Silver Linings Playbook

I’ve got a hot take that I want to first recognize is even possible because I have privilege.

Ready?

2020 is not that bad.

Let me explain.

Because I am privileged and have a job, a safe home and access to all my basic needs; I have focused on how grateful I am. And it’s changed my perspective on 2020.

Yes, I have had to cancel trips. Work has been extremely stressful. My anxiety has been a daily struggle. Depression has come back for the first time since I was a teenager. I don’t get to see a lot of family and friends. Concerts, sports - all canceled.

But I also have everything I need to survive and even thrive.

I am building relationships with people who I might not have if 2020 was a normal year. I am seeing more National Parks. I have time to workout more. I’m reading an average of two books a week. I am learning about boundaries and how to prioritize myself. I get to spend time with family. I’m more involved in political and social awareness and I’m putting in the work to make a difference. I’m realizing that work doesn’t define me.

All in all, I’m finding that I have more time to do a lot of the “I’ll get to it” things that I never actually had the time to do before.

Again, I cannot emphasize this enough, I am lucky. I am privileged. There are people who have none of this.

That’s a big reason why I am choosing to be grateful. Its why I want to focus on the good of 2020. Because it could be so much worse. And I know how easily I could lose it all.

I suggest that if you are as lucky as I am, you spend time talking about how lucky you are. You focus on the good around you and how you can potentially effect good around you. Certainly I’m not trying to downplay hardships we all have. My life is far from perfect in 2020 but it is good enough.

I get that we all love the memes and the 2020 jokes. They’re pretty damn funny. I just find that focusing on the silver linings and the things I’m grateful for is where my energy is best served.

2020 is not my favorite year, but it is a year I won’t give up on. I won’t chalk it up to a loss and I won’t call it the worst. I will call it the year that I learned to be more kind. More patient. More grateful. More aware of the life I have both been given and built.

I have always been attracted to shiny things, silver linings will always be one of those things.

Panicked

It is obviously a very strange and stressful time in our world right now. Everywhere we turn there is more scary news about the Coronavirus. And that’s causing a panic.

We should absolutely be taking this very seriously. It is a very serious virus and has proven to shut down entire nations. But there is absolutely no reason to panic.

I obviously life with anxiety. And I’m scared too because I have a compromised immune system.

I am also a realist. And I care about myself and others. So I am choosing not to panic. I am also choosing to self quarantine. You should be doing these things as well.

If you have anxiety, this is a challenge. So let’s talk about to make it easier.

Limit Exposure

I mean this literally by social distancing but I also mean in the form of a digital detox. Stay informed with reputable and real sources (aka stop listening to the White House), but limit the amount of negative information you are exposing yourself to. Log off social media where a lot of the information available is wrong. Turn the channel if you’ve already spent time updating yourself for the day. The more you take in the content that is negative, the more you will panic. Turn it off, turn off the thing that is exacerbating your anxiety.

Stay Occupied

Distractions are everything. Been meaning to clean out your closet and donate old clothes? Is that book your friend recommended gathering dust on your bedside table? Still have that Pilates class waiting in your DVR? Do those things. Choose positive distractions during this time. Do all the things we all put off in our regular busy lives. And if it doesn’t bring you joy, don’t do it.

Create a Safe Space

You’re going to be spending a lot of time at home. Put in the work to make it a safe and comfortable space for you. Prepare with the supplies you need (prepare, NOT panic), make a cozy space, clean and organize. Do everything you need to do in order to feel joy and calm in your space. The more you feel “at home” the easier it is to actually spend well, all of your time there.

Invest in the right kind of social

No, not social media. We are social beings, we need that connection. FaceTime your family and friends. Text with them. Send cards, emails, tag the memes! Continue to remain connected in a healthy low risk way to the people that are important to you. Even the most introverted person in the world is not going to survive with no human contact.

Keep moving

My fitness game the last week has been on point. Get outside. Go for a walk (if you’re in a suburban or rural area, city kids sorry - keep your workouts at home), sit outside, get a workout class in (virtually). Mental health is connected to physical health. Don’t sit too long. Don’t sleep all day. Get moving.

