We're Waiting

I am so proud to see women everywhere speaking up. Women are demanding equality, refusing to be complacent with abuse, and we are not backing down. But the thing is, women are always speaking up. It’s just usually for everyone else. What I’d like to see is men speaking up for the women they love and receive so much support from.

Women are the strongest human beings on the planet. We can do anything. And yet, we shouldn’t have to do everything.

I want to see men speak up. I’m waiting for men to say you shouldn’t have to do this alone.

When it comes to abortion, sexual assault, workplace equality - it takes two to tango. There are men involved and affected. Speak up.

Say my partner had an abortion and it was the best thing for me too. This girl I had a one night stand with got pregnant and she chose to have an abortion and I support her right to choose what to do with her body because SHE and ONLY she knows what is best for that body.

Tell us about a time you probably pressured someone into doing more than they intended to, and say I’m sorry, I was wrong. If you see someone groping a woman in a bar, stop it. At work, if a woman is being treated unfairly, say so. Don’t interrupt women in meetings. Ensure you have women at work and that those women have a voice.

Speak up.

And stop pretending it is scary to do so.

Nobody knows the right thing to say. ASK. Ask how you can be an ally. Ask what can I do if I see this happen and how can I best show that I am on your team and you matter.

Get involved.

Have open conversations with women around you. Listen to how they feel. Be willing to accept honest feedback regarding your own behaviors. Actively work to change any attitudes or actions that do not promote equality or safe environments for women.

Like any marginalized group, women need allies. We need brave men who are willing to be advocates for our journey. Just as POC need white people to say whoa fellow white people, we are a problem in these ways and here’s how I plan to be better - women need men to do the same.

Is it easy? Nope. But thank your privilege you have the ability to choose whether or not to speak up, we do not have that luxury. Acknowledge that privilege. And then get over it and get to work.

Do the women in your life matter? They should. They are human beings. Do the women in your world inspire you? They should, they’re changing the world. Do the future women in your life motivate you to be a better man? They should, they are our future.

Women are mothers and CEO’s and Doctors and teachers and caregivers and partners and world class athletes and friends and most importantly, human beings deserving of an equal shot at this life we are living.

Show them you not only believe that, but you’re willing to talk about it until it becomes a reality.

Toxic Masculinity

Sexual harassment and the way in which men behave have been such a hot topic in the media.  Between locker room culture and the good ole boys club, there is a movement to really define what toxic masculinity is and how we change the way in which our boys and men are interacting with women and each other.  

What is toxic masculinity?  I'm not sure anyone has truly defined it to the level that we have an acceptable understanding of its meaning.  In general terms, It refers to the socially-constructed attitudes that describe the masculine gender role as violent, unemotional, sexually aggressive, etc.  

With so many incidents of workplace sexual harassment, experiences of women at festivals, and recent acts of violence attributed to men identifying their source of anger as women - there's a lot to  talk about.  And its quite the prickly, sticky, sensitive topic at that.

I hate the idea of classifying men into groups like locker room talk and good ole boys club.  It does a disservice to a lot of men and sets the standard for their behavior pretty dang low.  It excuses behavior as being an inherent trait someone is born with due to their gender.  

The simple fact is that most women experience some level of toxic masculinity at some point in their life.  I'll go so far to say that a lot of us expect it and accept it as part of the burden of being a woman.  It's the brushing up against you in crowded spaces, the unwanted touching, the bold and crass jokes, and certainly the escalation to physical and sexual violence.

So why is toxic masculinity such a pervasive problem?  I know a lot of really good men in the world, so its not a men are awful problem.  It stems from the environment in which our men are raised.  If men aren't taught at a young age to be mindful of the way in which they speak about and to (and treat) women, they become part of the problem.  

As always, I believe education is the root of the solution.  We need to start the conversation with men young.  Teach them as children to keep their hands to themselves and to not be bullies.  In middle school and in high school, start the discussion around consent.  And I believe it should me mandatory to attend an educational seminar around sexual assault and the culture of college life when a student enters the University.  

There's also a serious need for personal accountability.  I would argue that a very large number of men are very aware of what is right and what is wrong.  Holding yourself accountable for the way in which you speak and act is critical for making a change.  And when you're in a group with other men, practice "see something, say something."  

If ever you're confused about what's right, what's wrong, and what crosses the line - have an open dialogue.  It's incredibly difficult to make sense of it all and I'm willing to have the discussion with you should you want to know what it feels like to be a woman in various situations.  

More and more, people are speaking up.  Women are saying "this is not okay, I do not feel okay."  More men are saying "that's not funny, and it's not acceptable."  

The only way we are going to combat toxic masculinity and change our culture is by educating the masses, having the open conversations, and speaking up when something isn't right.

We owe it to each other as human beings to do more and to be better.

For more information, check out Teen Vogue's Wellness Wednesday with Vera Papisova and my personal favorite - Dr. Kevin Gilliland where they addressed this very topic.

