I have had a very full life. Lots of twists and turns. I've experienced my fair share of the highs and lows. And while I think that's relative considering a lot of people go through a lot of things, I have been told I carry a lot of baggage.
Somewhere along the line in life, I developed baggage as a negative connotation. And because of my baggage, I've built a wall because I don't want to burden anyone else with my baggage.
That all sounds very simple, but for someone who isn't the most in tune with my feelings, this is a big revelation.
I started to think back to relationships and friendships and quickly realized I push people away, I'm slow to trust, and I pick people that aren't the right fit.
I've known some of my best friends for 20+ years and very few of them know some of the pieces of me that make me who I am.
I've dated perfectly wonderful men and found every excuse in the book to walk away, quite often leaving the state entirely.
Certainly I'm not the only human who carries a colorful past. So what is it about carrying these burdens that makes us feel like they're only ours to carry? And why do we feel like the people who love us can't carry part of that weight for us?
I have a fear of being let down. I am also starting to realize I may feel some self consciousness for the things I have dealt with in life and worry that the people important to me won't want to stay in my world because of them. So instead of sharing my story with the people who matter the most, I internalize and I carry these burdens alone.
What I think we fail to realize when we don't share our puzzle pieces with others is that it can be very hurtful to those people. When you share the parts of you that make you who you are, you're giving a lot of trust to that person. You're saying I value you, I want you to know who I am and I respect the relationship we are building.
One of my closest friends in the world told me about two years ago that I don't ever tell the group about my past and the things that go on in my life. That I always seem to have it together, never needing anyone. She explained that it made her feel less important to me. Obviously this was never my intention. I actually never considered this because I was so focused on not making anyone else carry my stuff that I couldn't see any other perspective.
While I still don't think everyone needs to hear my story, and not everyone deserves to hold some of my pieces, I do see that sharing those parts of me are how I am going to be able to develop the most meaningful relationships in my life.
Being vulnerable is hard for everyone. And for people who don't know how to manage their feelings in a healthy way, it is often crippling. I have had moments that I've shared parts of who I am with someone and then worried about them having that knowledge years down the road when we are no longer in each other's lives.
The thing is - part of finding the best people is being able to risk opening up to them in order to know they are your people. You can't hold back your pieces and hope to find your circle. You have to tell your story, even slowly, to others in order to find that connection.
It's quite frankly, a very long work in progress for me. Even realizing that I am this way was a lot to comprehend. But I think I'm a good human being, deserving of the best and most full relationships. And in order to have those, I've got to put in the work to develop them.
If you're missing the right kinds of people, relationships, and connections in your world - take a look at the way in which you exist within those partnerships. Are you doing your part to share who you are? Are you making yourself open to the possibility of truly real support systems?
People are resiliant. They're strong. They can carry a lot. And if you mean a lot to someone, they're going to want to help hold your baggage. Because baggage isn't always bad. Baggage can often take you to the most amazing places if you're willing to be open to the possibilities.