New Year, Happy Me

2022 Recap: Fucking crushed it.

This last year, I have worked really hard to be my best self. Therapy, medication, using my voice, setting boundaries — ya girl been doing the most.

And it was a year I absoltuely crushed.

Sure, I spent 6 months unemployed, but I did so in style. I traveled, I spent time with the people who give me joy, and I decided to only do things that make me happy.

I started setting actual boundaries for the first time. Saying no, end of sentence. And I cut loose the folks that didn’t accept these boundaries.

I spoke up. Opened up about trauma and got vulnerable while fighting for better. I shared more with friends about my life and why I am the way I am. I kicked out friends who didn’t make me feel good.

And I waited for the right role for what I need right now.

2022 was dope. Sure, there were some hard times - a lot of them. My health hasn’t been great. Dating was a bit …interesting? Money was not as flush as I’d planned.

But when I think of this year, I smile.

So 2023? More of the same. I’m going to prioritize me, put more work in to be my healthiest mentally and hopefully figure out all this gestures wildly health stuff.

I’m going to travel more, smile more, be vulnerable more and put me first (and dog, obvi).

New Year doesn’t mean new me, it means focusing on me, period. It means just continuing the work and continuing the strive for better.

I don’t set NYE goals, I don’t do resolutions - I work everyday to get better. Regardless of the date.

For me, that’s winning.

What does the new year look like for you?

Character Development

Growing up I developed a need to be a people pleaser. I worked hard not for myself, but because I felt it was the character I was supposed to play.

Top athlete. Good student. Beauty queen. I had to be the best at everything. I never considered if these things were important to me, I only cared that I succeeded at them and they made people approve of me.

That worked for me for a really long time. I was successful and had the approval of those around me.

But now that I’m in my late 30’s, those things aren’t what makes me happy. I don’t feel my value is based upon my bofy, beauty or what I achieve at work. They’re great things to have, but they don’t make me feel valueable.

They also haven’t been what makes me happy.

I value being a good person, laughet, good peoplel travel, feeling safe and supported and healthy. That’s it.

I will always work hard, I will always value being conventionally beautiful (hello, women of the world) and yea, it feels good to be a boss at work - but those things don’t equal automatic joy.

I’ve spent a lot of time in therapy talking about not feeling good enough, successful enough, attractive enough - but the common theme is that I don’t know what any of that means for me. I only know what those things mean from the standpoint of people who showed me the values of those things. My view on what equals success or where those things fit in my value set never came into account.

So that’s what I’m trying to learn. What matters to me, who I am indepedent of what others think I should be and how I want to develop moving forward.

I had always thought of myself as fiercely indepedenent and vocal - and I am - but I am also quick to pull myself back into line to meet the expectations of others. I have genuinely valued being liked over being true to myself.

That’s a hard pill to swallow.

So at 37, I’m not entirely sure all of who I am. I am working hard weekly to figure it out. And while I have a lot of work to do, I’ve also done a lot of work.

I like this me. I like the version of me that doesn’t need to be the best. I like the version of me who steps away from people who gaslight me into feeling bad about being who I really am. I love the version of me who speaks up unapolagetically about the things that matter and sits with being called loud, bossy, bitchy and difficult. Who doesn’t backtrack and smooth the road. I love the me that demands better of myself and others. I love the me that I’m evolving into.

I know I’ll have setbacks, but for the very first time I genuinely feel like I’m not just saying I have grown, I truly am growing and learning to be the real me that’s authentic and flawed and quick to sit in a situation and figure out what I feel rather than what I should feel.

I hope if you’re struggling, you keep doing the work. Whether you’re 22, 32, 62 - there’s alwaus time to figure out who you are and prioritize your own joy. To succeed on your own terms. To find pride in your own existence because you’re true to your values and joy.

Playing a character is exhausting and note remotely fullfilling. Your authentic self is who you owe to the world. If not everyone likes that person — good — it means you’re doing something rignt. Keep going.

