Pandemic Szn...Still

Right. Ok. So a year into this thing and am I th only one that feels exponentially worse than when we started?

We actually have a general end date and I am still more exhausted, irritable, stressed and not thriving than I was the entire time we did this thing. My skin is not glowing as much, I’m not feeling as energized, and I think my hair mgiht be thinner.

What’s the deal?

I love my new job. I’m finally living in the state I’ve wanted to come back to for years.

I think it’s the culmination of it all. The year in a global pandemic watching people act like pieces of shit. A year of racism and bigotry coming to a boiling point. A year of watching our government fail us all.

I’m feeling a bit disolusioned if I’m being honest.

I have lost a lot of faith in humanity.

And I’m white. I am privileged. I have it pretty damn easy comparatively. But it’s exhausting me to my core to continue to watch Americans specifically be utter hot smoldering garbage.

I get it, I can’t give up. We need people to show up, resist the bad and work to change America for good.

Specifically people like me need to show up. People with the privilege need to take the weight off the shoulders of those who have endured this pain, anger and exhaustion for hundreds of years.

Any yet, I’ll admit, lately I am unable to do much besides get through the day.

And I’m sorry for that. I feel guilty for that.

But I just want to say, I know I’m not the only one. I know that many of you are struggling to stay sane, get the job done, take care of yourselves (and maybe your families), and stand up for social & racial justice.

It’s a lot for anyone.

So here’s my suggestion: We don’t do it all.

We cut ourselves a break.

We recognize the long road we have ahead.

And we rest when we need to.

The pandemic isn’t over. Racism isn’t over. Women’s rights are still on the line. And they will be, for eternity.

So lose hope, sit down, rest.

And come back recharged.

Life is hard. It’s still a damn pandemic. And even when we are all vaccinated, we don’t know what the world will look like. Our country doesn’t represent the world, there are so many countries we will have to wait to catchup. We are still dealing with daily hate. The GOP is still ripping the rights away from everyone who isnt white wealthy and male. Gun violence is still happening daily. If you’re nto overwhelmed you’re not paying attention.

Stay connected to those who matter. Disconnect from technology when you need to. Get outside and be present in nature. Eat your veggies. Sleep those 8 hours and gulp down that water.

And when you feel normal(ish) again, join the fight.

Rinse. And repeat.

We’ve got a long road ahead, take it day by day. And remember, you’re never alone.

New Year, Same Sparkle

It’s time, the New Year, Same Sparkle post! I use the same title every year because 1. I don’t believe in New Year’s resolutions and 2. It’s pretty damn accurate.

Look we all know NYE is different in 2020. I hope you are all staying home, staying safe and being respectful of the world in which we live in right now. If you’re not, you’re trash. And I sincerely mean that.

I am spending the evening playing games with my Colorado quaranteam. It’s a very small group of safe friends. A very exclusive club — and no, you can’t sit with us. It’s a pandemic, please go home.

Because I don’t buy into resolutions, NYE is honestly just another day for me. I don’t really reflect that heavily on the year, I don’t think about changing in the new year.

Because 2020 has been anything but a normal year, it makes sense that I might feel a little different.

I’m still the same me, but I believe that I’ve become more me. I’ve embraced therapy whole heartedly and that means my growth into loving myself and owning who I am is off the charts.

I genuinely feel the best I ever have in my life.

So maybe new year, more sparkle?

I’ve struggled a lot with a lot this year, namely aging. I’m embracing it, but it’s also terrified me to be 35. It really really was a hard thing to face for whatever reason. Sitting at home all year and having time to look into the why of that — led me to a real breakthrough. Age ain’t shit. Write that down. It’s science.

That breakthrough has also made me feel so much ownership in the life I want to create. In 2021, I hope to continue to prioritize that.

It has also pushed me to own and celebrate who I am. And to not allow anyone else to tell me otherwise. In 2021, I hope to continue to show that.

That breakthrough has given me the courage to take a big risk, in 2021, I hope to continue to take big risks — especially when I’m scared to do so.

2021 is a new year, and while the pandemic isn’t over and there is so much to fix in this country — I am excited for all that is to come.

I hope things never go back to normal. I hope we raise hell and affect real change.

And next year I hope to tell you I’m my sparkliest yet.

Edit: Since I wrote this I decided to stay home entirely. It’s not worth the risk and because my friends are dope, they get it and respect it.

