A Case of the Sads

Anxiety has been a constant in my life as long as I can remember. As a child I was misdiagnosed with depression but thankfully, that’s not ever been something I’ve dealt with.

Recently though, I’ve had random cases of the “sads.” It’s never a long term thing, and it’s never as horrible as stories I’ve heard from others who truly suffer from it — but it’s not pleasant to go through.

I didn’t even understand it at first. The feeling of general just sad and the inability to know why. It' was an overwhelming lack of energy, not wanting to be social and a loss of appetite. For someone who doesn’t experience those things, I found it especially unsettling.

Thankfully, I have tools in place to manage my mental health in a really positive way.

I prioritized therapy, spoke up to the people around me, and I took the time I needed for self care.

I don’t have depression. So it’s a lot easier for me to sit here and say I did those three things and I pulled myself out of the darker time. However, regardless of what mental health struggles you have - you have to prioritize managing it.

It’s really easy to say that you have anxiety or depression and sit on that as a crutch in life. Sometimes people even use it to excuse really bad behavior. And that’s all it is, an excuse.

Having a mental illness is not an excuse to be a bad person.

Having a mental illness does make life a little harder day to day. Sometimes a lot harder. And I think that means that you can ask people to be patient with you, but it does not mean you can ask people to accept you if you refuse to help yourself.

Mental illness isn’t fair, and neither is life. You have to put in the work. You have to utilize the resources available to you (and I do realize I am privileged to have all the resources I do). There are resources. Some have to work harder to get to them, but they are there.

Most of all, it really starts with acknowledging what you deal with and committing yourself to putting in the work to exist day to day.

Some days I’m at my worst, and I need to step away from people and places in order to just be by myself and process. And some days I have to ask for help - something I’m very uncomfortable with. None of it is easy, but it is important.

Bottom line, it’s ok to have the sads sometimes. It’s ok to feel complete overwhelming anxiety. Never be ashamed of those things. It’s not ok to use those ailments as a crutch as you operate through life.

The Buddy System

With the high rates of depression and suicide in the news these days, the world has been encouraging each other to check up on people around us. And to really do it. To say “hey, are you ok?” and listen to that answer.

The more we show up for each other and truly listen to what we are saying, the more we are able to say “I’m here for you.” That’s a really powerful thing. We live in a time where people are more connected than ever but feeling lonelier than ever.

It’s also really easy to get caught up in our own lives. We are all busy trying to survive and thrive and that’s ok. It’s ok to know when you really need to be in the zone and focus on yourself.

Here’s what I’m finding though: when my team checks on me, I feel more accountability to check in with myself. It also forces me out of whatever hermit life I’ve sometimes sunken into and encourages me to engage. When people ask me how I’m doing and honestly want an answer, my heart grows times ten. I feel valued, respected, and heard.

The people in my life have really shown up for me in a buddy system way lately and I’m so grateful for it. I have lived so long as the one you don’t check up on. The one everybody knows is going to be ok. And while that may be very true, it does not mean I don’t struggle. The more my humans show up for me, the more I want to open up and share my life with them. It makes me feel safe, something I don’t often feel when it comes to sharing my life with others.

The point is, show up and create a buddy system. We all struggle. We all need that check in once in awhile to get through the dark times. Work with your inner core to get the phone tree going. Never let your people feel alone. Find a way to spend 5 minutes each day saying hey, I’m here for you, whatever you need.

Often times people don’t want to ask for help, or don’t know how. They may even beg off support. But we all need it. Whether that be delivering meals, sending a text, sitting with someone in silence, find a way to show up. Showing up is what matters.

Think of it like being a little kid. You had to have a buddy who you were responsible for. Ya;ll had to stick together and get each other through the day. This is what you’ve been training for. Stick with that buddy and get them through the day.

Namaste

At pretty much every job I’ve worked at, there has been a high intensity on edge feeling. I’ve always felt stressed, worried, and have a really hard time stepping away from constantly thinking about work. It was a never ending worry about being fired, being in trouble, or being so overworked I could barely survive.

Obviously that greatly affected my personal life. I was constantly exhausted, irritable, antisocial, even depressed. My entire life revolved around my work and the people in it. It was all consuming. And I honestly thought that would be my life forever. I didn’t know any different in my 11 years of being a professional.

I’ve been in my new role for about 3 months. The other day I was sitting on my couch and I realized how calm I felt. I wasn’t thinking about work. Not an overwhelming project, not a difficult coworker, not an unreasonable boss. I was truly existing in the moment I was in.

Now I understand that the first few months, even years of a job can feel like the honeymoon stages. I’ve had that briefly in other roles so I’ve taken these feelings with a grain of salt. However, the culture I’m in and the people I’m surrounded by who embody that culture have given me hope that this will last.

During the week I have flexibility, independence, and people who care about how I’m doing both professionally and personally. I have the freedom to craft my own schedule (within reason), to say I’m overwhelmed without being told “that’s just how it works,” and I’ve got the time and energy to get out and have a thriving personal life.

I can breathe.

There’s time in my life to regroup, take a moment, and reconnect with my center.

In the 11+ years I’ve been a grown up in the working world, I’ve never experienced that. I’ve never had all the pieces fall together. I experimented with what I could tolerate. Could I endure harassment for my dream job? No. Could I work 24/7 for a company I loved? No. Could I put up with a bad boss for good pay? No.

