Women don't owe you shit.

The Me Too movement has been around for quite some time. It peaked again in 2015/2016 and yet here we are - women being told they gotta do more to prove the things that happen to us.

When a woman is raped, it’s always “what was she wearing” “was she leading him on” “Was she drinking”? When women are abused it’s always “why didn’t she say something” “why didn’t she leave”? The initial reaction is to doubt her, her story, her character - the first reaction is to tear her down.

It’s bullshit.

Women don’t owe you shit.

We don’t report because it’s often a waste of our time. It takes incredible bravery, time and energy to report what happens to us. And most of the time, it’s all for nothing and leaves us having to survive a second battle.

This has got to stop.

Men need to speak up more. Believe women more. Protect and stand for women more.

Other women also need to advocate for other women. Support other women. Show up for other women.

But again, this is on men to help change. If you’re in a position of power, you need to be standing up when you see injustice against women.

Is a woman being interrupted in your meeting? Flip it back over to her. If a woman confides in you about abuse or rape - believe her. Listen to her and get her help.

When your favorite sports teams let’s a domestic abuser play, speak up. When a friend makes a rape joke, tell him it’s not acceptable.

Do more. Stop being a passive ally and start being an actual ally. Stop sitting back and start being an active part of the solution.

Women don’t owe you shit. We do enough. We are enough. It’s time the men stepped up and did the work to support us. We are there for everyone else.

Women in Sports

It’s 2021 and we are still doing this. We are still in a blind spot when it comes to so many aspects of women in sports. One of the biggest blind spots is how women are treated in the workplace by our colleagues, executives, fans, Twitter trolls — you get the point.

I spent the first 10 years of my carer in the sports industry. And I loved it. Sports have been such a huge part of my life and who I am, it was my dream to build a life in that world. I never thought I’d leave.

It also gave me some of my darkest days, most unhealthy lifestyle, and was the time I doubted myself the most. The worst job I ever had was in professional sports. It left me broken, physically ill, and destroyed my confidence.

I left sports in large part because the lifestyle was not sustainable for me. My passion for sports can exist outside of working in the industry. I am happier, healthier, better treated, make more money, and all around thriving in the tech industry and I am so grateful I was able to make that pivot.

What really gets me riled up every time a new asshole is exposed for sending lewd texts or harassing women in the work place is how shocked everyone acts. Even in the sports industry itself. Everyone is appalled. Teams vow this isn’t who they are. Men are put on leave, issue an apology written by a PR company. Organizations vow to commit to change. They hire a token female.

It’s bullshit. All of it.

Every woman in sports has a story. Probably many.

I knew going into the industry I’d be sexually harassed at some point. And I was. Many times. I brushed it off. I brushed it off for almost two years until I broke down and spoke up. I was fired the next day for not “fitting the values of the organization.”

I knew I’d have to work harder, wear higher heels, and learn to laugh at the crude humor. And I did. Over and over again I did.

I was also in a generally toxic situation working for a team that to this day is a fucking mess. The bullying and generalized mind games were actually worse than any sexual harassment I faced. And I realize how fucked up that is to say. To rank my experience by which type of harassment I’d face on the daily.

Think of the most stereotypical boys club and multiply that disgusting behavior by 100 and you’ve got what I went to the office to experience each day.

When I worked in college sports, it was much of the same. I had a boss physically prevent me from leaving the room. I had another charged with a federal crime that I legally can’t speak about. I was told to wear a low cut top to seal a deal.

These are all my experiences. And they’re vast. They’re my unique story as a woman in sports.

But they are far from the only story. And probably not even that shocking to other women in the industry.

Even within the ecosystems I worked, I know other women who experienced their own version of the ugly side of being a woman in sports. Most have left the industry entirely.

I didn’t speak a lot about the specifics of what I dealt with at the team I worked for. I spoke about surface level toxicity but nobody knows about a lot of the very real and deep issues I have as a result of that experience.

I’m loud. I speak up. I cause trouble. I am the person who goes to HR or to leadership when I see injustice. I will never not try to right a wrong. I will always be that person.

Because of that, I think it’s easy to ignore what I have to say about these things. You’ve heard it before. How could this happen to someone again? Is she just making trouble? She’s just being difficult. She’s so dramatic.

I don’t tell the full story because I know what’s it like to not be believed. To be told you’re overreacting. So I sucked it up and I dealt with it.

