The Body Exhibit

I have always struggled with body image. Whether I am 98lbs and 4% body fat or 150lbs and 312% body fat, I’ve always been very critical about my body. As an athlete, your body is your “money maker.” t’s your worth. It’s what gets you a win, a scholarship, it is your main source of success.

Because of that, I have always placed a lot of my value in how my body looks and feels. But I’m 33 now and I’m not an athlete. My metabolism isn’t the same and when I have an off month, it shows up on my body. I know that I naturally do have good metabolism, a whole lot of muscle memory and certainly my wonderful curves are nothing to be ashamed of - but I still get really insecure.

It does not matter what body type you are, we are all taught to want something different.

I think as I get older, I do start to care less about what others think and love myself for everything I am. I’ve been through a lot, my body specifically, and I have respect for it and all that it has provided me.

And here’s something I’ve started to tell myself - you don’t owe a body type to anyone.

I blossomed early. The Summer between junior and senior year I got boobs. Big boobs. And yet I was still about 98lbs. Obviously that didn’t go unnoticed. I had always had a butt (shout out to my Portuguese family!) so adding in more curves and still being super thin with muscles really just added to the attention I was getting. From a very early age, I associated my value with not only my appearance but my body. And that’s something that has carried with me throughout my life.

Having to unlearn all of that has been really hard.

Ultimately I think everyone has body image issues but in general it is something women deal with a lot more. I hate that as a woman who is super supportive of other women not being defined by appearance - I’ve allowed myself to be defined by it.

Tree of trust, I am a whole lot of other magical things that have nothing to do with my body. It’s really understandable however that a lot of my insecurities are wrapped up in my body and appearance. My traumas are body related and being sexualized at a young age has forced me to live in that headspace.

I don’t want to live there anymore. And I sincerely don’t want to be so hard on myself for how I look. I do not owe a body type to anyone. All I owe is a healthy and happy body to myself.

And I owe being a positive resource for myself. I deserve to love myself, love my body, and to respect it.

Look, this isn’t an easy journey. I’ve got to unpack and relearn a whole lot.

But I would like to be that for myself moving forward. Because being happy with myself has nothing to do with anyone but me.

Love Me Some Me

Recently there is a movement for self love. And that’s a movement I am here for. As someone who spent years unsure of who she was and who still continues to struggle to show myself the love I so freely give others, I deeply appreciate this moment in time.

I love love. I love celebrating Valentine’s Day. I’m here for the engagement announcements, the weddings, the new relationship love - all of it is such a positive time. I’m here for celebrating love. And the love I want to celebrate most of all in life is self love.

For the 300th time, because I’ve certainly written about this before, if you do not love yourself, you will not have a successful relationship with anyone else. You may find a mate, marry them, spend the rest of your life with them - but unless you’re also deeply in love with yourself, that forever love is not at its best.

Self love is a constantly evolving process. I don’t know many people who feel rainbows and unicorns about themselves 100% of the time. I certainly have my off days and I think that’s ok. You can’t be on 100% of the time. But if most of the days you can say I love who I am, that’s a huge win.

For me, the first step in learning to love myself was to get honest with myself. I had to first drop all of the lies I told myself and I had to write down what I don’t love about who I am. For example, when I was in my 20’s and single, I would tell myself I loved that life. The truth? I wasn’t comfortable being single. I pretended to enjoy it but I was not happy without a partner, which is why I was always talking to or dating someone. Now, I’m very comfortable single because I understand that having a good relationship is what counts. Being single doesn’t make me less than like I thought it once did.

Writing down the things I dislike about myself is still to this day a really powerful thing for me. It’s saying out loud the pieces I think are awful. And then it’s understanding WHY I feel that way. Because a lot of those things are actually absurd or they’re things that others love about me. When you write these things out, they’re tangible and you’re forced to dive into perspective. I’m most often able to easily eliminate a few of those by simply working through the feelings behind the insecurity. And the rest, I take to therapy or I work on how I can adjust them to not be a daily hindrance to my self love.

Another example - I’ve been an athlete my entire life. That means a lot of my self worth is directly connected to my body. Having to train sometimes 4-5 hours a day, meant that for most of my life, I had a pretty dang bangin bod. I also am blessed to have great metabolism. But when I stopped being a competitive athlete, hit 30, didn’t always eat as healthy - my body shape changed. I’m not 130 pounds of pure muscle anymore. I’m curvy, sometimes I’d dare say I feel chubby. Body dysmorphia is something I’ve struggled with on and off since I can remember. I have to remind myself often that my body has been through a lot. And it’s given me some of the best moments of my life. And I make myself thankful for those things. I’m extra mindful when I’m not body positive and I do things that make me feel good about myself. I do fitness activities that make me feel confident. I don’t workout to punish myself, I workout because it’s something I love to do. I’ll change my diet to be a little healthier. And I cut myself a break during Holidays or vacations when I indulge more. I am patient with myself.

