Take a breath.

Alright, I’m noticing these blogs are taking on a theme lately. I’m obviously thinking a lot about opinions, judgments, and respecting differences.

Humans are by nature judgmental. From looks to jobs to homes to opinions, we judge it all. The state of politics and social issues has only intensified the need to judge.

Because of that, I’ve made a conscious effort lately to take a breath. To take a breath and have compassion. To take a breath and remain neutral. To take a breath and move on.

Being judgmental is really exhausting. It’s a sickness that can aggravate anxiety and is really easy to avoid if you make a real effort to do so. You’ve got to understand that judgment on its own doesn’t do anything. It doesn’t change how another person acts. It doesn’t make you feel any better about anything.

Judgment is a poison.

If you’re going to judge another, have a plan of action afterwards. Either figure out why you’re judging and realize it has nothing to do with you and move on - or figure out how that judgment can be turned into positive action.

If you are judging the way someone looks, stop. That’s the type of judgment that is none of your business and says a lot more about you than anyone else.

If you are judging someone for being a racist, choose to educate and then choose to disassociate yourself with this person.

Judgment is a poison.

It will poison your heart, mind, and soul if you let it.

Most of the judgments we make each day are unnecessary. Most can be removed from your world entirely.

Actively choose to refuse to take part in this toxic culture. Take a breath. Make a decision based in positive outcomes moving forward.

The only way we can figure out how to absolve some of the hate we have is by choosing love. Educate with love. Speak with love. Lead from a place of love, if only for your own self care.

Career Corner: Some Advice

It has been a minute since I’ve provided any sort of career advice!

Something I’ve been working on in my own career journey lately is making myself a differentiator. What that means is what can you do to make yourself stand out at work so that when it is time for raises, promotions, and bonuses - you are at the forefront of management’s mind?

Here’s what I’m doing.

Master your role

First and foremost you need to be a master of your role. This should be your number one priority at all times. You cannot expect to be rewarded for anything until you know how to excel at what you’re paid to do. Additionally, any networking you’ve done, any side projects, none of those matter if you are only mediocre at the job. Be the best at what your roles and responsibilities are before anything else. That is your brand.

Next Level

Once you’re completely mastered your current role, look to what the next step responsibilities are and start mastering those. For example, if a promotion for you means managing others, start to be a leader on your team. Support others, provide growth opportunities, share feedback. Become someone that is a resource for the rest of the team. Be seen as a leader among your peers.

Learn Learn Learn

Never stop learning. If your company provides growth training or opportunities to attend conferences, take them. I work in tech. I am constantly having to reeducate myself on our technologies and solutions as well as teach myself about the ever changing new tech in the world. Never ever get comfortable in thinking that you are an expert. There is always something more to learn.

Differentiate

Figure out an area that your company or team is lacking and provide solutions for growth. Showcase the skills you have that can fill this void. I am passionate about hospitality and creating one of a kind experiences. I work at a company with endless resources to accomplish this. So I’ve challenged myself to go the extra mile and provide next level experiences for our customers.

Network

Always be networking. But effectively. It’s about who you know, but it’s also about the relationships that are authentic. And back to number one, the best networking you can do is be great at your job. You will get noticed when your brand is associated with excellence. It’s also about making meaningful connections. Don’t always look for the highest ranking person in the room, they truly rarely have time for you (rightfully so). Get to know people in the room that can provide a mutually beneficial relationship and that can teach you something. Be respectful of their time. Be authentic. Don’t be someone who only reaches out because they need something. Networking shouldn’t be a forced fake interaction. It should be real and make sense for two people.

It seems simple, but that’s a lot of things to put in place. Put the work in. Be a good person. Go above and beyond. Be authentic. And when it’s your time, give back to the next generation.

Good luck out there sequins!

I have a lot of opinions.

This is not surprising, but I have a lot of opinions. Last weeks blog led me to dive a little deeper into the topic and I got to thinking about having a lot of opinions.

Like a lot. And I have not one problem sharing those opinions.

As I’ve gotten older though, I’ve learned that not everything requires me to have an opinion.

And it has changed my life.

Having anxiety means that little things that normally would not bother most people, sit with me for a long time. It’s part of the need to control my world and part of the high standards I hold for myself but for people with anxiety, it’s a daily battle not to internalize and overthink everything.

The odd thing about having a lot of opinions is that I’m actually one of the least judgmental people in the world. I’m the person you want to come to when you’ve done some embarrassing things because I will not judge. But if you come to me for advice, if you are someone important to me, I will become deeply invested in your story.

Which is what I found has led me to care too much about things and let them cause me stress when they don’t need to.