I think about that a lot when it comes to women in sports. When I see a woman who exposes something a man has done, I think about how much it took to get her to that point. I know that wasn’t the first incident. I wonder how scared she is. I fear for the repercussions. I worry about her being let go and losing one more woman in a male dominated industry. My heart breaks because I wonder if she will ever speak up again.

I think about the other women who feel strong enough to speak up because she tells her story. I worry about the support systems they have in place to help them through this. I fear for the reactions of her colleagues. I worry about how she’s running through every mistake she made in her mind, because surely it will be used against her. I pray that she’s strong enough to deal with what comes after.

Women are the strongest people on the planet. Women in sports have to show up and coat themselves in extreme strength every single day. And I hate that for us. I hate that we have to be strong.

We first have to fight to get into this world. Then we have to fight to be everything in that world. Pretty, smart, funny, one of the boys. And then we have to resist aging. We have to know ten times what a man does about the game. And we have to do it in heels, flawless makeup and perfectly coifed hair. We have to be breezy but serious but light and smiling. When the degrading comments happen, the innapropriate jokes tossed around, the accidental touching — we have to ignore all that and laugh with the men. We can’t make mistakes. We can’t show up less than 110%. There are no off days for women in sports. Not at the office, not in our personal lives, you are always on. Every second of our lives are fair game.

For me, the worst part was showing up everyday to a place I knew would not make me feel good. Where I was demeaned, belittled, degraded — sat in the room for the lewd jokes, the offhand comments and nobody stood up for me. Nobody said this is wrong we have to do better. Nobody spoke up for me.

Just because you don’t partake in the problem, it doesn’t make you innocent. It doesn’t make you a good guy just because you refrane from contributing to the conversation. Men need to make space for women in sports. They need to hold themselves to a higher standard and they need to say to their peers “this is not ok.” Sitting by and watching it happen, knowing its wrong but letting it go, we see that. I can promise you, we never forget that.

I left my career in professional sports over 5 years ago and one man, one, has reached out to me to apologize and truly compassionately express sadness for the things he saw me go through. 10 years of working in sports and one man has had an ounce of guts to speak up. He did not partake in any wrongdoing, but he’s the one who came to me to say you shouldn’t have had to deal with that.

The reporters and the media who sit here and feed into this shocked narrative, you are part of the problem. And every time you push that storyline, the women you work with see it. They hear it and they are making note of where you stand.

Show up for women. Don’t applaud the first female coach, referee, VP and then turn around and be ignorant to the plight to get there. Don’t claim to support women in sports and then sit quietly while the innapropriate jokes and text messages fly around the room.

Women show up every single day and do the absolute most in the sports industry. In an industry that quite frankly doesn’t want us.

Show up for women. We damn sure show up for everyone else.

This is America

I am ashamed, appalled, angry - I am every fiery feeling there could be towards the treatment of women in America. Guns are regulated less than my body. A rapist has more rights than I do when it comes to keeping me safe.

It’s 2019 and I am exhausted.

I’m exhausted from explaining to other people that as a human being, I am the only person who should have the right to decide what happens to my own body.

I am unable to form sentences anymore to explain why we need to teach men more about sexual assault.

Women are the strongest human beings on the planet.

And yet we are the most regulated people in the world. Regulated by men who can never possibly understand anything about how we exist.

What I’d like to say about abortion is that no matter what law you make, abortion will occur. You cannot ban abortion. That is impossible. What you’re doing is compromising women’s healthcare and if you are “pro life (ridiculous term)” you are not supporting life when you oppose abortion. You are simply privileged enough that this does not affect you. No uterus? No opinion. Not one say in this except, your body, your choice. I would like to loudly, proudly, without caveat say that if I choose in my life to ever have an abortion, I will do so. Without shame, without hesitation, without remorse. And I will not allow anyone in my world to bully me because of that. You support me, or you are not in my life. End of story. What is best for my body and my life, will forever be what is my guiding light.

I’d like to say a little more about sexual assault because although I didn’t report it back then, I will not shut up about it now. The most basic rule of life is to keep your hands to yourselves. And yet we are in a time that there is every excuse in the book for men to blatantly refuse this rule. We blame the women. We blame beer. We put people in the highest office in the land and we shame the victim. It is unacceptable and it is inhumane. My rapist most likely does not consider what he did rape. He probably doesn’t think about it. Probably never did think about it as anything but a drunken night of sex with a cute girl in college. I wasn’t drunk. I remember and I think about it all of the time. I think about it when I am alone with a man I don’t know. I think about it the first time I am intimate with a man I do know. I think about it at work. I think about it in a crowd. I think about it when I cannot sleep. I think about it when I am unable to commit to a relationship with someone. I think about it when I tell people that I am a survivor. I never not think about it.

