Dating Around

It was pointed out to me recently that I quite often talk about dating and relationships in the past, but rarely discuss my present romantic status. Short answer, I know. Long answer, this is not an accident.

I am a fiercely private person. I understand that makes no sense given that I write a very public blog about some very personal things. Like all social media and online presence, I curate the experience you have by choosing what to share and what to keep to myself.

Growing up, I was a very open person about who I was dating. You could easily tell my status at any given time because I’ve probably posted about it on all my social media platforms. As I’ve grown and matured, I have realized how much I value my privacy in romantic relationships. There are simply very few people I share my romantic life with.

Here’s why:

1. Relationships are hard

   Relationships are really hard. Everyone has baggage they carry. Allowing the outside world transparency into your relationship is only going to add to the complicated nature love entails. When you are constantly posting about your partner and your relationship, you are inviting drama into your home. The most private details of your partnership should be between you and your mate. That’s it. Save those personal matters for your home and avoid unnecessary interference from outsiders. When you make your whole relationship open to others and social outliers, the drama that comes to you, that’s on you. Relationships are hard, don’t make them harder.

2. You know you best

   Everyone has an opinion. The thing about opinions is they are often not based on the whole story. We vent to our friends. We give them the rose colored glasses. There is nobody engaged in your everyday relationship except you and your partner. Allowing other opinions to guide your choices and actions is just going to lead you astray. It’s fine to bitch and moan and ask for advice, but don’t allow those to be your truth. You know you best, that is your guiding light.

3. Expectations are everywhere

   Society has expectations around everything. Depending on your life stage, age, length of time you’ve been dating (the list goes on) - society has an expectation. If you’ve been together 3 years, why aren’t you married? If you’re married, when are you having kids? As much as we try to pretend they don’t matter, those expectations weigh on us. WHY aren’t I married? WHEN will I get pregnant? Back to #1, relationships are hard, don’t let society make them harder by forcing you into expectations you don’t have for yourself.

4. None of your business

   Straight talk - my relationships are not your business. I owe you nothing. I own my story and the relationships in my life and they are for me to dictate. That’s my power. It’s my life. It’s truly none of your business.

I’m dating. I’m not dating. I’m talking to someone. I’m talking to multiple people. I’m talking to nobody. I’m in a relationship. I’m single. I’m all of these things at any given moment since I began this journey. I will continue to write about my experiences. It’s an avenue for me to grow and learn and I value the relationships I build with my readers. But honestly, you’ll probably think I’m single until I announce I’ve gotten married on a mountain in Portugal one Summer. Part of my growing and building self love is owning my love life as mine and mine only. There is no power greater than being able to own your story for yourself because first and foremost, the most important relationship you will ever have is with yourself. 

2018 Love.

Ah yes - the generation of the swipe.  In 2018, true love is found behind our cell phones, in our sweat pants, judging people based on looks and witty profile opening lines.  What a time to be alive.

While I'm thankful dating in our generation is not what it was in the 1950's or really even the 1990's - I often long for the traditions of love's past.  

It's Valentine's Day, a time Hallmark has designated to spend our money on diamonds, chocolates, fancy dinners and awkwardly flimsy lingerie.  I'll be honest, I like V-Day.  I don't really care if you want to call it single's awareness day, propose to your significant other, or choose to boycott it's corporate significance.  I'm into the shiny things and I like to celebrate love.  

I'm 32, a lot of my friends are married, in serious relationships, or worried about finding the one.  And it's got me reflecting on dating in 2018 and how much it kind of sucks.  

I'm not blaming men, I'm not blaming women - I'm not generally a fan of blaming anyone unless we can accompany that with some solutions.  But generationally, because we rely so much on technology, we have become to rely on that same technology for human relationships.

The thing is - technology does not account for human feelings, interactions, or flaws.  You can fill out a profile, swipe right - do all the things technology swears by in order to provide you your soulmate but at the end of the day, it can still fail.

There's no science to love.  No magic formula.  And in a world where we put so much effort into the technology of dating, I think we are missing out on organic love.  Because we can so easily find the next best mate, our choice to give up on what's in front of us becomes the go to move.

Relationships are not easy.  There is no perfect partner.  I'm not saying put up with abuse, in fact, never put up with any form of abuse, ever.  But there's something to be said for understanding that love ain't easy.  You will not always be happy in your relationship.  You will not always like your partner.  But you should understand the compromise that needs to happen, the effort that maintaining a lifetime takes, and be committed to your mate because despite those real life problems, that's your chosen lover.  

