Epic Fail

Because I’ve grown up as an athlete, the idea of goals and achieving them is something I take very seriously. To not achieve a goal is a fail, full stop. I’ve failed a lot in life. There are so many goals I set that I simply did not achieve. As I get older, I’m choosing to redefine failure when it comes to my goals.

Not achieving a goal is not a failure, full stop. Sometimes goals change. Sometimes we change. Sometimes not achieving a goal leads to discovering a new goal.

Alternatively, some of the goals I have achieved, they’ve left me empty. They’ve turned out to be wins that felt like losses.

I grew up being a really good athlete. Best in my little suburban community, always winning. Always chosen for the competitive travel teams. I wanted to run in a national championship race at the collegiate level. Due to injuries I was barely able to compete at the college level. I ran a handful of actual races and endured more surgeries than wins. A national championship race wasn’t happening. But I did learn about my strength, leadership skills, and discipline because of that failure. And those traits have led to a lot of the success I now find in my life.

When I was 28, I earned my dream job. I wanted to work in professional sports and after almost 6 years of grinding, I achieved that goal. And I was miserable. My mental and physical health suffered. It was a nightmare to work in such a toxic environment. And ultimately, it led me to pivot my dreams and goals to look outside of the industry I committed my entire future to.

Goals are so important to have. And achieving them matters. But not achieving them can be just as life changing. Failing might just be the best thing that ever happened to you. Full stop.

Haunting Season

My whole life has revolved around goals.  And plans.  And the idea that life is not meant to be wasted.  You must achieve, check off the boxes, and maximize success everywhere.  

Because of this, I'm constantly living in this world of feeling haunted by failure.  By a feeling of not having accomplished enough.  

I'm haunted by not hitting milestones.  I'm haunted by things I should have.  I'm haunted by the what if's.  

Obviously, if you've been reading my blog religiously, you know I've worked really hard to combat this idea of the perfect plan.  And realistically, a lot of the standard life milestones aren't even things I want for my life.  But there are those days when I feel haunted nonetheless.  

We exist at this weird time where the generation before us bought into the traditional plan but our generation is all about the nontraditional path.  

So how do you combat the haunting blues?  Honestly, I'm not sure if you should.  I think the best thing you can do is let them happen, understand the source of where they're coming from, and then move on with what makes you happy.

Great, easy enough but can you get a little more specific Ashley?  Because it's truly not that easy at 2AM on a Saturday when you're convinced you're a complete failure, a little intoxicated, and a lot of unsure how to come back from it all.  I feel you.  I've been there.  A lot.  

Something that haunts me often is my romantic status.  Growing up and well into my 20's, I was always attached to someone.  I assumed I would be married by 30 because that's the plan.  The more I realized I'd never actually been alone, the more I took a good look at the unhealthy relationships, the more I saw that I didn't in fact know what I wanted in a partner - the more I knew I needed to be completely single.

But now I'm 32.  I have moments where I think I'll never get married or I'll be SJP Sex & the City style and have my wedding at 45 - and I freak TF out.  I spiral into thinking did I miss the one for me?  Am I ever going to meet a man I can stand for longer than a week?  Am I destined to be single forever?  And down the rabbit hole we go.

Lately - I've even spent time missing someone I never even fully committed to.  Ill sit here and convince myself I should put myself out there, give it a chance, reach back out.  

But then I stop myself and I start to take charge.  I listen to the root of my fears and start to realize I'm freaking out because of feeling out of control in other aspects of my life.  That this in fact has nothing to do with my romantic situation at all.  I am looking for areas to find control in order to avoid the lack of control in the other chapter of my life.  Because realistically, I am quite content with my romantic status.

The sooner I'm able to understand the reason behind my psychotic hauntings, the sooner I'm able to get perspective and stop them altogether.  And the sooner I can go back to focusing on what I'm passionate about.

We are all haunted by this plan we (or society, or our parents, or whomever) create for ourselves.  Quite often we give ourselves unnecessary heart attacks because we think we aren't meeting these plans.  Take the time to feel the fears, diagnose where they're coming from,  and then refocus on what's important to you.  It's ok to be haunted, it's not ok to live in fear.  Failure isn't defined by milestones, it's defined by how much you allow fear to rule your life.

There's No Rules.

I like goals.  I have always set milestones for myself.  I'm really addicted to making lists and checking them off.  Timelines for achievements have always dictated my decisions.  But at the end of the day, there's no rules to this thing.

There's no law telling us when or how to do anything.  

In fact - most of the things I told myself I would do by now are in my past or somewhere in my future.  I've gotten big jobs before I thought I would.  I've not gotten married before I was 30.  And all that's taught me about the rules, is that there are no rules.

Getting my dream job also crushed me.  It taught me dreams aren't always what you think they are.

Not getting married at 23 taught me I am so much more than the relationship I am in.

All of the rules I set for myself, are teaching me that there are no rules to life.

When it comes to milestones, they are not always what you would expect.  

My career is the longest craziest journey I could never have imagined.  And I'm not done yet.  

My love life is every evolving and so much fun to experience as I decide what works for me.

When you think about it, really try to understand the rules society or your family or even yourself has set - do they make sense?  What happens if you don't follow them?  Does the world end?  Do you lose all hope of happiness?  You don't.  

I haven't followed a lot of the rules I set for myself.  And the truth is - a lot of the rules I in fact have set in place for me.  Nobody has set them for me.  My parents never told me I had to be a Doctor or a lawyer or anything but what I wanted.  They never threatened to withhold love because I wasn't the best at something.  I put myself in these situational expectations and have told myself if I don't achieve them, I am not following the rules of my life, and thus failing.

But here I am - breaking almost every single rule I ever set - and I didn't die.  I am not failing.  I'm not miserable.  Nobody shames me.  I've not lost my opportunity at having it all.  The odd thing is - I've created a new chance at a new future.  With no rules to follow, just dreams and joys to chase.  Without the forced set of constraints, I'm free to see what I'm really made of because I can venture outside the expectations I held myself accountable for.  Without the rules, there are no limits.

The rules of life are different for everyone.  And they aren't set in stone.  The rules are what you decide they are.  They are ever evolving.  And they are damn sure meant to be broken.  And if you're bold enough, erased.

Don't ever let someone tell you that there are rules to anything.  The only rule is that there are no rules.  Get out there and prove it.