Growing up I developed a need to be a people pleaser. I worked hard not for myself, but because I felt it was the character I was supposed to play.
Top athlete. Good student. Beauty queen. I had to be the best at everything. I never considered if these things were important to me, I only cared that I succeeded at them and they made people approve of me.
That worked for me for a really long time. I was successful and had the approval of those around me.
But now that I’m in my late 30’s, those things aren’t what makes me happy. I don’t feel my value is based upon my bofy, beauty or what I achieve at work. They’re great things to have, but they don’t make me feel valueable.
They also haven’t been what makes me happy.
I value being a good person, laughet, good peoplel travel, feeling safe and supported and healthy. That’s it.
I will always work hard, I will always value being conventionally beautiful (hello, women of the world) and yea, it feels good to be a boss at work - but those things don’t equal automatic joy.
I’ve spent a lot of time in therapy talking about not feeling good enough, successful enough, attractive enough - but the common theme is that I don’t know what any of that means for me. I only know what those things mean from the standpoint of people who showed me the values of those things. My view on what equals success or where those things fit in my value set never came into account.
So that’s what I’m trying to learn. What matters to me, who I am indepedent of what others think I should be and how I want to develop moving forward.
I had always thought of myself as fiercely indepedenent and vocal - and I am - but I am also quick to pull myself back into line to meet the expectations of others. I have genuinely valued being liked over being true to myself.
That’s a hard pill to swallow.
So at 37, I’m not entirely sure all of who I am. I am working hard weekly to figure it out. And while I have a lot of work to do, I’ve also done a lot of work.
I like this me. I like the version of me that doesn’t need to be the best. I like the version of me who steps away from people who gaslight me into feeling bad about being who I really am. I love the version of me who speaks up unapolagetically about the things that matter and sits with being called loud, bossy, bitchy and difficult. Who doesn’t backtrack and smooth the road. I love the me that demands better of myself and others. I love the me that I’m evolving into.
I know I’ll have setbacks, but for the very first time I genuinely feel like I’m not just saying I have grown, I truly am growing and learning to be the real me that’s authentic and flawed and quick to sit in a situation and figure out what I feel rather than what I should feel.
I hope if you’re struggling, you keep doing the work. Whether you’re 22, 32, 62 - there’s alwaus time to figure out who you are and prioritize your own joy. To succeed on your own terms. To find pride in your own existence because you’re true to your values and joy.
Playing a character is exhausting and note remotely fullfilling. Your authentic self is who you owe to the world. If not everyone likes that person — good — it means you’re doing something rignt. Keep going.