I guess therapy works

It took me a few years to stick with therapy regularly and do the work. Because you can go to therapy, but not actually participate in a way that makes it effective. Or you’re with the wrong therapist. A whole lot of things have to align for therapy to stick and actually make you change. Including being in a place to invest in becoming better.

I’m not great with feelings. Because of trauma and being an athlete, I am the best at turning off my emotions and getting shit done. It’s both a skill and a problem.

But eventually, I became exhausted of my own bullshit. I was tired of not getting the most out of life and always feeling ‘meh’ or worse than meh. Or not being able to control my anxiety + PTSD.

I’ve slowly evolved, grown and become better for myself and others, but not in any meaningful way until the last year. But more and more, I’m finally having those moments they tell you about. Where you handle a situation better than old you would have. I’m less frazzled in situations that used to cripple me. My priorities are different. My inner circle is tight and I’m quicker to cut out people who don’t create peace in my nervous system.

I’m still not a crier. I don’t know if that will ever change. And I still struggle with opening up when I’m struggling, but I do open up. I do say “I’m having a hard time with my mental health.” And while that may seem small, for me, that’s night and day. I speak openly about my PTSD and triggers. If I need to remove myself from a situation, I do. I don’t apologize for that, I just express my needs and follow through. I no longer suffer to avoid speaking about it.

More often than not, when I have therapy, I learn something new about why I am the way I am or how I can become a better version of myself.

Therapy works. And not the trendy therapy words or workbooks or toxic way in which folks have weaponized mental health. Therapy works in a way that fundamentally changes who you are when you’re willing to go there.

Therapy is a lot of work. It’s really hard. If you’re doing it right, it’s the hardest thing you’ll ever do. But without it, I’m not sure where I’d be. So if you’re looking for a reason to make your life better, to learn to better cope, to have better relationships - to just get more goodness out of the world we spend so little time in - go to therapy. And do it right.

The Breakup Debate. A Memoir.

I've had an internal debate for most of my life regarding dating, men, and how to respond when they do shitty things.  Essentially - you've got two options:

1. Ghost
2. Confront

Now historically I think women are taught to be caregivers and to give men a lot of slack when it comes to doing things that aren't ok.  We are taught to say it's ok when its not and that if we call a man out we are bitches.

But I think there's also something to be said for simply walking away from an unhealthy situation.  To move forward and to take care of yourself.

Traditionally I have played the role of the ghost.  I mean I've completely moved states to avoid relationships and commitment so it's not surprising that when someone treats me poorly, I generally just disappear.  I'll delete your number, remove you from social media - RIP you no longer exist to me.  And I'm not the girl who gives in and texts you - we will literally never speak again.  If you reach out - I'll do everything possible to end the contact as quickly as humanly possible.  If you show me I don't matter to you - I am very easily able to say you no longer mean anything to me. 

But recently - I've had the urge to call men on their shenanigans.  Because I'm a grown up.  And I'm a good human being.  I'm kind to others, I'm a good partner, and a phenomenal catch.  And I don't deserve your crap.

My two most recent relationships/whatever the hell that last one was have been exact opposites in terms of how I've handled the ending.  The first one - I was very honest about the lack of maturity and really crappy way he handled the situation.  And that was what I needed to have full closure and realize we never should have dated.  Months - we are talking MONTHS later - he reached back out to apologize which turned into him making excuses for the way he acted.  And I let him say what he needed to say, wished him well - and we haven't spoken since. 

The second whatever - because it was one of those - IDK what this is slash WTF is even happening - I've ghosted.  He was a really important friend to me and someone who for the first time I started to open up to and place trust in.  And then he did a 180 and created a really bad situation.  He abused the friendship and for me - when you break the respect of a friendship, that's it for the relationship.  But I've said nothing.  I've gone full ghost and have zero intentions of changing that.   

Yea ok - there's a lot of factors coming into how to handle these things.  Length of relationship.  Were you friends before.  What did they do.  It's a scientific strategy really.  And I can spend hours arguing for both sides.  But ultimately - I think it's what makes you feel good.  Someone treated you like a burnt brownie and you don't deserve that - you're a cupcake with sprinkles.  If you need to say excuse me - that wasn't cool asshole - SAY IT.  If the way you heal is to move forward without a word - go head girlfriend - you ghost like the wind. 

Now this is where I ask your advice - and then if I hate it - I'll ignore it because I don't need that kind of negativity in my life.

I pose some questions:

What do you think is the best way to handle when your partner does you wrong?  Do you ghost?  Do you confront?  Do you create a mix of the two?  I don't know what the right action is, probably depends on a myriad of factors realistically. Hit me with your best words of wisdom my sequins!