I had an Epiphany

The other day, I was being very introspective and in my feels. And that led me to an epiphany.

I am at peace.

I’ve certainly got a long way to go to be completely comfortable in life and I have my very off days - but for the most part, I am simply at peace.

For a really long time (is this my favorite way to start a sentence?) I was always in turmoil. Always struggling to not let the actions and words of others affect me.

From traumas to friendships to work — I would internalize everything and allow it to completely control my inner peace.

Through therapy, and a whole lot of commitment each day, I think I’ve got an initial understanding of how to combat that.

I’ve made myself happy.

I detach from things and people who bring me great stress, I put a lot of time towards the things that make me feel whole, and I repeat over and over to myself — that is not yours to control.

I haven’t ever been a judgmental person. It’s not in my nature. BUT, I do think that when I’m unhappy with myself, I find ways to be unhappy with others. I’ll be less patient with a coworker or I’ll make a snippy comment about a friend.

Lately, that’s not been a thing. For the most part, I have more patience, less internal bitterness, and more namaste.

Because I am a very instant gratification, what’s the purpose, when do we achieve the goal type A person — I want to have tangible results on things. Even therapy. And after a year of steadily committing to it, I was thinking where has it brought me and what has it taught me.

And the biggest thing I realized is this peace. The ability to let things go as not mine to own. And to genuinely not feel on the defensive 24/7. To not constantly be waiting for what’s next and allowing my anxieties to convince me of things that simply are not true.

Everything is not perfect, but all the sparkles are falling into place. I’m not naive enough to believe everything will be sparkles and rainbows forever, but I am confident I have better tools to manage the storms. Acknowledging that I am at peace gives me the realization that I have all the tools in front of me. When things get hard, I have everything I need to get through it.

My biggest piece of advice for those of you struggling with anxiety is to find peace within yourself. Figure out what that looks like and how to achieve it. And harness it. Go back to that place whenever you can. Write down what gets you there. Create a toolbox that you can rely on when things get tough. Because they will. They always will.

I had an epiphany the other day, and it has everything to do with the faith I have in myself.

Diary of An Anxious Person, Part ...Whatever

I’m not really sure what part of this whole diary I am on. When it comes to being an advocate for mental health, I tend to share the parts that I am experiencing in hopes that even one person can feel like they have someone to relate to. Or that one person who loves someone with a mental illness can find just a little more understanding and compassion.

The hardest part about being someone who deals with anxiety is feeling alone. It’s that feeling that something is wrong with you. It’s wanting to be able to be carefree and finding it impossible.

When I describe anxiety lately, I tell people it’s the inability to be calm.

Whether I am at work, at the gym, or watching TV on my couch - I am never in a complete state of calm.

Anxiety is very much a constant wheel turning of the mind. It’s never having one clear thought. It’s like being in constant chaos.

Anxious people have trouble concentrating. It’s why we often forget things that you may have told us 30 times.

Anxious people have trouble sitting still. It’s why we constantly need to move around and are often overachievers who never stop working.

Anxious people have trouble processing feelings. It is why we may not be able to express ourselves in a clear or effective way.

When you are unable to find a state of calm, you are in a permanent state of worry.

And nobody is harder on people who go through this than those of us living it.

I wish I was different every single day. I wish I could sit still. I wish I could focus. I wish I wasn’t constantly in a a state of turmoil.

That all sounds really dark.

I don’t exist in a permanently dark place. But I do want anxiety to be understood in a way that makes sense. And people with anxiety have really dark corners of our lives because we feel things very deeply.

We are not a people of in the middle. Because there is no calm, there is often extreme high and extreme low.

Everything is internalized and battered about to consider things we could have or should have said and done.

Imagine never having a moment of calm. Never being able to shut off your mind. A mind consistently working and bouncing from topic to topic. Of not being able to remember and yet never being able to forget. It’s like having the most accurate replay in existence, but only for the negative things.

Diary of an anxious person today, is a lot of scribbles and lines and eraser marks and words. It’s a wild and wacky book of never ending thoughts and emotions. Because being an anxious person means the most treasured thing you could ever have within you is a sense of quiet calm.

Namaste

At pretty much every job I’ve worked at, there has been a high intensity on edge feeling. I’ve always felt stressed, worried, and have a really hard time stepping away from constantly thinking about work. It was a never ending worry about being fired, being in trouble, or being so overworked I could barely survive.

