Milestones

I wanted to elaborate on milestones. As I mentioned last week, I’ve spent the last five yeas really reevaluating what life expectations actually align with what I want out of my time here.

Society does a lot to remind us that life is supposed to be an organized list of accomplishments.

You are born, you go to school, you get a job, you get married, you buy a house, you have some kids, you retire, you die. That’s the list and everything is required in a certain time frame or your society fairy will fine you and report you to the police. And then you will go to prison and die. These are the rules.

So like a lot of us who grew up with parents who did these things, I had these expectations for myself.

And then when I didn’t check these boxes in the time frame society told me to, I started to panic.

My society fairy would show up at 24 and tell me hey babe your friends from college are actually making 6 figures in the city and you’re making $32K and can’t afford top ramen most days.

At 26 she tapped me on the shoulder and said hey gorg, know that you’ve got a whole roster of men folk (love that for you) but you should have picked and married one by now. Meanwhile it’s Sunday at 9am and you’re grabbing your shoes from this guys floor and your cousin is picking you up because you left your car at the bar (we didn’t have uber then you little Gen z babies, the walk of shame was a true experience).

At 30 the bitch straight up called and said ok we have a problem. You’e 30, unmarried, not a millionaire and everyone else is on a private jet to Mykonos but you’re drunk at the Grand Canyon.

And now in a few months, at 35, my society fairy is going to bring a committee of society fairies to stage an intervention. 35 and gasp unmarried? NO children? You’re not a homeowner counting your big fat 401k from your Tesla SUV? HOW DARE YOU! The audacity.

But alas my friends, it is true. I’m going to be all of these things and more.

And I’d like to say to my society fairy and her panel of drag judges — we love it here.

Society has told me to do all the things and I truly thought I wanted and needed those things to live a complete and happy life. Without them surely I would be a failure and miserable human being. A curse upon my soul. A pox upon my overpriced apartment.

I’d like to let you in on a little secret — I’m neither of those things.

I am thriving. Some days sure, I don’t wash my hair, I wear dirty clothes, I spend all day eating cheese an chocolate and I don’t speak to other humans.

I like those parts of my life.

I like the life I have built and the experience I’m having here on Earth.

I am open to marriage most days, consider having kids about 1 day a month, and I do plan to buy a house soon. Maybe 2.

I also think that if you know me, the me that is authentically myself, it makes perfect sense to you that my wild spirit would never follow the rules of society. She’s too stubborn for that.

It makes no sense to me to think I would have been married in my 20’s when I was having the time of my life while simultaneously trying to be everything to everyone except myself.

It is unimaginable that I would trade the bucket list experiences I had in sports for a high powered city job and six figures.

When my society fairy taps me on the back these days, I tell her calm down babe, I’ll get to it. Or I won’t, I haven’t decided yet. But text me later k?

The whole point is that I am now in control. Or out of control? And I am more easily able to sit in uncomfortable feelings of falling behind and say is this a society fairy shoulder tap or how you’re really feeling? And if the answer is an authentic yearning for something, I go out there and make space for that thing in my life.

Milestones are incredible. They help create a full life. But are the milestones you have on your list ones that you have created or ones your society fairy has brought to you to fulfill?

Marinate in whatever space your society fairy sticks you in, but don’t stay there long. Hear the girl out, but don’t blindly follow her lead.

Build a life full of milestones that meet your expectations, make you proud, and make your journey feel full. That’s a life of milestones that matters.

Deflect the Reflect

I am a highly reflective individual. I am constantly looking at my past, present, and future and wondering if I made/make the right decision and where to go from here.

The thing is, sometimes you need to deflect the reflect and simply make a decision.

When you constantly spend time and energy to reflect on the past, you often miss out on the present and disrupt the magic of the future.

I'm incredibly type A. I plan everything. I am constantly researching and looking to make the most informed decision. I often think of choices and black and white, right and wrong.