For example - if a friend comes to me for relationship advice and over and over does the things I have said not to do. I’m going to feel that deeply. It will frustrate me to no end that the person continues to do the thing that is causing them the problem.

If a friend complains constantly about a job they don’t enjoy, but lacks the initiative to make a change, that will make me bonkers.

And that’s on me.

What I’ve worked on lately is understanding that people are what they are, they’re going to do what they’re going to do and they will do it in their own time - and that has nothing to do with me.

The only thing I can control is me. The only think I should do for these people is be there for them. Give them honest advice, and then go about my day.

You have to save your give a fuck’s for the big things. The things that matter. If you waste all your fuck’s on the little things, you will self destruct.

So here’s what I do. When I’m overwhelmed or my inner anxiety monster starts to get wild about something someone else is doing in their life - I say to her - you know what, that’s not how I would live my life, but I respect how they live theirs.

And ain’t that the realest thing you could ever tell yourself?

Truth is, unless we are living someone else’s life, we don’t know what we would do. There’s a whole series of events and experiences that shape what each of us does. Not agreeing with another person’s choices doesn’t change them.

I care very deeply about the people that are important to me. I will always be this overly opinionated human being who just wants her tribe to have the best in the world. Yet that also means being my best self for them. Which means learning how to step back, listen, and not push my opinions on them. It also means not causing myself undue stress because I cannot control their actions.

It’s ok to have opinions. It’s ok to feel deeply invested in your people. It is not ok to create an unhealthy mindset because of those things.

We have enough to manage in our own lives, focus on how you can be your best self and the rest will follow.

Social Media Savvy

Social media is the new wave of connectivity.  Billions of dollars are spent on research determining the best days, times, and platforms for engaging with business and consumers.  For most of us building brands for our small businesses, this strategy looks a little bit different. But if you ever hope to have a successful brand, you better have a very well thought out strategy to get you there.  I'm no expert, and I'm also no social media star.  My brand is in its very early stages of infancy, which is even more reason to develop my approach strategically.  As someone who consistently does her research, creates a plan, and then evaluates the plan, I like to think I know a little bit about being social media savvy.

So whether you're creating an empire, or simply looking for likes - create a plan for engagement and while this doesn't always ensure your success, it does increase your chances.  

Create your Voice

Who are you?  What is your brand?  What do you want your presence to say?  My blog is authentically my voice.  How I speak on here is eerily similar to how I speak in person.  I knew I wanted to be a brand that speaks to keeping it real to my experiences, values, and personality.  Whenever I write, I keep that voice consistent.  Don't confuse your base by being inconsistent.  If your followers cannot figure out who you are, they're very quickly going to lose interest in trying to find out.

Define your Audience

I get it - you want to appeal to the masses to maximize your following.  Realistically, that's not how it works.  If you don't define who your consumer is, you won't appeal to anyone.  Define what your brand is, define who that brand best relates to, and target your voice to that audience.  For example, my peers (millennials) are who spend the most time engaging with my content.  That includes young professionals and those in their early 30's.  I know that's where my strength lies and that's who I write to.  

Set a Goal

Every single thing you do in life should have a goal.  A very clearly laid out goal.  Stop saying "I want to be famous."  Having "millions of followers" is not a targeted goal.  Create a series of goals based on where you are in the building process and up your goal every time you reach success. I'd like to write a book one day.  To do that, I'd like to create a fan base - a group of people who consistently engage with my content.  In my mind, that looks like a minimum of 10,000 blog subscribers.  Everything I do for my website - I keep these goals in mind.  Of course there are many more layers to my goals, but a girl can't share her master plan with everyone.

Follow Through

I know far too many people who always want to do something.  They're going to start a fashion line, become a photographer, start a consulting firm.  But 98% of those people don't do any of those things.  They're not even mediocre at their day jobs and if you're barely keeping your main hustle, your side hustle doesn't stand a chance.  Treat your side hustle (your dreams) like a real job - because it is.  Dedicate time, hold yourself accountable to that time, and remain organized.  Sure, you could leak a sex tape and maybe be a Kardashian one day - but for 99.9% of us, that's not happening.  You're not getting discovered.  Nobody is waiting to give you a deal.  Everyone is talented, and everyone has an idea.  Not everyone is willing to put the time and effort in.

As short a list as that seems, that's a lot to do.  It's a lot of time, discipline, and making the choice to give up some fun for some good ole fashioned work.  Sure, some people get lucky.  But luck only gets you so far.  Even if you're the 1% who breaks in, I can promise you that without a plan, a brand, and a goal - you'll be just as quickly back to being a nobody before your next IG post.

