Take a breath.

Alright, I’m noticing these blogs are taking on a theme lately. I’m obviously thinking a lot about opinions, judgments, and respecting differences.

Humans are by nature judgmental. From looks to jobs to homes to opinions, we judge it all. The state of politics and social issues has only intensified the need to judge.

Because of that, I’ve made a conscious effort lately to take a breath. To take a breath and have compassion. To take a breath and remain neutral. To take a breath and move on.

Being judgmental is really exhausting. It’s a sickness that can aggravate anxiety and is really easy to avoid if you make a real effort to do so. You’ve got to understand that judgment on its own doesn’t do anything. It doesn’t change how another person acts. It doesn’t make you feel any better about anything.

Judgment is a poison.

If you’re going to judge another, have a plan of action afterwards. Either figure out why you’re judging and realize it has nothing to do with you and move on - or figure out how that judgment can be turned into positive action.

If you are judging the way someone looks, stop. That’s the type of judgment that is none of your business and says a lot more about you than anyone else.

If you are judging someone for being a racist, choose to educate and then choose to disassociate yourself with this person.

Judgment is a poison.

It will poison your heart, mind, and soul if you let it.

Most of the judgments we make each day are unnecessary. Most can be removed from your world entirely.

Actively choose to refuse to take part in this toxic culture. Take a breath. Make a decision based in positive outcomes moving forward.

The only way we can figure out how to absolve some of the hate we have is by choosing love. Educate with love. Speak with love. Lead from a place of love, if only for your own self care.

I have a lot of opinions.

This is not surprising, but I have a lot of opinions. Last weeks blog led me to dive a little deeper into the topic and I got to thinking about having a lot of opinions.

Like a lot. And I have not one problem sharing those opinions.

As I’ve gotten older though, I’ve learned that not everything requires me to have an opinion.

And it has changed my life.

Having anxiety means that little things that normally would not bother most people, sit with me for a long time. It’s part of the need to control my world and part of the high standards I hold for myself but for people with anxiety, it’s a daily battle not to internalize and overthink everything.

The odd thing about having a lot of opinions is that I’m actually one of the least judgmental people in the world. I’m the person you want to come to when you’ve done some embarrassing things because I will not judge. But if you come to me for advice, if you are someone important to me, I will become deeply invested in your story.

Which is what I found has led me to care too much about things and let them cause me stress when they don’t need to.

For example - if a friend comes to me for relationship advice and over and over does the things I have said not to do. I’m going to feel that deeply. It will frustrate me to no end that the person continues to do the thing that is causing them the problem.

If a friend complains constantly about a job they don’t enjoy, but lacks the initiative to make a change, that will make me bonkers.

And that’s on me.

What I’ve worked on lately is understanding that people are what they are, they’re going to do what they’re going to do and they will do it in their own time - and that has nothing to do with me.

The only thing I can control is me. The only think I should do for these people is be there for them. Give them honest advice, and then go about my day.

You have to save your give a fuck’s for the big things. The things that matter. If you waste all your fuck’s on the little things, you will self destruct.

So here’s what I do. When I’m overwhelmed or my inner anxiety monster starts to get wild about something someone else is doing in their life - I say to her - you know what, that’s not how I would live my life, but I respect how they live theirs.

And ain’t that the realest thing you could ever tell yourself?

Truth is, unless we are living someone else’s life, we don’t know what we would do. There’s a whole series of events and experiences that shape what each of us does. Not agreeing with another person’s choices doesn’t change them.

I care very deeply about the people that are important to me. I will always be this overly opinionated human being who just wants her tribe to have the best in the world. Yet that also means being my best self for them. Which means learning how to step back, listen, and not push my opinions on them. It also means not causing myself undue stress because I cannot control their actions.

It’s ok to have opinions. It’s ok to feel deeply invested in your people. It is not ok to create an unhealthy mindset because of those things.

We have enough to manage in our own lives, focus on how you can be your best self and the rest will follow.

Judgemental Behavior

People spend a lot of time judging. I'm not talking about the once in awhile comments everyone makes while people watching, I'm talking those people who have to have an opinion on everything, and usually its a mean one.  Everybody knows that one friend or co worker that has to comment on everything from what you're wearing to what you eat for lunch, to your love life.  Girls are notorious for this mentality.  And I'm over it. 

What does what someone is wearing, who they're dating, what they do for a living, or what they weigh have to do with you?  Explain to me how it greatly impacts your life?  I'll tell you how, it makes you negative; and negativity breeds negativity.  You don't know what is going on in that person's life that makes them who they are.  Making quick, irrelevant judgments of another person is negative, insecure, and boring.

With the prevalence of social media and celebrity presence everywhere, its extremely hard not to partake in a culture of comparison.  We are surrounded by people telling us how to look, what to wear, that money defines our worth, and that we have to conform to be relevant.  I get how we become judgmental with what's in front of us every second of the day.  I'm certainly guilty of being judgmental myself.  But its about accountability.  Recognize when you're being judgmental, stop the behavior, and re-focus your thoughts to a more positive place. 

In recent years I've challenged myself to tell people the kind things in my head.  If I see a girl walking down the street and I like her shoes, I tell her.  If I appreciate something positive someone says on Facebook, I'll compliment their attitude.  And from making a habit of saying these kind things out loud, I've become a less judgmental person.  I tend to notice the really unique things about people that make them great.  My brain has shifted from noticing society imposed faults to seeing positive attributes.  I don't feel the need to compare, I've gotten to this annoyingly positive place where I really am rooting for everyone.  Certainly I have my off moments (I know, you thought I was perfect...) but I can proudly say the majority of the time - I'm rooting for us all.

I think the easiest way to combat this need to judge is to get comfortable with yourself.  Admit your faults, celebrate your strengths, and get really healthy abut how you talk to yourself.  Often times the judgmental behavior we have towards others is a reflection of how we feel about ourselves.  When you're able to embrace your total package, you're more likely to accept the differences of others and see them as unique quirks rather than less than desirable habits.

My challenge to you, especially during a time when the leader of our country openly judges people for their race, class, and even mental impairments - try saying something positive about someone, or even to them. Even better, start with doing that to yourself.  And the next time you feel like bashing someone for their shoes/clothes/hair/lifestyle choices; why don't you re-group, re-evaluate your thinking; and say something positive,.  Mom was right, if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all.