Something that is also really helpful for me is to write on post its things I love about myself and leave the notes around my home, car, and office where they’ll serve as reminders throughout the day. It’s silly and may not work for you, but I’m easily motivated. When I read these positive reinforcements I think to myself - HELL YEA YOU ARE! If I really need some love, I’ll ask my friends to tell me what they love most about me. Often times our friends love the quirks about us that we may even consider negative. Again, perspective helps.

I hope this Valentine’s Day you’re celebrating lots of love with the people around you that you love. I hope you see this day as a day for everyone, more specifically and most importantly - for YOU. Celebrate your love with those most important to you, but celebrate the most important relationship (the one with yourself) FIRST.

Happy hearts and love day sequins!

Diaries of My Anxiety Part 328632

It's been quite some time since I updated you on the adventures of my anxiety.  Oddly - I don't feel like I've been living my best life and yet my anxiety has been a lot more in control than I can ever remember it being.  And here's why:

• Consistent therapy
• The right medications
• Boundaries
• Self Care

Therapy

Due to my crazy schedule, I don't always get to therapy weekly.  But I never miss more than once week.  That is my rule.  Therapy has provided me such a safe space.  It gives my very analytical mind a third party with no skin in the game to bounce my anxious thoughts off of.  My therapist is a good fit for me because I feel comfortable enough not to do anything but be myself.  I'm honest, open, and I don't justify anything.  Therapy is such a critical tool in my arsenal because it helps me to view myself and my problems in a way that I maybe had not seen before.

The Right Medications

I had never seen a psychiatrist until I moved  to Texas.  In Texas, you have to see a psychiatrist in order to be prescribed with mental health medications.  And what a difference it has made.  I've been on one form or another of antianxiety or depression medication since I was a teenager.  But I never felt quite right with what I had been on.  Seeing a psychiatrist has entirely changed that.  She understands I don't want to be controlled by medications and that I'm willing to put in a little more work to not rely on them.  If you're  taking medications to help your mental health - make sure you are educated and involved in what you're being prescribed.

Boundaries

I talk a lot about boundaries.  And I used to think I was pretty decent at setting them.  Turns out, I'm not.  I let people take advantage of me in my personal and professional lives.  Until recently.  I've almost become a bit ruthless in the way that I set boundaries now.  If I'm burnt out at work, I say no to new assignments.  I simply refuse to travel.  I am vocal about my exhaustion.  And while one day, it may bite me - it's worth it.  In my personal life, if friendships exhaust me, I pull away.  If relationships aren't providing me joy, I leave.  Certainly I have moments of weakness, but having the power within me to say no - is absolutely fueling my confidence.

Self Care

I am pretty bad at self care.  I always used to think I was practicing it but until my therapist sat down with me and showed me examples of self care - and then told me that I can create my own version of self care - I was wrong.  Self care should be practiced daily.  Not once a week, not burning out until I need an entire weekend of it.  Daily.  So that's what I do.  I take time each day to really do things that I know reset me.  Whether that be working out, watching TV, talking to friends, writing - whatever - I do it.  And I don't explain myself when I cancel other plans to put me first.

My anxiety is and always will be a constant battle.  I'm going to feel incredible for periods of time, and utterly hopeless others.  I hope that what I have to say and share when it comes to my anxiety helps inspire you to take control of whatever mental health struggle you have in life.  Because it is possible to live your best life with anxiety or depression - or whatever it is you struggle with.  It's extra work, but nothing worth it ever comes easy.

Headphones On.

As much as I've always been perceived as someone with supreme confidence, I do have moments of weakness where I worry about what other people think of me.  At work, in the family, with friends - I'll get stuck in a what do they really think of me phase and what I have started to remind myself is:

"What other people think of me, is none of my business"

Let that sink in.  We often talk about things that are nobody else's business but what about the things that are none of your business?  For the most part, what other people think of you has a whole lot more to do with them than it does you.  And regardless of who you are, chances are, someone has said something unkind about you.  At work, in our personal lives - its human nature to have opinions about other people.  Realistically, know those things aren't going to aid you in being a better you.  So make them none of your business.

In the workplace, I am a force.  I have incredibly high standards for myself and quite frankly, not everyone has the same standards for themselves.  That makes me a target for people who can't or don't want to keep up.  

On social media, I am vocal.  I have strong opinions regarding social and political issues and I'm not afraid to stand up for those opinions.  That makes me a target for people who love to argue.

In my personal life, I am a firecracker.  I'm the loudest person in the group and I'm always talking.  That makes me a target for people who aren't as spirited.  

I'm not a blend into the world type of human.  I've had a lot of people say a lot of really awful things about me in every facet of life.  Sometimes I let it get to me, but more often than not I understand that when you're someone who reuses to fade into the crowd, a lot of people are going to try and bring you down.  Let them.  That's none of your business.

"Lions don't concern themselves with the opinions of sheep."

It's the most cliché quote in the whole book when it comes to gossip - but it's something I repeat to myself as often as possible.  The real leaders, the dreamers that turn into doers, the best people - they're kind, they're focused, and they know that what other people say about them, is none of their damn business.

Boys Would Like Me More If...