In life, things are most often shades of grey. The lines are most often blurred. It's less about right and wrong and more defined by simply being different. So while you can make what you believe is the right decision, in all reality, it's really just a decision that leads to one possible outcome.

I'm not saying don't reflect on past choices or situations. I'm saying take them with a grain of salt. Do not let them define your present or prevent you from experiencing your best future.

When you reflect on your past, you often imagine it in a very different way than it actually happened. We tend to romanticize, form regret, or even judge ourselves too harshly because of current circumstances. We give the person who broke our heart too much leeway. We blame ourselves for bad things that happened. We regret something we said or did. Realistically, these things are a reflection of how we feel in our present situation.

Something I've been working on is understanding my present. Being really aware of who I am, how I feel, and the relationships I'm currently existing in. And then I'll look to what I want those things to look like moving forward.

Appreciate your past, learn from it, but understand that person and those situations no longer exist. In order to maximize growth and choose paths that best serve you, be present. Develop on the person you are now and who you want to be in the future. It's like having a vision board inside your mind that you're able to adjust based on what's happening in real time.

Deflect the constant need to reflect on your past. You're not going there. You won't be that person again. There's a reason you are who you are and where you are right now. If you want to move forward as the happiest version of you, you're going to have to deflect the reflect and accept the now.

Haunting Season

My whole life has revolved around goals.  And plans.  And the idea that life is not meant to be wasted.  You must achieve, check off the boxes, and maximize success everywhere.  

Because of this, I'm constantly living in this world of feeling haunted by failure.  By a feeling of not having accomplished enough.  

I'm haunted by not hitting milestones.  I'm haunted by things I should have.  I'm haunted by the what if's.  

Obviously, if you've been reading my blog religiously, you know I've worked really hard to combat this idea of the perfect plan.  And realistically, a lot of the standard life milestones aren't even things I want for my life.  But there are those days when I feel haunted nonetheless.  

We exist at this weird time where the generation before us bought into the traditional plan but our generation is all about the nontraditional path.  

So how do you combat the haunting blues?  Honestly, I'm not sure if you should.  I think the best thing you can do is let them happen, understand the source of where they're coming from, and then move on with what makes you happy.

Great, easy enough but can you get a little more specific Ashley?  Because it's truly not that easy at 2AM on a Saturday when you're convinced you're a complete failure, a little intoxicated, and a lot of unsure how to come back from it all.  I feel you.  I've been there.  A lot.  

Something that haunts me often is my romantic status.  Growing up and well into my 20's, I was always attached to someone.  I assumed I would be married by 30 because that's the plan.  The more I realized I'd never actually been alone, the more I took a good look at the unhealthy relationships, the more I saw that I didn't in fact know what I wanted in a partner - the more I knew I needed to be completely single.

But now I'm 32.  I have moments where I think I'll never get married or I'll be SJP Sex & the City style and have my wedding at 45 - and I freak TF out.  I spiral into thinking did I miss the one for me?  Am I ever going to meet a man I can stand for longer than a week?  Am I destined to be single forever?  And down the rabbit hole we go.

Lately - I've even spent time missing someone I never even fully committed to.  Ill sit here and convince myself I should put myself out there, give it a chance, reach back out.  

But then I stop myself and I start to take charge.  I listen to the root of my fears and start to realize I'm freaking out because of feeling out of control in other aspects of my life.  That this in fact has nothing to do with my romantic situation at all.  I am looking for areas to find control in order to avoid the lack of control in the other chapter of my life.  Because realistically, I am quite content with my romantic status.

The sooner I'm able to understand the reason behind my psychotic hauntings, the sooner I'm able to get perspective and stop them altogether.  And the sooner I can go back to focusing on what I'm passionate about.

We are all haunted by this plan we (or society, or our parents, or whomever) create for ourselves.  Quite often we give ourselves unnecessary heart attacks because we think we aren't meeting these plans.  Take the time to feel the fears, diagnose where they're coming from,  and then refocus on what's important to you.  It's ok to be haunted, it's not ok to live in fear.  Failure isn't defined by milestones, it's defined by how much you allow fear to rule your life.

