Character Development

Growing up I developed a need to be a people pleaser. I worked hard not for myself, but because I felt it was the character I was supposed to play.

Top athlete. Good student. Beauty queen. I had to be the best at everything. I never considered if these things were important to me, I only cared that I succeeded at them and they made people approve of me.

That worked for me for a really long time. I was successful and had the approval of those around me.

But now that I’m in my late 30’s, those things aren’t what makes me happy. I don’t feel my value is based upon my bofy, beauty or what I achieve at work. They’re great things to have, but they don’t make me feel valueable.

They also haven’t been what makes me happy.

I value being a good person, laughet, good peoplel travel, feeling safe and supported and healthy. That’s it.

I will always work hard, I will always value being conventionally beautiful (hello, women of the world) and yea, it feels good to be a boss at work - but those things don’t equal automatic joy.

I’ve spent a lot of time in therapy talking about not feeling good enough, successful enough, attractive enough - but the common theme is that I don’t know what any of that means for me. I only know what those things mean from the standpoint of people who showed me the values of those things. My view on what equals success or where those things fit in my value set never came into account.

So that’s what I’m trying to learn. What matters to me, who I am indepedent of what others think I should be and how I want to develop moving forward.

I had always thought of myself as fiercely indepedenent and vocal - and I am - but I am also quick to pull myself back into line to meet the expectations of others. I have genuinely valued being liked over being true to myself.

That’s a hard pill to swallow.

So at 37, I’m not entirely sure all of who I am. I am working hard weekly to figure it out. And while I have a lot of work to do, I’ve also done a lot of work.

I like this me. I like the version of me that doesn’t need to be the best. I like the version of me who steps away from people who gaslight me into feeling bad about being who I really am. I love the version of me who speaks up unapolagetically about the things that matter and sits with being called loud, bossy, bitchy and difficult. Who doesn’t backtrack and smooth the road. I love the me that demands better of myself and others. I love the me that I’m evolving into.

I know I’ll have setbacks, but for the very first time I genuinely feel like I’m not just saying I have grown, I truly am growing and learning to be the real me that’s authentic and flawed and quick to sit in a situation and figure out what I feel rather than what I should feel.

I hope if you’re struggling, you keep doing the work. Whether you’re 22, 32, 62 - there’s alwaus time to figure out who you are and prioritize your own joy. To succeed on your own terms. To find pride in your own existence because you’re true to your values and joy.

Playing a character is exhausting and note remotely fullfilling. Your authentic self is who you owe to the world. If not everyone likes that person — good — it means you’re doing something rignt. Keep going.

That was fast

I’ve always read those “life comes at you fast” and “things change quickly” life sayings and thought to myself; what a pile of shit. I spent a lot of years struggling financially and working in jobs that made me miserable. None of that changed fast for me.

And yet here I am at 35, looking around, and things have changed. I’m not struggling financially. I love my job. Overall, things seem pretty damn good.

I don’t think that’s by chance.

It’s by design (and of course some luck and born privilege).

I’ve put in the time, effort, and been an all around decent human being for quite some time now. My current situation is a result of that.

Sure, life can change in an instant. But it is far more likely that life is a result of a million things over time.

It’s the work you put in, the way you treat others, and often the circumstances you were born into and the privileges you hold in the world.

Yet I encourage you to continue to believe.

To know that eventually, things can be ok. They have the potential to change.

In a time when I know a lot of people are struggling, I encourage you to stay as eyes on the prize as possible. And if you’re going through a good time right now like I am, I encourage you to help those who are not.

Unbreakable

If you’re new here, you might not know that I have not always been this loud nor confident. Growing up in a conservative, white, wealthy town meant that I didn’t really grow into my own self — and love who that is until my 30’s.

I bought into needing the good grades, being the star athlete, beauty queen and everything in between. I had moments where my voice came through and my wild ways popped up, but comparative to who I am now, I don’t know that girl.

At 35, I am unbreakable. I know what I stand for, I know who I am and I’m confident that person fucking rocks.

I’ve survived the things I was sure would break me. I’ve percevered when I hit rock bottom in my career. I’ve navigated foreign countries without speaking the language. And I’ve done it all with great hair.

It took me a really long time to get to this point. And at times, my confidence falters. When it does, I remind myself what a bad ass I actually am.

In a year when we’ve all been deeply tested, I hope that you take the time to remind yourself you’re pretty amazing too.

Write these things down. Have them nearby so that when you start to doubt yourself, you can easily look to examples of just how unbreakable you are.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about all of the things we’ve been enduring lately. And it makes me want to tell people more how strong and wonderful they are.

