Live Simple

The older I get (and better looking), the more I realize the most important things in my life are in fact not things.  I know I've talked about living simply before, but now I'm actually truthfully living it.  For me, that probably still looks different than what most people think of when they live simple.  Realistically, I'm not going to forsake all of my belongings, only keep 5 pieces of clothing and keep a sparse apartment.  It's just not me.  So let's call this living simple(ish).  

In fact, let's call this living simple for the modern sequin.  What's a modern sequin you ask?  It's someone who shines (obviously), values travel and experiences over things but still wants to look fly, eat well, and enjoy a comfortable home.  You're willing to downsize and give up some "stuff" but you're not willing to move into a tiny home and wear the same jeans and t shirt each day.  Now that we are on the same page, let's chat through why and then how.

WHY

Our generation (I refuse to call myself a millennial) has more debt, bills, and overall less financial security than ever before.  Quiet down depression era, that was a really different time and context.  The point is it isn't taking much to put us in a financial bind.  We are also the generation that values social justice, political reform, relationships, the environment, and travel more than anything in our lives.  Excess just isn't a priority to most of the people I know if my age group.  We are more mindful of our world footprint and truly think about how we are going to impact the Earth for the next generation.  So why?  Because we care about a lot more than a Gucci belt and 10,000 square foot home.  

For me personally, I really want to travel the world.  I do a ton of traveling for work but I don't get to travel a lot for pleasure.  I am fascinated by culture, architecture and of course food!  I was tired of not being able to afford to take trips across the world because I shopped too much.  It took me years of spending my money on things to realize how unhappy I was surrounded by all this stuff instead of taking the trip to Europe.

HOW

There are a lot of ways to start small and build into a movement.  I made some super small changes in my life and the more I got comfortable with those, the more I would add in larger challenges to save and live more simply.  And finally - I am now going to Europe for two weeks and I haven't had to put a single cent on a CC.  I'm able to travel for two weeks very comfortably completely paid for prior to leaving.  If you would have asked me if I thought I could do that two years ago, I would have laughed.  So what changes have I made and can you achieve them?

PRIORITIZE

I made the decision that travel was my priority.  So before I make any purchase, no matter how small, I ask myself - is this a need or a want?  And if it's a want, is it going to set me up long term for my goals?  No decision is too small.  Wherever I can save $5, $10, it adds up to a couple hundred dollars each month. Here are a few examples:

Grocery Shopping: I make a meal plan each week and then a grocery list.  I stick to this list instead of walking around and picking anything that looks good.  I've found this saves me a good $20-$40 each grocery trip.  It also saves me from wasting food I don't utilize, which is awesome for the environment.

Clothes/Shoes Shopping: This was my biggest guilty pleasure for the longest time.  I have an overflowing closet of clothes and shoes that I don't even wear.  I love a good deal but spent too much on items that aren't good quality, are too trendy, or that don't fit properly.  Now, I invest in pieces that are the opposite.  I spend a little more for really high quality, properly fitting items that last a long time.  I make less purchases and wear them more.  I've also gone through and done a purge of my closet and donated to a local women's shelter to give back.

Eating Out - I noticed between coffee, lunches, and eating out on weekends, I was spending a good $200+ a month.  So I cut back.  I gave myself lunch out 2x a week, weekend meals out to 1x, and then I bought coffee 2x a week.  Sounds like a lot but now I'm down to eating out a total of maybe 2-3x a month total and I stopped buying coffee almost entirely.  This can be a huge lifestyle change for a lot of people  But this really changed my bank account and honestly my health.  I've slimmed down and I feel healthier.  

UNDERSTAND WHERE YOU CANT COMPROMISE

For me, fitness is not somewhere I'm willing to cut my budget.  I spend about $135 a month to be in a Class Pass like program (It's Studio Hop here in Texas, TRY IT!).  At no point am I willing to cut this out.  This isn't how I'll simplify.  I wouldn't be as happy or healthy because fitness is my escape.  You can't cut out things that you know make you happy.  There's always 1 or 2 things that are a nonnegotiable and it's OK to have those, just be reasonable.  You can't keep you designer shoe addiction and your need to eat out every meal.  

