I guess therapy works

It took me a few years to stick with therapy regularly and do the work. Because you can go to therapy, but not actually participate in a way that makes it effective. Or you’re with the wrong therapist. A whole lot of things have to align for therapy to stick and actually make you change. Including being in a place to invest in becoming better.

I’m not great with feelings. Because of trauma and being an athlete, I am the best at turning off my emotions and getting shit done. It’s both a skill and a problem.

But eventually, I became exhausted of my own bullshit. I was tired of not getting the most out of life and always feeling ‘meh’ or worse than meh. Or not being able to control my anxiety + PTSD.

I’ve slowly evolved, grown and become better for myself and others, but not in any meaningful way until the last year. But more and more, I’m finally having those moments they tell you about. Where you handle a situation better than old you would have. I’m less frazzled in situations that used to cripple me. My priorities are different. My inner circle is tight and I’m quicker to cut out people who don’t create peace in my nervous system.

I’m still not a crier. I don’t know if that will ever change. And I still struggle with opening up when I’m struggling, but I do open up. I do say “I’m having a hard time with my mental health.” And while that may seem small, for me, that’s night and day. I speak openly about my PTSD and triggers. If I need to remove myself from a situation, I do. I don’t apologize for that, I just express my needs and follow through. I no longer suffer to avoid speaking about it.

More often than not, when I have therapy, I learn something new about why I am the way I am or how I can become a better version of myself.

Therapy works. And not the trendy therapy words or workbooks or toxic way in which folks have weaponized mental health. Therapy works in a way that fundamentally changes who you are when you’re willing to go there.

Therapy is a lot of work. It’s really hard. If you’re doing it right, it’s the hardest thing you’ll ever do. But without it, I’m not sure where I’d be. So if you’re looking for a reason to make your life better, to learn to better cope, to have better relationships - to just get more goodness out of the world we spend so little time in - go to therapy. And do it right.

Going through it

TW: Suicide

For awhile there y’all, I was going through it.

Between dealing with the whole Suns gestures wildly STUFF, leaving a job I was really excited about after only a little over a year, and health issues - I had been feeling just punched down at every turn.

At the same time - I struggle with making sure I am aware of my privilige. Because truly it could be significanlty worse.

However - just because I’m privileged and realistically ok - I can still struggle. And that’s important to acknowledge.

Because I have been going through it.

Trauma coming up from years ago, being in the media, being a super active and healthy person and then not having those same capabilities, leaving a job I had been loving but that turned into a complete nightmare - all of that alone is a lot - together - whew.

The point is - life is hard, different degrees of hard sure - but hard. Take the time to say “ok I’m struggling.” And then get perspective and get help.

Therapy, mental health breaks - medication if you need it. USE IT ALL.

I think we are all going through it a bit right now and have been for going on 3 years. Having that awareness to say it out loud and get the help you need matters.

Nobody is asking you to sit in silence. And if you’re privileged, nobody is asking you to apologize for it, simply be aware of it.

I feel like I’ve been going through it on and off since the pandemic happened - much like we all have. It just took me a ridiculously long time to admit it.

But as we’ve seen lately, suicide is becoming much more prevalent. And that hurts my heart. So please, please speak up if you’re going through it.

Speak up, speak often and ask for help.

If you’re going through it, there’s help.

There’s safe spaces and resources available and people who want to be there.

If you’re going through it, it’s ok. You deserve to feel seen, heard and supported.

Thing I Learn in Therapy

I’ve been committed tot herapy for a few years now. I regularly meet with my therapist (birtually during the pandemic) and commit to doing the work to make myself a better, happier human being.

Because I tend to have a really hard time talking to people in my life about how I feel, therapy is a way for me to open up to an impartial party and get guidance on what' to do.

Once in awhile I like to share things I learn because they’ve greatly helped me and I think that’s important to talk about.

Recently I have struggled with insomnia. In general I sleep about 4 hours a night. It leaves me exhausted and with a foggy mindset. I also just feel unhealthy and not myself.

I’ve done it all. I’ve done white noise, pink noise, blue noise - all the noise! Aromatherapy, the best in beds, sheets and pillows! Adjusted temperature, boguht the coziest sleepwear ever, played with timing. I even got to the point that I sought medical intervention. Turns out I have an extremely high tolerance to any sleep medication. I can take an Ambien - even two, with no effect.

Last week my therapist asked me to start visualizing my happy place. When my mind is unable to shut off, I am to interrupt myself over and over with visions of where I feel happiest. For me, that’s the track. For you that might be a beach. The point is, go somewhere that you feel safe, empowered, and calm.

The first night I was less than succesful. Truth be told it took me a whole week to be able to actually distract myself enough to stick in my happy place. Now that I am able to stay there though, I physically feel myself relaxing. I take myself back to the track where I feel strongest and I imagine everything from a really good race to a simple Saturday workout.

It seems really simple. And it is. But the mind is a powerful thing. And conquering it’s need to overthink is no easy feat.

I’m not sleeping more than 4-5 hours yet, but I am getting better quality sleep. And I’m falling asleep faster.

Therapy is a complete lifesaver for me. A total game changer. I learn so much about myself and how to be a better me for me. If you have the means, I highlt suggest investing in yourself in the best way possible. Don’t wait until you need therapy, use it as a tool to maintain a high quality of life.

Therapy is visiting the doctor for your mind. And it’s just as important as regular visits to your primary physician.