Flip the Switch

I’ve always talked about working really hard at balance. At not giving so much to work. At focusing on getting more out of life. I look back on blogs where I said I’ve changed and I really hadn’t. I still don’t think I have. But now more than ever, I feel like the switch in my brain that puts all the pressure on myself has flipped.

I have always been type A. I have always worked hard. I have never known how to half ass anything. And my take it east is often others’ 110%. I just don’t have an off switch.

A lot of that is I think fear of sitting still. It’s knowing that when I stop moving I hear that voice in my head when I stop that says “get back at it.” It’s the fear of knowing when I stop moving, I have to face the things that have contributed to my anxiety and PTSD. And that never felt possible to face.

I’m not sure whether it’s therapy, changing my circle, taking time to not date or always be talking to someone, or a combination of everything but it all feels a lot more possible to face.

Because I’m more aware of why I am the way I am, why I react the way I react, why I have the fears and feelings I do, I now feel more able to face them and make a change.

Oh, and this casual year three of a pandemic might have caused change too.

The switch still toggles, I wouldn’t say it’s completely flipped, but it’s well on it’s way.

I care less about titles and the grind. I don’t think working 24/7 makes me someone to admire. I don’t care as much about making sure I am the best at everything I do in the workplace. I realize my value is more than what I do and where I do it. I want to experience life outside of the office. I want to travel and spend time with the people who genuinely make me feel good. I value making time for my passion projects.

I think I burnt myself out on overachieving.

And to be honest, what have I really achieved that I place a lot of value on?

I’m exhausted. I care less about the things I’m doing at work. I care less about talking about what people do for a living.

And above all else, I have started to notice when I do prioritize work and the way I talk about careers. I started to notice that other people didn’t do these things. I started to see that I was missing out on relationships and events that are what make life full. And I realized how much I let work and my career define my entire mindset and mood.

I don’t want that anymore. I don’t value that anymore.

I will always work hard. I will always value my reputation. I will always want more out of everything that I do.

I think I’ll always be 110%. I just need to redistribute how and when to do so. I can’t be 110% all the time.

I hope that what you get out of this is that if you’re feeling exhausted and frustrated and ready for a change, you’re not alone. This time has caused a major shift for a lot of us.

Sit in it, marinate in it and let it force a change. If you are not getting the most out of life, you need to make changes. It doesn’t have to be all at once, but you have to make change.

Personally, this pandemic, this country in turmoil, it’s pushed me to the edge and made me want more . I’m not sure what that looks like long term, but I have started to finally, finally actively put boundaries in place and switch up my behavior at the office and in my personal life.

It’s been nothing but positive. So I’m going to keep going. I’m going to keep pushing myself completely out of my normal comfort zone until everything feels right again.

I hope you will too.

Epic Fail

Because I’ve grown up as an athlete, the idea of goals and achieving them is something I take very seriously. To not achieve a goal is a fail, full stop. I’ve failed a lot in life. There are so many goals I set that I simply did not achieve. As I get older, I’m choosing to redefine failure when it comes to my goals.

Not achieving a goal is not a failure, full stop. Sometimes goals change. Sometimes we change. Sometimes not achieving a goal leads to discovering a new goal.

Alternatively, some of the goals I have achieved, they’ve left me empty. They’ve turned out to be wins that felt like losses.

I grew up being a really good athlete. Best in my little suburban community, always winning. Always chosen for the competitive travel teams. I wanted to run in a national championship race at the collegiate level. Due to injuries I was barely able to compete at the college level. I ran a handful of actual races and endured more surgeries than wins. A national championship race wasn’t happening. But I did learn about my strength, leadership skills, and discipline because of that failure. And those traits have led to a lot of the success I now find in my life.

When I was 28, I earned my dream job. I wanted to work in professional sports and after almost 6 years of grinding, I achieved that goal. And I was miserable. My mental and physical health suffered. It was a nightmare to work in such a toxic environment. And ultimately, it led me to pivot my dreams and goals to look outside of the industry I committed my entire future to.

Goals are so important to have. And achieving them matters. But not achieving them can be just as life changing. Failing might just be the best thing that ever happened to you. Full stop.

Whiner Whiner Chicken....Shut Up

I'm not sure if it's because I'm in a good place but I seem to feel as if everyone around me has a whole lot to whine about. Whether they're too busy, hate their job, their partner isn't hearing them, they're feeling bad about themselves, they can't get over a relationship, the list goes on and the complaints are never ending.

For me, there's an acceptable level of whining in life. And there are rules around what's acceptable to complain about in the first place.

And a majority of the things people are whining about are not on the acceptable list. They've also exceeded the allotted time allowed for whining.

If you've created a problem for yourself. If you're refusing to accept a situation for what it is. If you're unwilling to make a change - shut up. Stop whining.

While I may seem harsh (It's because I am), the point is, as an adult, you owe it to yourself and those around you to be better. Stop complaining and start actively being a participant in the success of your life.