The Five Year Plan

The best advice I have ever been given, in work and in life, is to say screw your five year plan, what's your five day plan?  How are you maximizing the seconds in your everyday to get yourself to your future goals?  Who cares about your five year plan if you spend your next five days watching Netflix?  What are you doing to make the most of your time now?

I used to live by the five year plan.  My whole life has a plan.  I think I came out of the womb planning every second of my life.  When asked about my five year plan in an interview, I have always had a detailed and kick ass response.  The truth is - I'm not doing any of the things I planned all these years.  

My last five years have been a series of four states, about as many jobs, a handful of relationships, breakups, makeups, friendships that fell apart, and friendships that became family.  I never lost those extra pounds, I don't own a house - and not one person has let me become Emperor of Sparkle.

The more I plan, the more my plans fall apart.  Adjusting my view to focus on short term has been quite the challenge.  But the more I engage in the next five minutes, the more joy I feel and the more successful I find myself (personally and professionally) in the next five years.

How many times have you put your goals on hold because you figure they're long term, there's time?  How many hours have you spent procrastinating because it didn't need to get done today?  But if you've got a goal to accomplish in five minutes - or five days - you don't have time to wait - you've got to make it happen NOW.

Let's chat examples.  My biggest career goal in life is to be happy.  To love what I do, love where I do it, and get paid enough to travel the world.  I'm not willing to wait five years for that to happen.  So I make time every single day to evaluate where I'm at in my career.  I look at what I'm doing everyday, who I'm working with, and where my finances are - and if in five days I cant find happy most of the time - I start working towards changing that.  I'm not waiting a year, or five years to say be patient, the happy will come.  I am talking to my colleagues, bosses, mentors, and I'm saying I love this, I don't love this - help me figure out where I can adjust, where you can adjust - so that I'm happy.

In my personal life, I struggle with health and wellness.  I get sick often, beat my body up, and I sleep significantly less than a human being should.  I don't have five years to spare living like this.  And I can't wait five years to feel my healthiest and happiest.  So everyday, I prioritize fitness.  I prioritize self care.  I go so far as to make time each hour of the day to do something that simply gives me some personal joy.  Some days that means taking a 20 minute Starbucks break at 3PM.  Most days it means leaving work by 4PM to make 430 Pilates.  Once in awhile it means spending 10 minutes shopping the Nordstrom semiannual sale online.  Every single time, it adds value and happiness to my world.  I'm a significantly better human when I take five minutes to put me first instead of waiting even five days to make me a priority.

Nobody said you should be working every second of every day, but if you're not making the moments count now - how do you ever plan to achieve the big moments down the road?

I Write a Blog.

Most of the time - 99.9% of the time, I write this blog for me.  I write about the things I'm thinking, feeling, and going through.  It's really all about me.  But I thought to myself - sometimes you've got to give the people what they want!

SO - now is your chance.  Leave a comment, send me a message - tweet me - whatever!  Let me know what you struggle with, have questions about, want to hear my opinions about.  Pretty much anything is on the table because I've certainly got an opinion about everything!

Seriously - someone give me something fun to write about, I'm up for a challenge!

...And as always, thank you for the support my sequins!

Professionally Social

I've met a lot of people lately who are either not on or do not utilize LinkedIn.  They don't see the value of another form of social media or they're not sure how to be socially active professionally.  I can confidently say that LinkedIn, when used correctly, is a huge resource for networking and seeking out business opportunities you might not have otherwise found.

Let's start with the basics:

LinkedIn is NOT Facebook

While LinkedIn is in fact another form of social media, it's intended for professional use.  Treat it as such  or you risk losing respect as a professional in the world of business.  Keep your profile picture appropriate.  Limit your posts to content that has to do with work.  Skip the emojis and selfies.  If you don't want your boss or the owner of your company seeing it, don't post it.  

Don't Add Contacts Just to Add Contacts

If you don't know someone or have not done business with them, do not click add.  Should you want to connect with someone because you think they would help you grow your network in a positive way, take the time to write a note about your intentions.  Who cares if you have 5,000 connections if they're not meaningful engagements.   

LinkedIn is NOT a Dating Site

It's entirely inappropriate to utilize LinkedIn as a dating service.  Do not hit on people.  Do not send unprofessional correspondence.  I respect people and their companies less if they choose to engage with me in any way that does not respect the boundaries of a professional interaction.  I've gone so far as to report someone to their company for sexual messaging.  Leave the romance to Bumble and don't risk making yourself or your company look bad.

