The Single Life

AS soon as I was old enough to realize I liked men, I spent my time flirting with, dating, and at times collecting them for my roster. From age 13 to 30 (fine, 32ish), I was not single. I might not have always been in a relationship, but I was never truly single.

In my early 30’s, I stopped working so hard to have men around me. I stopped engaging with the guys that I kept around just to feed my ego. I stopped prioritizing my worth and desirability on how many men found me so. And I started prioritizing how desirable I found myself.

Most humans probably did this when they were younger. They didn’t really date until their 20’s and by 30, settled down and got married and did the two car garage two kids thing. But I’ve never really been a conventional babe.

I’ve always had a big personality. It’s not that I’ve never expressed my bold ways. But I had been athletic, pretty, skinny, smart, funny — all the things people told me, not that I knew about myself —so I sort of just fell into those roles.

I loved a lot of those things, and they’ve helped make me the woman I am today, but I also fit myself into spaces because I thought that’s what I was supposed to do.

Dating and relationships have always been one of the bigger boxes to fit into for me. I’ve really struggled with retraining my brain to break from the ideas society taught me growing up.

As independent, adventurous, and happy as I genuinely am — I cannot express enough that I absolutely have moments where I freak out because I’m single. There’s still a small part of me that says without a partner, you are less worthy.

And that’s hard for me to say out loud.

What is more common though is I’ve learned to absolutely thrive.

Learning to sit in being single has been the most rewarding (and challenging) thing I have ever done. I know who I am (and am ever evolving). I am confident in what I want and I’ve taken the time to figure out what that is, independent of anyone else’s influence.

I am also significantly more private when I do date. So private that I really don’t talk about it at all.

I think a lot of people wonder why I’ve been single so long. Being 35, people have questions. They like to ask at weddings when mine will be.

Truth be told, no idea if or when I’ll get married.

I do know that I’m the happiest I have ever been with who I am at 35. I believe all the good things people have told me about myself and I’ve even added some more that I tell myself. I care less about what other people have to say about me in general and more about what I think of myself.

I do more of what makes me comfortable and happy rather than relying on what others tell me I should do to make others comfortable and happy.

I have made myself and my full life the guiding force in everything I do.

And while that confuses some people, while others want to assume single means unhappy, that isn’t my business. Their inability to understand my life is not for me to worry about.

If one day the right person comes along and I decide to keep him longer than a few weeks, I’m very open to that. I’m more open and in a place to accept real love than I’ve ever been before. That also means I’m not willing to extend time or energy on anything or anyone that doesn’t make me feel sparkly inside.

For me, that’s the best I could ever hope for in life. It’s all I’ve ever wanted. To be happy, fulfilled, and excited to experience each day. I can honestly say that most of my days are spent feeling this way.

And while I’ve got more growing and self discovery to do, I’m pretty damn happy with where I’m at and where I’m headed. Single or not. I’ve got a whole lot of living to do.

Dating Around

It was pointed out to me recently that I quite often talk about dating and relationships in the past, but rarely discuss my present romantic status. Short answer, I know. Long answer, this is not an accident.

I am a fiercely private person. I understand that makes no sense given that I write a very public blog about some very personal things. Like all social media and online presence, I curate the experience you have by choosing what to share and what to keep to myself.

Growing up, I was a very open person about who I was dating. You could easily tell my status at any given time because I’ve probably posted about it on all my social media platforms. As I’ve grown and matured, I have realized how much I value my privacy in romantic relationships. There are simply very few people I share my romantic life with.

Here’s why:

1. Relationships are hard

   Relationships are really hard. Everyone has baggage they carry. Allowing the outside world transparency into your relationship is only going to add to the complicated nature love entails. When you are constantly posting about your partner and your relationship, you are inviting drama into your home. The most private details of your partnership should be between you and your mate. That’s it. Save those personal matters for your home and avoid unnecessary interference from outsiders. When you make your whole relationship open to others and social outliers, the drama that comes to you, that’s on you. Relationships are hard, don’t make them harder.

