I'm not a very good friend.
Now I'm sure that my best friends will disagree (hopefully) but I can explain.
I'm always there for you when you need me. I'll check on you when you're hurting. I will never let you fall. I'll be your biggest cheerleader. I have your back every step of the way. I will tell you I love you every chance I can. And I will make sure you know how wonderful you are. You will never feel unloved by me. If you're on my team, I've got you.
But I'm not a good friend because I don't expect the same of you. I don't allow you to know when I am hurting. I don't tell you all of my problems. I push you away. I don't call like I should. I don't ask you for help. I don't tell you when you've hurt my feelings. I don't allow myself to be a good friend. To give the same vulnerability to you, that you give to me.
I know I've got issues. And I can list them out in a neat little color coded document. And the biggest one is that I am too independent. I don't rely on anyone for anything. I don't allow myself to show emotions. I never ask for help. And it all makes me a bad friend.
Last summer I went through a lot. And eventually I broke down and told a good friend about some things going on in my life. She was shocked. Not by what was happening but that I was opening up and breaking down. She told me that I never ask for help. That I always seem ok. That I never seem like I need anyone. That I'm my own one woman show.
And that shook me up. Really messed with my mind. Because she wasn't wrong. She was in fact very correct that I express my love and loyalty so well to my friends but don't ever allow them into my heart or mind.
Now in the last year I've gone through a lot. And I've opened up about it to some but I haven't put the effort in to keep the communication up. I haven't kept opening up to them and strengthening our bond. Without my commitment to doing so, the relationships start to fall off a little. And then I get really sad. I start too feel like maybe I'm not valued as much in the squad.
But that is simply not true. I am very important to my people. And they love me very much. Which brings me back to - I'm not a very good friend.
How do people know you feel left out if you don't tell them? If you never take the time to talk on thephone, how do you expect people to call you? If you don't show people that you have feelings and need to feel supported too - how do you expect them to ask if you're ok? The point is - I'm my own worst enemy when it comes to friendships.
And it only took me 31 years to figure it out.
As always - I'm about solutions and making myself a better person and not letting the good life pass me by.
So here's what I'm going to do:
Call Myself Out on my Own BS
I'm going to stop making excuses, stop being a bad friend, and focus on recognizing when I'm being my own worst enemy. I'm going to stop making excuses, and start taking an active role in my responsibility as a friend.
Make the Effort
I'm going to talk on the phone more. I'm going to do the random texts. I'm going to be vulnerable with the people that I trust the most. And I'm going to go all in. I've got a small squad but they are the absolute best there is. I need to show them that I trust them and value their support.
Commit to Going All In
Lastly, I'm going all in. I don't need to hold back or worry about how my friends will judge me. I also need to worry less about being a burden and realize that friendships are based on mutual need.
Friendships are hard. And being a good friend is about more than being there for your humans. It's about being able to trust your people enough to open up and allow them to be there for you too.