Obviously that greatly affected my personal life. I was constantly exhausted, irritable, antisocial, even depressed. My entire life revolved around my work and the people in it. It was all consuming. And I honestly thought that would be my life forever. I didn’t know any different in my 11 years of being a professional.

I’ve been in my new role for about 3 months. The other day I was sitting on my couch and I realized how calm I felt. I wasn’t thinking about work. Not an overwhelming project, not a difficult coworker, not an unreasonable boss. I was truly existing in the moment I was in.

Now I understand that the first few months, even years of a job can feel like the honeymoon stages. I’ve had that briefly in other roles so I’ve taken these feelings with a grain of salt. However, the culture I’m in and the people I’m surrounded by who embody that culture have given me hope that this will last.

During the week I have flexibility, independence, and people who care about how I’m doing both professionally and personally. I have the freedom to craft my own schedule (within reason), to say I’m overwhelmed without being told “that’s just how it works,” and I’ve got the time and energy to get out and have a thriving personal life.

I can breathe.

There’s time in my life to regroup, take a moment, and reconnect with my center.

In the 11+ years I’ve been a grown up in the working world, I’ve never experienced that. I’ve never had all the pieces fall together. I experimented with what I could tolerate. Could I endure harassment for my dream job? No. Could I work 24/7 for a company I loved? No. Could I put up with a bad boss for good pay? No.

Not everything aligns all the time. I don’t think all the parts have aligned for my current job, but the pieces that have aligned create a puzzle that I fit into. I love the company, the people, the boss - all those things make anything else extremely minuscule on the negative scale. I feel calm. I feel happy. I feel content. And while it all doesn’t create my “perfect” dream job I built up in my mind, it’s redefined what I define as working long term for me.

I cannot emphasize enough how important the feeling calm is to me. It seems so simple and many of you very well may experience it every day. But I haven’t. I haven’t felt that level of content with a career. Where you feel happy, challenged, like you matter, just all the pieces FIT.

Sure, we all complain about our jobs. I’m highly skeptical when folks don’t have one single complaint about their job. I don’t think the whole every single day is perfect life really exists. But if you truly feel happy and the good days outnumber the bad, that’s a huge win.

If you’re like me and your career journey is nontraditional, feeling calm is honestly the biggest win of them all. I encourage you to continue to look for that win. Continue to sacrifice, dream, work, and motivate yourself to stay positive. It’s not easy. It’s ups and downs and anything but simple. People will tell you that you’re stupid. They’ll laugh. They’ll question everything about you as a professional. But they are not you. They don’t live with the journey or the experience. What works for them, it’s not for you.

I don’t know if the calm will last. What I think is most important to remember while I am here is that it’s possible. It’s not a pipe dream. It’s not a decade of taking risks for nothing. It’s real and I’m holding it in front of me. Nobody can take the dream away from me because I know it’s there. And even if it doesn’t workout every time, it’s there. It’s real. And I can make it mine.

Fountain of Youth

Never in my life have I been more invested in skincare as I am right now. I’m really lucky and have incredible olive skin. Essentially having one small zit every 6 months is really the worst that happens to me (knock on wood). I’m appreciative of that. However I’m not 22 anymore and I’m a highly expressive human. I’ve spent a lot of time in the sun (and le sigh, in tanning beds when I was young). I never took care of my skin in my 20’s. I’m 33 now, and that’s all changed. I’m committed to looking and feeling my best.

I’ve written about plastic surgery as well as injections in the past and here I am a year later still not ready to go that route yet. Again, I’m so here for that if its for you and eventually, I’ll get there. Right now, I’m not there.

But I am spending money on skincare products to look and feel my best. What you should know about me:

• Dry, sensitive skin

• Big believer in not spending thousands each month on products

• Not loyal to any one brand

• Lazy AF

That’s a really good background on me and how I spend when it comes to skincare. Here’s my general routine:

Morning: Cleaners, toner, exfoliant/antiaging serum, BB cream (with SPF 30)

Evening: Cleaners, toner, exfoliant/antiaging serum, retinol antiaging night cream, night eye cream

This is A LOT for me. To me, that’s 3,000 steps. But it’s basic enough that it’s manageable without making me get up earlier in the morning or commit too much time before bed. Now I do switch it up at night because retinol creams can be harsh on my sensitive skin. So I alternate between that and an antiaging serum paired with vitamin c serum.