2. You know you best

   Everyone has an opinion. The thing about opinions is they are often not based on the whole story. We vent to our friends. We give them the rose colored glasses. There is nobody engaged in your everyday relationship except you and your partner. Allowing other opinions to guide your choices and actions is just going to lead you astray. It’s fine to bitch and moan and ask for advice, but don’t allow those to be your truth. You know you best, that is your guiding light.

3. Expectations are everywhere

   Society has expectations around everything. Depending on your life stage, age, length of time you’ve been dating (the list goes on) - society has an expectation. If you’ve been together 3 years, why aren’t you married? If you’re married, when are you having kids? As much as we try to pretend they don’t matter, those expectations weigh on us. WHY aren’t I married? WHEN will I get pregnant? Back to #1, relationships are hard, don’t let society make them harder by forcing you into expectations you don’t have for yourself.

4. None of your business

   Straight talk - my relationships are not your business. I owe you nothing. I own my story and the relationships in my life and they are for me to dictate. That’s my power. It’s my life. It’s truly none of your business.

I’m dating. I’m not dating. I’m talking to someone. I’m talking to multiple people. I’m talking to nobody. I’m in a relationship. I’m single. I’m all of these things at any given moment since I began this journey. I will continue to write about my experiences. It’s an avenue for me to grow and learn and I value the relationships I build with my readers. But honestly, you’ll probably think I’m single until I announce I’ve gotten married on a mountain in Portugal one Summer. Part of my growing and building self love is owning my love life as mine and mine only. There is no power greater than being able to own your story for yourself because first and foremost, the most important relationship you will ever have is with yourself. 

The Worst Thing That Ever Happened

I'm going to be single forever.  At one point or another, most of us have said this.  If you haven't you're probably from the South and have been married since 14.  But for most of Americans today, we've had that thought of never finding "The One" cross our minds.  And really, is that the worst thing that could ever happen to you?

I love love.  I love relationships because to me marriage is the ultimate team.  But at the end of the day, if I don't get married, if I don't find my forever, that's not going to be the worst thing in the world.  Because to me, being in an unhappy partnership, an abusive relationship, or an unequal partnership are far worse than winding up alone.  Equally if not worse are things like cancer, death, severe disfigurement - but sure, single can top your list of worst things ever if ya like.

For those of you who have a deep fear of being alone - who actually do believe that its the worst thing that could ever happen to you - may I suggest that the fear could stem from not being comfortable with yourself.  This also may be why you haven't met the right person to begin with.  Should your greatest fear be winding up alone, I highly advise working on your relationship with yourself.  Because at the end of it all - if you're not happy with you and comfortable being alone - you won't ever find true happiness with anyone else.

Let's talk about how to get comfortable with realizing being single is not a disability.  It's not a sign of being a loser.  It's not a defining quality.  Being single doesn't make you less accomplished.  It's not something you have to check off in order to live your best life.

Being single is your opportunity to develop your most important relationship you will ever have - the one you have with yourself.  Because to me, the worst thing that can ever happen is being unhappy with yourself.  If at the end of this great adventure I don't find my teammate, I'm not alone and its not the worst thing that will ever happen to me.  I've got a lot of people in my corner, including myself - that make me jut as fulfilled, just as happy - and just as worthy as anyone with a wedding ring.  If I'm not happy, comfortable, and confident with myself - that truly is the worst thing that could ever happen and THAT would be my failure.

How to be Single

I recently watched the movie How to Be Single.  Yet another something cool that I'm about 10 years late discovering.  It got me thinking - in a world that trains us to constantly keep looking for the one, how do you do single?" 

I've probably gotten too comfortable being single.  I've gone from being the girl who was always in a relationship to the girl who hasn't had a serious relationship in a long time.  But for me, being single has taught me to love myself, rely on myself, and never settle in love or in life.  Taking the time to be single has made me whole on my own and ready to partner with someone who is whole on their own too.

So how do you successfully do single?  How do you be you in this world surrounded by apps and websites and constant questions about who you're dating? 