The Guilt is Heavy

I am exhausted. I am anxious. My insomnia has been completely unmanageable. I’ve really struggled the past month and I feel guilty for that.

I’m one of the lucky ones. Gainfully employed. Incredible benefits. I’m generally healthy. I have a great support system. A safe home. I have every basic need and more during this time.

So I truly struggle with the idea that I can struggle during this time.

I know that’s unrealistic. Comparing traumas or hardships or feelings is not healthy and it isn’t helpful to downplay my own issues.

I think there’s a balance.

It’s ok to struggle but have an understanding that it could be worse. There’s no need to downplay your feelings or needs but there is something to be said for being grateful for what you do have.

I’m not talking toxic positivity. I’m talking perspective.

If 2020 has taught me anything its that I don’t need a whole lot of the things I thought I did. I want a lot of things but don’t truly need them.

So while my anxiety and stress and the things I’m going through this year are very real and very valid, I can take solace in the fact that my life is pretty damn good.

It’s a weird year. And it doesn’t end just because the clock strikes 12 on December 31st.

Give yourself grace to struggle and persevere. Give yourself time to just sit in whatever moment you need to. And without engaging in toxic positivity, gain a little perspective and know that being grateful helps any situation.

Silver Linings Playbook

I’ve got a hot take that I want to first recognize is even possible because I have privilege.

Ready?

2020 is not that bad.

Let me explain.

Because I am privileged and have a job, a safe home and access to all my basic needs; I have focused on how grateful I am. And it’s changed my perspective on 2020.

Yes, I have had to cancel trips. Work has been extremely stressful. My anxiety has been a daily struggle. Depression has come back for the first time since I was a teenager. I don’t get to see a lot of family and friends. Concerts, sports - all canceled.

But I also have everything I need to survive and even thrive.

I am building relationships with people who I might not have if 2020 was a normal year. I am seeing more National Parks. I have time to workout more. I’m reading an average of two books a week. I am learning about boundaries and how to prioritize myself. I get to spend time with family. I’m more involved in political and social awareness and I’m putting in the work to make a difference. I’m realizing that work doesn’t define me.

All in all, I’m finding that I have more time to do a lot of the “I’ll get to it” things that I never actually had the time to do before.

Again, I cannot emphasize this enough, I am lucky. I am privileged. There are people who have none of this.

That’s a big reason why I am choosing to be grateful. Its why I want to focus on the good of 2020. Because it could be so much worse. And I know how easily I could lose it all.

I suggest that if you are as lucky as I am, you spend time talking about how lucky you are. You focus on the good around you and how you can potentially effect good around you. Certainly I’m not trying to downplay hardships we all have. My life is far from perfect in 2020 but it is good enough.

I get that we all love the memes and the 2020 jokes. They’re pretty damn funny. I just find that focusing on the silver linings and the things I’m grateful for is where my energy is best served.

2020 is not my favorite year, but it is a year I won’t give up on. I won’t chalk it up to a loss and I won’t call it the worst. I will call it the year that I learned to be more kind. More patient. More grateful. More aware of the life I have both been given and built.

I have always been attracted to shiny things, silver linings will always be one of those things.

Is the party over?

For like my whole life I thought your 20’s were the best years you had. I thought 18-30 were your prime years to live life at 110 mph, hanging on for dear life and just living. Minimal responsibility, hot bodies, cheap drinks, no expectations of really having your shit together.

At 34 I often wonder, is the party over?

Now given we are in a pandemic, wildfires blazing, politics just out of fucking control, this could be just a 2020 panic attack. Earths mid life crisis perhaps?

For me, my 20’s were a constant rager. I think I spent 98% of my 20’s drunk, in sequins and making questionable choices. I can think of more than one occasion where I was a fucking nightmare. The too drunk friend, the friend who you’re worried is lost in a ditch, the friend who is perhaps too good of a party girl. Don’t get me wrong, I was many times the responsible friend, the one who you know has your back and if I do say so myself — the funniest teammate we got. But at times, I was just the biggest mess. Surely some stems from insecurity, some stems from wanting to prove to myself that my traumas don’t define me, and other stems from really liking to party hard!

And yet, I’ve spent far too many hours lately thinking about why I miss my 20’s so much.

Here’s why I think that is (YAS - she loves her a list!)