The Five Year Plan

The best advice I have ever been given, in work and in life, is to say screw your five year plan, what's your five day plan?  How are you maximizing the seconds in your everyday to get yourself to your future goals?  Who cares about your five year plan if you spend your next five days watching Netflix?  What are you doing to make the most of your time now?

I used to live by the five year plan.  My whole life has a plan.  I think I came out of the womb planning every second of my life.  When asked about my five year plan in an interview, I have always had a detailed and kick ass response.  The truth is - I'm not doing any of the things I planned all these years.  

My last five years have been a series of four states, about as many jobs, a handful of relationships, breakups, makeups, friendships that fell apart, and friendships that became family.  I never lost those extra pounds, I don't own a house - and not one person has let me become Emperor of Sparkle.

The more I plan, the more my plans fall apart.  Adjusting my view to focus on short term has been quite the challenge.  But the more I engage in the next five minutes, the more joy I feel and the more successful I find myself (personally and professionally) in the next five years.

How many times have you put your goals on hold because you figure they're long term, there's time?  How many hours have you spent procrastinating because it didn't need to get done today?  But if you've got a goal to accomplish in five minutes - or five days - you don't have time to wait - you've got to make it happen NOW.

Let's chat examples.  My biggest career goal in life is to be happy.  To love what I do, love where I do it, and get paid enough to travel the world.  I'm not willing to wait five years for that to happen.  So I make time every single day to evaluate where I'm at in my career.  I look at what I'm doing everyday, who I'm working with, and where my finances are - and if in five days I cant find happy most of the time - I start working towards changing that.  I'm not waiting a year, or five years to say be patient, the happy will come.  I am talking to my colleagues, bosses, mentors, and I'm saying I love this, I don't love this - help me figure out where I can adjust, where you can adjust - so that I'm happy.

In my personal life, I struggle with health and wellness.  I get sick often, beat my body up, and I sleep significantly less than a human being should.  I don't have five years to spare living like this.  And I can't wait five years to feel my healthiest and happiest.  So everyday, I prioritize fitness.  I prioritize self care.  I go so far as to make time each hour of the day to do something that simply gives me some personal joy.  Some days that means taking a 20 minute Starbucks break at 3PM.  Most days it means leaving work by 4PM to make 430 Pilates.  Once in awhile it means spending 10 minutes shopping the Nordstrom semiannual sale online.  Every single time, it adds value and happiness to my world.  I'm a significantly better human when I take five minutes to put me first instead of waiting even five days to make me a priority.

Nobody said you should be working every second of every day, but if you're not making the moments count now - how do you ever plan to achieve the big moments down the road?

Side Hustle

These days, everybody has a side hustle.  Between Beach Body, Rodan and Fields, Lula Roe, the endless boutiques, consultants for everything you can think of - it's impossible to avoid seeing the impact of the side hustle in todays world.  

The goal of the side hustle is to make it your main hustle.  It's what you do to get yourself ahead build your income, and to eventually allow yourself to be your own boss.  

As long as I can remember, I've wanted to be a writer.  It took me a really long time to realize how much of a role writing has played in my life, but now that I know it's my passion, it's all I can think about.  This blog, and now the work I do consulting, guest blogging, and ghost writing - these things are my side hustle so that one day I can confidently say that I am a writer, and my own boss.

I think a lot of people out there have passions that aren't in line with what they're currently doing in their career.  They want to make a change but starting can be overwhelming.  They vow to do something and might start the journey, but excuses come up and the dream is put on hold.  I've been there.  I did that for years.  I talked and talked about how I wanted to start a blog, write a book - and I started those things, and then I stopped.  But having been consistent for a year and a half of this website has instilled in me a fire to never stop.  And if I can do it, you can too.