I don't know if as a culture we've become extra sensitive or we feel the need to constantly evaluate our feelings but I promise you, you're just fine. You're having a hard time because you've created a hard time. You can't get out of the rut because all you do is exist in the rut.

I'm so sick of people who just whine.

I am always here to support you as a friend but if the root of your problem is you, I'm going to tell you. As your friend, I owe you the truth so that you can grow and become your best you.

I am not the friend you go to if you want the lie. I won't tell you I'm sorry life is being so unfair to you. I'm not going to commiserate with you about things that are within your control. It's insulting to me, you, and life.

Lately I've been so overwhelmed and frustrated with the drama that others have tried to bring into my world by their constant negativity and self centered complaining. And what I realized is that if I'm choosing to engage in that, I'm creating the negative situation for myself. So I spoke up.

I started saying yes, it is you. I'm sorry you feel this way but you're putting yourself in this situation. I hate that you're unhappy but you're not doing anything to make yourself happy. It's awful you're in a job you hate but I haven't seen you put the effort in to get a new one.

And I have not stopped.

Sure - it's caused some awkwardness and tension in the friendship. I've gone radio silent with a couple people because they're still not in a place to get it.

I deserve attention and support too. And I deserve a friend who wants to make it about me too. And I want to surround myself with people who value growth, who don't settle for thinking life owes them anything.

I'm going to be honest again - I've been there. I've complained and asked why me when the why IS me. I've been the root of my own problem. And I probably will have moments like that again. However, for the most part, I'm a woman of action.

I don't like my job? I get a new one. I hate where I've moved? I move again. I'm in a bad relationship? I end it.

Surely that's not easy. And it's often a process.

But stop with the "I could never do that." or "That's so cold." It's not. You're making excuses because you haven't found the courage to take action.

If you're not in a place to move on from the whining and complaining, do you. But just you. Don't poison anyone else by bringing that choice into their world. Be responsible for your own situation and respect the people you love by not burdening them with your drama. Harsh much? Yes. Because being a grown up is being accountable for who you are to the people you love.

Life gets better when you make the active choice to be a participant in the way it goes. And you're a better teammate when you take responsibility for how you engage with the team. Are you in it for the win or are you okay sitting in the bench with a participation trophy?

Follow Through

It's been a few months since I shared with you the art of the cutoff.  I was definitely due for an update.  

To sum everything up: I'm a MF rock star.  

How?  Because I've mastered the art of the follow through.  

That's right friends.  I set in place a hard cutoff for a few people in my life - both romantic and platonic - and I've stuck to that. 

I know, I think I'm a superhero too.  

Here's how I did it.  You ready?  I stay busy, I stay active, and I rely on my circle.

How has my life changed?  My confidence has gone sky high, my decision making more efficient, and the value I place on myself cannot be compromised.  I'd always heard the good ole "the people who deserve to be in your life will prove it" and quite honestly, I thought it was shit.  Turns out, it's the highest level of real there ever was.  

Time is not infinite.  There are always a billion things to do.  But you are in control of how you spend your time.  When you value others, you make time for them.  You treat them better.  It's all connected.

Do I have difficult days?  I do.  I miss people.  I'm naturally a nostalgic person.  But at the end of the day - if those people valued me the way I valued them, they wouldn't allow themselves to be an option.  Friendships and romances are complicated as all hell, but if people aren't treating you right or willing to let you go - they become very very easy.

Commit to the hard cutoff.  It's not easy.  It's some black ops training style voo doo - but it also gives you a whole new perspective on the people who do show you how important you are to their world.  Get rid of the dead weight.  Make room and make time for the really real ones.

Hard Knock Life

Everyone has hard times.  Everyone goes through unpleasant sometimes devastating situations.  My whole life I've been taught to downplay my own feelings during these times because someone else always has it worse.   And that's true.  But just because someone else has it worse, doesn't mean that I can't have a bad day too.  The more you brush off your pain, the less you allow yourself to process that pain, the more it builds up and the worse off you are long term.

Now there is absolutely something to be said for having perspective and realizing where your problems are on the grand scale of life but its more than ok to take a moment to be sad, hurt, mad, or struggle with what you're going through too. 

I hear a lot of people who have been raised on the same philosophy.  When they tell me about something hard going on in their life, they often qualify it with "I know I'm lucky and don't have a right to complain." and that's part of the problem.  You do have a right to complain.  You're not disqualifying the hardships of others simply because you need to talk about something you're going through.

I've learned that because I spent so many years not feeling the hard things in my life, I'm not as equipped to deal with them in the most successful way.  I ignore problems until they get overwhelming.  I push feelings down until they become unmanageable.  I refuse to talk about things until I'm at my breaking point.  And had I taken the time to check in with myself when these situations occur, they would probably be a lot smaller issues and be easy to overcome. 

The point is - life is hard.  We all go through things.  Some are harder some are easier.  Some of us deal with things better than others.  But just because someone else is going through something worse does not mean you cannot feel pain.  Keep perspective but absolutely talk and feel whatever you're feeling so that you can more quickly and successfully move on from the negative situation and back into your sparkliest life.