Now to the meat of this thing, the products I’m loving right now (I’ve added in some outside my normal daily routine because I like to switch it up):

Cleanser

Aveeno Positively Radiant Brightening Cleanser (Target, $5.59)

I’m a huge fan of Aveeno products. They’re inexpensive and they are so gentle on my skin. I also use their makeup remover wipes. This cleanser is long lasting, gently exfoliates, and the bottle lasts me forever. I even bought a three pack on Amazon for $15 thinking I’d go through the bottle faster but one of these bad boys has lasted me 5 months.

Toner

Equate Beauty Deep Cleaning Toner (Walmart, $2.50)

Look, I’m not claiming this is the best toner on the market at $2.50 but it works really well for me. I’ve been using it for years and had no issues. Again, one bottle lasts me probably 3 months. A little goes a long way.

Exfoliating Liquid

Paula’s Choice Skin Perfecting 2% BHA Liquid (Paula’s Choice, $29.50)

A friend recommended this to me because she also has super sensitive skin. It’s the first Paula’s Choice product I’ve tried and I’m hooked. It’s made with simple ingredients, no frills packaging and safe enough for me to use twice a day. I noticed a difference in the softness of my skin as well as how bright my skin has been right away.

Antiaging Night Cream

ROC Retinol Night Cream (Amazon, $12)

This product has been around for decades. I love that it is constantly rated high on every product list and is still $12. You can really get it anywhere but for me, Amazon is easy. It’s effective and stands the test of time, which is good enough for me.

Eye Cream

Bare Minerals SkinLongevity Vital Power Eye Gel Cream (Amazon, $18)

I love Bare Minerals products so I tried out their SkinLongevity line and while the serum made me breakout, I’ve found success with the eye cream. It’s gotten rid of virtually all dark circles as well as made my eyes in general feel brighter and softer. I think it’s normally $25-$30 but I found it on Amazon for $18. It’s not just a night cream either so feel free to use this bad boy for your daytime cream too.

Antiaging Vitamin Night Serum

Derma e Antiwrinkle Night Serum (TJ Maxx, $5.99)

I first tried out Derma e products from my BirchBox sbscription and found I really enjoy them. I started seeing their products at TJ Maxx for anywhere from $5.99-$9.99 so I scooped them up. This night serum is a great trade off when I need a break from retinol which can be harsh on sensitive skin. It’s got a great consistency and gives my skin the vitamins it needs each evening. I top this off with their vitamin c serum as well.

Exfoliating Wash

ELF Gentle Peeling Exfoliant (ELF.com, $8)

I bought this on Black Friday when everything on ELF was 60% off. I LOVE IT.  I believe it was $8, but don’t quote me. It’s gentle on my sensitive skin but you can see and feel it working as the dead skin lifts right off your face and neck. Highly recommended for those of you who are too sensitive for intense exfoliating treatments at the spa but still need to get that refresh. I only use it maybe 2x a week max.

That’s it. That’s what I’m loving right now. I have a lot of masks as well as some other face washes but these are my tried and true go to products right now.

What are you using? Share with your friend sequins!

Meditation Monday

Cool, so it's Friday. But Meditation Friday doesn't sound right. I brought you daily mantras last month and this month I'm expanding our hippie lifestyle to include meditation. 

I've always been a skeptic of meditation. I can't sit still longer than 5 minutes without seeing a shiny object and abandoning the stillness for more exciting adventures. 

Recently, I discovered an app called Headspace. It's free for the basic sessions and then you can subscribe to more advanced levels as you progress in your practice. 

Headspace is the first and only experience I've ever had with meditation. This is not an ad, I downloaded the app at the recommendation of a Psychologist that is heavily respected in his field. 

You start out meditating for 3 minutes. And as easy as that sounds, I've got ADHD and anxiety - getting me to focus on nothing for 3 minutes and just feeling my body in its current space - that's damn near impossible. But I challenged myself to commit to 5 days of the introductory course and I did it!

It certainly wasn't easy, but it's definitely been beneficial to me and calming my anxious thoughts before bed. For me, bedtime is where I struggle. It takes me ages to fall asleep and I don't remember the last time I've slept through the night. Taking a few minutes to clear my head before I go to sleep has helped me to have more success in my snoozing habits.

Now I have to be honest, I did fall off the Headspace meditation game for a few weeks while I was abroad. But the cool thing is, it's so easy to catch back up with whenever you are able to make the time. 

