Women in Sports

It’s 2021 and we are still doing this. We are still in a blind spot when it comes to so many aspects of women in sports. One of the biggest blind spots is how women are treated in the workplace by our colleagues, executives, fans, Twitter trolls — you get the point.

I spent the first 10 years of my carer in the sports industry. And I loved it. Sports have been such a huge part of my life and who I am, it was my dream to build a life in that world. I never thought I’d leave.

It also gave me some of my darkest days, most unhealthy lifestyle, and was the time I doubted myself the most. The worst job I ever had was in professional sports. It left me broken, physically ill, and destroyed my confidence.

I left sports in large part because the lifestyle was not sustainable for me. My passion for sports can exist outside of working in the industry. I am happier, healthier, better treated, make more money, and all around thriving in the tech industry and I am so grateful I was able to make that pivot.

What really gets me riled up every time a new asshole is exposed for sending lewd texts or harassing women in the work place is how shocked everyone acts. Even in the sports industry itself. Everyone is appalled. Teams vow this isn’t who they are. Men are put on leave, issue an apology written by a PR company. Organizations vow to commit to change. They hire a token female.

It’s bullshit. All of it.

Every woman in sports has a story. Probably many.

I knew going into the industry I’d be sexually harassed at some point. And I was. Many times. I brushed it off. I brushed it off for almost two years until I broke down and spoke up. I was fired the next day for not “fitting the values of the organization.”

I knew I’d have to work harder, wear higher heels, and learn to laugh at the crude humor. And I did. Over and over again I did.

I was also in a generally toxic situation working for a team that to this day is a fucking mess. The bullying and generalized mind games were actually worse than any sexual harassment I faced. And I realize how fucked up that is to say. To rank my experience by which type of harassment I’d face on the daily.

Think of the most stereotypical boys club and multiply that disgusting behavior by 100 and you’ve got what I went to the office to experience each day.

When I worked in college sports, it was much of the same. I had a boss physically prevent me from leaving the room. I had another charged with a federal crime that I legally can’t speak about. I was told to wear a low cut top to seal a deal.

These are all my experiences. And they’re vast. They’re my unique story as a woman in sports.

But they are far from the only story. And probably not even that shocking to other women in the industry.

Even within the ecosystems I worked, I know other women who experienced their own version of the ugly side of being a woman in sports. Most have left the industry entirely.

I didn’t speak a lot about the specifics of what I dealt with at the team I worked for. I spoke about surface level toxicity but nobody knows about a lot of the very real and deep issues I have as a result of that experience.

I’m loud. I speak up. I cause trouble. I am the person who goes to HR or to leadership when I see injustice. I will never not try to right a wrong. I will always be that person.

Because of that, I think it’s easy to ignore what I have to say about these things. You’ve heard it before. How could this happen to someone again? Is she just making trouble? She’s just being difficult. She’s so dramatic.

I don’t tell the full story because I know what’s it like to not be believed. To be told you’re overreacting. So I sucked it up and I dealt with it.

I think about that a lot when it comes to women in sports. When I see a woman who exposes something a man has done, I think about how much it took to get her to that point. I know that wasn’t the first incident. I wonder how scared she is. I fear for the repercussions. I worry about her being let go and losing one more woman in a male dominated industry. My heart breaks because I wonder if she will ever speak up again.

I think about the other women who feel strong enough to speak up because she tells her story. I worry about the support systems they have in place to help them through this. I fear for the reactions of her colleagues. I worry about how she’s running through every mistake she made in her mind, because surely it will be used against her. I pray that she’s strong enough to deal with what comes after.

Women are the strongest people on the planet. Women in sports have to show up and coat themselves in extreme strength every single day. And I hate that for us. I hate that we have to be strong.

We first have to fight to get into this world. Then we have to fight to be everything in that world. Pretty, smart, funny, one of the boys. And then we have to resist aging. We have to know ten times what a man does about the game. And we have to do it in heels, flawless makeup and perfectly coifed hair. We have to be breezy but serious but light and smiling. When the degrading comments happen, the innapropriate jokes tossed around, the accidental touching — we have to ignore all that and laugh with the men. We can’t make mistakes. We can’t show up less than 110%. There are no off days for women in sports. Not at the office, not in our personal lives, you are always on. Every second of our lives are fair game.

For me, the worst part was showing up everyday to a place I knew would not make me feel good. Where I was demeaned, belittled, degraded — sat in the room for the lewd jokes, the offhand comments and nobody stood up for me. Nobody said this is wrong we have to do better. Nobody spoke up for me.

Just because you don’t partake in the problem, it doesn’t make you innocent. It doesn’t make you a good guy just because you refrane from contributing to the conversation. Men need to make space for women in sports. They need to hold themselves to a higher standard and they need to say to their peers “this is not ok.” Sitting by and watching it happen, knowing its wrong but letting it go, we see that. I can promise you, we never forget that.