Stop Looking

You are not who you date or even who you marry.  And being in a relationship should not make you whole.  Stop searching for someone when you could be spending time searching for yourself.  When you're constantly looking for someone to complete you, you become broken.  And you force relationships, you settle.  Take time to really look at who you are and what you want in a relationship and in life.  Explore your strengths as a partner and your weaknesses.  Know what you need in a partner and what you bring to the table.  Stop looking for someone to complete you and complete your damn self.

Stop Waiting

You don't need a significant other to get out there and live life.  Travel.  Go to the movies.  Eat at the new restaurant.  Run a marathon.  Don't ever wait for life to happen, make it happen.  Whatever you've always wanted to do with "someone special", BE THAT SOMEONE.  The more I've gone out in the world and lived life on my own, the more powerful I have learned to feel.  I don't wait for a man to find me, I'm too busy finding myself.

Stop Pretending

There are so many magazines, TV shows and opinions around us that show us who we should be.  Certainly we are all guilty of hiding parts of who we really are to fit some of what society tells us is best.  But that's exhausting and its not sustainable.  And its not how we find our person.  It's impossible to have a successful relationship - to sustain the real deal if you're not acting like the real deal.  So stop pretending to be anyone but who you are when you're happiest. 

Stop Qualifying

When people ask you if you're dating anyone and you say no, don't explain.  When someone tells you "don't worry, you'll met someone" smile and move on.  Don't explain being single to anyone.  Don't qualify why you're single.  It's irrelevant, it's silly, and it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with the person asking.  You don't owe an explanation to anyone.  Anyone who asks you about who you're dating right off t he bat - instead of how you're doing, how your career is, how your travels have gone - they're probably not someone who understands you're journey anyways.  It's not up to you to explain anything to anyone but yourself.

Stop Comparing

You are uniquely you, and that is your super power.  Stop comparing your body, mind, life, all of it - to anyone else.  At the end of the day, it doesn't mean anything if someone has more money than you, is more attractive, whatever the case may be - it's not a factor on you.  These things are out of your control and they're meaningless without your power.  Don't give them power.  Celebrate the qualities that make you who you are and celebrate the qualities that make others who they are.  Stop comparing and start seeing people for the individuals they are. 

Start Loving You

Be in love with yourself.  Accept yourself.  Get in touch with where you need to grow.  Celebrate the areas you're strongest.  Be really really into yourself and who that is.  Stop brushing off compliments and stop putting yourself down.  Start saying thank you and exuding confidence.  If you don't love yourself, you can't have a successful relationship with anyone else.  Romantic, friends, family, all relationships suffer and break when you are broken.  You don't need to be perfect, but you need to love yourself for all that you are.

Start Surrounding Yourself with Powerful People

I've got a fiercely supportive home team.  They know I'm loud, sassy, and impulsive.  But they appreciate me for all that I am.  And they empower me to be me.  Get you a squad that encourages you but also calls you on your crap.  Make sure that you've got a diverse crew so that you are forced to think about life from different viewpoints.  Talk to your people.  Have real discussions, listen to what people have to say.  And don't let negative people into your bubble.  You are who you surround yourself with.  Quality over quantity every single day.

Start Keeping it Real

Never settle.  Never be afraid to speak up if something doesn't feel right.  In relationships of all kind, at work, everywhere.  Don't be afraid to say this makes me feel bad and I'm going to walk away.  I've been accused many times of being opinionated and brash - and that's probably true, but I think that's because people aren't used to someone standing up for themselves.  Instead of seeing it as an empowered person asking for what they deserve, it's often seen as bitchy or forceful.  Get over it.  It's hard to ask for what you want but its a hell of a lot harder to live a life you've settled for.

Lastly, start embracing single.  It's not a punishment, it's not some scarlet letter.  It's a phase in life that's really freaking awesome if you do it right.  Your relationship status doesn't define you.  And if you let it, that's a really sad way to miss out on your life.  Embrace relationships too if they're healthy.  The whole point - don't let any of the relationship status labels define you.  Define who you are on your own.  And celebrate the hell out of whoever you decide that is.