Eat healthy

Again, health body, healthy mind. You can still order groceries online. Cool healthy meals. Eat healthy snacks. You’ve got time to show your Pinterest board the recipes you’ve been saving are actually going to be out to use. Sure, indulge, but eat as healthy as you can.

I know, things seem bleak right now. Things are hard. They’re straight up not fun. And for a lot of people, they are terrifying. Show up for yourself and others by doing the right thing. Stay home. Be kind. Help others where you can. We will get through this, but we have to do it together.

Perfection

Growing up my safe space has always been to aim for perfection. When I fall short of that, I dwell in a really negative space. If I make a mistake at work, I say something unkind — I am not able to let that go.

Perfection is not attainable. It is not real. It’s not even really cool.

Yet at 34, I still cannot run far from that need to be perfect.

Growing up an athlete, it is ingrained in you to be the best at everything. And if you’re not the best, you work harder until you are. I have carried that throughout my adult life. It’s exhausting.

I spend a lot of time in therapy learning to cut myself a break. Because in reality, I’m not perfect and I never will be.

Something I have started is spending time talking positively to myself, about myself. I’m supposed to work to make at least 50% of the thoughts in my head positive. That sounds easy but I’d say 90% of my thoughts are not kind.

Every time I speak negatively in my head to myself, I am challenging myself to say something positive to counter that mean thought.

Being a perfectionist with anxiety is a bit of a curse, and it truly doesn’t work. Especially given that I often don’t have a filter. Retraining you’re mind to focus on the good, well it just makes the good better. It amplifies the sparkle and makes your whole world shine.

I know I’m not alone. A lot of former athletes (and a lot of humans in general) relate to the need to be perfect. It’s all we know to strive for.

What if we changed the narrative and strived to be great as we are? If we focused on how badass we are? If we let ourselves be flawed and be thankful for that?

I challenge you to spend more time living and less time focusing on how to live perfectly. When you thrive in spaces that are uncomfortable — you might just find some of the most magical moments of your life.

Get a new table.

A friend posted an article on Facebook the other day that had me clapping in my living room. The article talked about finding a table to sit at where you’re not worried about being the topic of discussion in a negative way. And never in my 33 years of life have I related to anything more.

For reference, here’s the article. It’s a quick read that leaves you clapping and cheering for the wonderful author.

The whole point is that if you’re sitting at a table and the conversation revolves around judgments, criticism, and negativity - when you get up, guess who that’s going to be aimed at? YOU. It means if you’re with a group of women who like to gossip, chances are you’ve been the topic before. A lot of us grow up thinking that is normal. That women just gossip and that’s the way we are.

It’s not. If that’s the table you’re at, leave. Ger a new table and new friends. Immediately.

Life is too short to spend time with people who don’t respect you enough to be your biggest cheerleader. Your friends should be empowering you to be your best self. They can keep it real with you, but they should not be bringing you down.

Bottom line - if you’re at a table that’s bringing the negativity, leave. Do not pass go, do not collect $200, leave. And find you a table that’s willing to support you fiercely. If your tribe isn’t lifting you up to believe you can do anything, dump them. Dump them now. move on, and move on fast. And don’t you dare look back!

Fountain of Youth

Never in my life have I been more invested in skincare as I am right now. I’m really lucky and have incredible olive skin. Essentially having one small zit every 6 months is really the worst that happens to me (knock on wood). I’m appreciative of that. However I’m not 22 anymore and I’m a highly expressive human. I’ve spent a lot of time in the sun (and le sigh, in tanning beds when I was young). I never took care of my skin in my 20’s. I’m 33 now, and that’s all changed. I’m committed to looking and feeling my best.

I’ve written about plastic surgery as well as injections in the past and here I am a year later still not ready to go that route yet. Again, I’m so here for that if its for you and eventually, I’ll get there. Right now, I’m not there.