REFLECT AND REASSES

You've got to be diligent about checking in with your progress.  If you're not making any, explore why and make a change.  If the change is small and you just started, take that as an encouraging sign.  Check in with how you're feeling and progressing and see where you may be able to cut back more, less if it's not making you happy, and what other changes you can make to reach your goals.  It's an ever changing journey!

So what are some super specific ways to save funds for a modern sequin?  I'll share with you some of my favorites!

• Re purpose frames from a thrift store and print out your favorite photos as art in your home instead of spending $50++ on artwork.  I decorate my home with photos and it brings me much more joy than art that doesn't relate to me.
• Shop at a vintage or thrift store.  I've purchased some incredible pieces such as a Chanel sweater for $50 at thrift stores and vintage shops.  But go to the good ones, do your research.  Stop shopping at LA "vintage shops" that are really just crappy t shirts for $75
• Host a dinner party and ask everyone to contribute.  It's fun to create an adult pot luck and you can still do the majority of the work by providing the main dish and wine.  Ask everyone else to bring a small side or dessert.  It will be significantly less than eating out as a group.
• Attend free activities in your city.  Some of these are super stupid and not worth attending.  But some are awesome if you look around.  In Dallas we have some really great free concerts, festivals, and even fitness classes.  When I lived in LA you could plan an entire weekend around free things to do that are freaking awesome.
• Get outside.  I love being outside.  Hiking, walking, picnics, whatever it is, I want to be outside.  Call friends and go do these things.  It's free, healthy, and fun!
• Make coffee at home.  I tested a ton of coffee brands and blends and found a few that I absolutely love.  Instead of spending $5-$6 on a latte every morning, I invested in good coffee, delicious creamer, and I make it at home.  Just as yummy, and less calories and sugars! 
• Game Night.  Fine, this might be lame.  But I freaking love game night.  Drink at home, play games with friends.  Save $100 by not going to the bars and paying for 3AM Taco Bell and Lyfts. 
• DIY.  I'm a huge DIY fan.  I'm one of the busiest babes out there and I still find time for the small DIY projects instead of spending ridiculous amounts of money for someone else to do these things for me.  Go to a thrift store, buy a solid oak coffee table and repaint it.  Find some cool art and repaint the frame.  Buy those porcelain statues and spray paint them metallic.  There are so many gems! 

What are you doing to live simple?  Give me your best tips and tricks!  

There's No Rules.

I like goals.  I have always set milestones for myself.  I'm really addicted to making lists and checking them off.  Timelines for achievements have always dictated my decisions.  But at the end of the day, there's no rules to this thing.

There's no law telling us when or how to do anything.  

In fact - most of the things I told myself I would do by now are in my past or somewhere in my future.  I've gotten big jobs before I thought I would.  I've not gotten married before I was 30.  And all that's taught me about the rules, is that there are no rules.

Getting my dream job also crushed me.  It taught me dreams aren't always what you think they are.

Not getting married at 23 taught me I am so much more than the relationship I am in.

All of the rules I set for myself, are teaching me that there are no rules to life.

When it comes to milestones, they are not always what you would expect.  

My career is the longest craziest journey I could never have imagined.  And I'm not done yet.  

My love life is every evolving and so much fun to experience as I decide what works for me.

When you think about it, really try to understand the rules society or your family or even yourself has set - do they make sense?  What happens if you don't follow them?  Does the world end?  Do you lose all hope of happiness?  You don't.  

I haven't followed a lot of the rules I set for myself.  And the truth is - a lot of the rules I in fact have set in place for me.  Nobody has set them for me.  My parents never told me I had to be a Doctor or a lawyer or anything but what I wanted.  They never threatened to withhold love because I wasn't the best at something.  I put myself in these situational expectations and have told myself if I don't achieve them, I am not following the rules of my life, and thus failing.