To thank others who have been there to keep me believing in me when it felt like I was alone.

And then to ultimately come back to me, and remind myself — that I might shake, I might crack, but I will forever be unbreakable.

For a Season

Since I was a wee sequin I had a really weird relationship with friendships. I’m intensly loyal and a team player. I truly thought that it was on me to make friendships work for life or there was some shame if you didn’t stay friends with someone. I also thought if a friendship wasn’t working I had to have some serious sit down conversation with that person to talk it out. For me, I have trust issues. I hold a lot inside. When I share parts of me, I fear that if a friendship ends, someone is going to use that against me. Or share my personal secrets with the world. A whole mess of issues right?!

At 35, I have finally figured out that’s all shit.

Friendships should absolutely be invested in. But let me let you in on a little secret — most friendships are for a season.

And sometimes shitty people do share your personal secrets. But that’s not on you. Those are shitty people.

But if we are very lucky, we will have a friendship or two that lasts a lifetime. Mostly though, friendships evolve as you do.

It took me far too long to get completely comfortable with myself, to evolve into the real me, and to genuinely be happy with who that is.

I’ve evolved greatly since I started making friends - OBVIOUSLY. As anyone should. As everyone should.

Specifically in 2020 I did work to better myself. To address my traumas and to not let anyone but myself decide who and what matters to me. My greatest influence is now ME.

Add on top of that and everything that 2020 was, I really took a hard look at what my values are, who shares those values, and who gives me life versus who drains me.

And I started to phase out the people who don’t match my values or that drain my energy.

Early on I had a bit of a blow up with a really close childhood friend. I’m talking 25+ years of friendship. She really deeply hurt me and we spent time apart. I truly thought the friendship might be over. To me, it was worth the conversation to explain how hurt I was. This person has been there through a lot of phases of my life and is important to me. She took time, I took time and she came back and stepped up. I can tell I matter to her and she values my friendship enough to put the work in. We have more real conversations. If anything, I think its going to make us stronger.

Then COVID hit in March, and with that came restrictions and tough choices that a lot of us have had to make. Then racial tension hit an all time high and more tough choices had to be made.

2020 has been a year that people really had to step up and prove they are the values they talk about. People have really had to show up and take a stand. If not with their words, with their actions.

I’ve watched a lot of people I thought would hold to their values completely disappoint me. And while I have spoken up to many, a lot of these folks aren’t open to listening or seeing the selfishness of their ways. They don’t get it. They really think because you can do something means it’s ok. They don’t even consider the affects on others. The awareness isn’t there. Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should.

Who you are is who you are in hard times. It’s who you are when tough choices have to be made. How you react at that time, that’s who you are.

My values don’t align with those people or those choices. I’m also not one to sit back and avoid the conflict by smiling and faking my way through it. 2020 has been some serious shit. I plan to be on the right side of history. If anything, I am ashamed I haven’t done more before. That won’t happen again.

So I distanced myself from some friends. Because my energy is bigger than sitting in the comfort I could so easily choose. I’m moving to a new phase and that means some friendships will slowly fade away.

I’m proud of myself for that. I’m proud that I didn’t need the conversation. I didn’t need the big dramatic anything. I’m proud that for me, it’s about just moving on and recognizing that some friends are for a season.

I think its important to know that we are also seasonal friends for our friends. I’ve changed a lot in the past few years, 2020 more than ever. And who I am now doesn’t align with the pahses of life some of my friends are in. And that’s ok.

Being able to acknowledge that some friendships are for certain seasons in life is critical to growing up. It’s a bit sad it took me this long to understand that.

What I understand now is there is nothing wrong with me and there’s not really necessary anything wrong with these friends. It’s just understanding that friends you gravitate to serve a purpose for you at that time in your life. And the relationship works for you both until it doesn’t. And that’s ok. Priorities change. Values can change. Sometimes those values are put to the test and not everyone is willing to live those values they talk about.

It matters that I continue to prioritize my own values and needs in friendships. That I don’t allow outside noise to cloud my judgement or influence my emotions. It’s been life changing so far and I refuse to go back.

And If you are lucky enough to have some friends that you know will last a lifetime (I am so grateful to have a few of you!), apprecaite that. Feed those relationships. They are your soulmates. You should also apprecaite the friends you have for a season. They’re valuable and they helped you become who you are, for better or worse. But also understand and respect that some friends are for a season for a reason. Wish them well and continue on your journey.

The coolest thing about life is that we get to meet and be part of so many people’s lives. Even if only for a brief time, you impact the lives of others and they impact yours. That’s pretty damn magical.