New Year, Same Sparkle

It’s that time of year! New Year, same sparkle! That’s right, it’s the time we celebrate all that’s happened in 2021 and look forward to the fresh year that is 2022.

If you’re looking for resolutions and declarations of change, this is not the blog for you. I don’t believe in New Year’s resolutions.

2021 gets 4/5 stars. Which is really weird to think about because I had so much struggle with my mental and physical health. But I also moved back to Colorado, where I’ve wanted to come back to for almost 10 years and I bought my first home, something I never thought I’d achieve.

It’s been one of those years that makes no sense. A giant roller coaster of “life is amazing” immediately followed by “WTF is happening.”

I’ve continued the journey of being more open about my mental health, growing into a better version than I was the day before, and investing my time and energy into the things that bring me joy.

I’ve been really committed to the simplicity that can be found in asking “does this make me happy.” If it doesn’t, if a person doesn’t, I release it. If it does, I invest more time in it.

I’ve had a major shift in my career goals. I’m uninterested in leveling up in title or responsibility and instead deeply value showing up somewhere that is healthy and that challenges me but respects my personal time. I want to do big things at home just as much as I do at work. I finally get it.

The theme of the year has honestly been simply to experience the most joy I possibly can. And when I can’t, to be kind, patient and empathetic to myself until I can experience joy.

I have been more selfish. And I love that.

I have changed so much in the last year and I’m so excited about where I am going.

In 2022, I want more of 2021. Maybe less surprise negatives, but certainly more of the growth, joy and adventure.

I want to travel more (pending covid), write more, connect more, share more and be overall MORE. I want to catch more sunsets, log more miles up new mountains, hug more of my loved ones, laugh every single day and chase all the dreams I now realize are beyond possible.

I hope that 2022 brings me a new year filled with all the same sparkles that make me the person I am. And I hope that you get lots of the same.

Cheers!

Love Thyself

Valentine’s Day is upon us and although I really don’t talk much about my relationship status, I do love to talk about my love for myself! So this Valentine’s Day I want to celebrate loving yourself!

The greatest relationship you will ever have is the one with yourself — celebrate that and get yourself a gift this Valentine’s Day! Whether you can afford an actual gift or just a night in to yourself, here are some amazing ways to love thyself for every budget!

Spa Day

Spend: Book a whole day at a spa! Schedule a massage, facial, the works! While you’rethere, make use of the sauna and any meditation or yoga classes offered! High end spas have some very safe protocols in place!

Save: Create a spa at home! Light a candle,turn on some music, take a bubble bath and do a face mask! While you’re at it, paint those nails and exfoliate that skin!

Decadent Meal

Spend: Make a reservation at a restaurant you’ve always wanted to splurge on, and go ahead and order dessert (outdoors only please!).

Save: Either order in some takeout from a local restaurant (bonus points for supporting local!) or cook a meal at home. There’s plenty of good wine for under $15 to enjoy while you dine!

Shopping Spree

Spend: Had your eye on that gorgeous coat? BUY IT! Wanted those expensive boots but couldn’t justify the cost? Time to hit purchase! Get yourself something you’ve really wanted, you deserve it!

Save: Hit up a local thrift store! The thrill of the hunt is so much fun and bonus points, it’s great for the environment!

Fitness Fun

Spend: Pay for a private lesson to the studio you fell in love with. It’s a great way to take your workout to the next level and get some 1:1 adjustments to make future workouts better!

Save: Take an online class or get outside and enjoy a hike in nature. There are so many ways to enjoy classes without paying the private price tag. You could also sign up for the first class free pass at that fancy studio around the corner!

Flower Delivery

Spend: Call up the local florist and treat yourself to a monthly delivery. Setup 6 months of a monthly boquet to have something pretty to look forward to.

Save: Hit up Trader Joes and spend $20 on florals. Take them home and watch a YouTube video on floral arrangements! Better yet, if you’ve got a Farmer’s Market nearby, buy local!

Whatever your budget, whatever your relationship status, there’s a self love celebration to be had. Valentine’s Day is a beautifully cheesy day to show love for the number one person in your life - YOU!

