Women in Sports

It’s 2021 and we are still doing this. We are still in a blind spot when it comes to so many aspects of women in sports. One of the biggest blind spots is how women are treated in the workplace by our colleagues, executives, fans, Twitter trolls — you get the point.

I spent the first 10 years of my carer in the sports industry. And I loved it. Sports have been such a huge part of my life and who I am, it was my dream to build a life in that world. I never thought I’d leave.

It also gave me some of my darkest days, most unhealthy lifestyle, and was the time I doubted myself the most. The worst job I ever had was in professional sports. It left me broken, physically ill, and destroyed my confidence.

I left sports in large part because the lifestyle was not sustainable for me. My passion for sports can exist outside of working in the industry. I am happier, healthier, better treated, make more money, and all around thriving in the tech industry and I am so grateful I was able to make that pivot.

What really gets me riled up every time a new asshole is exposed for sending lewd texts or harassing women in the work place is how shocked everyone acts. Even in the sports industry itself. Everyone is appalled. Teams vow this isn’t who they are. Men are put on leave, issue an apology written by a PR company. Organizations vow to commit to change. They hire a token female.

It’s bullshit. All of it.

Every woman in sports has a story. Probably many.

I knew going into the industry I’d be sexually harassed at some point. And I was. Many times. I brushed it off. I brushed it off for almost two years until I broke down and spoke up. I was fired the next day for not “fitting the values of the organization.”

I knew I’d have to work harder, wear higher heels, and learn to laugh at the crude humor. And I did. Over and over again I did.

I was also in a generally toxic situation working for a team that to this day is a fucking mess. The bullying and generalized mind games were actually worse than any sexual harassment I faced. And I realize how fucked up that is to say. To rank my experience by which type of harassment I’d face on the daily.

Think of the most stereotypical boys club and multiply that disgusting behavior by 100 and you’ve got what I went to the office to experience each day.

When I worked in college sports, it was much of the same. I had a boss physically prevent me from leaving the room. I had another charged with a federal crime that I legally can’t speak about. I was told to wear a low cut top to seal a deal.

These are all my experiences. And they’re vast. They’re my unique story as a woman in sports.

But they are far from the only story. And probably not even that shocking to other women in the industry.

Even within the ecosystems I worked, I know other women who experienced their own version of the ugly side of being a woman in sports. Most have left the industry entirely.

I didn’t speak a lot about the specifics of what I dealt with at the team I worked for. I spoke about surface level toxicity but nobody knows about a lot of the very real and deep issues I have as a result of that experience.

I’m loud. I speak up. I cause trouble. I am the person who goes to HR or to leadership when I see injustice. I will never not try to right a wrong. I will always be that person.

Because of that, I think it’s easy to ignore what I have to say about these things. You’ve heard it before. How could this happen to someone again? Is she just making trouble? She’s just being difficult. She’s so dramatic.

I don’t tell the full story because I know what’s it like to not be believed. To be told you’re overreacting. So I sucked it up and I dealt with it.

I think about that a lot when it comes to women in sports. When I see a woman who exposes something a man has done, I think about how much it took to get her to that point. I know that wasn’t the first incident. I wonder how scared she is. I fear for the repercussions. I worry about her being let go and losing one more woman in a male dominated industry. My heart breaks because I wonder if she will ever speak up again.

I think about the other women who feel strong enough to speak up because she tells her story. I worry about the support systems they have in place to help them through this. I fear for the reactions of her colleagues. I worry about how she’s running through every mistake she made in her mind, because surely it will be used against her. I pray that she’s strong enough to deal with what comes after.

Women are the strongest people on the planet. Women in sports have to show up and coat themselves in extreme strength every single day. And I hate that for us. I hate that we have to be strong.

We first have to fight to get into this world. Then we have to fight to be everything in that world. Pretty, smart, funny, one of the boys. And then we have to resist aging. We have to know ten times what a man does about the game. And we have to do it in heels, flawless makeup and perfectly coifed hair. We have to be breezy but serious but light and smiling. When the degrading comments happen, the innapropriate jokes tossed around, the accidental touching — we have to ignore all that and laugh with the men. We can’t make mistakes. We can’t show up less than 110%. There are no off days for women in sports. Not at the office, not in our personal lives, you are always on. Every second of our lives are fair game.