I'm a big fan of the specific categories they offer within the app as well. There's sleep, flying, school, work, EVERYTHING that keeps us stressing in the world. 

The best part - it's not a bunch of hippie nonsense that weirds me out. It's simple, straightforward, and just asks you to get in tune with yourself. 

If you're looking for some natural help with anxiety, stress, or fears, download Headpsace and give meditation a try for 5 days. If it doesn't work for you, you've really only wasted a good 15 minutes of your life, and we all know you waste way more time than that tagging friends in memes. 

Loyalty

I am inherently loyal.  But not regular loyal, ride or die don't ask questions loyal.  The problem is, that generally extends to every aspect of my life.  And realistically, that's not how life works.

It's extremely critical to have limits to loyalty.  To understand the places loyalty is important and where I should extend my loyalty to myself.  More often than not, being this loyal is a rarity.  Most people understand the boundaries and maintain loyalty in a healthy way.  Me being me - I'm extra about it.

Being loyal to the max can cause me to often be hurt by people and situations and that's on me.

For example - in the workplace, I often feel I owe something to someone and will take less than I'm worth, work too hard and overall lack proper work/life boundaries.  

In my personal life - I give too much of my time, energy, and sometimes physical resources for people who just aren't willing to do the same for me.  

The result of this is that I am drained, disappointed, and anxious.  All of which could be avoided if I learn boundaries.

Something my therapist has been teaching me is saying no.  No explanation.  Just no.  As simple as that seems, that's just not easy for me.  It's not out of a need to people please.  It's out of loyalty and a feeling that it's my job to be everything to everyone.  

Real talk - I'm not a superhero, I can't do it all.  It's arrogant and naive to think I can.

Many times when a situation is uncomfortable or an avenue in which my loyalty is being taken advantage of - I can feel it in my gut.  I know it's happening.  I know saying yes will only bring me anxiety and regret.  And yet, I say yes.

But what I've learned is I've allowed my loyalty to control me so much I am literally burning myself out to the point of exhaustion.  I have no other choice but to make a change or it's about to be Britney Spears 2007 in my world.

Saying no in principle seems super easy.  In practice, it's weird.  It's awkward.  It gives me the hives.  

So I'm starting small.  Like really small.  Things you probably think and do every single second of the day and you're like "this girl is bananas for not doing this."  But no judgment zone people.   

I'm saying no to plans.  No to helping people.  No to situations that don't aid in my health.  

And the guilt for that is mad real.  But in the end, what other choice do I have?  Why should my happiness and health take a backseat to anyone else?

If you're struggling with the same issues, may I suggest some small steps for starting your journey to living loyalty in a healthy way?

• Practice saying no.  Don't want to meet a friend for dinner?  Don't.  And don't give an explanation.  
• Make plans for yourself.  And don't cancel on yourself.

That's it.  But if you're like me, those are two really huge places to start and will provide you enough of a challenge that it won't come easy.  

And my sequins, remind yourselves that YOU are deserving of the loyalty you so freely give to everyone and everything in your world.  You owe it to yourself to give loyalty to your mental and physical health and most of all loyatly to living your best, happiest life.

Diary of An Anxious Person, Again.

A much anticipated update on my anxiety.  This ones a new one for me.  I thought I was doing really well.  Thriving even.  But both my psychiatrist and therapist (it takes a village ya'll) pointed out that I've actually been compartmentalizing everything instead of letting myself deal with it.  

So while I thought I was over here growing and managing my mental health, I have been in fact been doing the opposite.  Womp, womp.  

This became especially evident to me a few weeks ago when I went from feeling at ease 98% of the time to all the sudden feeling overwhelmed, emotional, and exhausted.  

While explaining to my psychiatrist how exhausted I've been and how unmotivated I've felt, she broke down everything I'd been dealing with in the past month.  And she asked how I expected not to be exhausted from any one of those things, let alone all of them at one time?  

It truly stopped me in my tracks.  And the more I took inventory of each thing, the more I understood I had been pushing them aside instead of facing them head on.  

I have a feeling I'm not the only person who does this.  It's probably quite common for Type A folks in the world.  We are in constant survive and thrive mode so we set aside the pain or the problem to focus on the end goal.

How do we stop it?