But here I am - breaking almost every single rule I ever set - and I didn't die.  I am not failing.  I'm not miserable.  Nobody shames me.  I've not lost my opportunity at having it all.  The odd thing is - I've created a new chance at a new future.  With no rules to follow, just dreams and joys to chase.  Without the forced set of constraints, I'm free to see what I'm really made of because I can venture outside the expectations I held myself accountable for.  Without the rules, there are no limits.

The rules of life are different for everyone.  And they aren't set in stone.  The rules are what you decide they are.  They are ever evolving.  And they are damn sure meant to be broken.  And if you're bold enough, erased.

Don't ever let someone tell you that there are rules to anything.  The only rule is that there are no rules.  Get out there and prove it.

The Breakup Debate. A Memoir.

I've had an internal debate for most of my life regarding dating, men, and how to respond when they do shitty things.  Essentially - you've got two options:

1. Ghost
2. Confront

Now historically I think women are taught to be caregivers and to give men a lot of slack when it comes to doing things that aren't ok.  We are taught to say it's ok when its not and that if we call a man out we are bitches.

But I think there's also something to be said for simply walking away from an unhealthy situation.  To move forward and to take care of yourself.

Traditionally I have played the role of the ghost.  I mean I've completely moved states to avoid relationships and commitment so it's not surprising that when someone treats me poorly, I generally just disappear.  I'll delete your number, remove you from social media - RIP you no longer exist to me.  And I'm not the girl who gives in and texts you - we will literally never speak again.  If you reach out - I'll do everything possible to end the contact as quickly as humanly possible.  If you show me I don't matter to you - I am very easily able to say you no longer mean anything to me. 

But recently - I've had the urge to call men on their shenanigans.  Because I'm a grown up.  And I'm a good human being.  I'm kind to others, I'm a good partner, and a phenomenal catch.  And I don't deserve your crap.

My two most recent relationships/whatever the hell that last one was have been exact opposites in terms of how I've handled the ending.  The first one - I was very honest about the lack of maturity and really crappy way he handled the situation.  And that was what I needed to have full closure and realize we never should have dated.  Months - we are talking MONTHS later - he reached back out to apologize which turned into him making excuses for the way he acted.  And I let him say what he needed to say, wished him well - and we haven't spoken since. 

The second whatever - because it was one of those - IDK what this is slash WTF is even happening - I've ghosted.  He was a really important friend to me and someone who for the first time I started to open up to and place trust in.  And then he did a 180 and created a really bad situation.  He abused the friendship and for me - when you break the respect of a friendship, that's it for the relationship.  But I've said nothing.  I've gone full ghost and have zero intentions of changing that.   

Yea ok - there's a lot of factors coming into how to handle these things.  Length of relationship.  Were you friends before.  What did they do.  It's a scientific strategy really.  And I can spend hours arguing for both sides.  But ultimately - I think it's what makes you feel good.  Someone treated you like a burnt brownie and you don't deserve that - you're a cupcake with sprinkles.  If you need to say excuse me - that wasn't cool asshole - SAY IT.  If the way you heal is to move forward without a word - go head girlfriend - you ghost like the wind. 

Now this is where I ask your advice - and then if I hate it - I'll ignore it because I don't need that kind of negativity in my life.

I pose some questions:

What do you think is the best way to handle when your partner does you wrong?  Do you ghost?  Do you confront?  Do you create a mix of the two?  I don't know what the right action is, probably depends on a myriad of factors realistically. Hit me with your best words of wisdom my sequins!

A Lesson in Compassion

On Facebook lately I have been posting what I like to call: What you missed in Kindergarten.  It's a little lesson for those of you out there who forgot critical teachings such as:

1. Treat others as you wish to be treated
2. Keep your hands to yourself
3. Clean up your messes

Today, I'm going to bring one of these great lectures to all of you.  And this one is called:

Compassion.

Compassion is a feeling of wanting to help someone who is sick, hungry, in trouble, etc.

Read that back please.  Soak it in.  Really applies to current happenings in the world doesn't it?

