Dating Around

It was pointed out to me recently that I quite often talk about dating and relationships in the past, but rarely discuss my present romantic status. Short answer, I know. Long answer, this is not an accident.

I am a fiercely private person. I understand that makes no sense given that I write a very public blog about some very personal things. Like all social media and online presence, I curate the experience you have by choosing what to share and what to keep to myself.

Growing up, I was a very open person about who I was dating. You could easily tell my status at any given time because I’ve probably posted about it on all my social media platforms. As I’ve grown and matured, I have realized how much I value my privacy in romantic relationships. There are simply very few people I share my romantic life with.

Here’s why:

1. Relationships are hard

   Relationships are really hard. Everyone has baggage they carry. Allowing the outside world transparency into your relationship is only going to add to the complicated nature love entails. When you are constantly posting about your partner and your relationship, you are inviting drama into your home. The most private details of your partnership should be between you and your mate. That’s it. Save those personal matters for your home and avoid unnecessary interference from outsiders. When you make your whole relationship open to others and social outliers, the drama that comes to you, that’s on you. Relationships are hard, don’t make them harder.

2. You know you best

   Everyone has an opinion. The thing about opinions is they are often not based on the whole story. We vent to our friends. We give them the rose colored glasses. There is nobody engaged in your everyday relationship except you and your partner. Allowing other opinions to guide your choices and actions is just going to lead you astray. It’s fine to bitch and moan and ask for advice, but don’t allow those to be your truth. You know you best, that is your guiding light.

3. Expectations are everywhere

   Society has expectations around everything. Depending on your life stage, age, length of time you’ve been dating (the list goes on) - society has an expectation. If you’ve been together 3 years, why aren’t you married? If you’re married, when are you having kids? As much as we try to pretend they don’t matter, those expectations weigh on us. WHY aren’t I married? WHEN will I get pregnant? Back to #1, relationships are hard, don’t let society make them harder by forcing you into expectations you don’t have for yourself.

4. None of your business

   Straight talk - my relationships are not your business. I owe you nothing. I own my story and the relationships in my life and they are for me to dictate. That’s my power. It’s my life. It’s truly none of your business.

I’m dating. I’m not dating. I’m talking to someone. I’m talking to multiple people. I’m talking to nobody. I’m in a relationship. I’m single. I’m all of these things at any given moment since I began this journey. I will continue to write about my experiences. It’s an avenue for me to grow and learn and I value the relationships I build with my readers. But honestly, you’ll probably think I’m single until I announce I’ve gotten married on a mountain in Portugal one Summer. Part of my growing and building self love is owning my love life as mine and mine only. There is no power greater than being able to own your story for yourself because first and foremost, the most important relationship you will ever have is with yourself. 

Send Nudes.

In 2016 - dating is really hard.  It's swiping right or left, strategic games, and endless requests for nudes. 

I'm a modern woman.  I'm confident, independent, and I don't believe in traditional gender roles.  I do however have some really old school views when it comes to dating. 

Let's be really up front - I'm not innocent.  In no way do my opinions reflect any judgement on those who date differently.  But as I've gotten older - and more or less wiser - the way I engage in dating has changed.

I don't particularly care for online dating, apps, or any scientifically proven algorithms that will introduce me to "Mr. Right."  I have friends who have had incredible success from them, but I still carry a stigma with me that the universe doesn't want me to meet my lobster on Tinder (Bumble is classier anyways you guys...).  Sure, have I been bored and checked them out?  Absolutely.  And boy do those conversations make for some incredible laughter.  But that's all I've gotten from those interactions - laughter. 

Dating apps represent a generation of "there's always something better out there."  They stand for the ability to seek the next best thing rather than work on what's in front of you.  And that's not something I believe in.  I believe in authentic courtship.  A meet cute if you will, followed by getting to know each other and deciding to commit to each other in a relationship.  I'm not interested in dating 10 different men at once, I don't believe comparison is the best way to see what works for me.  Certainly that's an antiquated viewpoint - but its something I wholeheartedly feel I need to have a successful romantic relationship.

I'd like to take nudes off the table.  I'd like to ask that you take the time to date only me if you've got a genuine interest in our connection.  I require that if we commit to a relationship and encounter some rocky roads, you don't jump back into the dating game immediately, you take the time to work on our issues in a healthy way.  And if we can't make them work, we decide in a grown up discussion, to part ways. 

Of course I don't blame technology and I don't blame solely men for this cultural shift in dating.  It's happening throughout generations today and its the fault of both men and women equally.  It's the responsibility of the individual to make a decision on how they wish to engage in relationships and settle for nothing less.  If online dating and playing the field works for you, enjoy it.  If you're a bit more traditional, don't settle in your standards because its harder to find a partner that feels the same.  Relationships are incredibly personal, make sure you're not "doing romance" on anyone's terms but your own.  The only person you're accountable to is yourself and your partner.  And quite frankly, YOU are the number one priority in that equation.  Without a strong healthy relationship with yourself, you can't possibly find success in a teammate.

I'm single.  I used to be the girl who was always dating someone.  But then I took time for myself to work on my career and myself.  And now I finally believe I'm in a place to have a successful grown up healthy partnership.  While I don't necessarily want to go the swipe right route, I believe that my lobster is out there.  But I'm not in a hurry to find him. 

I don't want to send you any nudes.  I don't want to play games and try to figure out when to text/call/send smoke signals.  I'm not interested in worrying about when I'm supposed to get married.  I certainly don't want to force anything and I won't ever compromise in what works for me.  I'm not in it for the next best thing, I'm in it for forever.  So when I say I'm in no rush, I mean I'm not willing to risk a mistake.  I'll wait for the real deal - and then I'll send all the nudes, forever and ever amen.

Dating in 2016

I've got a new book idea.  I'm going to compile all the unwanted pictures my friends and I have received and I'm going to create a coffee table book.  Relax - we won't name names.  It's enough to know that someday you may have to play the game called "Is that yours" with your significant other. 

This is dating in 2016.  While I watch TV and Tweet, I can swipe right or left on three different apps and set up dates for the rest of the week.  I'm sorry, not dates - I can "grab a drink, hangout, chill, meet up" or any one of the other vague invitations our generation utilizes for romance.

Now call me old school, call me high maintenance - but what happened to asking a girl on a date?  From what I vaguely remember, it goes a little something like this: "Would you like to have dinner with me this Thursday?"  You may substitute dinner with a Giants game as well but the point is - ask me on a date, have a plan for an activity, set a date and time.  I'll even let this happen via text because I'd hate to be too demanding.   

Now if we vibe on said date, let's go ahead and bypass the games.  Don't worry about when you're supposed to text, how long it takes to text back, and maybe even pick up the phone and call me.  For reference, it's that little green phone button, press it and when it rings, say hello. 

Sarcasm aside - life is short.  Having a partner in life is awesome.  Skip the games, take it back to basics, and you may have a shot at the real deal.  Maybe I'm naïve but I just don't think my lobster is out there waiting to ask me to Netflix and Chill.