First and foremost, this is a piece on suicide. Please protect your mental health and if this will trigger you, don’t read it. Please also know there are resources available to you such as 9-8-8, the Suicide Hotline.
More and more, we are seeing some big names die by suicide. Each and every time I see the same disbelief. The “but they seemed so happy” — and it drives me insane.
Everyone with mental health (so, everyone) is succeptible to mental health episodes that can lead to suicide. Everyone.
Instead of being shocked each and every time, we need to start talking more openly about how people get here. We need to stop stigmatizing it and start providing real dialogue and support.
In that spirit, I want to talk about my own mental health struggle and the time I felt suicidal.
When I was in my early 20’s, I had the privilege of working at my alma mater. Specifically in Athletics. It was a dream to get into the space and work everyday at the place that I loved competing at and growing up in for four years. But the work environment was anything but wonderful.
It got to a point there was even a federal investigation (that my complaint was found to be valid) into a senior leader. I spent months having to talk to HR about everything I experienced, provided massive amounts of documentation and was gaslit the entire time. I was young, naive and scared.
Concurrently, I was dealing with very serious unresolved trauma that led me to surround myself with not the best friends, excessively drank and partied, and was dating someone who treated me absolutely awful.
I grew up not talking about my feelings. I was taught it could always be worse, so I shut up and dealt with it. That also meant I felt alone most times.
I suffered through it all at a time when I was already feeling really low about myself. The work stuff just added onto the “it’s you, you’re the problem and you have no value” mindset.
It all got to me. And I finally broke down. I opened up to someone close to me about feeling suicidal. Feeling like things wouldn’t get better and I didn’t have the enery to deal with it anymore.
Unfortunately that person didn’t respond well to my plea for help. They dismissed me. To be honest, I don’t know what stopped me from driving off that bridge. I truly don’t. But I’m really grateful I didn’t.
What I want you to understand is that I’m that person you’re all shocked is more than sunshine glitter and rainbows. I’m the one that gets told “you’re so happy!” “you’re pure light” “your life seems so amazing” — and yes, all of those things are true. But they are not the whole of my existence.
I have experienced more than my fair share of traumas. I could easily be one of the people you’re shocked took their own life. But I’m not.
Recently, a friend died by suicide in the very same way I had thought about doing so. And then seeing Twitch die by suicide — another seemingly happy all the time individual — it’s all triggered me. Not to do the same, but to speak up about my own experiences in hopes that someone reads this and feels seen and heard.
I haven’t had any suicidal ideations since. I work really hard in therapy, with medications, in doing the work to process my trauma. And it’s helped a lot. But not everyone is privileged to have access to these things and not everyone exists in a space where this is possible.
That’s also why I’m writing this. Because we have to help each other. Have the tough conversations. When you ask folks how they’re doing, make sure they actually answer you sincerely. Check in on everyone. Your strong friends, sensitive friends, everyone in between.
I know there’s a lot of animosity in this world and there are plenty of times to speak up, but whenever possible, choose to just be kind. I’m not talking when racist/homophobic/misogynistic shit happens — I’m talking when you get cut off driving, someone takes your place in line, someone is a little rude — let that shit go. Take a deep breath, and move on. Choose to lead with empathy and show up with forgiveness for these folks or just walk away.
You really never know what anyone is going through. I hope that you know someone like me who is sparkle obsessed, always laughing, frequently traveling, surrounded by good people, life loving person — struggles too. People like me can succumb to suicide too. And that doesn’t make me less than.
Lastly, use your resources. Medicine, therapy, meditation, fitness, healthy eating, friends, family, puppies — use whatever is available to you and whatever you have the energy to reach out for. Hotlines and hospitals —anything you need — use it without shame. Asking for help isn’t shameful, it’s the bravest thing you can ever and will ever do. You are worthy and I’m so grateful you are here.