TW:Suicide

First and foremost, this is a piece on suicide. Please protect your mental health and if this will trigger you, don’t read it. Please also know there are resources available to you such as 9-8-8, the Suicide Hotline.

More and more, we are seeing some big names die by suicide. Each and every time I see the same disbelief. The “but they seemed so happy” — and it drives me insane.

Everyone with mental health (so, everyone) is succeptible to mental health episodes that can lead to suicide. Everyone.

Instead of being shocked each and every time, we need to start talking more openly about how people get here. We need to stop stigmatizing it and start providing real dialogue and support.

In that spirit, I want to talk about my own mental health struggle and the time I felt suicidal.

When I was in my early 20’s, I had the privilege of working at my alma mater. Specifically in Athletics. It was a dream to get into the space and work everyday at the place that I loved competing at and growing up in for four years. But the work environment was anything but wonderful.

It got to a point there was even a federal investigation (that my complaint was found to be valid) into a senior leader. I spent months having to talk to HR about everything I experienced, provided massive amounts of documentation and was gaslit the entire time. I was young, naive and scared.

Concurrently, I was dealing with very serious unresolved trauma that led me to surround myself with not the best friends, excessively drank and partied, and was dating someone who treated me absolutely awful.

I grew up not talking about my feelings. I was taught it could always be worse, so I shut up and dealt with it. That also meant I felt alone most times.

I suffered through it all at a time when I was already feeling really low about myself. The work stuff just added onto the “it’s you, you’re the problem and you have no value” mindset.

It all got to me. And I finally broke down. I opened up to someone close to me about feeling suicidal. Feeling like things wouldn’t get better and I didn’t have the enery to deal with it anymore.

Unfortunately that person didn’t respond well to my plea for help. They dismissed me. To be honest, I don’t know what stopped me from driving off that bridge. I truly don’t. But I’m really grateful I didn’t.

What I want you to understand is that I’m that person you’re all shocked is more than sunshine glitter and rainbows. I’m the one that gets told “you’re so happy!” “you’re pure light” “your life seems so amazing” — and yes, all of those things are true. But they are not the whole of my existence.

I have experienced more than my fair share of traumas. I could easily be one of the people you’re shocked took their own life. But I’m not.

Recently, a friend died by suicide in the very same way I had thought about doing so. And then seeing Twitch die by suicide — another seemingly happy all the time individual — it’s all triggered me. Not to do the same, but to speak up about my own experiences in hopes that someone reads this and feels seen and heard.

I haven’t had any suicidal ideations since. I work really hard in therapy, with medications, in doing the work to process my trauma. And it’s helped a lot. But not everyone is privileged to have access to these things and not everyone exists in a space where this is possible.

That’s also why I’m writing this. Because we have to help each other. Have the tough conversations. When you ask folks how they’re doing, make sure they actually answer you sincerely. Check in on everyone. Your strong friends, sensitive friends, everyone in between.

I know there’s a lot of animosity in this world and there are plenty of times to speak up, but whenever possible, choose to just be kind. I’m not talking when racist/homophobic/misogynistic shit happens — I’m talking when you get cut off driving, someone takes your place in line, someone is a little rude — let that shit go. Take a deep breath, and move on. Choose to lead with empathy and show up with forgiveness for these folks or just walk away.

You really never know what anyone is going through. I hope that you know someone like me who is sparkle obsessed, always laughing, frequently traveling, surrounded by good people, life loving person — struggles too. People like me can succumb to suicide too. And that doesn’t make me less than.

Lastly, use your resources. Medicine, therapy, meditation, fitness, healthy eating, friends, family, puppies — use whatever is available to you and whatever you have the energy to reach out for. Hotlines and hospitals —anything you need — use it without shame. Asking for help isn’t shameful, it’s the bravest thing you can ever and will ever do. You are worthy and I’m so grateful you are here.

The Buddy System

With the high rates of depression and suicide in the news these days, the world has been encouraging each other to check up on people around us. And to really do it. To say “hey, are you ok?” and listen to that answer.

The more we show up for each other and truly listen to what we are saying, the more we are able to say “I’m here for you.” That’s a really powerful thing. We live in a time where people are more connected than ever but feeling lonelier than ever.

It’s also really easy to get caught up in our own lives. We are all busy trying to survive and thrive and that’s ok. It’s ok to know when you really need to be in the zone and focus on yourself.

Here’s what I’m finding though: when my team checks on me, I feel more accountability to check in with myself. It also forces me out of whatever hermit life I’ve sometimes sunken into and encourages me to engage. When people ask me how I’m doing and honestly want an answer, my heart grows times ten. I feel valued, respected, and heard.