I left my career in professional sports over 5 years ago and one man, one, has reached out to me to apologize and truly compassionately express sadness for the things he saw me go through. 10 years of working in sports and one man has had an ounce of guts to speak up. He did not partake in any wrongdoing, but he’s the one who came to me to say you shouldn’t have had to deal with that.

The reporters and the media who sit here and feed into this shocked narrative, you are part of the problem. And every time you push that storyline, the women you work with see it. They hear it and they are making note of where you stand.

Show up for women. Don’t applaud the first female coach, referee, VP and then turn around and be ignorant to the plight to get there. Don’t claim to support women in sports and then sit quietly while the innapropriate jokes and text messages fly around the room.

Women show up every single day and do the absolute most in the sports industry. In an industry that quite frankly doesn’t want us.

Show up for women. We damn sure show up for everyone else.

This is America

I am ashamed, appalled, angry - I am every fiery feeling there could be towards the treatment of women in America. Guns are regulated less than my body. A rapist has more rights than I do when it comes to keeping me safe.

It’s 2019 and I am exhausted.

I’m exhausted from explaining to other people that as a human being, I am the only person who should have the right to decide what happens to my own body.

I am unable to form sentences anymore to explain why we need to teach men more about sexual assault.

Women are the strongest human beings on the planet.

And yet we are the most regulated people in the world. Regulated by men who can never possibly understand anything about how we exist.

What I’d like to say about abortion is that no matter what law you make, abortion will occur. You cannot ban abortion. That is impossible. What you’re doing is compromising women’s healthcare and if you are “pro life (ridiculous term)” you are not supporting life when you oppose abortion. You are simply privileged enough that this does not affect you. No uterus? No opinion. Not one say in this except, your body, your choice. I would like to loudly, proudly, without caveat say that if I choose in my life to ever have an abortion, I will do so. Without shame, without hesitation, without remorse. And I will not allow anyone in my world to bully me because of that. You support me, or you are not in my life. End of story. What is best for my body and my life, will forever be what is my guiding light.

I’d like to say a little more about sexual assault because although I didn’t report it back then, I will not shut up about it now. The most basic rule of life is to keep your hands to yourselves. And yet we are in a time that there is every excuse in the book for men to blatantly refuse this rule. We blame the women. We blame beer. We put people in the highest office in the land and we shame the victim. It is unacceptable and it is inhumane. My rapist most likely does not consider what he did rape. He probably doesn’t think about it. Probably never did think about it as anything but a drunken night of sex with a cute girl in college. I wasn’t drunk. I remember and I think about it all of the time. I think about it when I am alone with a man I don’t know. I think about it the first time I am intimate with a man I do know. I think about it at work. I think about it in a crowd. I think about it when I cannot sleep. I think about it when I am unable to commit to a relationship with someone. I think about it when I tell people that I am a survivor. I never not think about it.

I am in therapy and yet I still consider myself a little bit broken, damaged packaging even because I am a survivor. For years, I called myself a victim. The thing is, had I reported 15 years ago, I am 100% confident my life would have been worse. I would have been put in the spotlight, forced to relive what I went through. Questioned, shamed for my sexual history. I don’t know if I could have survived that, I don’t know if I would have wanted to. I don’t know who would have believed me.

You think women are not capable of handling decisions around our own bodies? We certainly handle the decisions you force upon us every single day as survivors. I have been attacked at knife point, raped, harassed about the shape of my curves because I’m too sexual looking, hit by a boyfriend; and I am here. I am surviving, thriving, and I am fighting back. I am the ONLY person who can handle the decisions that come with the body I was born with.

The absolute bottom line here is that my body is my choice. At all times. And there is no law that should ever be able to compromise my rights to that body.

Toxic Masculinity

Sexual harassment and the way in which men behave have been such a hot topic in the media.  Between locker room culture and the good ole boys club, there is a movement to really define what toxic masculinity is and how we change the way in which our boys and men are interacting with women and each other.  

What is toxic masculinity?  I'm not sure anyone has truly defined it to the level that we have an acceptable understanding of its meaning.  In general terms, It refers to the socially-constructed attitudes that describe the masculine gender role as violent, unemotional, sexually aggressive, etc.  

With so many incidents of workplace sexual harassment, experiences of women at festivals, and recent acts of violence attributed to men identifying their source of anger as women - there's a lot to  talk about.  And its quite the prickly, sticky, sensitive topic at that.

I hate the idea of classifying men into groups like locker room talk and good ole boys club.  It does a disservice to a lot of men and sets the standard for their behavior pretty dang low.  It excuses behavior as being an inherent trait someone is born with due to their gender.  