1. Your 20’s are low pressure

   When you’re 22, people have really low expectations for you. When you party too hard it’s an LOL, see you next weekend. You do that at 34 and you’re a train-wreck (I've been her too, my bad!). But it’s nice to make mistakes without people judging you as hard. So what if you threw up in the Taco Bell drive thru bag while still driving like a boss, you’re 22, so cute for you! Don’t have your dream job yet? It’s ok sweetie, you’re 24, can you even do math yet?

2. There’s no aging in your 20’s

   I hate me too but for all of my 20’s I basically looked 25 max. I often still get mistaken for late 20’s. Good skin, good genes, honestly I don’t deserve it. I wrecked my body in her 20’s and she still never aged. I miss late nights, not having a skincare routine, eating too much and still looking like a godt damn bombshell. Now I have bread and I can’t wear jeans for a week. Don’t do all 60832 steps of my skincare routine? My entire face is red, broken out and growing thorns. Give me 24 year old Ashley’s skin and body again please. She didn’t appreciate her then.

3. Love is for the future

   I have commitment fears. A lot of people have let me down in life and the only consistent has been that I always got me. I loved being in my 20’s because nobody expected me to settle in and get married. There was no “she’s single, what’s wrong with her?” “she’s got a whole roster of men she’s stringing along, she’s so cute what a babe” Now at 34 people are like - is she a lesbian? I’ve always always had a nice little group of men on a roster. From serious relationships to men on the bench, I’d never experienced life without having male attention until I turned 30. Whatever I know, what a hard life bitch. Thing is, women in our 30’s who are single, everyone assumes you’e unhappy. And they also like to tell you how great a mom you would be. Thanks Karen, I’d probably be a good prostitute too but you don’t have to do everything you’re good at do you?

4. Your 20’s are a joke

   Your 20’s are truly just here for a good time. There are responsibilities of course and as you get up into your late 20’s you should probably gather your shit and be responsible but for the most part you are expected to have a good time. Like you get out there, you have fun, you make weird questionable choices. When you get to your 30’s everything is all bills, my back hurts and is my 401k ok?

All that said - I sort of came to the conclusion that for the most part I just miss irresponsible fun. Other than that in my 20’s I was insecure, poor, and in general kept people at arms distance. I had the best time ever, but when I dissect some of the things I miss, I realize my 20’s were dope but my 30’s are for thriving. Here’s why:

1. Stability

   Did you guys know it’s possible not to live paycheck to paycheck? What a wild ass concept. I worked in nonprofit or sports and my salaries were questionable at best. Someone should have called someone about that. In my 30’s, I do really well. I don’t worry about my bills, buying groceries and I can afford to jet abroad for two weeks if I feel like it. I also know what I want to do in my career and I have the resume to actually go out and get it. Things are stable. They’re attainable and they’re secure and that not wanting to fill my prescriptions because I couldn’t afford it, going without meals because I needed to save - that isn’t a thing anymore.

2. I like me

   I really like me. Genuinely. I think my shit smells like rainbows unicorns and those expensive sugary drinks they serve you at all inclusive resorts. Some days I think I’m fat and look old, but most days I look in the mirror and I think, what a damn queen! I did not feel that way in my 20’s, ever. And not many people realize that. But at 34, when shit is not going to be looking up or getting better, and my aversion to plastic surgery and injections is still thriving - I’m still into what I’ve got and where I’m going. I’m proud of where I’m at in my career, I am confident in what I bring to the table as a friend and partner, and I know I can handle anything. I’m pretty dope.

3. Relationships are better

   I am learning to process my traumas and trust in the people around me. That includes opening up about who I am and what I’ve gone through in life and asking for the respect I deserve. It means letting down my guard of being the fun/funny party girl and showing that I have feelings, thoughts and ideas that matter and might not always be shiny and easy to talk about. The relationships I have romantically and with friends are more developed and authentic and I don’t feel the strain of keeping people in my life that I don’t enjoy spending time with. I value my energy, I know that it is a privilege to know me and I and demanding the same from my circle. I truly feel connected, valued and supported by the people I allow into my life. I don’t feel like I have to be everything to everyone anymore. And while this is a constant battle for me, one that I often lose, I have come so far, and I know that I will only continue to be better in this space — for others and for myself.

I really like my 30’s. I assume I’ll panic at 35 because society has taught me that’s what you do, but I know that I’ll quickly go back to feeling excited, grateful and happy for this stage in my life. I’m not quite ready to say 40 is an area I’m openly embracing because I’m not an animal, but I am ready to say bring it 35, I’m ready to thrive.