Full Circle

Until the age of 26, I spent my entire life in California. I left California for Colorado without knowing a soul. That life changing decision sent me on a journey that would take me to three other states and back to California a couple times. It also empowered me to grow and develop into the confident and independent woman I am today.

I also fell in love with Colorado.

Ever since I left, I have wanted to come back. The mountains, the snow, the sunshine, the sports, the food — Colorado has it all. It’s also affordable. The pace of life is a little slower. And the people are really open and kind to each other. Denver specifically has been my happy place for 5+ years now.

2020 has been a tough journey. I know that I’ve said that about a few years in my life and I know that 2020 has been a tough journey for a lot of people. I didn’t talk a lot about my own struggles because compared to so many, I am beyond lucky.

2020 also brought me everything I’ve been talking about and dreaming of for years. And it feels surreal. I haven’t shared much with those outside of my close circle. It feels unnecessaery to flaunt when so many are suffering. (I am also really enjoying keeping more things to myself these days — to celebrate with the people who are really part of my journey but more of that to come in another blog…).

I am also so proud of myself. I have continued to work hard, be a good human, and manifest good for myself and others.

I am most importantly beyond grateful. I feel so lucky that after the year 2020 has given us, I ended it with complete joy.

All of this to say — I hope you are brave enough to make big decisions and to do things that scare you. I hope you accept the good things that come your way. I hope you don’t give up when things are hard. I hope you continue to work hard and be humble. I hope you continue to be kind. I hope you believe in yourself.

Hard times will come again. Nothing is perfect. But the more I live — the more I believe in the full circle. That the highs and lows rotate, but the better human you are, the harder you work — the higher those highs can be.

For now, I am going to be grateful, I am going to be proud and I am going to enjoy the gitft I have been given. I’m going to soak every last moment in.

See you soon Colorado — things are about to get a whole lot sparklier!

Shine Bright. Be Bold.

I have lived by the motto “Shine Bright. Be Bold.” for a really long time. In fact, ir’s the tagline on the front page of this blog. But what does that mean to me?

Shine bright means owning who you are unapolagetically. It means allowing your soul to guide you in everything you do. To shine bright means to exist in the world in a way that is authentically letting the YOU be your guiding light. For me, that means owning that I am loud, happy, fun, and sparkle obsessed. I am a lot and not everyone will love me, but I’m going to shine bright anyways.

Be bold means to take risks. To push yourself. To ask more of yourself and those around you. It means to dare to get the most out of the short time we have on this Earth. To me, being bold means to be scared and do it anyways.

Whenever I make decisions in life, I check in with how each choice meets the expectations of my motto. Leave home for a brand new state? That’s bold. Refuse to accept being told I’m too much? That’s shining really bright.

A motto helps me feel like I’ve got a true North. It helps me to get through life with my values in tact. It’s also completely something my type A, former athlete, control freak self thrives on.

At a time when a lot of folks are looking to create resolutions and life changes — may I suggest a life motto? Something that represents your values and your desires in life.

A motto is an incredible way to hold yourself accountable for the foreseeble future. And the great thing about it - it can evolve as you evolve!

The best part about a motto? It reminds me of being on a team. The very best team — my own! Shine Bright, Be Bold is my anthem. It keeps me focused on #1, ME!

Get you a motto and next level your life!

Sparkle Season

I fucking love Christmas. I love the whole holiday season. The glitz the glam the cozy vibes. I am Hallmark’s target audience and I have no shame in my holiday game. One of my favorite parts of the whole thing is the decor. The shiny things, the lights, it’s all magic and brings a smile to my face.

To me, the holidays mean celebration. It’s a time to celebrate the year leading up to this time and the people who have made it what it is.

In 2020, it can feel hard to celebrate. There has been devastating loss of life and complete destruction. Our country has been pulled by hate, corruption and complete letdown by the government that is supposed to protect us.

I sit here from a place of complete privlege. I am healthy. My family has stayed relatively healthy (multiple family members have beat covid). I have a job, a really good one. While I have faced great mental health challenges, I have also thrived. I am luckier than a lot of people right now. For that I am grateful.