Take Inventory

Check in with yourself.  And seriously check in.  Be honest about how you feel and what's weighing on your mind.  Are you acting differently?  Is your routine different?  When's the last time you took time to do nothing?  When did you last practice self care?

When I got honest with myself I realized I was extra busy lately.  I wasn't taking time for self care.  I wasn't sleeping.  I was sad and exhausted.  I didn't want to be around people.  All signs of me not being my normal sparkly self.  

Commit to Serious Self Care

Figure out what self care looks like for you.  Is it reading?  A workout?  Time with friends?  Walks on a trail?  Sleep?  Figure out what calms you and resets you and leaves you feeling your best.

I suck at self care.  I'll think I've had a nice relaxing me weekend and then reflect back and really all I did was run errands and take care of life chores.  I don't sit still, I constantly work, and then I'll be like "why am I so exhausted?"  Because you're an idiot and did NO SELF CARE ASHLEY.  Be honest again, are you taking care of yourself or half assing it?

Talk to Your Circle

Ask your friends if they're noticing that you're acting different.  Ask them how they see you taking care of yourself.  Talk to them openly n a safe space to give you their observations of you.

I didn't really take all of this seriously - even after medical professionals told me - until a close friend approached me about it.  She said I was acting different, I wasn't taking care of myself, and she was concerned.  Having someone I talk to all day and see throughout the week tell me they observed these things really opened my eyes.  

Mental health is so critical.  I can't say it enough, get help.  Get in tune with yourself.  Prioritize your mental health.  You've got one life.  Don't waste it in a dark place for very long.  Do the work to get the most out of this awesome world we live in.  

Mental Health May

May is Mental Health Awareness Month and in its honor - I'm going to share with you how I manage my mental health and create a strong basis for stability in my world.  

PHYSICAL HEALTH

My mood is often dependent upon my physical health.  I have a weak immune system and have to work extra hard to keep my health in a good place.  I also see a high correlation between managing my stress and whether or not I'm taking time to be physically active.  I think what scares a lot of people in the physically healthy world is that they assume physical health = appearance and fitness levels.  That's false.  Being physically active can simply mean getting outside.  Going on a walk.  It doesn't have to mean competing in body building or running a marathon.  Take time to find out what form of fitness feels right to you and do that.  Additionally, get sleep.  Eat right.  Physical health is more than fitness - it's supplying your body with the nutrition and REM cycles  to stay powerful.  

RELATIONSHIPS

Surround yourself with people who make you feel good about who you are.  From your family to your closest friends to the community in which you live - spend the majority of your time with people who do not drain you.  In life we will always have to spend time around those who steal our joy, but if you can limit that time, you'll be doing yourself a long term favor.  Constantly evaluate your relationships - not everyone is meant to be in our lives forever.  Edit ruthlessly in order to maintain only positive uplifting relationships.

MEDICAL CARE

Not everyone needs medication to manage their mental health.  I do.  I meet with a psychiatrist every couple months to check in and make sure that my medications are professionally managed and I am practicing safe medical solutions to managing my mental health.  I also see a psychologist about once a week (depending on my travel schedule).  I realize that right now, I need medical care to assist in keeping me at my best. I know not everyone believes in medical intervention for mental health, a nd that's ok - that's why each journey is different.

WORK

We spend most of our lives in the workplace.  Unless you're married rich, been born wealthy, or won the lottery, you're probably working 8+ hours a day, 5 days a week for like 30 years!  And if you're like me, you put a lot of your heart into your career.  When I'm unhappy in my career, it greatly affects my ability to maintain good mental health.  Do everything you can to work somewhere you're happy.  And if you're not happy, change your attitude or change your situation.

PASSIONS

I thrive on my passion projects.  If I don't make time for what I love to do (writing, reading, creating), I'm miserable.  Whether it's an hour a day or sometimes only an hour a week, make time for your passions.  Really take the time to learn what your passions are and develop those.  They fuel your energy and make your happy muscles flex!

As always, my journey with mental health is extremely personal.  Yours may look entirely different.  Consult a professional to make sure you're on the best path for you!  And never be ashamed to ask for help my sequins! 

Cake Cake Cake

More and more lately I've heard women in my Pilates classes talkin about their workouts affording them the luxury of food.  They talk about earning a meal because they completed a workout.  

I've not always had the best relationship with food.  I've binged, deprived, limited, followed trendy diets - I've done it all.  But what I know now is that food is fuel.  Food is not meant to be earned.  It's not meant to be feared.  Food should not control you.