I am in therapy and yet I still consider myself a little bit broken, damaged packaging even because I am a survivor. For years, I called myself a victim. The thing is, had I reported 15 years ago, I am 100% confident my life would have been worse. I would have been put in the spotlight, forced to relive what I went through. Questioned, shamed for my sexual history. I don’t know if I could have survived that, I don’t know if I would have wanted to. I don’t know who would have believed me.

You think women are not capable of handling decisions around our own bodies? We certainly handle the decisions you force upon us every single day as survivors. I have been attacked at knife point, raped, harassed about the shape of my curves because I’m too sexual looking, hit by a boyfriend; and I am here. I am surviving, thriving, and I am fighting back. I am the ONLY person who can handle the decisions that come with the body I was born with.

The absolute bottom line here is that my body is my choice. At all times. And there is no law that should ever be able to compromise my rights to that body.

I'm sorry

Part of growing and accepting myself has revolved around not being sorry for existing. Women specifically have often been taught to exist quietly. We apologize often, beg off compliments, and often try our best to blend in.

I’ve never been able to blend in. And I never will be.

I am forever guilty of begging off compliments, sharing credit when its mine to own, and apologizing for being a really big personality.

It’s exhausting.

And the more I grow and love myself, the more people are intimidated by that. I’ve been called arrogant, too much, bossy - honestly I’ve heard it all.

When you choose to love yourself, to stop apologizing for existing, you have to accept that not everyone is so brave. They may try to break you down because they cannot do what you have done. That is not yours to own.

Start recognizing when you apologize or belittle yourself. Take the time to stop, correct the behavior, and move forward. The more you do so, the more you’ll find you stop apologizing.

I’m not saying I’ve mastered the art of this skill. I have my moments where I make myself smaller to make others comfortable. But I’m trying.

The fun part about refusing to be sorry is that the less I do it, the more confident I am. I love myself more. I get this insane sense of faith in myself and what I can do for this world.

Who are you to shrink yourself to make others comfortable? What if you could change the world but you stayed small because you weren’t able to stand up and say I won’t apologize because I have so much to give. I say it often because it seems to prove true with each day - but you have one life. One chance to get the most out of it. Would you rather simply exist or unapologetically thrive?

How to be a Man Right Now

I've heard it said recently that its really hard to be a man in a world surrounded by #MeToo.  And to be completely honest with you, that's bullshit.  

What I will concede is that it is a very confusing time to be a guy.  So how do you react in a world where you feel intimidated by your every move?  How do you know what to say to the women around you speaking up?  

First and foremost, understand that staying silent is staying complacent with the status quo.  Women need your support and we need your voice to make a change.

But where do you start?

Understand this isn't About You

Women do not hate you.  We are not trying to emasculate you.  Women do not blame all men.  We do not think all men are horrible predators.  This isn't about you.  This is about the situational experiences of women each and every day in the most normal of circumstances and how we feel about the things that have happened, and continue to happen to us.  

Ask Questions

Talk to the women closest to you and understand what #MeToo means to them.  Engage in a conversation that affords you a safe space to ask questions and listen to honest responses.  Take the time to speak to a couple different women to get different perspectives about the movement.  There's no one story that embodies what's happening right now and unfortunately we all have a story.  

Speak Up

We need your voice.  We need you to say I am so sorry for what you've endured.  We need a commitment from you to hold your friends, colleagues, and yourself accountable for helping prevent these instances from occurring.  We need your voice to say I hear you, and I stand by you for speaking your truth.  That's it.  

Those are all lovely suggestions, but how do you put them into practice?

• See something, say something.  A work, at the bar, at dinner with friends.  When you see something that's not ok, speak up.  Tell someone.  Get help.  Stop watching it happen.
• Reflect.  Have you ever put anyone in a questionable situation?  Have any guilt or confusion?  Figure out where you may have crossed the line and be cognizant of that in the future.  
• Provide support to the women who mean the most to you.  Listen to them, offer resources for professional help.  Show you care and follow through.
• Educate yourself.  Google #TimesUp, read about #MeToo, do a little research through ACLU.  Pickup a book from a survivor, browse one of the many studies out there with science to support our concerns.
• Be an activist.  Attend a march, donate to one of the many foundations aiming to specifically create equal rights for women in the world.  Write your congressmen.  Vote for qualified women running for office.
• Get Socially Active.  I think even having the courage to say you see what's happening and you don't condone it, that you support those speaking up is huge.  It takes guts to put yourself out there publicly and we appreciate it.