As always, do yourself a favor and be aware and informed about the implications of what's happening in the world.  Social awareness is such an important part of our lives and you can never do enough to learn about how other people in the world experience their daily lives.  Diversity and gettign out of our comfort zone is how we are eventually going to get to the equality we deserve.

The Wave

Unless you're living under a rock, you're aware of the wave of sexual harassment and assault allegations in the news.  It seems like every day another high profile man is being accused (and often proven) to be someone who has participated in sexual harassment or assault.  

As someone who has unfortunately experienced both - I feel torn by the number of women and men coming forward.  

I am proud of the victims for coming forward.

I am relieved we are talking about something that is not uncommon.

I cringe because I know the pressure on these victims to prove what they have gone through

I am scared that most likely, some of these accusers are lying and thus setting the rest of us back.

I have been a victim of sexual harassment and sexual assault.  More than once.  While I am more comfortable discussing the sexual harassment I have faced both in my daily life and at the office, I haven't even talked about the assault to my family.  I did not report it.  I still do not feel comfortable talking about it.  And I am not alone.

I've worked in sports most of my life.  I'm generally at home in environments that are a little less business formal and a little more frat party.  It takes a lot to offend me.  And it's damn near impossible to make me feel uncomfortable.  

But when I am confronted at my hotel room by a drunk colleague, sent sexual text messages by the President of my company, and had my chest grabbed at a bar - I feel violated.  

When I am told to wear a low cut top to a meeting with all men, that the best part about watching me at practice is my boobs bouncing, and having a deal fall through because I wouldn't go out with the owner - I feel devalued.  

Sexual harassment, the PTSD from it, the stress of having to relive it - to prove it happened - to explain why it is a big deal - it's all very real.  

The fear of when to come forward, how to come forward, what's going to happen when you do - it's all very real.

A lot of being a victim is feeling things in waves.  You feel shame.  You question your experience.  You feel brave enough to speak up.  You feel fear for what that results in.  You feel proud for standing up for your worth.  You feel everything.  It's highs and lows and everything in between.  I haven't gotten off of that wave yet, I'm not sure I ever will.

For once, I'm not here to prove a point.  I don't aim to change anyone's mind.  If you don't believe in the seriousness of sexual harassment - if you don't understand the defining principle behind sexual assault - I cannot help you.  If the battle you choose to fight is to prove these women wrong when the evidence shows otherwise - there's not much hope for you to begin with.  

I don't know what my driving message is or my call to action.  I haven't been able to tell my entire story nor heal from how that story has changed my path, who am I to provide anyone with a solution?  I'll leave you with this -- 

Keep your hands to yourself.  If it feels wrong, it is.  If you have to justify your actions, they were wrong.

Raise your tiny humans to do better, be better, and act better.  Challenge yourself to be kinder, respect each other more, and listen to learn.  Choose to surround yourself with people who value human decency, challenge the status quo, and force you to leave others better than you found them.

The Breakup Debate. A Memoir.

I've had an internal debate for most of my life regarding dating, men, and how to respond when they do shitty things.  Essentially - you've got two options:

1. Ghost
2. Confront

Now historically I think women are taught to be caregivers and to give men a lot of slack when it comes to doing things that aren't ok.  We are taught to say it's ok when its not and that if we call a man out we are bitches.

But I think there's also something to be said for simply walking away from an unhealthy situation.  To move forward and to take care of yourself.

Traditionally I have played the role of the ghost.  I mean I've completely moved states to avoid relationships and commitment so it's not surprising that when someone treats me poorly, I generally just disappear.  I'll delete your number, remove you from social media - RIP you no longer exist to me.  And I'm not the girl who gives in and texts you - we will literally never speak again.  If you reach out - I'll do everything possible to end the contact as quickly as humanly possible.  If you show me I don't matter to you - I am very easily able to say you no longer mean anything to me. 

But recently - I've had the urge to call men on their shenanigans.  Because I'm a grown up.  And I'm a good human being.  I'm kind to others, I'm a good partner, and a phenomenal catch.  And I don't deserve your crap.

My two most recent relationships/whatever the hell that last one was have been exact opposites in terms of how I've handled the ending.  The first one - I was very honest about the lack of maturity and really crappy way he handled the situation.  And that was what I needed to have full closure and realize we never should have dated.  Months - we are talking MONTHS later - he reached back out to apologize which turned into him making excuses for the way he acted.  And I let him say what he needed to say, wished him well - and we haven't spoken since. 

The second whatever - because it was one of those - IDK what this is slash WTF is even happening - I've ghosted.  He was a really important friend to me and someone who for the first time I started to open up to and place trust in.  And then he did a 180 and created a really bad situation.  He abused the friendship and for me - when you break the respect of a friendship, that's it for the relationship.  But I've said nothing.  I've gone full ghost and have zero intentions of changing that.   