But I am spending money on skincare products to look and feel my best. What you should know about me:

• Dry, sensitive skin

• Big believer in not spending thousands each month on products

• Not loyal to any one brand

• Lazy AF

That’s a really good background on me and how I spend when it comes to skincare. Here’s my general routine:

Morning: Cleaners, toner, exfoliant/antiaging serum, BB cream (with SPF 30)

Evening: Cleaners, toner, exfoliant/antiaging serum, retinol antiaging night cream, night eye cream

This is A LOT for me. To me, that’s 3,000 steps. But it’s basic enough that it’s manageable without making me get up earlier in the morning or commit too much time before bed. Now I do switch it up at night because retinol creams can be harsh on my sensitive skin. So I alternate between that and an antiaging serum paired with vitamin c serum.

Now to the meat of this thing, the products I’m loving right now (I’ve added in some outside my normal daily routine because I like to switch it up):

Cleanser

Aveeno Positively Radiant Brightening Cleanser (Target, $5.59)

I’m a huge fan of Aveeno products. They’re inexpensive and they are so gentle on my skin. I also use their makeup remover wipes. This cleanser is long lasting, gently exfoliates, and the bottle lasts me forever. I even bought a three pack on Amazon for $15 thinking I’d go through the bottle faster but one of these bad boys has lasted me 5 months.

Toner

Equate Beauty Deep Cleaning Toner (Walmart, $2.50)

Look, I’m not claiming this is the best toner on the market at $2.50 but it works really well for me. I’ve been using it for years and had no issues. Again, one bottle lasts me probably 3 months. A little goes a long way.

Exfoliating Liquid

Paula’s Choice Skin Perfecting 2% BHA Liquid (Paula’s Choice, $29.50)

A friend recommended this to me because she also has super sensitive skin. It’s the first Paula’s Choice product I’ve tried and I’m hooked. It’s made with simple ingredients, no frills packaging and safe enough for me to use twice a day. I noticed a difference in the softness of my skin as well as how bright my skin has been right away.

Antiaging Night Cream

ROC Retinol Night Cream (Amazon, $12)

This product has been around for decades. I love that it is constantly rated high on every product list and is still $12. You can really get it anywhere but for me, Amazon is easy. It’s effective and stands the test of time, which is good enough for me.

Eye Cream

Bare Minerals SkinLongevity Vital Power Eye Gel Cream (Amazon, $18)

I love Bare Minerals products so I tried out their SkinLongevity line and while the serum made me breakout, I’ve found success with the eye cream. It’s gotten rid of virtually all dark circles as well as made my eyes in general feel brighter and softer. I think it’s normally $25-$30 but I found it on Amazon for $18. It’s not just a night cream either so feel free to use this bad boy for your daytime cream too.

Antiaging Vitamin Night Serum

Derma e Antiwrinkle Night Serum (TJ Maxx, $5.99)

I first tried out Derma e products from my BirchBox sbscription and found I really enjoy them. I started seeing their products at TJ Maxx for anywhere from $5.99-$9.99 so I scooped them up. This night serum is a great trade off when I need a break from retinol which can be harsh on sensitive skin. It’s got a great consistency and gives my skin the vitamins it needs each evening. I top this off with their vitamin c serum as well.

Exfoliating Wash

ELF Gentle Peeling Exfoliant (ELF.com, $8)

I bought this on Black Friday when everything on ELF was 60% off. I LOVE IT.  I believe it was $8, but don’t quote me. It’s gentle on my sensitive skin but you can see and feel it working as the dead skin lifts right off your face and neck. Highly recommended for those of you who are too sensitive for intense exfoliating treatments at the spa but still need to get that refresh. I only use it maybe 2x a week max.

That’s it. That’s what I’m loving right now. I have a lot of masks as well as some other face washes but these are my tried and true go to products right now.

What are you using? Share with your friend sequins!

Whiner Whiner Chicken....Shut Up

I'm not sure if it's because I'm in a good place but I seem to feel as if everyone around me has a whole lot to whine about. Whether they're too busy, hate their job, their partner isn't hearing them, they're feeling bad about themselves, they can't get over a relationship, the list goes on and the complaints are never ending.