It is my hope that we stop teaching women they have to live and die by calories and carbs and that they must complete some grueling workout in order to enjoy a meal.  Fitness and food are to be enjoyed.

If you're raising a little boss babe, teach her to love her body and the things it needs to maintain a healthy happy status quo.  Teach her it's ok to eat the donut without running 5 miles to makeup for it.  Don't shame her for eating too much - teach her that eating the foods nature provides us are meant to be enjoyed until you're full!  

My relationship with food, fitness, and my body continues to change.  Thankfully, for the most part, it's healthy.  I eat a lot.  I workout a lot.  But I don't limit myself.  I don't force myself to workout as punishment.  I eat carbs.  I truly look forward to my Pilates and spin classes.  I get outside and I walk.  I cook with fresh ingredients.  Sometimes I eat donut(s).  

I've changed the narrative for myself.  I took back control.  Only I determine what role food plays in my world.  

The Power of Culture

I've spent a lot of time in work environments that were unhealthy.  Between working 24/7, being verbally harassed, and colleagues pitted against each other - I've never been part of a work culture that I enjoyed.  Being in sports I mostly assumed this was what I was going to have to deal with if I chose to stay in the entertainment events world.  But I also knew that I couldn't sustain a life where I felt exhausted, discouraged, and physically unhealthy. 

Flash forward to February of 2016.  I was yet again in a position that wasn't fulfilling and an environment that made me miserable.  At this point I even started to think I may be the problem.  I had been unhappy in my new role since about the second month I arrived.  I began looking for a new job about month three.  And in month six - I was "laid off due to budget concerns."  Realistically it was the only way they could get rid of me because technically I was doing a great job but I was pushing back against the culture and the role that was not as promised.  As stressful as it was to be in the position I was in, I felt relief not having to go back to that job for one more day.

The day I was let go I made myself a promise.  I was going to focus my efforts on finding a role with a company that was the right fit culturally.  I was going to ask more questions, do more research and refuse to settle until it felt right.  I was turned down for jobs I thought were perfect and I turned down jobs that would have been just fine but weren't going to provide me the environment I craved.

Six months later I accepted a position with a company that I spent a good four weeks interviewing with.  I researched the company on Glassdoor, I reached out to contacts and learned firsthand what the company was like to be at, and I asked the questions they say you're not supposed to ask in interviews.  I made it clear a work life balance was important to me.  I spoke openly about my past environment issues and emphasized the importance of being somewhere with a culture I believed in and felt valued in.  And when four weeks later, on Christmas Eve, when I was offered the position - the way in which it was offered - the offer itself that the team worked hard to be able to offer me - the emphasis on how even though the other candidate has more direct agency experience but they felt a better connection with me - everything about it felt right. 

Almost three months later I still feel that same confidence in the choice I made.  From day one the responsibility I've been given, the way in which my personal time is respected, the way people interact with each other - is a complete 180 from anything I've ever experienced in a company.  I work a lot, especially with my travel schedule recently, but I don't feel the same emotional exhaustion that I've dealt with in the past.  The standards are high, the expectations even higher, the level of talent in one place is above and beyond anywhere I've been - and it creates a level of trust, competition, and excitement that makes coming to work fun.  My days fly by and are often chaotic, but I'm never bored and I'm always learning.

Sure, it's early in the game.  I've made the mistake of thinking things were rainbows and unicorns too early before.  And this could be something that doesn't workout.  But now that I know the possibility of happiness at work is a thing - I'm even more determined to stick with my never settle mentality.  Because its not me.  I am good at what I do, I'm a MF delight to be around, and I work hard.  Of course I still have a little PTSD and have my moments of doubt in myself.  And no, contrary to popular belief, I am not perfect, I screw up.  I still stress myself out for no reason.  And I am learning to get my confidence back in who I am at work.  But all the abuse, the misery, the years of never giving up - they're worth it.  My journey isn't traditional.  My path is often lonely.  But it's something I fiercely believe in and each day of happiness reinforces my belief that the dream is worth fighting for. 

Whatever the dream job and environment is for you - it's out there.  It's not easy to find.  It's often long and exhausting.  But giving up, taking the easy road, staying in the bad situation - that's not how you achieve the dream.  Don't give up.  Don't stop showing up.  And don't ever let anyone keep you from what makes your soul shine.