I have been lucky enough to give back. For that I am grateful.

I have a comfortable, safe home to stay home in. For that I am grateful.

There is food on my table, clothes on my back, and money in my bank account. For that I am grateful.

2020 has not been the year I wanted. I’ve missed out on trips, time with loved ones, and it has been isolating at times. But I cannot help but feel grateful.

By no means do I want to belittle any struggles of anyone, myself included. Yet it a year of complete devastation for so many, I am grateful.

I have had the time and resources to get involved in the fight for social justice. I text banked during the election. I gave to shelters and food banks.

2020 has been a year that has humbled me. It has allowed me perspective and focuse on the people and the things that truly matter. It has built an exorbant amount of empathy in my heart for the people that were not born with my privielge.

The Holiday Season for me in 2020 is a gift. It’s the sparkles and the sequins but it’s the gratitude for me. I may not feel the usual celebratory glow that I used to this time of year, but I feel so much gratitude.

2020 changes so many of us. I hope those changes last us a lifetime.

The Guilt is Heavy

I am exhausted. I am anxious. My insomnia has been completely unmanageable. I’ve really struggled the past month and I feel guilty for that.

I’m one of the lucky ones. Gainfully employed. Incredible benefits. I’m generally healthy. I have a great support system. A safe home. I have every basic need and more during this time.

So I truly struggle with the idea that I can struggle during this time.

I know that’s unrealistic. Comparing traumas or hardships or feelings is not healthy and it isn’t helpful to downplay my own issues.

I think there’s a balance.

It’s ok to struggle but have an understanding that it could be worse. There’s no need to downplay your feelings or needs but there is something to be said for being grateful for what you do have.

I’m not talking toxic positivity. I’m talking perspective.

If 2020 has taught me anything its that I don’t need a whole lot of the things I thought I did. I want a lot of things but don’t truly need them.

So while my anxiety and stress and the things I’m going through this year are very real and very valid, I can take solace in the fact that my life is pretty damn good.

It’s a weird year. And it doesn’t end just because the clock strikes 12 on December 31st.

Give yourself grace to struggle and persevere. Give yourself time to just sit in whatever moment you need to. And without engaging in toxic positivity, gain a little perspective and know that being grateful helps any situation.

Is the party over?

For like my whole life I thought your 20’s were the best years you had. I thought 18-30 were your prime years to live life at 110 mph, hanging on for dear life and just living. Minimal responsibility, hot bodies, cheap drinks, no expectations of really having your shit together.

At 34 I often wonder, is the party over?

Now given we are in a pandemic, wildfires blazing, politics just out of fucking control, this could be just a 2020 panic attack. Earths mid life crisis perhaps?

For me, my 20’s were a constant rager. I think I spent 98% of my 20’s drunk, in sequins and making questionable choices. I can think of more than one occasion where I was a fucking nightmare. The too drunk friend, the friend who you’re worried is lost in a ditch, the friend who is perhaps too good of a party girl. Don’t get me wrong, I was many times the responsible friend, the one who you know has your back and if I do say so myself — the funniest teammate we got. But at times, I was just the biggest mess. Surely some stems from insecurity, some stems from wanting to prove to myself that my traumas don’t define me, and other stems from really liking to party hard!

And yet, I’ve spent far too many hours lately thinking about why I miss my 20’s so much.

Here’s why I think that is (YAS - she loves her a list!)

1. Your 20’s are low pressure

   When you’re 22, people have really low expectations for you. When you party too hard it’s an LOL, see you next weekend. You do that at 34 and you’re a train-wreck (I've been her too, my bad!). But it’s nice to make mistakes without people judging you as hard. So what if you threw up in the Taco Bell drive thru bag while still driving like a boss, you’re 22, so cute for you! Don’t have your dream job yet? It’s ok sweetie, you’re 24, can you even do math yet?