For me, the worst part was showing up everyday to a place I knew would not make me feel good. Where I was demeaned, belittled, degraded — sat in the room for the lewd jokes, the offhand comments and nobody stood up for me. Nobody said this is wrong we have to do better. Nobody spoke up for me.

Just because you don’t partake in the problem, it doesn’t make you innocent. It doesn’t make you a good guy just because you refrane from contributing to the conversation. Men need to make space for women in sports. They need to hold themselves to a higher standard and they need to say to their peers “this is not ok.” Sitting by and watching it happen, knowing its wrong but letting it go, we see that. I can promise you, we never forget that.

I left my career in professional sports over 5 years ago and one man, one, has reached out to me to apologize and truly compassionately express sadness for the things he saw me go through. 10 years of working in sports and one man has had an ounce of guts to speak up. He did not partake in any wrongdoing, but he’s the one who came to me to say you shouldn’t have had to deal with that.

The reporters and the media who sit here and feed into this shocked narrative, you are part of the problem. And every time you push that storyline, the women you work with see it. They hear it and they are making note of where you stand.

Show up for women. Don’t applaud the first female coach, referee, VP and then turn around and be ignorant to the plight to get there. Don’t claim to support women in sports and then sit quietly while the innapropriate jokes and text messages fly around the room.

Women show up every single day and do the absolute most in the sports industry. In an industry that quite frankly doesn’t want us.

Show up for women. We damn sure show up for everyone else.

Women at Work

In a previous role, I experienced quite a bit of harassment. It was an old boys club through and through. Led by the most insecure and unprofessional manager I have ever had. I lasted about a year and a half before I finally spoke up and confided in another man in the company what I had been experiencing outside of the normal “bad boss” situations.

And you know what happened? He went directly to that manager and the next day, I was called in and they let me go. Sure - they knew they were in the wrong, so money was exchanged as a “severance” of sorts, but realistically, we all knew what it was.

Unfortunately - I think this is a commonplace in many industries. The behavior or men and the way women are treated is often excused. Women are told we are manufacturing these situations, overreacting, or blatantly lying. And I think even worse than the men who commit these acts are the men who watch it happen and say nothing.

I lost all respect for the man who had an opportunity to help right a wrong and instead chose to participate in making it worse. He is part of the problem.

More and more we talk about a see something say something mentality. I don’t think we are there yet. I’d love to believe we are, but I just don’t see enough men stepping up to say woah, this is wrong. And so the cycle continues. Especially in industries dominated by men.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve sat in a room as the only woman and listened to men make inappropriate comments, gestures - and not one other man said anything.

You would think in today’s world, men would start to stand up. Especially because there are so many good men out there who believe in equality.

I watched the Dallas Mavericks allegations unfold and it gave me hope. The women who came forward are so brave. I wish I had done the same, but I didn’t.

Seeing more and more people take a stand against inequality and harassment in the workplace gives me so much hope for future generations. It’s exhausting to be a woman at work. We are paid less, hold less executive positions, and often receive less respect in general. Anything that we can do to start to say (and show) this won’t fly - we should be doing those things.

In my own way — when I’m working with vendors, I try to make sure I’m doing so with companies that are ethical. If I see a post on LinkedIn from a vendor that conveys a poor image or represents ignorance, I’ll make a mental note not to work with them. Because ethics in business matter to me.

At the end of the day you shouldn’t have two different identities - work and play. If you’re a sexist bigot at work, that’s who you are in life. The man who chose to handle my situation the way he did, he’s not a good person. You don’t get to excuse who you are at work as “just business.”

I believe women make up 51-53% of the population right now — so the more we speak up, the more you should too. If only to understand, there are more of us and we are angry. We won’t be silenced. Who run this?

Girls.

The Wave

Unless you're living under a rock, you're aware of the wave of sexual harassment and assault allegations in the news.  It seems like every day another high profile man is being accused (and often proven) to be someone who has participated in sexual harassment or assault.  

As someone who has unfortunately experienced both - I feel torn by the number of women and men coming forward.  

I am proud of the victims for coming forward.

I am relieved we are talking about something that is not uncommon.

I cringe because I know the pressure on these victims to prove what they have gone through

I am scared that most likely, some of these accusers are lying and thus setting the rest of us back.

