Character Development

Growing up I developed a need to be a people pleaser. I worked hard not for myself, but because I felt it was the character I was supposed to play.

Top athlete. Good student. Beauty queen. I had to be the best at everything. I never considered if these things were important to me, I only cared that I succeeded at them and they made people approve of me.

That worked for me for a really long time. I was successful and had the approval of those around me.

But now that I’m in my late 30’s, those things aren’t what makes me happy. I don’t feel my value is based upon my bofy, beauty or what I achieve at work. They’re great things to have, but they don’t make me feel valueable.

They also haven’t been what makes me happy.

I value being a good person, laughet, good peoplel travel, feeling safe and supported and healthy. That’s it.

I will always work hard, I will always value being conventionally beautiful (hello, women of the world) and yea, it feels good to be a boss at work - but those things don’t equal automatic joy.

I’ve spent a lot of time in therapy talking about not feeling good enough, successful enough, attractive enough - but the common theme is that I don’t know what any of that means for me. I only know what those things mean from the standpoint of people who showed me the values of those things. My view on what equals success or where those things fit in my value set never came into account.

So that’s what I’m trying to learn. What matters to me, who I am indepedent of what others think I should be and how I want to develop moving forward.

I had always thought of myself as fiercely indepedenent and vocal - and I am - but I am also quick to pull myself back into line to meet the expectations of others. I have genuinely valued being liked over being true to myself.

That’s a hard pill to swallow.

So at 37, I’m not entirely sure all of who I am. I am working hard weekly to figure it out. And while I have a lot of work to do, I’ve also done a lot of work.

I like this me. I like the version of me that doesn’t need to be the best. I like the version of me who steps away from people who gaslight me into feeling bad about being who I really am. I love the version of me who speaks up unapolagetically about the things that matter and sits with being called loud, bossy, bitchy and difficult. Who doesn’t backtrack and smooth the road. I love the me that demands better of myself and others. I love the me that I’m evolving into.

I know I’ll have setbacks, but for the very first time I genuinely feel like I’m not just saying I have grown, I truly am growing and learning to be the real me that’s authentic and flawed and quick to sit in a situation and figure out what I feel rather than what I should feel.

I hope if you’re struggling, you keep doing the work. Whether you’re 22, 32, 62 - there’s alwaus time to figure out who you are and prioritize your own joy. To succeed on your own terms. To find pride in your own existence because you’re true to your values and joy.

Playing a character is exhausting and note remotely fullfilling. Your authentic self is who you owe to the world. If not everyone likes that person — good — it means you’re doing something rignt. Keep going.

FunEmployment

In May I left a really toxic environment (at a wonderful company, wrong team). Instead of immediately focusing on my job search, I took a break. Now 6 months in I’ve learned a whole lot.

I can finally say that work doesn’t define me. It’s a great thing that can certainly fullfill me, but the real purpose of it is to pay bills and book flights.

I will always work hard, be type A and value having a reputation as someone who is one of tne best at what they do, but my work will no longer be my primary focus. It does not define me. In fact, it’s the least interesting thing about me.

That’s a HUGE shift for me. While I’ve worked to find balance, I’ve still very much allowed work to be 80% of who I am and where I spend my energy. It’s controlled my moods, controlled what I think about myself and truly been what I’m self concious about.

No more.

6 months of travel, therapy, not working — I’m a new sequin, and I love it.

It’s completely foreign to me to be at a “career low” and yet be the most confident, fullfilled and happy version of myself I’ve ever been. I am setting boundaries, living for the moment, speaking about my feelings, doing the work assigned at therapy and investing in people who make me feel wonderful while stepping away from those who don’t. I am genuinely so proud and happy of the woman that I am.

I know at the end of the day, I’ll find the next thing. I will bet on me every single time. And I won’t lie, it’s stressful looking for a job in a market full of layoffs and a looming recession. I am not an heiress (RUDE) so I’ll need a job soon. I have my breakdowns and stress about that. I’m human. But I will be ok. I will come out of this thriving.

In the meantime, I’m working really hard to keep the old me back and the new me forward. I’m focused on putting in the work on my growth and maturity and investing in experiences.

Funemployment for me has been an incredible time of work & play. I’ve left the country twice, traveled in our own country countless times and I’m taking time to build on who I am without work. It’s been a gift to truly force myself to be whole without a job - because I don’t have one!

I hope that when I do start work again, I remember this time and stay focused on the growth. I hope I keep this same main character energy and ensure work stays secondary.

Whatever comes next, this time has been a gift and an incredible opportunity to become a better me. And at the end of the day, that’s the goal. Be the best version of myself possible.