Create Clarity

Figure out what your goals are and write them down.  Be concise, be specific, and be extremely detailed.  Post these goals somewhere you will see them every single day.  Keep a notebook with you at all times where these goals are also written down and where you can jot down your ideas and tasks towards developing the goals.  The point is to have no confusion or room for uncertainty - if you write these goals down - they're real and they're in front of you every single day.  It's a lot harder to walk away from a dream when you're constantly faced with the realization that its just a dream.

Stop Making Excuses

I work a lot.  I travel a lot.  I'm a social person.  I like to workout.  I have a dog.  I'm tired.  I am the queen of excuses.  I'll give you excuses you've never even heard before and the little dream crusher inside of me she backs up these excuses.  In order to make anything happen - you've got to give up those excuses.  And you've got to hold yourself accountable.  Your excuses are BS, and you've got to remind yourself if it's important to you, you'll make it happen.  Sacrifices will have to be made.  You will give up time where you would rather be with friends, family, partying, sleeping, whatever - but you have to carve out time to work on your dreams or they're again, just dreams.

Have a Plan

People who don't have concrete plans make me insane.  I plan for a living and I understand the detail and precision that must go into plans in order to achieve goals.  I want to be a writer but simply having a plan to write isn't a plan that's going to succeed.  I need a strategy for content, a brand, and a means of pushing my brand out to the world.  And I've got to double check each of these steps with ROI so that I know what works and what doesn't.  I don't want to be another one of those bloggers who thinks success comes from just writing when I can, putting content out when I have it and hoping my cute face will get me followers.  Without a plan, the dream is still - just. a. dream.

Accountability

Speak your plans into the world.  Tell your squad about your goals and plans.  There's something real about putting your dreams into the world where others know about them.  You're kind of a loser if you're the friend who talks about doing all the time and never follows through.  I don't like being around those people, I don't trust those people to follow through for me if they can't even follow through for themselves.  Hold yourself accountable by being open about the dream, the plan, and the steps you're  taking to make the dream more than just a dream.

Dreams are so freaking cool.  People with big dream and passions are my favorite people to surround myself with.  And seeing people achieve their dreams after all the hard work they put in to make it happen - that's magic.  Respect the magic of a side hustle and if you do it right, your dreams will be anything but just dreams - they'll become your reality.

There's No Rules.

I like goals.  I have always set milestones for myself.  I'm really addicted to making lists and checking them off.  Timelines for achievements have always dictated my decisions.  But at the end of the day, there's no rules to this thing.

There's no law telling us when or how to do anything.  

In fact - most of the things I told myself I would do by now are in my past or somewhere in my future.  I've gotten big jobs before I thought I would.  I've not gotten married before I was 30.  And all that's taught me about the rules, is that there are no rules.

Getting my dream job also crushed me.  It taught me dreams aren't always what you think they are.

Not getting married at 23 taught me I am so much more than the relationship I am in.

All of the rules I set for myself, are teaching me that there are no rules to life.

When it comes to milestones, they are not always what you would expect.  

My career is the longest craziest journey I could never have imagined.  And I'm not done yet.  

My love life is every evolving and so much fun to experience as I decide what works for me.

When you think about it, really try to understand the rules society or your family or even yourself has set - do they make sense?  What happens if you don't follow them?  Does the world end?  Do you lose all hope of happiness?  You don't.  

I haven't followed a lot of the rules I set for myself.  And the truth is - a lot of the rules I in fact have set in place for me.  Nobody has set them for me.  My parents never told me I had to be a Doctor or a lawyer or anything but what I wanted.  They never threatened to withhold love because I wasn't the best at something.  I put myself in these situational expectations and have told myself if I don't achieve them, I am not following the rules of my life, and thus failing.

But here I am - breaking almost every single rule I ever set - and I didn't die.  I am not failing.  I'm not miserable.  Nobody shames me.  I've not lost my opportunity at having it all.  The odd thing is - I've created a new chance at a new future.  With no rules to follow, just dreams and joys to chase.  Without the forced set of constraints, I'm free to see what I'm really made of because I can venture outside the expectations I held myself accountable for.  Without the rules, there are no limits.