It's only a terrible time to be a terrible guy.  Be a good guy, and its always a great time to be a guy.

Ladybug Life

One of my favorite humans in the world often refers to "The Ladybug Life."  And besides being absolutely adorable - she's onto something.

The ladybug life has many meanings, but at the root - it's the life of a woman who can pickup and fly away wherever her heart takes her.  The ladybug life is meant for free spirits.  For women who are confident, adventurous, and who feel a deep connection with doing what makes their soul feel on fire.

I'm sure I've adapted her meaning to fit my own selfish needs - but I think that's part of what being a ladybug stands for.  Being a ladybug means being open to whatever the world brings to you and choosing to see each of these situations as an opportunity to expand your journey.

Traditionally, ladybugs are also thought to be very lucky.  If they land on you, it's a sign of great fortune.  They are warriors, and they are beautiful and they are easily able to adjust their wings to the wind.

As you go about your day, think of the ladybug and know that as long as you focus on life as a journey, one you can adjust to meet your needs, you're always going to be ok.  Choose the ladybug life and you're never stuck, you're never lost - you're just one quick turn away from spreading your wings and taking off on your next adventure.

It's a ladybug life for me!

Girls just wanna have Fun...damental rights!

Growing up, I associated feminism with women who complained a lot.  Feminism was negative.  It was women who annoyingly shunned anything conventionally feminine.  I don't know where or how I developed this view.  I come from a family of strong, independent, fearless women.  The men in our family celebrate and encourage us. 

Today, I am openly, proudly - a feminist.  And no, this does not mean I hate men.  This means I believe in women as an equal class.  I believe we are deserving of equal pay and respect.  I believe we are more than our looks.  We are more than stereotypes and double standards.  We deserve change.  We deserve to not have a culture surrounded by blaming us for being raped.  I believe we should be asked about more than who we are dating or what we are wearing.  And I strongly believe that we should talk about these things until everyone feels as uncomfortable with what happens to us as we feel every. single. day.

So let's just get really uncomfortable.  Because I would love to share with you some of the situations I've encountered in work and in life. 

• A male executive once got frustrated with me and yelled in front of the entire floor "You're really bossy" simply for explaining something he wanted me to do was unethical
• At a work event a male executive took credit for a big deal I negotiated, in front of me, to other male executives he was hoping to impress
• I was once told to wear a low cut top because we would be meeting with military men at a meeting the following day
• I have been told by a boss that women are meant to be quiet, not loud and opinionated
• When I was sexually assaulted by a football player in college, I didn't press charges because I was too scared I would be shamed.  When I confided in a male friend, he blamed alcohol, not my attacker.
• I have been told I'm too much and if I want to find a husband, I should learn to express my opinions less
• When I tell people I've worked in professional sports the first question they ask is how many athletes I've slept with.
• I was once told by a male superior that I need to "brush off" any time I'm hit on at work because I should be flattered.
• I expressed to a male supervisor that I was feeling bullied and sexually harassed and his response was "I don't see that happening, but I'm part of the boys club so I guess that doesn't apply to me."
• I move about every 2 years, constantly in chase of my dreams - and yet the first thing people ask me when they haven't seen me in awhile is "Are you dating anyone?"
• One time - a drunk male executive asked myself and three other female employees "who we were fucking" at work
• A female coworker once told me if I used my looks more instead of my voice - I would get a lot farther with my career
• When I expressed my outrage at the Brock Turner case and his lack of punishment - no less than 5 men responded saying shouldn't the girl not have gotten so drunk?
• A male friend once told me that he would never date a rape victim because she is dirty
• In a meeting to brainstorm event ideas I was told to bring in dancers in bikinis and the tickets would sell themselves
• A male coworker told me I have big boobs why am I always covering them up at work?  I should show them more and people would listen to me more often.
• A male manager commented on hiring a recent employee "She's so hot, dumb as shit, but so hot, I had to hire her."
• An ex boyfriend told me it was cute that I ran Division One track.  A cute hobby I had.
• My first week of work I was told the owner of the company preferred women wear heels, so I needed to wear them as much as possible.
• I cannot begin to count how many times I've been called a bitch.  To my face, behind my back - simply for having a strong opinion and refusing to take crap from anyone.