Be Socially Active

Take the time to keep your profile up to date.  Spend time building your profile to represent who you are as a professional.  LinkedIn is an online resume, take it as seriously as you would the resume you send to companies you're applying to.  Additionally, engage in meaningful conversation, post content relevant to your industry, and build your brand through showcasing your work.  I check LinkedIn daily and try to post a few times a week.  It's allowed me to connect with people in my industry and gain feedback into my work.

Network Network Network

LinkedIn is for networking.  Never forget that it's an opportunity to engage with other professionals in a positive way.  Put yourself out there and connect with people who can help you grow.  Also be willing to provide growth for those around you.  And never forget to be authentic in how you build relationships or you won't find much success in networking overall.  

I've made some incredible connections on LinkedIn and even been offered legitimate roles.  It's an incredibly underutilized tool that can help you grow your career and build a strong personal brand.  And in a world where it's all about who you know, why wouldn't you want to give yourself every advantage possible?

Career Corner, Part 324856

Can we celebrate the fact that I remembered I was going to call these pieces on business "Career Corner?".  Today, on this episode of Career Corner, we are going to talk about email etiquette.  Something I've noticed lately is a lack of effective communication when it comes to emailing and it's due to:

Poor spelling and grammar

Inappropriately informal writing

Aggressive verbiage

Poor Spelling and Grammar

Nothing makes me cringe faster than seeing misspelled words or improperly formatted sentences.  This is the most basic effort you can show when composing an email.  Your computer even helps you with the spelling.  When I read an email with more than one spelling or grammar mistake, my respect for that person's work ethic drastically declines.  If the person is young, I can already tell they're not committed to hard work.  If they're older and more experienced, I question if they value how they engage with those around them.  Do a spell check, review your formatting - if you don't have time to do this basic task, you're not setting yourself up for success.

Inappropriately Informal Writing

I'm not a formal person.  Not at work, not in my personal life.  But I take the way I represent myself very seriously.  Know your audience, understand how you're writing your email.  Don't add a bunch of emojis to your signature, do not use slang, when in doubt, go more formal.  It's ok to incorporate your personality into the way that you write at work, especially between same ranking colleagues, but if you're young or informal in general - if you write too informal, you're going to be seen as young and immature.  There's also something to be said for not trying too hard and going way too formal.  Don't bust out the thesaurus in an attempt to sound smart if these aren't words you're using in your everyday life.  Understand the company culture, the person you're writing to, and how you want to represent yourself before you hit send.

Aggressive Verbiage

I've been victim of this before and I'm especially cognizant of it now.  I've gone too formal and come off extremely aggressive.  Do not use the "per my previous email."  Don't utilize language that feels like it's pointing fingers.  I'm a big proponent of picking up the phone in situations like these and summarizing in a follow up email to diffuse any unnecessary tension.  The point is, when you're angry or you're trying to get a point across and you're really in a passionate moment, slow down.  That's when you should be especially aware of how you're writing your email in order to avoid any ruffled feathers for no reason.  

The art of the email is very difficult in a world that is growing more informal by the day. Millennial tech companies are encouraging the relaxed lifestyle and way of engaging.  Be mindful and aware that while it's perfectly acceptable to forego the suit and tie way of life, don't let your guard down so much that your communication becomes sloppy.  Review everything before you send it.  When in doubt, ask for advice on how to manage a difficult email. 

Often times we spend about 80% of our business relationships in the digital space.  So who you are in email, is who people see you as in a professional setting.  Emails are in fact a huge part of your brand.  Do you want that image to be of someone who is sloppy and difficult to communicate with or do you rightfully want to be seen as a team player who cares about the details?

Leadership Potential

As you grow and advance in your career, you are likely to become a manager.  In a lot of ways, there's not a whole lot of training around this when it happens.  Because of that, a lot of new managers lack an identity as a leader.  

When you are given the honor and the responsibility of managing others, it is a defining moment for you, your career, and the career path of others.  

Think back to the supervisors you've had over the years.  Most likely you work harder, are more efficient, and stay with a company longer when you have a good supervisor.  Alternatively when you're stuck with someone who micromanages, doesn't give clear direction or is just plain unpleasant you probably accomplish less and leave your company a lot more quickly.  Being a boss give you the opportunity to shape the framework for how your company operates.  It also affords you the opportunity to shape the future of those who will go out into the world  and become leaders themselves.  Selfishly, I also want to be a good leader so that my name is out there as someone who is great to work for.  

So how do you become a good leader/manager/boss?