For me, there's an acceptable level of whining in life. And there are rules around what's acceptable to complain about in the first place.

And a majority of the things people are whining about are not on the acceptable list. They've also exceeded the allotted time allowed for whining.

If you've created a problem for yourself. If you're refusing to accept a situation for what it is. If you're unwilling to make a change - shut up. Stop whining.

While I may seem harsh (It's because I am), the point is, as an adult, you owe it to yourself and those around you to be better. Stop complaining and start actively being a participant in the success of your life.

I don't know if as a culture we've become extra sensitive or we feel the need to constantly evaluate our feelings but I promise you, you're just fine. You're having a hard time because you've created a hard time. You can't get out of the rut because all you do is exist in the rut.

I'm so sick of people who just whine.

I am always here to support you as a friend but if the root of your problem is you, I'm going to tell you. As your friend, I owe you the truth so that you can grow and become your best you.

I am not the friend you go to if you want the lie. I won't tell you I'm sorry life is being so unfair to you. I'm not going to commiserate with you about things that are within your control. It's insulting to me, you, and life.

Lately I've been so overwhelmed and frustrated with the drama that others have tried to bring into my world by their constant negativity and self centered complaining. And what I realized is that if I'm choosing to engage in that, I'm creating the negative situation for myself. So I spoke up.

I started saying yes, it is you. I'm sorry you feel this way but you're putting yourself in this situation. I hate that you're unhappy but you're not doing anything to make yourself happy. It's awful you're in a job you hate but I haven't seen you put the effort in to get a new one.

And I have not stopped.

Sure - it's caused some awkwardness and tension in the friendship. I've gone radio silent with a couple people because they're still not in a place to get it.

I deserve attention and support too. And I deserve a friend who wants to make it about me too. And I want to surround myself with people who value growth, who don't settle for thinking life owes them anything.

I'm going to be honest again - I've been there. I've complained and asked why me when the why IS me. I've been the root of my own problem. And I probably will have moments like that again. However, for the most part, I'm a woman of action.

I don't like my job? I get a new one. I hate where I've moved? I move again. I'm in a bad relationship? I end it.

Surely that's not easy. And it's often a process.

But stop with the "I could never do that." or "That's so cold." It's not. You're making excuses because you haven't found the courage to take action.

If you're not in a place to move on from the whining and complaining, do you. But just you. Don't poison anyone else by bringing that choice into their world. Be responsible for your own situation and respect the people you love by not burdening them with your drama. Harsh much? Yes. Because being a grown up is being accountable for who you are to the people you love.

Life gets better when you make the active choice to be a participant in the way it goes. And you're a better teammate when you take responsibility for how you engage with the team. Are you in it for the win or are you okay sitting in the bench with a participation trophy?

Sparkle Vibe Challenge

A few weeks back I posted a status on Facebook that became a bit of a tiny movement. All I did was ask for more puppy pics and less ignorance. And the results were that over 100 people posted pictures of their furry friends to my statement. And I have never felt happier.

Because of this, I've created a weekly challenge called the Sparkle Vibe Challenge. Each week I provide a new topic to Facebook and people have to post a corresponding image.

The goal is really just to make people smile. Facebook can often feel like a hostile environment due to politics, religion, etc. etc. I post about these things too. And I think it's important to speak loud and proud about what is right. But it's gone from discussion to attacks, hateful jabs, and just ugly reactions from people I have grown to no longer care for.

I'm not saying stop talking about things that matter. Please don't ever stop.

But I'd like to sprinkle a little positive vibes into the social media space as well. Sparkle Vibe challenge is my way of building people up and spreading a little sparkle into a space that doesn't always feel so sparkly.

What are you doing to help make your social media world a little more positive when it can feel so very damaging?

Daily Mantras

I'm not really into all this new age feel good wellness.  I'm still getting used to the idea of therapy, let alone balancing my chakras, shaking some crystals, and using sage to cleanse my space.  

You've really got to start slow with me when it comes to all this meditation and such.