Every day, you have to choose each other.  The love I admire the most in life are the people who go through all the things life throws at them and every day they wake up and they say I choose you because we are a team and I don't want to swipe right on someone else just because we've had a few bumps in the road.  

In 2018 dating is hard.  I don't really know anyone who meets anyone organically anymore.  I think it takes more work to find a mate in 2018.  An actual commitment to finding someone you can stand for a long period of time.  Whether I like it or not, I'm probably going to have to succumb and stick with this online dating business to find some viable options.  

Dating in 2018 is weird.  Its the guy who asks you when you'll have sex with a new partner within the first 20 minutes of the first date.  It's the guy who doesn't believe women should work.  It's the guy who takes you on a bar crawl and does shots for your initial meeting.  But it's also reconnecting with acquaintances you look at differently.  It's men who take you on a hunt to find the best mac n cheese in Texas.  It's the guy you meet at a friend's party who nervously asks if you'd like to go to dinner.  

We can blame dating today on technology, and we aren't wrong.  But does that mean love isn't out there?  It doesn't.  It means dating is a little different, a little more work - but it's still worth it if for your life means finding a teammate to do all the bumps in the road with.  So love in 2018, it's kind of a nightmare, but so am I sometimes, and at the end of the day, I'm also one hell of a catch.

Send Nudes.

In 2016 - dating is really hard.  It's swiping right or left, strategic games, and endless requests for nudes. 

I'm a modern woman.  I'm confident, independent, and I don't believe in traditional gender roles.  I do however have some really old school views when it comes to dating. 

Let's be really up front - I'm not innocent.  In no way do my opinions reflect any judgement on those who date differently.  But as I've gotten older - and more or less wiser - the way I engage in dating has changed.

I don't particularly care for online dating, apps, or any scientifically proven algorithms that will introduce me to "Mr. Right."  I have friends who have had incredible success from them, but I still carry a stigma with me that the universe doesn't want me to meet my lobster on Tinder (Bumble is classier anyways you guys...).  Sure, have I been bored and checked them out?  Absolutely.  And boy do those conversations make for some incredible laughter.  But that's all I've gotten from those interactions - laughter. 

Dating apps represent a generation of "there's always something better out there."  They stand for the ability to seek the next best thing rather than work on what's in front of you.  And that's not something I believe in.  I believe in authentic courtship.  A meet cute if you will, followed by getting to know each other and deciding to commit to each other in a relationship.  I'm not interested in dating 10 different men at once, I don't believe comparison is the best way to see what works for me.  Certainly that's an antiquated viewpoint - but its something I wholeheartedly feel I need to have a successful romantic relationship.

I'd like to take nudes off the table.  I'd like to ask that you take the time to date only me if you've got a genuine interest in our connection.  I require that if we commit to a relationship and encounter some rocky roads, you don't jump back into the dating game immediately, you take the time to work on our issues in a healthy way.  And if we can't make them work, we decide in a grown up discussion, to part ways. 

Of course I don't blame technology and I don't blame solely men for this cultural shift in dating.  It's happening throughout generations today and its the fault of both men and women equally.  It's the responsibility of the individual to make a decision on how they wish to engage in relationships and settle for nothing less.  If online dating and playing the field works for you, enjoy it.  If you're a bit more traditional, don't settle in your standards because its harder to find a partner that feels the same.  Relationships are incredibly personal, make sure you're not "doing romance" on anyone's terms but your own.  The only person you're accountable to is yourself and your partner.  And quite frankly, YOU are the number one priority in that equation.  Without a strong healthy relationship with yourself, you can't possibly find success in a teammate.

I'm single.  I used to be the girl who was always dating someone.  But then I took time for myself to work on my career and myself.  And now I finally believe I'm in a place to have a successful grown up healthy partnership.  While I don't necessarily want to go the swipe right route, I believe that my lobster is out there.  But I'm not in a hurry to find him. 

I don't want to send you any nudes.  I don't want to play games and try to figure out when to text/call/send smoke signals.  I'm not interested in worrying about when I'm supposed to get married.  I certainly don't want to force anything and I won't ever compromise in what works for me.  I'm not in it for the next best thing, I'm in it for forever.  So when I say I'm in no rush, I mean I'm not willing to risk a mistake.  I'll wait for the real deal - and then I'll send all the nudes, forever and ever amen.