The rules of life are different for everyone.  And they aren't set in stone.  The rules are what you decide they are.  They are ever evolving.  And they are damn sure meant to be broken.  And if you're bold enough, erased.

Don't ever let someone tell you that there are rules to anything.  The only rule is that there are no rules.  Get out there and prove it.

Career Advice: Part 284, Titles

I hear a lot of people these days talking a lot about titles.  Whether they want to be a Director, a VP, Manager, President of the Universe - a lot of time is spent by a lot of people trying to be crowned with a certain title.  I've got some news for you - what you are called matters a lot less than what you do.

Between most companies, titles are often disproportionate.  They don't easily interchange.  A Director in one agency may simply be an account executive with a different organization.  As you're building out your career path, focus less on what people call you and more on what you are called upon to do.

The best way to set yourself up for success in your future career journey is to look to gain responsibility.  You can do this by:

• Managing staff
• Being given a larger work load
• Managing more accounts
• Achieving higher thresholds in your numbers
• Hitting larger goals

Whatever you're doing now, look to add a level of responsibility and expectations to your role.  Set higher goals.  Increase your management skills.  Develop your accounts and relationships.  

Think of it this way: the more you do, the more value you provide to your company and your specific role, the more likely you are to get promoted.  But if you're always looking at what you're called, that doesn't necessarily define what you can do.  How many of us know someone with a fancy title yet you're always wondering what they do?  Ever had a supervisor who sticks a lot of their work load onto you?  

You should also think about it in relation to interviewing and growing into the next phase of your career.  A company doesn't care if you're the Associate Director of Shiny Things if you don't have the skills to do the role you're applying for.  Nobody cares if you're a hot shot in name if you cant produce results.  Always be growing, learning, and adding skills to your resume - not collecting titles.

Career goals should never be defined by what you're called.  They should be defined by what you're doing to better yourself, maintain strong passions for what you do, and what you're contributing to the goal of the organization.  As you're building your resume and paving your path to greateness, focus less on what you want to be called and more on what you want to do.

Ashley Silva: Published Author

For years I have been a lot of talk when it comes to my passion projects.  I focused on work and building my career and let the things that make me feel alive slip to the side.  And then - one year ago - I started my blog.  For an entire year I have posted three times a week.  365 days of committing to a passion project and it feels damn good.

10 years ago I started talking about writing a book.  I didn't know what I wanted it to be about but I knew I wanted to one day be a published author.  Well here I am - with lots of drafts, notebooks full of ideas - and books about how to publish a book.  But alas - no book.

So now - I'm committing myself to making this passion project a reality.  It may take me 6 months, it may take me 6 years - but I am going to publish a book.

And now that I'm saying it out loud, publishing it on my website (which I plan to continue keeping up with - for the fans obviously) - it makes it a must do.  It's a little scary making a public declaration because there's more pressure to follow through.  But I've dedicated myself to improving my personal life and living out all of my crazy dreams outside of my career.  And I have every intention of never going back to the life of the career tunnel vision. 

Well rounded boss babes are deeply fulfilled in their personal lives.  And publishing a book will make me feel like I can conquer the world.

So you heard it here first - I am working on a book!  I still don't know exactly what it will be about, but it will be funny and it will reflect the extra sparkle that I am.  Stay tuned because I'm going to need all of you to buy it and make me filthy rich.  Passion projects are after all supposed to fulfill my ultimate goal of retiring on a secluded island full of puppies and wine.

Thank you for all your support sequins!

My 14th Mid-Life Crisis

In the past year (or so), I've had no less than about one billion major life changes.  I left an abusive work environment, moved to Los Angeles, was laid off from a job I didn't even enjoy, had a health scare (or two), have been dealing with major family issues, had a breakup with a guy I never should have dated, moved to a new state, got a job in a new industry, and the list goes on.  For someone who truly is all sparkles and smiles - my shine level has felt a little low at times. 

