Friendship Bracelets and Pinky Swears

I'm not a very good friend. 

Now I'm sure that my best friends will disagree (hopefully) but I can explain. 

I'm always there for you when you need me. I'll check on you when you're hurting.  I will never let you fall.  I'll be your biggest cheerleader. I have your back every step of the way. I will tell you I love you every chance I can. And I will make sure you know how wonderful you are. You will never feel unloved by me.  If you're on my team, I've got you.

But I'm not a good friend because I don't expect the same of you.  I don't allow you to know when I am hurting.  I don't tell you all of my problems.  I push you away. I don't call like I should. I don't ask you for help. I don't tell you when you've hurt my feelings. I don't allow myself to be a good friend.  To give the same vulnerability to you, that you give to me.

I know I've got issues. And I can list them out in a neat little color coded document. And the biggest one is that I am too independent.  I don't rely on anyone for anything.  I don't allow myself to show emotions. I never ask for help. And it all makes me a bad friend. 

Last summer I went through a lot. And eventually I broke down and told a good friend about some things going on in my life.  She was shocked. Not by what was happening but that I was opening up and breaking down.  She told me that I never ask for help. That I always seem ok. That I never seem like I need anyone.  That I'm my own one woman show. 

And that shook me up. Really messed with my mind.  Because she wasn't wrong.  She was in fact very correct that I express my love and loyalty so well to my friends but don't ever allow them into my heart or mind.  

Now in the last year I've gone through a lot. And I've opened up about it to some but I haven't put the effort in to keep the communication up. I haven't kept opening up to them and strengthening our bond.  Without my commitment to doing so, the relationships start to fall off a little.  And then I get really sad.  I start too feel like maybe I'm not valued as much in the squad.

But that is simply not true.  I am very important to my people.  And they love me very much.  Which brings me back to - I'm not a very good friend.

How do people know you feel left out if you don't tell them?  If you never take the time to talk on thephone, how do you expect people to call you?  If you don't show people that you have feelings and need to feel supported too - how do you expect them to ask if you're ok?  The point is - I'm my own worst enemy when it comes to friendships. 

And it only took me 31 years to figure it out. 

As always - I'm about solutions and making myself a better person and not letting the good life pass me by. 

So here's what I'm going to do:

Call Myself Out on my Own BS

I'm going to stop making excuses, stop being a bad friend, and focus on recognizing when I'm being my own worst enemy.  I'm going to stop making excuses, and start taking an active role in my responsibility as a friend.

Make the Effort

I'm going to talk on the phone more.  I'm going to do the random texts.  I'm going to be vulnerable with the people that I trust the most.  And I'm going to go all in.  I've got a small squad but they are the absolute best there is.  I need to show them that I trust them and value their support.

Commit to Going All In

Lastly, I'm going all in.  I don't need to hold back or worry about how my friends will judge me.  I also need to worry less about being a burden and realize that friendships are based on mutual need. 

Friendships are hard.  And being a good friend is about more than being there for your humans.  It's about being able to trust your people enough to open up and allow them to be there for you too.

Friends Forever ... Ish.

Growing up I didn't fit into any social circle.  I was an athlete, a weirdo, on Homecoming court, a comedian, a little bit of everything.  I pride myself on being able to get along with most groups of people.  But what I didn't learn until I grew up was that there's a distinct difference between being able to fit into any social setting and calling those people my friends.  It's critically important to understand that while you can be friendly with a lot of people, your friendship circle of your nearest and dearest are your people. 

A few years ago I was expressing my frustration about a close friend to another friend.  He told me something that changed my entire perspective on friendships.  He told me that I need to understand that friends fit into boxes.  You've got your ride or dies, your friends you party with, friends you work with, etc.  And as long as you understand the type of friend you're dealing with, you can prevent frustration through reasonable expectations for that friend type.  So if you're out with a friend who you only call to party with, you can't expect they're the friend that you can turn to in need, that's not their role in your life. 

As we get older, our needs from our friendships change.  And we change.  Our friends change.  The boxes those friends fit in change.  Pay attention to what your people show you.  The friend you used to consider one of your closest confidants may now just be an acquaintance.  Your go to party animal may now be someone you call when you're in crisis. 

The point is to understand people and relationships are ever evolving.  And that's ok. Once you understand what you need and where your people fit into those needs as well as who doesn't fit any longer, you're able to feel at peace with the evolution of relationships. 

 As someone who used to spend a lot of time trying to maintain every friendship I had, I can attest to how exhausting that was.  Having spent the last few years putting this new philosophy into practice, I can say that it's helped me to find peace with the process of losing friends, gaining new ones, and jumping back into old relationships.  I've lost friends I once considered family.  I've gained new friends I don't think I could live without.  And I've gotten back in touch with childhood best friends as if no time has passed.

I'm thankful that I have a core group of friends who have become family.  And those select few won't ever leave my life (seriously, I'll find you.) I know they're forever.  And I invest most of my time on those people.  But the other boxes are great to have as I evolve and they evolve.  At the end of the day, being able to understand that some people are meant to be in our lives for only a short time, is a huge skill.  Appreciate people while you have them, appreciate who they are and the role they play in your life.

You also need to have an understanding of what friendship box you fit into in people's lives.  Who are you to the people around you?  Be self aware, decide if being in the party box or the best friend box is what you're comfortable being in those relationships.  Just because you're considered a party friend to someone doesn't mean you have to stay in that box.  Take yourself out of the equation or step up and be a better friend, make your way to the BFF box.  In the same sentiment, just because you consider a friend part of a certain box doesn't mean that's where they want to be.  Just like you show them who you are with your actions, they show you what you mean to them, pay attention to that. 

Relationships are complicated.  They come with really big highs and really low lows.  The more you know who you are, and love who that is - the easier it is to stabilize your relationships and expectations with everyone else.  Because first and foremost, the most important relationship you will ever have - the one that ultimately defines the success of every other relationship in your life, is your relationship with YOU.