TW:Suicide

First and foremost, this is a piece on suicide. Please protect your mental health and if this will trigger you, don’t read it. Please also know there are resources available to you such as 9-8-8, the Suicide Hotline.

More and more, we are seeing some big names die by suicide. Each and every time I see the same disbelief. The “but they seemed so happy” — and it drives me insane.

Everyone with mental health (so, everyone) is succeptible to mental health episodes that can lead to suicide. Everyone.

Instead of being shocked each and every time, we need to start talking more openly about how people get here. We need to stop stigmatizing it and start providing real dialogue and support.

In that spirit, I want to talk about my own mental health struggle and the time I felt suicidal.

When I was in my early 20’s, I had the privilege of working at my alma mater. Specifically in Athletics. It was a dream to get into the space and work everyday at the place that I loved competing at and growing up in for four years. But the work environment was anything but wonderful.

It got to a point there was even a federal investigation (that my complaint was found to be valid) into a senior leader. I spent months having to talk to HR about everything I experienced, provided massive amounts of documentation and was gaslit the entire time. I was young, naive and scared.

Concurrently, I was dealing with very serious unresolved trauma that led me to surround myself with not the best friends, excessively drank and partied, and was dating someone who treated me absolutely awful.

I grew up not talking about my feelings. I was taught it could always be worse, so I shut up and dealt with it. That also meant I felt alone most times.

I suffered through it all at a time when I was already feeling really low about myself. The work stuff just added onto the “it’s you, you’re the problem and you have no value” mindset.

It all got to me. And I finally broke down. I opened up to someone close to me about feeling suicidal. Feeling like things wouldn’t get better and I didn’t have the enery to deal with it anymore.

Unfortunately that person didn’t respond well to my plea for help. They dismissed me. To be honest, I don’t know what stopped me from driving off that bridge. I truly don’t. But I’m really grateful I didn’t.

What I want you to understand is that I’m that person you’re all shocked is more than sunshine glitter and rainbows. I’m the one that gets told “you’re so happy!” “you’re pure light” “your life seems so amazing” — and yes, all of those things are true. But they are not the whole of my existence.

I have experienced more than my fair share of traumas. I could easily be one of the people you’re shocked took their own life. But I’m not.

Recently, a friend died by suicide in the very same way I had thought about doing so. And then seeing Twitch die by suicide — another seemingly happy all the time individual — it’s all triggered me. Not to do the same, but to speak up about my own experiences in hopes that someone reads this and feels seen and heard.

I haven’t had any suicidal ideations since. I work really hard in therapy, with medications, in doing the work to process my trauma. And it’s helped a lot. But not everyone is privileged to have access to these things and not everyone exists in a space where this is possible.

That’s also why I’m writing this. Because we have to help each other. Have the tough conversations. When you ask folks how they’re doing, make sure they actually answer you sincerely. Check in on everyone. Your strong friends, sensitive friends, everyone in between.

I know there’s a lot of animosity in this world and there are plenty of times to speak up, but whenever possible, choose to just be kind. I’m not talking when racist/homophobic/misogynistic shit happens — I’m talking when you get cut off driving, someone takes your place in line, someone is a little rude — let that shit go. Take a deep breath, and move on. Choose to lead with empathy and show up with forgiveness for these folks or just walk away.

You really never know what anyone is going through. I hope that you know someone like me who is sparkle obsessed, always laughing, frequently traveling, surrounded by good people, life loving person — struggles too. People like me can succumb to suicide too. And that doesn’t make me less than.

Lastly, use your resources. Medicine, therapy, meditation, fitness, healthy eating, friends, family, puppies — use whatever is available to you and whatever you have the energy to reach out for. Hotlines and hospitals —anything you need — use it without shame. Asking for help isn’t shameful, it’s the bravest thing you can ever and will ever do. You are worthy and I’m so grateful you are here.

Life is a team sport

Everything in life relates back to sports. Nothing makes me more sure of that than experiencing the overwhelming support from friends, family, colleagues - even acquaintances as I’ve been open about my life journey.

And nothing has been made more clear to me than the idea that life is a team sport. You cannot get through life without a team.

Yet in America, we are very much living under leadership that tries to show us it is every white man for himself. What has thankfully come from that is a large group of people who refuse to be anything but compassionate for others. That’s where I’m currently moving each and every day.

The older I get, the more I see our country promote hate and divisiveness, the more I want to be patient, loving, caring, and engaged in life as a teammate.

What does it mean to be a good teammate in life?

Look, I cannot teach you how to care about other people. We shouldn’t have to show you a bunch of graphs and evidence as to why you should care. There is no help for the people who do not understand caring about other human beings matters.

This is for the people who care.

Being a good teammate is leading from a place of compassion. It’s thinking about life as an ecosystem that requires diverse entities in order to survive and thrive.

It means not operating from a place of greed. It means knowing you can have it all and more, so maybe helping someone else with the more that I have would be a really great thing to do.

It’s giving support to people who might need it more than you.

It’s saying I don’t know your struggle but I support you in going through it and being brave enough to share it.

It is acknowledging that we are all different, yet all equal in our value as a human life.

For me, it’s finding more patience and less judgement for others. It’s listening to their stories, hopes, dreams, and fears and simply saying I hear you. And it’s finding a way to help whenever I have the capacity to do so. It’s admitting I am privileged and while I don’t owe anyone anything because of that, I have the opportunity to be an ally for those who do not share my privilege.

I challenge you to figure out what you can do to be a better teammate in the world and work towards that. We can’t all make it if we don’t work as a team. Life ain’t fair, that ain’t your fault, but it ain’t worth the ugliness to pretend it’s every man for himself.

Look, maybe it isn’t important to you to be a good human. Maybe you don’t think helping others is a priority. That’s between you, yourself and your maker.

All I’m saying is, being on a team works for everyone. It’s the best way to leave people and this Earth a better place.

The Buddy System

With the high rates of depression and suicide in the news these days, the world has been encouraging each other to check up on people around us. And to really do it. To say “hey, are you ok?” and listen to that answer.

The more we show up for each other and truly listen to what we are saying, the more we are able to say “I’m here for you.” That’s a really powerful thing. We live in a time where people are more connected than ever but feeling lonelier than ever.

It’s also really easy to get caught up in our own lives. We are all busy trying to survive and thrive and that’s ok. It’s ok to know when you really need to be in the zone and focus on yourself.

Here’s what I’m finding though: when my team checks on me, I feel more accountability to check in with myself. It also forces me out of whatever hermit life I’ve sometimes sunken into and encourages me to engage. When people ask me how I’m doing and honestly want an answer, my heart grows times ten. I feel valued, respected, and heard.

The people in my life have really shown up for me in a buddy system way lately and I’m so grateful for it. I have lived so long as the one you don’t check up on. The one everybody knows is going to be ok. And while that may be very true, it does not mean I don’t struggle. The more my humans show up for me, the more I want to open up and share my life with them. It makes me feel safe, something I don’t often feel when it comes to sharing my life with others.

The point is, show up and create a buddy system. We all struggle. We all need that check in once in awhile to get through the dark times. Work with your inner core to get the phone tree going. Never let your people feel alone. Find a way to spend 5 minutes each day saying hey, I’m here for you, whatever you need.

Often times people don’t want to ask for help, or don’t know how. They may even beg off support. But we all need it. Whether that be delivering meals, sending a text, sitting with someone in silence, find a way to show up. Showing up is what matters.

Think of it like being a little kid. You had to have a buddy who you were responsible for. Ya;ll had to stick together and get each other through the day. This is what you’ve been training for. Stick with that buddy and get them through the day.