The people in my life have really shown up for me in a buddy system way lately and I’m so grateful for it. I have lived so long as the one you don’t check up on. The one everybody knows is going to be ok. And while that may be very true, it does not mean I don’t struggle. The more my humans show up for me, the more I want to open up and share my life with them. It makes me feel safe, something I don’t often feel when it comes to sharing my life with others.

The point is, show up and create a buddy system. We all struggle. We all need that check in once in awhile to get through the dark times. Work with your inner core to get the phone tree going. Never let your people feel alone. Find a way to spend 5 minutes each day saying hey, I’m here for you, whatever you need.

Often times people don’t want to ask for help, or don’t know how. They may even beg off support. But we all need it. Whether that be delivering meals, sending a text, sitting with someone in silence, find a way to show up. Showing up is what matters.

Think of it like being a little kid. You had to have a buddy who you were responsible for. Ya;ll had to stick together and get each other through the day. This is what you’ve been training for. Stick with that buddy and get them through the day.

Mental Health Spotlight: Suicide

Suicide has been in the news a lot lately. There have been quite a few high profile suicides of late that have really called attention to this serious mental health concern. I'd like to talk about it as I would any other mental health issue because I think our number one problem when it comes to mental health is a lack of conversation around the nitty gritty of it all. We spend a lot of time throwing around mental health, anxiety, depression, etc. but it can often still carry a stigma. I think unfortunately its also become a bit of a trendy thing for some people, making it harder for those of us truly suffering to get the help we need.

Let me start off by saying that if you truly suffer from a mental illness, it is not a trend. It is painful, confusing, embarrassing, and very personal. Please don't claim to suffer from a mental illness, diagnose yourself with anxiety, align yourself to depression unless you have sought a professional and really taken the time to understand what suffering from a mental illness is.  You wouldn't tell people you had cancer if you didn't, don't claim mental illness if you don't suffer from it. 

Suicide. It's not a cop out. Suicide is not glamorous. It is not always something you can predict. There are not always signs. It's not as easy as providing a number to call. Not everyone seeks professional help.

Like all mental illnesses, each story is different. Every single person experiences their mental health struggle differently. That's why there are so many treatment options and why it is so important to work with a professional to find what works for you. There are resources to assist with suicidal thoughts if you wish to use them. The key is, not everyone is willing to ask for help. Knowing there are phone numbers and websites and professionals dedicated to support, often even free support, is not always the answer for everyone.

So how do we help those who are silently suffering and can't or aren't willing to utilize the available resources? Talk. Everyone is fighting battles you probably know nothing about. That doesn't make you a bad friend or family member. It makes you human. But I do encourage you to check in with the people around you. 

Speaking from experience, whenever I'm feeling down or alone, I don't reach out for help. I'm not someone who typically feels comfortable relying on others. It took me a good 30 years of life to buy into therapy and psychiatry. I personally would never call a help line or look to a website if I were ever feeling very depressed. I remember being in my lowest point in life and truly believing I was alone and didn't matter. That I was absurd, dramatic, even a burden to those around me. Because I'm someone who is independent and easily able to keep myself together, people don't ask me how I'm doing. It is assumed that I am always sparkly, bubbly, and living my best life. 

When we hear of celebrities, athletes, or those close to us committing suicide, we are often shocked. You hear that there weren't signs or they never reached out for help. I'm thankful that I was able to pull myself out of my darkest time and I have found treatment and tools that work for me. Not everyone is so lucky. Not everyone can ask for help. This is why talking to the people around you is so important. Simply checking in and saying how are you doing, and meaning it, is potentially life saving. On top of talking to the people around you, pay attention to them and listen to what they're telling you. 

We are all dealing with our own struggles. It's hard to remember to check in on others. We're busy. Unfortunately, not being aware of the people around you isn't an option in this day and age. Suicide, gun violence, and abuse - are all too common now. We cannot afford to live in our own world if we want to make it a better place for ourselves and future generations.

Lastly, I'd like to provide resources simply because it's a disservice not to when addressing something so serious. 

1. Therapy - check with your insurance to find a professional in your network. Touch base with your HR as well, often times there are a few free sessions available to employees. For free or low cost therapy, please see the NAMI HelpLine.

2. National Suicide Prevention Lifeline - (800) 273-8255 

3. Resources when you can't afford therapy: This is a cool Buzzfeed article from 2016 that gives support options. 

Life is hard for everyone. We all experience a lot of ups and downs at different stages. You're not alone. You're not less than. And you are worthy of existing in this world.