2. There’s no aging in your 20’s

   I hate me too but for all of my 20’s I basically looked 25 max. I often still get mistaken for late 20’s. Good skin, good genes, honestly I don’t deserve it. I wrecked my body in her 20’s and she still never aged. I miss late nights, not having a skincare routine, eating too much and still looking like a godt damn bombshell. Now I have bread and I can’t wear jeans for a week. Don’t do all 60832 steps of my skincare routine? My entire face is red, broken out and growing thorns. Give me 24 year old Ashley’s skin and body again please. She didn’t appreciate her then.

3. Love is for the future

   I have commitment fears. A lot of people have let me down in life and the only consistent has been that I always got me. I loved being in my 20’s because nobody expected me to settle in and get married. There was no “she’s single, what’s wrong with her?” “she’s got a whole roster of men she’s stringing along, she’s so cute what a babe” Now at 34 people are like - is she a lesbian? I’ve always always had a nice little group of men on a roster. From serious relationships to men on the bench, I’d never experienced life without having male attention until I turned 30. Whatever I know, what a hard life bitch. Thing is, women in our 30’s who are single, everyone assumes you’e unhappy. And they also like to tell you how great a mom you would be. Thanks Karen, I’d probably be a good prostitute too but you don’t have to do everything you’re good at do you?

4. Your 20’s are a joke

   Your 20’s are truly just here for a good time. There are responsibilities of course and as you get up into your late 20’s you should probably gather your shit and be responsible but for the most part you are expected to have a good time. Like you get out there, you have fun, you make weird questionable choices. When you get to your 30’s everything is all bills, my back hurts and is my 401k ok?

All that said - I sort of came to the conclusion that for the most part I just miss irresponsible fun. Other than that in my 20’s I was insecure, poor, and in general kept people at arms distance. I had the best time ever, but when I dissect some of the things I miss, I realize my 20’s were dope but my 30’s are for thriving. Here’s why:

1. Stability

   Did you guys know it’s possible not to live paycheck to paycheck? What a wild ass concept. I worked in nonprofit or sports and my salaries were questionable at best. Someone should have called someone about that. In my 30’s, I do really well. I don’t worry about my bills, buying groceries and I can afford to jet abroad for two weeks if I feel like it. I also know what I want to do in my career and I have the resume to actually go out and get it. Things are stable. They’re attainable and they’re secure and that not wanting to fill my prescriptions because I couldn’t afford it, going without meals because I needed to save - that isn’t a thing anymore.

2. I like me

   I really like me. Genuinely. I think my shit smells like rainbows unicorns and those expensive sugary drinks they serve you at all inclusive resorts. Some days I think I’m fat and look old, but most days I look in the mirror and I think, what a damn queen! I did not feel that way in my 20’s, ever. And not many people realize that. But at 34, when shit is not going to be looking up or getting better, and my aversion to plastic surgery and injections is still thriving - I’m still into what I’ve got and where I’m going. I’m proud of where I’m at in my career, I am confident in what I bring to the table as a friend and partner, and I know I can handle anything. I’m pretty dope.

3. Relationships are better

   I am learning to process my traumas and trust in the people around me. That includes opening up about who I am and what I’ve gone through in life and asking for the respect I deserve. It means letting down my guard of being the fun/funny party girl and showing that I have feelings, thoughts and ideas that matter and might not always be shiny and easy to talk about. The relationships I have romantically and with friends are more developed and authentic and I don’t feel the strain of keeping people in my life that I don’t enjoy spending time with. I value my energy, I know that it is a privilege to know me and I and demanding the same from my circle. I truly feel connected, valued and supported by the people I allow into my life. I don’t feel like I have to be everything to everyone anymore. And while this is a constant battle for me, one that I often lose, I have come so far, and I know that I will only continue to be better in this space — for others and for myself.

I really like my 30’s. I assume I’ll panic at 35 because society has taught me that’s what you do, but I know that I’ll quickly go back to feeling excited, grateful and happy for this stage in my life. I’m not quite ready to say 40 is an area I’m openly embracing because I’m not an animal, but I am ready to say bring it 35, I’m ready to thrive.