Yea ok - there's a lot of factors coming into how to handle these things.  Length of relationship.  Were you friends before.  What did they do.  It's a scientific strategy really.  And I can spend hours arguing for both sides.  But ultimately - I think it's what makes you feel good.  Someone treated you like a burnt brownie and you don't deserve that - you're a cupcake with sprinkles.  If you need to say excuse me - that wasn't cool asshole - SAY IT.  If the way you heal is to move forward without a word - go head girlfriend - you ghost like the wind. 

Now this is where I ask your advice - and then if I hate it - I'll ignore it because I don't need that kind of negativity in my life.

I pose some questions:

What do you think is the best way to handle when your partner does you wrong?  Do you ghost?  Do you confront?  Do you create a mix of the two?  I don't know what the right action is, probably depends on a myriad of factors realistically. Hit me with your best words of wisdom my sequins!

The Perfect Man

I told you some qualities that I look for to tell me "He's not the one."  Recently I was asked what kinds of qualities I look for in the "Perfect Man."  This obviously means men are just lining up waiting to know if they fit my ideal BAE.  Well gentlemen - its your lucky day because I'm going to give you some of the things that pique my interest. 

• Let's just get the shallowness out of the way first: Tall, Athletic, Tall.  But is he tall?
• Educated: this doesn't have to mean a college degree.  But he needs to be intelligent, aware of the world around him, and can have a real conversation
• Family man: Not awkwardly close, like maybe don't be living in your mom's basement, but has a healthy and strong bond with his family
• Has a job: And not as a promoter, bartender, "model," bar manager - basically please have an actual job and career aspirations.  You don't need to be CEO but you do need to be working hard in a career you're passionate about and looking towards your future.
• Laugh.  Be funny, make me laugh.  And in general, value humor. Dry, sarcastic humor - bonus points.
• Be well traveled.  And not because you've been to spring break in Cancun.  Travel for culture, for experience, to know you're a small piece of an incredibly large world.
• Manners.  I'm old school.  I was raised around men who open doors, wont let me walk on the side of the street closest to traffic, and who genuinely believe in respecting women and other people.  If you treat strangers with disrespect, your mom with disrespect - I don't respect you.
• Sports.  I love sports.  I know what I'm talking about when it comes to sports.  You should love sports too and respect that I can hold a conversation with you about sports.  I was a D1 athlete - so its not cute that I know a few things, its knowledge.
• Keep me in check.  I'm a pistol.  I'm sassy.  I'm a lot.  The right man understands that, values my independent nature - but also calls me out when I've gone too far. 
• Have hobbies: I read a lot.  I like to cook.  I love being outdoors and going on adventures. I love watching college football.  I'm crafty.  I like puppies more than people. My dreamboat has hobbies outside of drinking and playing video games.  Bonus round?  If you can cook.  Because I can eat.  A lot.
• Open minded: Have strong opinions that are researched and real.  But don't ever stop listening, learning, and having compassion.  The world is evolving, you should be open to whatever comes next. 
• Be a grown up: No games. Real grown men don't play games.  They know a good woman when they meet one and they won't risk losing her to play games.  You will always lose the game with me because I'll walk away.
• Team: Be ready to be part of a team.  I'm rooting for you, you're rooting for me.  We are in this thing as a TEAM.

Gentlemen - send in your applications.  And be aware I reserve the right to add, subtract or edit these terms and conditions.  Next - we will choose our top three candidates and vote on who I should date.  This will be moderated by the great Greg Esposito.  with his background in professional sports - as well as his ability to pick himself a wonderful woman - he is the chosen one for this task.

If you think I'm kidding - I dare you to test me.  PLAY BALL!

...If we get zero candidates, Ill still eventually make this voting on my next boyfriend thing happen because it sounds incredibly funny and I promised Espo I would.

Dating in 2016

I've got a new book idea.  I'm going to compile all the unwanted pictures my friends and I have received and I'm going to create a coffee table book.  Relax - we won't name names.  It's enough to know that someday you may have to play the game called "Is that yours" with your significant other. 

This is dating in 2016.  While I watch TV and Tweet, I can swipe right or left on three different apps and set up dates for the rest of the week.  I'm sorry, not dates - I can "grab a drink, hangout, chill, meet up" or any one of the other vague invitations our generation utilizes for romance.

Now call me old school, call me high maintenance - but what happened to asking a girl on a date?  From what I vaguely remember, it goes a little something like this: "Would you like to have dinner with me this Thursday?"  You may substitute dinner with a Giants game as well but the point is - ask me on a date, have a plan for an activity, set a date and time.  I'll even let this happen via text because I'd hate to be too demanding.   

Now if we vibe on said date, let's go ahead and bypass the games.  Don't worry about when you're supposed to text, how long it takes to text back, and maybe even pick up the phone and call me.  For reference, it's that little green phone button, press it and when it rings, say hello. 

Sarcasm aside - life is short.  Having a partner in life is awesome.  Skip the games, take it back to basics, and you may have a shot at the real deal.  Maybe I'm naïve but I just don't think my lobster is out there waiting to ask me to Netflix and Chill.