Maybe I have a little bit of Peter Pan syndrome and will always miss being 20 and a wild child. It’s a comfortable place for me to hide when I’m working on growing into a real live adult. I think that shows up when I do revert back and make some questionable choices, have too much wine and dance on tables. And quite honestly, I think those nights are ok once in a long while. For the most part though, life is good in my 30’s. I think the party looks different but it’s far from over. The party still has drinks, sequins and laughter (and I’m probably being too loud) but now I’m in better labels and drinking better wines. And that doesn’t sound too bad. Cheers!

Take all my Monies

If you’re anything like me, you’ve spent a lot of unnecessary money on Amazon during quarantine. From yoga pants to building my at home gym to plants — I’ve bought it all. And I’d like to share my favorite finds with you!

Let’s get down to business!

Clothes

Yoga Pants: All I wear right now are yoga pants. I’m either working, working out or going on walks with my dog so if you think I’m going to wear real pants, you are insane. These pants are honestly similar to Lululemon Align and are 1/3 of the price! I’ve bought 4 pairs and am absolutely obsessed! Buy now, they sell fast!

Joggers: The same brand of those amazing yoga pants makes joggers! I love these because I have a booty and most joggers can look really frumpy on me. These are tight enough to be flattering in all the right places and again the fabric mimics the align collection from Lululemon

Fitness

Fitness Bands: I love fitness bands but can never find any that last long or are heavy enough. Recently discovered these and won’t go back! They’re heavy, sturdy and while I’ve only had them a week — I really think they’ll last!

Kettle-bell: I love kettle-bells. They’re so versatile. I own a 20lb and will probably buy one that’s a little heavier.

Beauty

Acne Patches: I read about these from an influencer and have had some hormonal acne so I was quick to hit buy. I can definitely see a difference with these overnight!

Dr. Jart Face Masks: I am obsessed with Dr. Jart products. My skin cannot get enough of these. I love this pack of 6 specifically because they’re many options. Whatever your skin needs, it’s got you covered!

Plants

Fox & Fern Stand: This mid century modern stand and pot are a little expensive for my taste but I’m so in love with the quality and look that I went for it anyways. I am new to the plant game so realistically I didn’t know how expensive things were.

Fox & Fern Pot: The stand and pot come separately and if you buy them both at once you can get 10% off. It’s still going to run you close to $80 but the quality is worth it. I end up buying plants at Home Depot or a local nursery for really good prices to offset the stand/pot.

What are yall buying on Amazon right now? Share your secret must haves please!

The Biggest Letdown

The thing that has devastated me the most about this pandemic has been the loss of human decency. For better or worse, I have always made the assumption that people are inherently good. And yet throughout this pandemic, I feel overwhelmed by people who are anything but.

There are protests demanding service industry workers get back on the job. Public figures have called for sacrificing our elderly to get the economy restarted. Essentially some Americans are taking it upon themselves to decide who lives and who dies.

I cannot imagine ever feeling like I have the right to determine who lives and dies from a pandemic. It absolutely shocks me to my core that there are human beings willing to sacrifice others for money. Yes, our economy is important. Yes we are going to be struggling for quite some time to bring our economy back to a better place. But no, at no point should citizens start making decisions around other citizens being sacrificed to fix an economy.

Look we have experienced something like this before (and GASP - without WiFi!) and we have experienced a devastated economy before. We will do so again. Realistically, the time between these events is going to get shorter if all the powers that be are correct. When we start deciding the only way out is to sacrifice human lives, we have failed entirely.

I go back to the root of the problem - I don’t know how to explain to someone to care about others. I don’t. I know I have been far too oblivious to privilege in the past. This struggle isn’t new and probably isn’t shocking to those who have been oppressed for centuries. It’s probably business as usual.

Now that I have become more educated and aware, on a much deeper level — I think it matters that I speak up. It matters to me to challenge the people who think they have the right to determine when another citizen lives or dies simply because they’d like to get a damn haircut.

There are certainly many stories of human decency. Of people helping each other out when they really don’t have to. Of companies doing right by their employees. So I get it, the world isn’t all bad. But I do believe these huge injustices and lack of humanity are grave enough that we can’t just say “well it balances out.” Because it doesn’t.

I don’t know how to explain to you that you should care about other people. All I know is that you should. And if you don’t, yea, you are the problem with society.