I was raised to have deep compassion for others.  As much as I can be a bit cold and dead inside - I'm ultimately nursing a bleeding heart.  I want to help people.  Except for spiders, spiders can all be crushed and killed. 

As a kid I remember standing up to bullies.  As an adult I give time and money to helping those who don't have what I have.  I'm that way because I learned it from my parents.  The best lesson I have ever learned from my parents is to leave things better than you received them.  That includes the people you meet.

Compassion extends well beyond charity.  Compassion means having love and acceptance for those who are different.  And quite frankly, I'm not really sure what two people are the same, so we are ALL different.

In America today, we have a leader who encourages hate.  He is the opposite of a compassionate human being and it has only made me want to be more compassionate.  He makes me want to stand up for those being oppressed and say not today Satan - you don't get to do this to other people.

Compassion is love.  Compassion is kindness.  It's holding your hand out to stand by those who need an extra hand.  It's stopping yourself before you say something cruel.  It's spending time correcting those who give out hate.  Compassion is realizing the world is bigger than you.

My challenge to you is to be more patient.  Be more open.  Spend time committing your efforts to compassion and bettering the world now so that we can leave it in a better place for the future.  Compassion is having the courage to stand up to those who don't have compassion and say I choose to treat others as I wish to be treated and I choose to leave a legacy of empathy for future generations to come.

Class dismissed. 

What Makes You Happy Now?

I read a blog recently about a woman who went through a really hard time in her life.  She was at a standstill.  Her entire world had been shattered and it seemed impossible to go back to her everyday reality.  So she quit her job.  She packed up her life.  And she decided to travel the world.  The plan?  To keep doing what makes her happy RIGHT NOW. 

She decided to stop worrying about the burden of the future and take things one single moment at a time.  To focus on what made her happy in the moment.  And as she continued to do what made her happy, rather than worry about the incredible anxiety that comes with planning out the next forever - she slowly relaxed.  And she was actually happy.

I relate to living a life of planning, of control - of the strategy leading up to the happy ending.  But what I've missed is that there's no happy ending.  Life ends.  The journey is what is meant to be enjoyed.  You can strategize all you want - but none of us are getting out alive.  Is it really worth spending 50-60+ years working for the happy when you could just be happy now?

So here's what we're going to do - because I'm going to need a team to get me out of my head and into my heart - we are going to work on happy now.  We are going to worry just a little bit less about tomorrow and the next day and the 10 years from now.  And we are going to be realistic - because after all - I may be open to impulse - I am not open to becoming an outright hippie.  It's just not who I am.

Step One - Start Small

I've spent 31 years as a control freak.  And although I've been working to change that - it's hard to change a stubborn woman like me.  So wee start small.  If I want to take a nap instead of clean, I'm going to take the nap.  If I want a mini cupcake instead of yogurt for a snack, I'm going to eat the cupcake.  If binge watching a TV show I've missed will make me happy, catch me on the couch.  And if I want to go for a walk in the middle of my workday, I'm going to do that too.  The point - maybe you can't quit your job and travel the world right now - but you can engage in small activities that will boost your mood and elevate your happiness until you can get there.

Step Two - Decide what happy means to you

The more you listen to your heart and what makes it smile - the more you'll start to realize what makes you really happy.  Because now that you're taking a moment to get in touch with your level of happiness - you're making yourself more aware of what really does fill your soul.  Start to write that down.  Rate things based on level of enjoyment.  Become acutely aware of what happy means to you and start channeling your focus in those areas to really maximize instant happy. 

Step Three - Think Bigger

Once you become an expert in your own happiness, find a way to turn the little happiness into big happiness.  Get strategic.  Make everything happy.  Realize that when you're not happy, or doing something that doesn't bring you joy - you can check yourself and engage in a way that makes the moment happier.  Not everything is going to make us happy - but when we are more aware of what does - we are more easily able to get back to happy more quickly.  Additionally, say travel is what makes you happiest - turn those lunchtime walks to weekend trips.  And those weekend trips into week long adventures.  Turn your small moments into big ones.  Instead of buying things - walk on the beach, hike a mountain - you're mixing instant happy with saving money for long term happy. 