Which leads me to my 14th mid-life crisis. 

I am often told it appears I have it all figured out.  That everything in my life is together.  I've got the career, the confidence, the looks (GUYS STAWWWP), you get the point.  And for that reason, I felt it was important to make it crystal clear that this is not in fact true.

I don't have everything figured out.  I struggle like the rest of you.  Some days I'm exhausted and fed up and question all the choices I've made.  And some days, I feel like nothing can stop me.  But not once do I feel like I am the picture of perfection.

I try to be very open about my insecurities and my battles because I'm very aware that I can come off unicorns and rainbows 24/7.  But recently I've had a lot of people come to me for advice and guidance with their own struggles.  It was pointed out to me that it's because I appear to have all the answers.

Guys - I don't.  I have like 4 answers and they all end in wine or glitter.  You know what, 5 answers because puppy snuggles. 

In all seriousness (gross who is serious?) - my life isn't completely put together - but it isn't falling apart either - and that's because I will not ever let it.  I have my mini mid life crisis and I move on.  Maybe it seems I've got it all figured out because I stay positive, work hard, and reflect on where I'm at.  I'm not dwelling on what's going wrong and if something is going wrong you can bet I'm actively working to fix it.

Sometimes I have a mid life crisis.  I actually think I'm on 32 at this point.  I have complete breakdowns and I question my choices and where I'm at.  I make the wrong decision.  I let myself have a moment of weakness.  I'm the same as everyone else out there who experiences these thins in life.  The only difference, I don't let it define me.

I am beyond flattered that people come to me for advice.  I feel eternally humbled when people tell me they can relate to what I write about.  And I love being able to speak from experience to help other people get through hard times.  Because I have been there.

Maybe I do have it more together than most.  But truthfully, I think I'm just more willing to suck it up, change my situation (or my attitude) and push for what I want. 

 This is making me feel better already.  Goodbye 14th midlife crisis. See you for 15 in a month or so? 

They Let Me Be a Mentor

I'm uncertain if they actually let me be a mentor.  I don't get paid to do it.  I just pick my favorite little sequins and I give them career advice.  Whether they like it or not.  So realistically nobody lets me be a mentor, I just am one.

Regardless of how I got here - I'm here.  I've got my flock of little future world leaders and I spend some of my free time imparting my wisdom upon their fresh little minds.  I still kind of feel like an imposter giving business advice to anyone - but I also oddly buy into my own product.  I've had this crazy nontraditional journey that I'm sure isn't over - and I love that I can provide insight into achieving your dreams without having to follow the rules.

That being said - I'm really picky about who I gift my wisdom to.  I place high value on my brand and so if you're associated with me and my brand - you've got to measure up.  I'm happy to gift 30 minutes of my time to speak to someone about the industry and briefly offer some advice - but should I invest anymore time than that - I've got to believe in who you are and where you're headed.  If I'm adopting you as my little sequin of the future -I'm committing time and energy and resources into helping you succeed - so you've got to earn that trust and investment.

Mentorship is important to me.  The people I bring into my business world are important to me.  It gives me a lot of fulfillment to be able to build these sequins up and encourage them to be their best selves, follow their dreams, and never settle.  And although a lot of them tell me they can't get where they are without me - I can't grow without them.  They motivate me to work hard, keep my passions first, and that I can have it all.  They also remind me of where I came from.  They remind me to never forget what I've been through and where I'm going.  They continue to inspire me and teach me as much as I teach them. 

If you're not a mentor, become one.  If you don't have a mentor, get one.  But be picky.  The mentor/mentee relationship is sacred.  It's trusting your goals, dreams, insecurities, past, present, and future - with someone who you should aim to build a lifelong relationship with.  And its not a way to get ahead.  It's not a connection you use to get somewhere.  It's a bond that is supposed to grow who you are as a person in business and in life.  It's not to be taken lightly and if you do it right, it can change your life.