So I'm starting with mantras.  I've started with daily affirmations/mantras - whatever you want to call them - that give me a positive vibe to focus on for the day.

Obviously I've started with Pinterest to find myself these magical words of motivation. 

Let me share out a few with you:

I'm not sure that my entire life has changed yet - but it's a really easy start for the hippie skeptic that I am.  Here's how you incorporate it into your life:

1. Write down your daily mantra 

2. Say it to yourself to start the day

3. Keep it with you throughout the day and remind yourself of it when you're struggling

That's it.  It's simple, it's purposeful, and it's not too braids and bongs for the common realist.

Get out there and make the day better sequins! 

Practice What You Preach

I'm very hard on myself.  A lot of us are.  Life comes with a lot of pressures.  I think one of the greatest things you can do for yourself is remind yourself what makes you great.  That being said, I'm very bad at actually following through on it myself.

As a woman, we are often trained to be humble.  To downplay attributes and successes.  We beg off compliments and are taught to be caretakers.  A lot of the time, we forget to be selfish and celebrate the things that make us great.

So I'm going to put my list out there.  I'm pretty great because:

1. I am a fiercely loyal and protective friend
2. I am a passionate person
3. I give to others
4. I'm a talented athlete
5. I am successful
6. I take risks
7. I've got a contagious smile
8. I impact others by being a source of sunshine
9. I'm a good writer
10. I sparkle

It seems easy, but writing down qualities that make me great is actually quite hard.  I stopped many times to wonder, does this sound conceited?  Will this be taken negatively?  And that sucks.  Being kind to yourself is hard.  Openly saying - "I'm pretty MF fabulous" is even harder.  But it's necessary.  Life is hard.  Being kind to yourself shouldn't be.  What does your list look like my sequins?

My 14th Mid-Life Crisis

In the past year (or so), I've had no less than about one billion major life changes.  I left an abusive work environment, moved to Los Angeles, was laid off from a job I didn't even enjoy, had a health scare (or two), have been dealing with major family issues, had a breakup with a guy I never should have dated, moved to a new state, got a job in a new industry, and the list goes on.  For someone who truly is all sparkles and smiles - my shine level has felt a little low at times. 

Which leads me to my 14th mid-life crisis. 

I am often told it appears I have it all figured out.  That everything in my life is together.  I've got the career, the confidence, the looks (GUYS STAWWWP), you get the point.  And for that reason, I felt it was important to make it crystal clear that this is not in fact true.

I don't have everything figured out.  I struggle like the rest of you.  Some days I'm exhausted and fed up and question all the choices I've made.  And some days, I feel like nothing can stop me.  But not once do I feel like I am the picture of perfection.

I try to be very open about my insecurities and my battles because I'm very aware that I can come off unicorns and rainbows 24/7.  But recently I've had a lot of people come to me for advice and guidance with their own struggles.  It was pointed out to me that it's because I appear to have all the answers.

Guys - I don't.  I have like 4 answers and they all end in wine or glitter.  You know what, 5 answers because puppy snuggles. 

In all seriousness (gross who is serious?) - my life isn't completely put together - but it isn't falling apart either - and that's because I will not ever let it.  I have my mini mid life crisis and I move on.  Maybe it seems I've got it all figured out because I stay positive, work hard, and reflect on where I'm at.  I'm not dwelling on what's going wrong and if something is going wrong you can bet I'm actively working to fix it.

Sometimes I have a mid life crisis.  I actually think I'm on 32 at this point.  I have complete breakdowns and I question my choices and where I'm at.  I make the wrong decision.  I let myself have a moment of weakness.  I'm the same as everyone else out there who experiences these thins in life.  The only difference, I don't let it define me.

I am beyond flattered that people come to me for advice.  I feel eternally humbled when people tell me they can relate to what I write about.  And I love being able to speak from experience to help other people get through hard times.  Because I have been there.

Maybe I do have it more together than most.  But truthfully, I think I'm just more willing to suck it up, change my situation (or my attitude) and push for what I want. 

 This is making me feel better already.  Goodbye 14th midlife crisis. See you for 15 in a month or so?