Life isn't about planning a happy ending, it's about making every single day happy.  We can't control what happens to us and we cannot control anyone else.  But we can be active participants in our own joy.  We can change our attitude and change our entire life with how we choose to live it.  I've always believed that happiness is a controllable.  It's a choice.  And if its what you value - you'll make it a priority.  Not tomorrow, not for the future, but NOW - and for the rest of your life. 

The Greatest Lesson I've Ever Learned.

At the ripe age of 22, I was working at my alma mater and was supervising a group of interns.  I'm uncertain who felt this was a good idea given that I was very much still a child myself in the business world, but nonetheless here I was, the boss to kids maybe a year younger than me.  Two years max.  Little did I know, that in title I may have been the boss, but the greatest lesson I have ever learned, came from one of those students.

Gen was a free spirit from San Diego.  She had a swagger - rightfully so as she excelled as a point guard on the basketball team.  I never saw her without a smile and could often hear her laugh before she entered the office.  I knew her when I was an athlete at Davis and so hiring her was a no brainer - I know what it takes to be a D1 athlete at a University with high academic expectations and I knew she could do the job. 

Throughout her time as an intern - she made fun a priority.  No matter what I asked of her she made it fun.  She was about getting the job done and enjoying every moment.  I used to get pictures sent from her and her equally as amazing counterpart Paige of whatever shenanigans they had turned the task into.  Whether it be trying on the mascot costume to stacking cases of wine - there was laughter.

The thing about Gen was that whatever she wanted to do, she did it.  A lot of people talk about what they dream of - of making the most out of every minute - but Gen without a doubt personified that life.  She wanted to go to Paris, so she just did it.  She wanted to move across the country for a job, she packed up and left.  Gen lived her life without fear, without worry, without any real plan (so it would seem) but at the end of the day - she succeeded in all that she did because the only plan was to maximize this gift of life.

Gen graduated and I eventually moved on from Davis and started my new life in Colorado.  I remember getting a message from Paige that Gen was sick.  She was 26.  I remember not understanding the extent of her illness.  It didn't hit me that she may die from this.  But the more I was kept up to date - the more I understood how serious it was.  Gen had stage 4 breast cancer, and it was spreading.  We quickly worked with her family and our Davis community to start a fundraiser to help Gen and her family with mounting medical costs.  The only way I know how to react in serious situations is to problem solve.  But regardless of everything we all did, regardless of how hard She fought - Gen passed away less than a month after her initial diagnosis.  I was devastated.  I was shocked.  I was really angry.  

Throughout her entirely brief illness - Gen was happy.  She was positive.  She was laughing and she was having fun.  Her texts were normal and silly.  She was dying - an elite athlete - dying from a disease she had no family history of and no warning.  And she still made the most of every single second she had.  

It will be four years this May since Gen passed.  And every day I think about her.  Her life and her death have affected me immensely.  My entire life I've planned everything, I've set high expectations for myself and I've focused on what I should be doing instead of what I want to be doing.  In the past four years I've used Gen's mantra of living life doing instead of planning to guide my decisions. 

I am inherently a control freak.  I plan everything.  I put my dreams aside to fulfill expectations.  When Gen passed, from a disease that has greatly impacted my life and the life of those I love, it shook me to my core.  It reinforced that life does not care who you are, you simply cannot plan for everything.  As hard as it has been for me to step outside of the need to control, I have dramatically changed who I am and how I live because of what Gen taught me.  I have setbacks and I struggle - but I work really hard to DO instead of PLAN. 

The greatest lesson I ever learned was from my student intern - Genevieve Costello.  I am so thankful for that lesson - and I promise to honor your legacy by committing myself to living the way you taught me to live.  I never got the opportunity to tell you how much of a profound impact you had on my life - but I hope that you hear me talking to you, praying to you, and channeling your strength in my heart.  Thank you for being one of the greatest motivators in my life my point guardian angel, I hope I'm down here making you proud.

#GC12