Diary of An Anxious Person, Again.

A much anticipated update on my anxiety.  This ones a new one for me.  I thought I was doing really well.  Thriving even.  But both my psychiatrist and therapist (it takes a village ya'll) pointed out that I've actually been compartmentalizing everything instead of letting myself deal with it.  

So while I thought I was over here growing and managing my mental health, I have been in fact been doing the opposite.  Womp, womp.  

This became especially evident to me a few weeks ago when I went from feeling at ease 98% of the time to all the sudden feeling overwhelmed, emotional, and exhausted.  

While explaining to my psychiatrist how exhausted I've been and how unmotivated I've felt, she broke down everything I'd been dealing with in the past month.  And she asked how I expected not to be exhausted from any one of those things, let alone all of them at one time?  

It truly stopped me in my tracks.  And the more I took inventory of each thing, the more I understood I had been pushing them aside instead of facing them head on.  

I have a feeling I'm not the only person who does this.  It's probably quite common for Type A folks in the world.  We are in constant survive and thrive mode so we set aside the pain or the problem to focus on the end goal.

How do we stop it?

Take Inventory

Check in with yourself.  And seriously check in.  Be honest about how you feel and what's weighing on your mind.  Are you acting differently?  Is your routine different?  When's the last time you took time to do nothing?  When did you last practice self care?

When I got honest with myself I realized I was extra busy lately.  I wasn't taking time for self care.  I wasn't sleeping.  I was sad and exhausted.  I didn't want to be around people.  All signs of me not being my normal sparkly self.  

Commit to Serious Self Care

Figure out what self care looks like for you.  Is it reading?  A workout?  Time with friends?  Walks on a trail?  Sleep?  Figure out what calms you and resets you and leaves you feeling your best.

I suck at self care.  I'll think I've had a nice relaxing me weekend and then reflect back and really all I did was run errands and take care of life chores.  I don't sit still, I constantly work, and then I'll be like "why am I so exhausted?"  Because you're an idiot and did NO SELF CARE ASHLEY.  Be honest again, are you taking care of yourself or half assing it?

Talk to Your Circle

Ask your friends if they're noticing that you're acting different.  Ask them how they see you taking care of yourself.  Talk to them openly n a safe space to give you their observations of you.

I didn't really take all of this seriously - even after medical professionals told me - until a close friend approached me about it.  She said I was acting different, I wasn't taking care of myself, and she was concerned.  Having someone I talk to all day and see throughout the week tell me they observed these things really opened my eyes.  

Mental health is so critical.  I can't say it enough, get help.  Get in tune with yourself.  Prioritize your mental health.  You've got one life.  Don't waste it in a dark place for very long.  Do the work to get the most out of this awesome world we live in.  

Diaries of My Anxiety Part 328632

It's been quite some time since I updated you on the adventures of my anxiety.  Oddly - I don't feel like I've been living my best life and yet my anxiety has been a lot more in control than I can ever remember it being.  And here's why:

• Consistent therapy
• The right medications
• Boundaries
• Self Care

Therapy

Due to my crazy schedule, I don't always get to therapy weekly.  But I never miss more than once week.  That is my rule.  Therapy has provided me such a safe space.  It gives my very analytical mind a third party with no skin in the game to bounce my anxious thoughts off of.  My therapist is a good fit for me because I feel comfortable enough not to do anything but be myself.  I'm honest, open, and I don't justify anything.  Therapy is such a critical tool in my arsenal because it helps me to view myself and my problems in a way that I maybe had not seen before.

The Right Medications

I had never seen a psychiatrist until I moved  to Texas.  In Texas, you have to see a psychiatrist in order to be prescribed with mental health medications.  And what a difference it has made.  I've been on one form or another of antianxiety or depression medication since I was a teenager.  But I never felt quite right with what I had been on.  Seeing a psychiatrist has entirely changed that.  She understands I don't want to be controlled by medications and that I'm willing to put in a little more work to not rely on them.  If you're  taking medications to help your mental health - make sure you are educated and involved in what you're being prescribed.

Boundaries

I talk a lot about boundaries.  And I used to think I was pretty decent at setting them.  Turns out, I'm not.  I let people take advantage of me in my personal and professional lives.  Until recently.  I've almost become a bit ruthless in the way that I set boundaries now.  If I'm burnt out at work, I say no to new assignments.  I simply refuse to travel.  I am vocal about my exhaustion.  And while one day, it may bite me - it's worth it.  In my personal life, if friendships exhaust me, I pull away.  If relationships aren't providing me joy, I leave.  Certainly I have moments of weakness, but having the power within me to say no - is absolutely fueling my confidence.

Self Care

I am pretty bad at self care.  I always used to think I was practicing it but until my therapist sat down with me and showed me examples of self care - and then told me that I can create my own version of self care - I was wrong.  Self care should be practiced daily.  Not once a week, not burning out until I need an entire weekend of it.  Daily.  So that's what I do.  I take time each day to really do things that I know reset me.  Whether that be working out, watching TV, talking to friends, writing - whatever - I do it.  And I don't explain myself when I cancel other plans to put me first.

My anxiety is and always will be a constant battle.  I'm going to feel incredible for periods of time, and utterly hopeless others.  I hope that what I have to say and share when it comes to my anxiety helps inspire you to take control of whatever mental health struggle you have in life.  Because it is possible to live your best life with anxiety or depression - or whatever it is you struggle with.  It's extra work, but nothing worth it ever comes easy.