Keep in mind - these are just a sample of the things I've seen, heard and experienced.  Things I can recite as I sit here and write this.  If I actually took the time to think back, there are a lot more I could talk about. 

To me - none of these are shocking.  To my friends, none of these are shocking.  The more I talk to my fierce lady friends, the more I learn I'm far from alone in my experiences.  And that gets me fired up. Forget the fact that women are your mothers, your sisters, your lovers, your friends, even YOU - women are human beings.  And human beings deserve better. 

Sure - you could be quiet about it.  You could choose not to get involved, but in my book, that makes you part of the problem.  And you could say that boys will be boys, but that's just ignorant.  Most of the men in my life are feminists too.  And you could say I'm just loud.  And you're right about that - but I am respectful, educated, and passionate - I'm not just loud. 

As a culture - we need to stop ignoring the things that happen around us and to us.  We need to stop qualifying behaviors.  I'm a woman of action.  I want solutions.  And let me be very clear - these solutions apply to men AND women.  We are equally responsible for this great burden. 

1. Start Young: Teach your children about equality.  Not just gender equality, equality of the human race.  Teach your children they are not better than anyone.  And that our differences should be celebrated.  Teach them to ask questions so that you're able to clear up confusion they may have about gender, race and class.  Teach your daughters they are strong, smart and kind.  They are beautiful because of who they are, not what they look like.  And teach your sons to respect women, to treat them as equals. 
2. Check yourself: Take a second to check where you're at and how you're treating the women around you and how you're talking about women.  We often get set in our ways and forget that we are a work in progress.  It's important to step back and say where am I at mentally, what are my views, how am I treating people.  Talk to your circle, ask them how you make them feel.  It's important to make sure that you aren't just who you think you are, that you really are a positive and evolving human. 
3. Speak Up: I left a job I loved because of an environment that was toxic.  I was treated as less than because I was a woman with an opinion.  I was told that if I learned to play the game, to accept the situation and to conform, I would be set in my situation.  But I'm not that person.  I respect myself and I respect women too much to be silent.  Did I change the world by speaking up?  Did I insight some big rebellion because I fought back?  Not even close.  But I know that I inspired others to get out.  And I will continue to speak up because if I don't, I'm allowing the world to tell me I'm not enough.  My one voice may not create a new way of life, but my one voice will affect others, and those others will speak up too.  And eventually, that's a movement.
4. Learn: Education is the solution to every problem.  The more you learn, the more informed your choices, words, and actions are.  Learn about feminism.  Learn about what it's like to be a woman today.  Talk to the women around you.  Not everyone has the same experiences.  Not every woman is the same.  Recognize that our differences as women are part of feminism.  It's part of saying I don't agree with you but I respect your right as an equal to live that way.  Read a book, watch the news, check out some legal text.  Be informed.  Be open minded.  Women are badass - if you need some examples, please ask me - I'm happy to provide you some!
5. Practice What You Preach: So now you're educated, informed, you're speaking up and you're committed to gender equality.  Put it into practice.  Be about that action boss.  Be one more voice for change and for equality.  It only takes one voice, one person to say you're worthy, I value you, you're equal - to change a life.  And that my friends, that's how me make this mission a movement.

So I'm a feminist.  I'm feminine.  I'm athletic.  I'm loud.  I'm fierce.  I'm girly.  I'm funny.  I'm a little weird.  I'm sparkles.  I'm whatever I want to be.  And being a feminist means having the right to be whatever I want to be, being given the same opportunities as a man, and it means that women are human beings. 

Feminists come in all shapes and sizes.  Feminists are entrepreneurs who travel the world with their husbands.  Feminists are moms who stay home and raise strong babies.  Feminists are stylish crafty committed to healthy lifestyle career women.  Feminists are quiet sweet hippies who radiate kindness.  Feminists are loud and proud lesbians who run legal offices. Feminists are men who commit to strong opinionated women because they value a woman who knows her worth.  Feminists are men who move across the country for their wives because she wants to follow her career dreams.  Feminists are male CEO's of companies who ask their wives for business advice.

The only requirement for being a feminist is to believe that women are people, men are people, and those people are equal.  What does feminism mean to you?  What do women mean to you?