Take the Role Seriously

First understand that being a boss is an important role.  It's not about just you anymore.  You're being trusted to represent the company you work for and to teach other employees what that company stands for.  You will be shaping the careers of others and are often in control of their future roles within the organization

Decide what kind of boss you want to be

Figure out what characteristics you have valued in past supervisors and which ones made your skin crawl.  And then be realistic about what works for you and the group you're supervising.  I hate being micromanaged, but I also understand that sometimes when team members are new they require more oversight.  Make a list of things that are your top priority and figure out how to make those your defining qualities as a boss.  For me that's communication, excellence in expectations, and providing the confidence in my team to do their jobs.

Be Consistent

Whatever type of manager you become, be consistent.  Nothing is worse than a boss who lacks consistency.  Figure out who you are as the team leader and consistently be that person.  It's ok to evolve, but don't decide you don't want to micromanage and then become the person who looks over everyone's shoulder.  The fastest way to frustrate your subordinates is by being unpredictable.

Be Flexible

What works for one employee does not work for all.  Some of your team may require more guidance.  Others don't need any.  Understand their strengths and weaknesses and be flexible as a leader so that you're providing the tools to success for your team.  This includes how you assign projects and give feedback.  Be aware and be flexible.   

Give up the Friendship Role

I'm not a formal person.  As a supervisor I'm probably more approachable and laid back than a lot.  But I'm also very quick to point out the misses and make sure we are working towards excellence.  It's ok to be friendly, but give up the role of friend to those you supervise.  There are boundaries as the boss and they are very critical to the success of your career as a manager.

Be Open to Criticism and Growth

Ask for feedback from both your superiors and those you supervise.  Is all of it going to be useful?  Probably not.  But being open to feedback allows you to reflect on the things you aren't able to see everyday and to grow and adjust how you lead the team.  If you're not constantly looking to how you can be a better manager, you're in no position to be one to begin with.

Being a boss is all of the emotions.  It's exciting, scary, stressful, growth - it's a really cool honor.  But there's a very fine line between being a successful boss and being the person who nobody wants to work for.  Take the role seriously and do everything you can to be you but in a way that promotes success for yourself, your team, and your company.

The Breakup Debate. A Memoir.

I've had an internal debate for most of my life regarding dating, men, and how to respond when they do shitty things.  Essentially - you've got two options:

1. Ghost
2. Confront

Now historically I think women are taught to be caregivers and to give men a lot of slack when it comes to doing things that aren't ok.  We are taught to say it's ok when its not and that if we call a man out we are bitches.

But I think there's also something to be said for simply walking away from an unhealthy situation.  To move forward and to take care of yourself.

Traditionally I have played the role of the ghost.  I mean I've completely moved states to avoid relationships and commitment so it's not surprising that when someone treats me poorly, I generally just disappear.  I'll delete your number, remove you from social media - RIP you no longer exist to me.  And I'm not the girl who gives in and texts you - we will literally never speak again.  If you reach out - I'll do everything possible to end the contact as quickly as humanly possible.  If you show me I don't matter to you - I am very easily able to say you no longer mean anything to me. 

But recently - I've had the urge to call men on their shenanigans.  Because I'm a grown up.  And I'm a good human being.  I'm kind to others, I'm a good partner, and a phenomenal catch.  And I don't deserve your crap.

My two most recent relationships/whatever the hell that last one was have been exact opposites in terms of how I've handled the ending.  The first one - I was very honest about the lack of maturity and really crappy way he handled the situation.  And that was what I needed to have full closure and realize we never should have dated.  Months - we are talking MONTHS later - he reached back out to apologize which turned into him making excuses for the way he acted.  And I let him say what he needed to say, wished him well - and we haven't spoken since. 

The second whatever - because it was one of those - IDK what this is slash WTF is even happening - I've ghosted.  He was a really important friend to me and someone who for the first time I started to open up to and place trust in.  And then he did a 180 and created a really bad situation.  He abused the friendship and for me - when you break the respect of a friendship, that's it for the relationship.  But I've said nothing.  I've gone full ghost and have zero intentions of changing that.   

Yea ok - there's a lot of factors coming into how to handle these things.  Length of relationship.  Were you friends before.  What did they do.  It's a scientific strategy really.  And I can spend hours arguing for both sides.  But ultimately - I think it's what makes you feel good.  Someone treated you like a burnt brownie and you don't deserve that - you're a cupcake with sprinkles.  If you need to say excuse me - that wasn't cool asshole - SAY IT.  If the way you heal is to move forward without a word - go head girlfriend - you ghost like the wind. 

Now this is where I ask your advice - and then if I hate it - I'll ignore it because I don't need that kind of negativity in my life.

I pose some questions:

What do you think is the best way to handle when your partner does you wrong?  Do you ghost?  Do you confront?  Do you create a mix of the two?  I don't know what the right action is, probably depends on a myriad of factors realistically. Hit me with your best words of wisdom my sequins!