Maybe I have a little bit of Peter Pan syndrome and will always miss being 20 and a wild child. It’s a comfortable place for me to hide when I’m working on growing into a real live adult. I think that shows up when I do revert back and make some questionable choices, have too much wine and dance on tables. And quite honestly, I think those nights are ok once in a long while. For the most part though, life is good in my 30’s. I think the party looks different but it’s far from over. The party still has drinks, sequins and laughter (and I’m probably being too loud) but now I’m in better labels and drinking better wines. And that doesn’t sound too bad. Cheers!

Milestones

I wanted to elaborate on milestones. As I mentioned last week, I’ve spent the last five yeas really reevaluating what life expectations actually align with what I want out of my time here.

Society does a lot to remind us that life is supposed to be an organized list of accomplishments.

You are born, you go to school, you get a job, you get married, you buy a house, you have some kids, you retire, you die. That’s the list and everything is required in a certain time frame or your society fairy will fine you and report you to the police. And then you will go to prison and die. These are the rules.

So like a lot of us who grew up with parents who did these things, I had these expectations for myself.

And then when I didn’t check these boxes in the time frame society told me to, I started to panic.

My society fairy would show up at 24 and tell me hey babe your friends from college are actually making 6 figures in the city and you’re making $32K and can’t afford top ramen most days.

At 26 she tapped me on the shoulder and said hey gorg, know that you’ve got a whole roster of men folk (love that for you) but you should have picked and married one by now. Meanwhile it’s Sunday at 9am and you’re grabbing your shoes from this guys floor and your cousin is picking you up because you left your car at the bar (we didn’t have uber then you little Gen z babies, the walk of shame was a true experience).

At 30 the bitch straight up called and said ok we have a problem. You’e 30, unmarried, not a millionaire and everyone else is on a private jet to Mykonos but you’re drunk at the Grand Canyon.

And now in a few months, at 35, my society fairy is going to bring a committee of society fairies to stage an intervention. 35 and gasp unmarried? NO children? You’re not a homeowner counting your big fat 401k from your Tesla SUV? HOW DARE YOU! The audacity.

But alas my friends, it is true. I’m going to be all of these things and more.

And I’d like to say to my society fairy and her panel of drag judges — we love it here.

Society has told me to do all the things and I truly thought I wanted and needed those things to live a complete and happy life. Without them surely I would be a failure and miserable human being. A curse upon my soul. A pox upon my overpriced apartment.

I’d like to let you in on a little secret — I’m neither of those things.

I am thriving. Some days sure, I don’t wash my hair, I wear dirty clothes, I spend all day eating cheese an chocolate and I don’t speak to other humans.

I like those parts of my life.

I like the life I have built and the experience I’m having here on Earth.

I am open to marriage most days, consider having kids about 1 day a month, and I do plan to buy a house soon. Maybe 2.

I also think that if you know me, the me that is authentically myself, it makes perfect sense to you that my wild spirit would never follow the rules of society. She’s too stubborn for that.

It makes no sense to me to think I would have been married in my 20’s when I was having the time of my life while simultaneously trying to be everything to everyone except myself.

It is unimaginable that I would trade the bucket list experiences I had in sports for a high powered city job and six figures.

When my society fairy taps me on the back these days, I tell her calm down babe, I’ll get to it. Or I won’t, I haven’t decided yet. But text me later k?

The whole point is that I am now in control. Or out of control? And I am more easily able to sit in uncomfortable feelings of falling behind and say is this a society fairy shoulder tap or how you’re really feeling? And if the answer is an authentic yearning for something, I go out there and make space for that thing in my life.

Milestones are incredible. They help create a full life. But are the milestones you have on your list ones that you have created or ones your society fairy has brought to you to fulfill?

Marinate in whatever space your society fairy sticks you in, but don’t stay there long. Hear the girl out, but don’t blindly follow her lead.

Build a life full of milestones that meet your expectations, make you proud, and make your journey feel full. That’s a life of milestones that matters.