Not everything aligns all the time. I don’t think all the parts have aligned for my current job, but the pieces that have aligned create a puzzle that I fit into. I love the company, the people, the boss - all those things make anything else extremely minuscule on the negative scale. I feel calm. I feel happy. I feel content. And while it all doesn’t create my “perfect” dream job I built up in my mind, it’s redefined what I define as working long term for me.

I cannot emphasize enough how important the feeling calm is to me. It seems so simple and many of you very well may experience it every day. But I haven’t. I haven’t felt that level of content with a career. Where you feel happy, challenged, like you matter, just all the pieces FIT.

Sure, we all complain about our jobs. I’m highly skeptical when folks don’t have one single complaint about their job. I don’t think the whole every single day is perfect life really exists. But if you truly feel happy and the good days outnumber the bad, that’s a huge win.

If you’re like me and your career journey is nontraditional, feeling calm is honestly the biggest win of them all. I encourage you to continue to look for that win. Continue to sacrifice, dream, work, and motivate yourself to stay positive. It’s not easy. It’s ups and downs and anything but simple. People will tell you that you’re stupid. They’ll laugh. They’ll question everything about you as a professional. But they are not you. They don’t live with the journey or the experience. What works for them, it’s not for you.

I don’t know if the calm will last. What I think is most important to remember while I am here is that it’s possible. It’s not a pipe dream. It’s not a decade of taking risks for nothing. It’s real and I’m holding it in front of me. Nobody can take the dream away from me because I know it’s there. And even if it doesn’t workout every time, it’s there. It’s real. And I can make it mine.

Mental Health Spotlight: Suicide

Suicide has been in the news a lot lately. There have been quite a few high profile suicides of late that have really called attention to this serious mental health concern. I'd like to talk about it as I would any other mental health issue because I think our number one problem when it comes to mental health is a lack of conversation around the nitty gritty of it all. We spend a lot of time throwing around mental health, anxiety, depression, etc. but it can often still carry a stigma. I think unfortunately its also become a bit of a trendy thing for some people, making it harder for those of us truly suffering to get the help we need.

Let me start off by saying that if you truly suffer from a mental illness, it is not a trend. It is painful, confusing, embarrassing, and very personal. Please don't claim to suffer from a mental illness, diagnose yourself with anxiety, align yourself to depression unless you have sought a professional and really taken the time to understand what suffering from a mental illness is.  You wouldn't tell people you had cancer if you didn't, don't claim mental illness if you don't suffer from it. 

Suicide. It's not a cop out. Suicide is not glamorous. It is not always something you can predict. There are not always signs. It's not as easy as providing a number to call. Not everyone seeks professional help.

Like all mental illnesses, each story is different. Every single person experiences their mental health struggle differently. That's why there are so many treatment options and why it is so important to work with a professional to find what works for you. There are resources to assist with suicidal thoughts if you wish to use them. The key is, not everyone is willing to ask for help. Knowing there are phone numbers and websites and professionals dedicated to support, often even free support, is not always the answer for everyone.

So how do we help those who are silently suffering and can't or aren't willing to utilize the available resources? Talk. Everyone is fighting battles you probably know nothing about. That doesn't make you a bad friend or family member. It makes you human. But I do encourage you to check in with the people around you. 

Speaking from experience, whenever I'm feeling down or alone, I don't reach out for help. I'm not someone who typically feels comfortable relying on others. It took me a good 30 years of life to buy into therapy and psychiatry. I personally would never call a help line or look to a website if I were ever feeling very depressed. I remember being in my lowest point in life and truly believing I was alone and didn't matter. That I was absurd, dramatic, even a burden to those around me. Because I'm someone who is independent and easily able to keep myself together, people don't ask me how I'm doing. It is assumed that I am always sparkly, bubbly, and living my best life. 

When we hear of celebrities, athletes, or those close to us committing suicide, we are often shocked. You hear that there weren't signs or they never reached out for help. I'm thankful that I was able to pull myself out of my darkest time and I have found treatment and tools that work for me. Not everyone is so lucky. Not everyone can ask for help. This is why talking to the people around you is so important. Simply checking in and saying how are you doing, and meaning it, is potentially life saving. On top of talking to the people around you, pay attention to them and listen to what they're telling you. 

We are all dealing with our own struggles. It's hard to remember to check in on others. We're busy. Unfortunately, not being aware of the people around you isn't an option in this day and age. Suicide, gun violence, and abuse - are all too common now. We cannot afford to live in our own world if we want to make it a better place for ourselves and future generations.

Lastly, I'd like to provide resources simply because it's a disservice not to when addressing something so serious. 

1. Therapy - check with your insurance to find a professional in your network. Touch base with your HR as well, often times there are a few free sessions available to employees. For free or low cost therapy, please see the NAMI HelpLine.

2. National Suicide Prevention Lifeline - (800) 273-8255 

3. Resources when you can't afford therapy: This is a cool Buzzfeed article from 2016 that gives support options. 

Life is hard for everyone. We all experience a lot of ups and downs at different stages. You're not alone. You're not less than. And you are worthy of existing in this world.