The simple fact is that most women experience some level of toxic masculinity at some point in their life.  I'll go so far to say that a lot of us expect it and accept it as part of the burden of being a woman.  It's the brushing up against you in crowded spaces, the unwanted touching, the bold and crass jokes, and certainly the escalation to physical and sexual violence.

So why is toxic masculinity such a pervasive problem?  I know a lot of really good men in the world, so its not a men are awful problem.  It stems from the environment in which our men are raised.  If men aren't taught at a young age to be mindful of the way in which they speak about and to (and treat) women, they become part of the problem.  

As always, I believe education is the root of the solution.  We need to start the conversation with men young.  Teach them as children to keep their hands to themselves and to not be bullies.  In middle school and in high school, start the discussion around consent.  And I believe it should me mandatory to attend an educational seminar around sexual assault and the culture of college life when a student enters the University.  

There's also a serious need for personal accountability.  I would argue that a very large number of men are very aware of what is right and what is wrong.  Holding yourself accountable for the way in which you speak and act is critical for making a change.  And when you're in a group with other men, practice "see something, say something."  

If ever you're confused about what's right, what's wrong, and what crosses the line - have an open dialogue.  It's incredibly difficult to make sense of it all and I'm willing to have the discussion with you should you want to know what it feels like to be a woman in various situations.  

More and more, people are speaking up.  Women are saying "this is not okay, I do not feel okay."  More men are saying "that's not funny, and it's not acceptable."  

The only way we are going to combat toxic masculinity and change our culture is by educating the masses, having the open conversations, and speaking up when something isn't right.

We owe it to each other as human beings to do more and to be better.

For more information, check out Teen Vogue's Wellness Wednesday with Vera Papisova and my personal favorite - Dr. Kevin Gilliland where they addressed this very topic.

As always, do yourself a favor and be aware and informed about the implications of what's happening in the world.  Social awareness is such an important part of our lives and you can never do enough to learn about how other people in the world experience their daily lives.  Diversity and gettign out of our comfort zone is how we are eventually going to get to the equality we deserve.

The Wave

Unless you're living under a rock, you're aware of the wave of sexual harassment and assault allegations in the news.  It seems like every day another high profile man is being accused (and often proven) to be someone who has participated in sexual harassment or assault.  

As someone who has unfortunately experienced both - I feel torn by the number of women and men coming forward.  

I am proud of the victims for coming forward.

I am relieved we are talking about something that is not uncommon.

I cringe because I know the pressure on these victims to prove what they have gone through

I am scared that most likely, some of these accusers are lying and thus setting the rest of us back.

I have been a victim of sexual harassment and sexual assault.  More than once.  While I am more comfortable discussing the sexual harassment I have faced both in my daily life and at the office, I haven't even talked about the assault to my family.  I did not report it.  I still do not feel comfortable talking about it.  And I am not alone.

I've worked in sports most of my life.  I'm generally at home in environments that are a little less business formal and a little more frat party.  It takes a lot to offend me.  And it's damn near impossible to make me feel uncomfortable.  

But when I am confronted at my hotel room by a drunk colleague, sent sexual text messages by the President of my company, and had my chest grabbed at a bar - I feel violated.  

When I am told to wear a low cut top to a meeting with all men, that the best part about watching me at practice is my boobs bouncing, and having a deal fall through because I wouldn't go out with the owner - I feel devalued.  

Sexual harassment, the PTSD from it, the stress of having to relive it - to prove it happened - to explain why it is a big deal - it's all very real.  

The fear of when to come forward, how to come forward, what's going to happen when you do - it's all very real.

A lot of being a victim is feeling things in waves.  You feel shame.  You question your experience.  You feel brave enough to speak up.  You feel fear for what that results in.  You feel proud for standing up for your worth.  You feel everything.  It's highs and lows and everything in between.  I haven't gotten off of that wave yet, I'm not sure I ever will.

For once, I'm not here to prove a point.  I don't aim to change anyone's mind.  If you don't believe in the seriousness of sexual harassment - if you don't understand the defining principle behind sexual assault - I cannot help you.  If the battle you choose to fight is to prove these women wrong when the evidence shows otherwise - there's not much hope for you to begin with.  

I don't know what my driving message is or my call to action.  I haven't been able to tell my entire story nor heal from how that story has changed my path, who am I to provide anyone with a solution?  I'll leave you with this -- 

Keep your hands to yourself.  If it feels wrong, it is.  If you have to justify your actions, they were wrong.

Raise your tiny humans to do better, be better, and act better.  Challenge yourself to be kinder, respect each other more, and listen to learn.  Choose to surround yourself with people who value human decency, challenge the status quo, and force you to leave others better than you found them.