Shrink Your Circle

Growing up and for far too long in my 20’s, I had a really large circle of friends. No new friends was not a concept to me. I wanted to continue to expand my circle as large as possible so that I always had something to do. Shit was exhausting.

I think or a lot of us, our 20’s are for fun and adventure. I had the best time and did all of the things. All of them. And I loved it.

But I’m 33 now (34 next week!) and I’m tired. I want to do more meaningful things with more complex people.

Lately as I’ve cut back my circle of friends, I realized that for someone who has prided them-self on not being a people pleaser, I sure cared a lot about not disappointing others. I worried about disappointing people by not making time for them, I stressed about saying no to plans - I wanted to hang onto relationships that no longer served me.

It is going to be awkward to end friendships. It can bring on tough conversations that don’t make you feel good. But it is essential to do so in order to save your sanity. In a lot of cases, you can really Irish exit the friendship. And that’’s my kind of ending. But in other cases, you’ll have to be blunt and have the conversation.

We all know I have anxiety. I’m high strung. I’m a dweller. So keeping people in my life who cause me stress, that’s a really unhealthy way to live. My life is already a daily struggle of “why can’t I be calm and cool” so it’s critical to cut off the unnecessary stress - like people.

I’ve talked about this before, and I think I made a sort of effort to it, but recently I’ve sincerely committed to it. I had been so unhealthy for so long in allowing other people to have too much control over my well being that I was either going to break or make a change. I chose to change.

And it’s been nothing but magic. The people that love me know when I pull away for a bit, it’s just because life is happening. The people that aren’t my circle, welp, they start to understand they’ve gotten the boot.

You are the CEO of your life. You owe it to the success of your ‘business’ to hire, fire, and promote accordingly.

Friendship Bracelets and Pinky Swears

I'm not a very good friend. 

Now I'm sure that my best friends will disagree (hopefully) but I can explain. 

I'm always there for you when you need me. I'll check on you when you're hurting.  I will never let you fall.  I'll be your biggest cheerleader. I have your back every step of the way. I will tell you I love you every chance I can. And I will make sure you know how wonderful you are. You will never feel unloved by me.  If you're on my team, I've got you.

But I'm not a good friend because I don't expect the same of you.  I don't allow you to know when I am hurting.  I don't tell you all of my problems.  I push you away. I don't call like I should. I don't ask you for help. I don't tell you when you've hurt my feelings. I don't allow myself to be a good friend.  To give the same vulnerability to you, that you give to me.

I know I've got issues. And I can list them out in a neat little color coded document. And the biggest one is that I am too independent.  I don't rely on anyone for anything.  I don't allow myself to show emotions. I never ask for help. And it all makes me a bad friend. 

Last summer I went through a lot. And eventually I broke down and told a good friend about some things going on in my life.  She was shocked. Not by what was happening but that I was opening up and breaking down.  She told me that I never ask for help. That I always seem ok. That I never seem like I need anyone.  That I'm my own one woman show. 

And that shook me up. Really messed with my mind.  Because she wasn't wrong.  She was in fact very correct that I express my love and loyalty so well to my friends but don't ever allow them into my heart or mind.  

Now in the last year I've gone through a lot. And I've opened up about it to some but I haven't put the effort in to keep the communication up. I haven't kept opening up to them and strengthening our bond.  Without my commitment to doing so, the relationships start to fall off a little.  And then I get really sad.  I start too feel like maybe I'm not valued as much in the squad.

But that is simply not true.  I am very important to my people.  And they love me very much.  Which brings me back to - I'm not a very good friend.

How do people know you feel left out if you don't tell them?  If you never take the time to talk on thephone, how do you expect people to call you?  If you don't show people that you have feelings and need to feel supported too - how do you expect them to ask if you're ok?  The point is - I'm my own worst enemy when it comes to friendships. 

And it only took me 31 years to figure it out. 

As always - I'm about solutions and making myself a better person and not letting the good life pass me by. 

So here's what I'm going to do:

Call Myself Out on my Own BS

I'm going to stop making excuses, stop being a bad friend, and focus on recognizing when I'm being my own worst enemy.  I'm going to stop making excuses, and start taking an active role in my responsibility as a friend.

Make the Effort

I'm going to talk on the phone more.  I'm going to do the random texts.  I'm going to be vulnerable with the people that I trust the most.  And I'm going to go all in.  I've got a small squad but they are the absolute best there is.  I need to show them that I trust them and value their support.

Commit to Going All In

Lastly, I'm going all in.  I don't need to hold back or worry about how my friends will judge me.  I also need to worry less about being a burden and realize that friendships are based on mutual need. 

Friendships are hard.  And being a good friend is about more than being there for your humans.  It's about being able to trust your people enough to open up and allow them to be there for you too.

Squad Goals.

I'm 31.  And for some reason I think that makes me old and wise.  Like 95 and lived it all old and wise.  Because of that - I like to share my knowledge with ya'll as if its the law of physics. 

Today, we will learn about #SquadGoals.  For those of you not as hip as me - the squad is the friendship group you keep.  I'm actually not sure if the kids are still saying squad, but they should. 

At 21 - the squad goals revolve around being seen with the coolest people, knowing the right people who can get you free table service and really just being seen at the right places.  It's a lot of work to maintain that lifestyle and the squad is ever changing due to drama and the hierarchy.  One wrong move and you're demoted to a less awesome squad and really what else is there to live for?

At 31 - the squad goals revolve around being with the most positive real people, knowing they've got your back, and being with people you can sit on your couch getting wine wasted with and feel at ease. 

I'm a really big fan of squad goals at 31.  I'm already an anxious person - I don't need to be worrying about where I stand in the squad, if I've been seen enough on a weekend, and who I need to suck up to in order to stay relevant.  Now let's not get it twisted - in my day I was really good at the free table service, doing the celebrity pro athlete casual "I hang with so and so" thing (vomit), and always the last one to leave the party - but today - I am not that person - and I love that.

My squad now is what makes me a better person.  They're teaching me its ok to be vulnerable.  They call me on my bullshit.  They support me fiercely.  These are the people that are my family.  And they're worth more than a night at the club at the best table any day of the week.  I think the even cooler thing is a lot of these people knew me at my 20s hot mess (but still sparkly) phase and they still think I rock. 

At 31 - I want stability.  I crave loyalty.  I thrive on positivity. And the people I consider my squad embody these things.  They're the realest of the real and I couldn't want anything more. 

My squad consists of the people I sit on the couch with drinking wine and pinteresting with.  They're the people who know I need Taco Bell sometimes and as disgusting as that is - they're in the passenger seat ordering tacos for everyone.  They're the friends who know I am 100% down for brunch but don't ask me to go somewhere at 10PM because I'm already in my onesie snuggling my puppy.  And they are the best humans that can tell when I'm not ok and force themselves on me because they care that much. 

Squad Goals at 31 are my cheerleaders, my judge and jury, my perfectly imperfect people I could never live without.  Maybe we aren't the coolest (lies), the most on the scene (Is the dog park a scene?), or hanging out with celebrities (right, like they can even compare) every night - but we are real and doing our best in this world to just figure it all out.  And when you've got a good gang to do that with - that's true #SquadGoals.