I cannot count how many times I've heard a woman say this and follow it with something wrong with herself.  It's bigger boobs, skinnier, different hair, better clothes - its a million different things that women are bred to believe they need in order to attract men.  I've said it myself when I was younger - I needed to be more something or less something in order to find a man.   And while I'm well aware this is not isolated to women - a lot of women have felt this doubt.  

The truth is - boys probably would like you more if you were a little more X and a little less Y.  But MEN - men will love you for the unique qualities that make you who you are.  And as a grown woman in the world - YOU need to take responsibility for loving you as you are, and expecting this.  

I think it's true of anyone - male or female - that society puts a lot of pressure on us to be a lot of things.  I hear many of my peers still questioning who they are and why they're not a magnet for the opposite sex.  And that makes me really sad and quite frankly bored.

Confidence in who you are and what you bring to the table is not easy.  But I can promise you - the reason that you are single is not because you are too fat, too thin, too loud, too whatever - you're single because you have no idea who you are or how to love you for all that means.  

If you do not love you, nobody else can love you.  #Science

Remembering Yourself.

In an entire sitting on a flight to New York I read Ashley Grahams new book: A New Model.   for any woman who has ever struggled with body image - I highly recommend this book.  It's an extremely empowering novel that celebrates body diversity, body positivity, and the power of the female form.  But the part that really resonated with me was with how much I celebrate the beauty of other women, as much as I'm the first person to call out the great qualities of people around me - I am deserving of that kind of love too.

It's really important to me to celebrate the uniqueness of human beings.  I am that person in public who will tell strangers I love their outfit, their hair looks incredible, or they have a contagious smile.  I think if we all spent a little more time complimenting and lifting each other up, the world would be just a little bit softer.  But when it comes to myself, I'm kind of an asshole.

There is no negative thing anyone could say to me that I have not thought about myself.  I'm the first person to point out my flaws and I am constantly thinking about how to improve who I am. And while it's important to always be growing, it's equally important to appreciate who you are NOW. 

I recently started getting back into therapy and it's hit me like a ton of bricks that as much as I do love who I am - I am still really mean to myself.  I criticize where I'm at in my career, how hard I'm working out, nit pick at my appearance, worry about how committed I am to the people around me - etc. etc. etc.  And that is really exhausting.  And really unnecessary. 

So I'm working on looking at how kindly I treat others and figuring out how to be as kind to myself.  I'm an exceptional human being, in theory - I get that overall - I'm good people.  But learning to celebrate that every day and give myself the compliments that I give others, is absolutely necessary.  I'm out here doing my best too and my best is pretty dang good - I deserve love and celebration and compliments too.

There's a difference in self love and celebrating the self.  I truly do love who I am.  But being able to celebrate that love and confidence is critical to a healthy mentality.  So here's how I solve, because we all know I love a good list:

1. Everyday I write down something I love about me
2. T-H-E-R-A-P-Y
3. Learning to call myself and hold myself accountable when I get too judgmental of myself
4. Surrounding myself with people who are positive about themselves
5. Chill the F out

That's where we are.  Baby steps and small celebrations.  Hold me accountable and help me make this happen my sequins.  I'm kind of awesome, and I need to stop being such a jerk to myself because I certainly would never put up with anyone else treating me the way I treat me sometimes! 

#SparkleOn

The Worst Thing That Ever Happened

I'm going to be single forever.  At one point or another, most of us have said this.  If you haven't you're probably from the South and have been married since 14.  But for most of Americans today, we've had that thought of never finding "The One" cross our minds.  And really, is that the worst thing that could ever happen to you?

I love love.  I love relationships because to me marriage is the ultimate team.  But at the end of the day, if I don't get married, if I don't find my forever, that's not going to be the worst thing in the world.  Because to me, being in an unhappy partnership, an abusive relationship, or an unequal partnership are far worse than winding up alone.  Equally if not worse are things like cancer, death, severe disfigurement - but sure, single can top your list of worst things ever if ya like.

For those of you who have a deep fear of being alone - who actually do believe that its the worst thing that could ever happen to you - may I suggest that the fear could stem from not being comfortable with yourself.  This also may be why you haven't met the right person to begin with.  Should your greatest fear be winding up alone, I highly advise working on your relationship with yourself.  Because at the end of it all - if you're not happy with you and comfortable being alone - you won't ever find true happiness with anyone else.

Let's talk about how to get comfortable with realizing being single is not a disability.  It's not a sign of being a loser.  It's not a defining quality.  Being single doesn't make you less accomplished.  It's not something you have to check off in order to live your best life.

Being single is your opportunity to develop your most important relationship you will ever have - the one you have with yourself.  Because to me, the worst thing that can ever happen is being unhappy with yourself.  If at the end of this great adventure I don't find my teammate, I'm not alone and its not the worst thing that will ever happen to me.  I've got a lot of people in my corner, including myself - that make me jut as fulfilled, just as happy - and just as worthy as anyone with a wedding ring.  If I'm not happy, comfortable, and confident with myself - that truly is the worst thing that could ever happen and THAT would be my failure.