I have been a victim of sexual harassment and sexual assault.  More than once.  While I am more comfortable discussing the sexual harassment I have faced both in my daily life and at the office, I haven't even talked about the assault to my family.  I did not report it.  I still do not feel comfortable talking about it.  And I am not alone.

I've worked in sports most of my life.  I'm generally at home in environments that are a little less business formal and a little more frat party.  It takes a lot to offend me.  And it's damn near impossible to make me feel uncomfortable.  

But when I am confronted at my hotel room by a drunk colleague, sent sexual text messages by the President of my company, and had my chest grabbed at a bar - I feel violated.  

When I am told to wear a low cut top to a meeting with all men, that the best part about watching me at practice is my boobs bouncing, and having a deal fall through because I wouldn't go out with the owner - I feel devalued.  

Sexual harassment, the PTSD from it, the stress of having to relive it - to prove it happened - to explain why it is a big deal - it's all very real.  

The fear of when to come forward, how to come forward, what's going to happen when you do - it's all very real.

A lot of being a victim is feeling things in waves.  You feel shame.  You question your experience.  You feel brave enough to speak up.  You feel fear for what that results in.  You feel proud for standing up for your worth.  You feel everything.  It's highs and lows and everything in between.  I haven't gotten off of that wave yet, I'm not sure I ever will.

For once, I'm not here to prove a point.  I don't aim to change anyone's mind.  If you don't believe in the seriousness of sexual harassment - if you don't understand the defining principle behind sexual assault - I cannot help you.  If the battle you choose to fight is to prove these women wrong when the evidence shows otherwise - there's not much hope for you to begin with.  

I don't know what my driving message is or my call to action.  I haven't been able to tell my entire story nor heal from how that story has changed my path, who am I to provide anyone with a solution?  I'll leave you with this -- 

Keep your hands to yourself.  If it feels wrong, it is.  If you have to justify your actions, they were wrong.

Raise your tiny humans to do better, be better, and act better.  Challenge yourself to be kinder, respect each other more, and listen to learn.  Choose to surround yourself with people who value human decency, challenge the status quo, and force you to leave others better than you found them.

Keep Your Hands to Yourself.

Once again, I would like to talk about the most basic of human decencies.  A rule that we are taught from a very young age yet many have a hard time following.  Keep your hands to yourself.

Recently I went out to a bar in Dallas.  I was on the phone on the patio when a man felt it would be okay to run by, grab my butt and leave.  Whether he was drunk or not, it was entirely inappropriate and an incredibly big deal. I reacted in the most furious way and instead of apologizing, this man hid behind a car and giggled about how he just violated me. 

You can call it harmless, a drunk immature frat boy acting like a jerk.  You can call me a prude, you can say I overreacted.  You would be wrong.  Excusing this kind of behavior is encouraging it.  Refusing to take it seriously is how we've gotten ourselves to a rape culture mentality.  It's how some people call Brock Turner "a nice guy who did something stupid."  And it's why women are afraid and ashamed to report instances of sexual assault and rape.  Because we are told "it's not a big deal."  We are made to feel bad for the things that happen to us.  And that's how the cycle continues. 

I'm tired of excusing anything.  Unless you have permission to touch me, don't.  Male or female, keep your hands to yourself.  It's a basic form of respect and its a lesson we all need to keep in mind.

A trend recently is for bars to create a safe space for women.  They put signs in the restroom that give women instructions for how to discreetly and safely ask for help when they're in an uncomfortable situation.  As much as its extremely sad we have gotten to this point, I applaud the establishments who choose to create safe enjoyable environments for all.  I'm so sick of going to bars and restaurants to enjoy time with friends only to be touched inappropriately or "by accident."  And I won't be quiet about it.  I will not dumb down my reaction to make YOU comfortable. 

Ladies (and gentlemen because you deserve respect too) - don't let anyone touch you without your permission.  Do not brush it off.  Do not make excuses and do not feel stupid.  Nobody has the right to make you feel unsafe or uncomfortable.  And its up to all of us to speak up and call others out on their behavior.  Without that - we will continue to live in a world that accepts rape culture.

 I don't owe anyone an explanation for how I react when someone touches me without my consent.  It's not funny, it's not harmless, and its not welcome.  Call me a bitch, call me dramatic, call me whatever you want - as long a you keep your hands to your damn self.