And they also like to tell you how great a mom you would be. Thanks Karen, I’d probably be a good prostitute too but you don’t have to do everything you’re good at do you?
Your 20’s are a joke
Your 20’s are truly just here for a good time. There are responsibilities of course and as you get up into your late 20’s you should probably gather your shit and be responsible but for the most part you are expected to have a good time. Like you get out there, you have fun, you make weird questionable choices. When you get to your 30’s everything is all bills, my back hurts and is my 401k ok?
All that said - I sort of came to the conclusion that for the most part I just miss irresponsible fun. Other than that in my 20’s I was insecure, poor, and in general kept people at arms distance. I had the best time ever, but when I dissect some of the things I miss, I realize my 20’s were dope but my 30’s are for thriving. Here’s why:
Stability
Did you guys know it’s possible not to live paycheck to paycheck? What a wild ass concept. I worked in nonprofit or sports and my salaries were questionable at best. Someone should have called someone about that. In my 30’s, I do really well. I don’t worry about my bills, buying groceries and I can afford to jet abroad for two weeks if I feel like it. I also know what I want to do in my career and I have the resume to actually go out and get it. Things are stable. They’re attainable and they’re secure and that not wanting to fill my prescriptions because I couldn’t afford it, going without meals because I needed to save - that isn’t a thing anymore.
I like me
I really like me. Genuinely. I think my shit smells like rainbows unicorns and those expensive sugary drinks they serve you at all inclusive resorts. Some days I think I’m fat and look old, but most days I look in the mirror and I think, what a damn queen! I did not feel that way in my 20’s, ever. And not many people realize that. But at 34, when shit is not going to be looking up or getting better, and my aversion to plastic surgery and injections is still thriving - I’m still into what I’ve got and where I’m going. I’m proud of where I’m at in my career, I am confident in what I bring to the table as a friend and partner, and I know I can handle anything. I’m pretty dope.
Relationships are better
I am learning to process my traumas and trust in the people around me. That includes opening up about who I am and what I’ve gone through in life and asking for the respect I deserve. It means letting down my guard of being the fun/funny party girl and showing that I have feelings, thoughts and ideas that matter and might not always be shiny and easy to talk about. The relationships I have romantically and with friends are more developed and authentic and I don’t feel the strain of keeping people in my life that I don’t enjoy spending time with. I value my energy, I know that it is a privilege to know me and I and demanding the same from my circle. I truly feel connected, valued and supported by the people I allow into my life. I don’t feel like I have to be everything to everyone anymore. And while this is a constant battle for me, one that I often lose, I have come so far, and I know that I will only continue to be better in this space — for others and for myself.
I really like my 30’s. I assume I’ll panic at 35 because society has taught me that’s what you do, but I know that I’ll quickly go back to feeling excited, grateful and happy for this stage in my life. I’m not quite ready to say 40 is an area I’m openly embracing because I’m not an animal, but I am ready to say bring it 35, I’m ready to thrive.
Maybe I have a little bit of Peter Pan syndrome and will always miss being 20 and a wild child. It’s a comfortable place for me to hide when I’m working on growing into a real live adult. I think that shows up when I do revert back and make some questionable choices, have too much wine and dance on tables. And quite honestly, I think those nights are ok once in a long while. For the most part though, life is good in my 30’s. I think the party looks different but it’s far from over. The party still has drinks, sequins and laughter (and I’m probably being too loud) but now I’m in better labels and drinking better wines. And that doesn’t sound too bad. Cheers!
